z

Young Writers Society


12+

Narthegal's Greed - Ch.1 The Boy in the Mud

by MarakZaroya


The Boy in the Mud

It was a rainy, muggy, miserable day in the Darkleaf forest. The air itself had a thickness to it that would drive all reasonable people indoors, but these two were no reasonable people. As the pair of adventurers, Kael and Sehine walked the forest’s dirt road, they seemed almost unoppressed by the day’s pitiful weather.

“So, how far do you think to Slavenbog?” Sehine asked in a joyful tone even as her leather boots were muddied by the road. She was an optimistic girl, with a brightness in her eyes that never seemed to fade, even in the most tedious of times. Her chestnut hair hung from her head in curls, and rather nicely framed her gold and green eyes. She let out a sigh when her companion made no reply. “That long, huh?”

“The Darkleaf forest is not to be traveled lightly, Sehine.” The man replied calmly. Almost counter to her, he had an air of seriousness about him. His hair was short, and stood up from his head, it would possibly look dishevelled if it were longer. His eyes scanned the forest for danger “There are many dangers here. Goblins, giant spiders, I’ve even heard a story back in Waelstrad of a lycanthrope loose here.” She nodded in consideration.

“Still, we’re more than fit to handle goblins or spiders.” She said thoughtfully. “Plus, most tales of ‘werewolves’ in this area of the world are just small-towners trying to make their loved ones seem more heroic for being eaten by wolves.” She grinned, because she knew she was right, and she knew he knew she was right. In the distance, the snap of what could conceivably be a tree branch echoed through the forest. “Still…” she added, as she gave more consideration, “there could be owlbears, or trolls. Trolls would be a problem, I’ve not had a chance to obtain any flasks of Alchemist’s Fire since our last encounter with the cursed things.”

“We’ll make a point of it to grab some in Slavenbog then and-” He paused, his eyes straining to see a figure in the distance, obscured by the thickness of the air. “Hold on.” Kael drooped to a crouch and advanced slowly, and with much concentration. His feet seemed silent as he approached. Upon closer inspection, the figure was obviously a creature of some sort. As he crept towards it, features of it’s body became clear, it was bipedal, and had two arms. It was a boy, and one in bad shape from the looks of it.

Kael returned to Sehine sadly, and reported his findings, his heart ached as he saw the look of horror in her eyes as she approached the boy.

“Dennara’s bones!” She exclaimed, eyes wide with fright “Do...do you think he’s okay?” She rushed over to the boy.

“He’s still breathing, but he’s unconscious.” Kael replied, having checked before returning to her. He worried that the boy would be beyond saving, and that it would sadden his traveling companion. He knew that seeing a dead child would make Sehine inconsolable.

“Well, unconscious and breathing is better than unconscious and not, so let’s have a look” Sehine nodded, determinedly. “I’m not letting this boy cross over, not while I have some chance of stopping it.”

The boy lying unconscious in the road was a truly pathetic sight. At first glance, he seemed to be a lost cause, and looked more cut up than meat in a butcher’s shop. However, after she thoroughly inspected his wounds, she found that most of them were not life-threatening, and those that were were not hopelessly so. Somehow, by the gods’ graces, he really was still breathing, and Kael knew Sehine couldn’t stand idly by and just let the poor thing die, especially not in so painful a way. The pair of adventurers rolled the boy onto his back, and as she knelt above him, Sehine’s hand made it’s way towards her pendant.

It was a simple thing, a single circle of silver suspended from a chain necklace of woven hemp. On the edges of the silver ring were rounded nubs at the top and sides. A small line of silver hang down from the inside of the pendant, ending at the silver circle’s center, where it contacted the midsection of a downwards bending curve. It was the symbol of Aelmar, the god of restoration, generosity, and the sick.

“Oh loving Aelmar,” Sehine began, “grant me your light. This poor soul lies here, on the brink of crossing over. I bid you now, aid me to restore him, it is not yet his time.” The hand which held the pendant began to glow softly. Her plea had paid off, and she had been granted the power she needed. She softly pressed her hand to his chest, and his wounds began to mend. She could hear bones snap into place, and watched as skin tissues began to reform. As she knelt above him, channelling her gift of restoration, the boy’s eyes began to open.

He was not much older than sixteen, and his look was one full of pain. He was lean, and his hair was a brownish color, although the caking of mud certainly could have been contributing to that. He had no possessions on him to speak of, although whatever he used to possess was probably taken by whomever did this to him. He looked up at the girl with wide eyes. When he spoke, his voice had a ragged quality to it, as though he had had a very rough day.

“Wow…” He gasped, “A real celestial. I knew they’d be beautiful without compare, but…” The corners of Sehine’s mouth curved upwards and her cheeks turned a deep shade of pink at his remark.

“I-” she began, then paused, soaking in the compliment “I’m not a celestial, dear boy. I’m a cleric.” She smiled softly, the compliment warming her bones. “You also haven’t crossed over.” She was clearly delighted at the boy’s look of confusion and added, “You’re still alive.”

“Oh.” The boy said in surprise. “Are you sure?” He asked, with a hint of doubt. “I feel much better, and-” He shuddered in awful memory “and those… things, really seemed like they’d kill me.” Sehine gave a soft giggle, like the gentle ringing of silver bells, and he decided he liked her.

“No dear. You’re very much alive.” She replied, with a tender smile. “Why are you in the middle of Darkleaf forest, alone?” Sehine asked, concerned.

“I’m, well, I’m on a quest...of sorts” The young boy replied.

“And what would the goal of this quest be?” Sehine asked, curious with the boy, she could see that he was about to answer, before he was cut off by Kael.

“Sehine,” Kael cut in, with a look skyward “darkness will be upon us soon. We’ll have to scout out the nearby area.” Kael began, running his hand along a tree. “It will do us no good to camp on the road, bandits or worse will take note of our presence and attack at night.”

“R-Really?” The boy asked, shaking. “Wh-What do you mean worse?”

“You name it.” Kael shrugged, with a bit of a mischievous grin in his eye “Goblins, giant spiders, owlbears, and this region, maybe even remnants of Huanetzin’s undead army.” Kael knew he was scaring the kid, and it was amusing to see the young boy show a bit of dread. “Plus there could be ha-Augh!” Kael yiped, as Sehine elbowed him in the ribs.

“Luckily for you,” Sehine jumped in, with a glare at Kael, “we’re experienced adventurers, more than fit to overcome the dangers of this forest.”

After several minutes of searching the area, Kael declared their safest bet to be a rock outcropping at the top of a hill, he smiled in satisfaction at locating such a good spot, and within minutes he had a small camping fire started.

“Admit it, Sehine, you are impressed at my survivalist skills.” Kael proclaimed with a perfect lack of humility. “It’s the perfect spot, so long as we snuff the fire before it gets too late.” he announced as he began to open his travelsack.

“You, my dear friend, are completely lacking in humility.” She chuckled to him. “Still, it is impressive.” She admitted.

Kael reached deep into his travelsack before retrieving a package wrapped in brown paper. After unwrapping the package, he revealed it to be a small pack of rations. It was a modest meal, a small roll of bread and enough salted meat to fill a toddler. He set the ration down on a flat rock, and wandered into the forest, emerging with a bit of rosemary and a small handful of some kind of crushed plant, as well as what appeared to be wild carrots. He seasoned his meal as Sehine retrieved hers, and then seasoned hers for her, he began to prepare both over the fire using a mess kit.

“Wait,” she asked, as she got out another ration pack from her travelsack “He has to eat too, you know.” Kael chuckled and began to work his magic on the boy’s food as well.

Sehine smiled at Kael, as she always seemed to when he cooked for her. Somehow he always managed to find just the right things to make their rations palatable, and more often than not, delicious.

As their meal finished cooking and as they began to eat, her eyes settled on the boy. “So, what’s your name then? We weren’t quite able to get well acquainted earlier.”

“Aust.” The boy said, as he wiped the dirt by the fire into a suitable seating place. “My name is Aust.”

“Aust, huh?” Kael asked approvingly. “That’s an interesting name. It sounds like a wizard’s name more than a young boy’s.” As Kael finished, he took a bite of pork and smiled, his ego thoroughly boosted by his skill at preparing food.

“Perhaps,” Aust began, with a tone that hinted at his offense to Kael’s statement, “that is because it is a wizard’s name, given to me by my mentor.” Aust smiled in satisfaction at the look of surprise on Kael and Sehine’s faces. He took a brief pause to savor the flavor of his food before adding, “Well, an apprentice wizard’s, but I know enough that my mentor gave me my name.

“An apprentice wizard? I did not know we were in such…” Kael paused, searching for the correct word, “esteemed company.”

“Nor I,” Sehine added, her tone scarcely hiding her surprise that Aust was anything but a normal boy.

“Well, it’s not exactly something I’m keen to spread around.” Aust admitted. “Especially around here, lots of superstition around Waelstrad, easy to make yourself the target of a witchhunt. Well, my mentor told me so, anyway. But you two seem like good folks.”

“Hold on,” Kael said “if you’re really an apprentice wizard, how did you wind up on the side of the road?” It was obvious that to Kael, it didn’t add up, he had probably known an experienced wizard or two, and known that they were difficult to best.

“Honestly, I don’t know what attacked me. I know there was more than one, but they snuck up and were upon me before I realized they were there as I paused to write in my,” Aust’s heart sunk slightly, “journal.”

“They snuck up on you? You couldn’t even get off one spell?” Kael asked, a bit suspicious.

“If I had,” Aust held his hand out towards a tree, a white-blue ray coldly burst from the palm of his hand, and ice began to form on the side of the tree that the ray hit, after a few moments, the ray stopped, “they would not have been so fortunate.”

“Well,” Kael started, “I do believe I like you, Aust.” As he finished his pork, he smiled to Sehine.

“As do I.” She nodded in agreement. “Travelling with you will certainly be interesting, Aust.” As night descended upon the Darkleaf forest, the air was filled with the smell of woodsmoke, and the sound of laughter. As the conversation lulled, Sehine spoke up curiously.

“So, Aust…” Sehine began, “you had said before that you were on a quest. Would you tell us more about it?” Her eyes were alight with excitement and curiosity.

“Well, I suppose, but. It’s kind of a long story. Do you care for the det-”

“Yes.” Kael began, “she does. She loves stories. I’ve never heard her ask for the short version of anything.”

“Hey! That’s only because I have an appreciation for them! You know, being a priestess you hear a lot of people’s stories, and some of us enjoyed hearing those tales.”

“Alright!” Aust laughed. He had never had friends, and was beginning to enjoy it. “I suppose I should start back at my home village, when I was nine.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
83 Reviews


Points: 6057
Reviews: 83

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2015 3:57 am
EscaSkye wrote a review...



Hey, Marak! Happy Review Day.

All right. This tale is definitely interesting. Truth be told, somehow, I can imagine this happening in an MMORPG... and it actually reminds me of Ragnarok for some reason, if you know that game.

Right, so in this first chapter, you introduced three characters that piqued my interest, so that's good. It's also helpful that you stuck to a smaller number so that it isn't hard to remember who each one is later on. Anyway, because of that I can see myself looking out for updates on this work from time to time. Aside from your characters, it seems like you really have a grasp on the world they're living in. The world-building here is good! I don't get the sense that you're just writing this as you go, but that you might have actually made a map of the continent in your head. You've also got good grammar and I didn't see much mistakes except for the ones that I'll be talking about below... which would be right now.

So, I've mentioned there are two things that I want to call your attention to. The first one is on the use of commas. You do mostly place commas where they're needed, but there are times that I spot some that just appear suddenly. I believe there was also one line (aside from some missing ones for the dialogue which is going to be in my next point) here that needed a comma but there was none. Here's an article that would help you. Please check that out for reference.

The second thing I noticed is about your punctuation in dialogue. There are a lot of times you forget to add the comma before adding the next bit. I'll quote an example.

“Wait,” she asked, as she got out another ration pack from her travel sack “He has to eat too, you know.” Kael chuckled and began to work his magic on the boy’s food as well.

See that space between "sack" and the quotation mark? You forgot to add the comma there. There's multiple instances of when this happened, so a quick read should fix them.

Aside from that, I noticed you also have the same problem I had. That problem is about how you place a period than a comma when there's an action or dialogue tag sandwiched between two lines. Here's an example of that.
“Aust.” The boy said, as he wiped the dirt by the fire into a suitable seating place. “My name is Aust.”

After "Aust", you should have used a comma rather than a period. Here's another article to help you out.

Well, that's pretty much it. You have a great start for a novel. Good luck and keep writing!




User avatar
499 Reviews


Points: 6141
Reviews: 499

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2015 3:45 am
Que wrote a review...



Hi there, Falconer reviewing.
This was a pretty good start to a story, I especially love how you had already shown great cultural detail in the first chapter.
These two paragraphs, "“Admit it, Sehine, you are impressed at my survivalist skills.” Kael proclaimed with a perfect lack of humility. “It’s the perfect spot, so long as we snuff the fire before it gets too late.” he announced as he began to open his travelsack.
"“You, my dear friend, are completely lacking in humility.” She chuckled to him. “Still, it is impressive.” She admitted." are a little bit strange. You used lack of humility twice, you you may want to consider changing the first one to something more like "pride".
Also, here: "“Well, unconscious and breathing is better than unconscious and not, so let’s have a look” Sehine nodded, determinedly." Before the ending quotation marks, you will want to put in punctuation of some sort! (Exclamation mark, period, comma, etc.) I also don't think you need a comma after nodded.
Other than those few things, I think it was pretty good. I will definitely be reading chapter two!
-Falconer




User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 760
Reviews: 33

Donate
Sat Mar 28, 2015 2:53 pm
JoytheBrave wrote a review...



I can't wait for Chapter 2! I instantly connected with the characters and was able to see the scene play out behind my eyes. I was wondering . . . what is a "cleric?" Or will it be explained later? I really don't have many suggestions for you, just one. When Sehine says "It will be fun traveling with you, Aust" it doesn't quite fit with the general feel for the story. Consider changing the word "fun" to "pleasurable" or something similar but more formal sounding than "fun".



Random avatar
MarakZaroya says...


I caught it when I was first going over it and then missed it when I actually did editing, but I've fixed it now




Goos are anarchists.
— WeepingWisteria