Published January 17, 2024
Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
My breath still smelling like pussy,
And I am writing letters, yours truly
I have to admit, in your abscene I have been unruly
Don't act so holy
I am wiping every girl in town,
Till the day I can see your face down
And lying on the bed
With your legs spread
My mind got the best of me,
If you leave me like this, I become shady
And no, I am not the real one
Nor slim, all fun
You can say I exercise for our encounter
With you, I feel like the devil I done barter
Wiskey and fluids on my breath
Waiting for you to take a step
The door to hell is wide open
And your face is tattoed on my chest, a totem
Living in my world forever,
To be honest, you got the better
Of me, and I fell in the abyss
Roaming forever, wandering where's my miss
Well, when we were together I went nuts on your pussy, I hit
God damn, what a trip
For whoever reads my words,
I come from a different world
You need to kill in order to survive,
You need to walk through the field, of mines
And when will I get mine?
In this room, sand flows, time
I feel suffocated
Your touch got me intoxicated
Nine stanzas, once again
It seems like a bookmark, friend
Trying to prove your theories of wanting me, until the end
Until the day, the reaper, I have met
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139,203 Literary Works • 672,505 Reviews
Hey friend, Ellie here for a quick review! I totally agree with alliyah's comment below. The content in this poem may not be very appealing to young writers and poetry readers, so if you are wanting feedback on mature content it might be better to post it somewhere for a mature audience. But I am still so happy to give your poem a read and review the content! I also see that this is marked as satire, so I will not take it literally.
First of all, I want to compliment you on your rhyme scheme. You maintained the rhyme scheme throughout the entire poem, except for a few parts that seemed to struggle a little bit. Let me quite those here:
and this one:
Also, I do not drink/don't know much about names etc, but I believe Wiskey should be Whiskey?
I like your use of asking a question here. That is one of my favorite poetic elements, because I find that it engages the reader a lot more. I find it interesting how you shift from referencing drug/alcohol substances to referring to this partner as being the intoxicating substance. the shift from something external to a person is a really nice way to portray love. I liked that part a lot! I also liked the repeat of the word mine- from the mine metaphor to statement about yourself.
you also do have a very nice poetic voice and I liked the vocab you used in these lines:
in conclusion, I think you have a nice poetic voice and a lovely ability to rhyme. I encourage you to share this with more mature audiences if you want feedback on the actual content of the poem. but as always, thanks for being here and thanks for sharing your poem! you are appreciated!
your friend,
Ellie
Hi MannyPLator, I am here to review your work.
So first off - I would mention, that you may not quite find the readership you are looking for for a work like this on YWS because users are primarily young - and works are often geared towards less mature subjects. But I'll attempt a review!
Language and Subject
> The first thing that stood out to me is that you use pretty direct language for the sexual elements described. This had the effect of making the piece feel a bit risky / inappropriate - and certainly a little gritty. I think poems describing intimacy can usually lean in one of two directions - either sort of a risky / gritty vibe or a more romantic / even elegant / loving vibe. It seemed like you were describing the speaker's encounter with intimacy to be more of the former than the latter. The partner of the speaker's sexual experience, seems to also be described in fairly objectifying / subject terms - almost like a drug (using words like intoxicated and minefield metaphors) rather than as a person. There are no personal, emotional, or personality details given to describe the partner / subject, just primarily physical descriptors. Personally, I think the poem might be more impactful if you made the subject / partner to be more of a person in your poem - but maybe you were trying to focus more on the speaker's reaction to the experience than their relationship or connection.
I think if instead of using such direct / somewhat language for the sexual portions, and maybe using a bit more metaphor or allusion (to be a little less direct) your poem would feel a bit more thoughtful / emotional rather than simply physical. As it is - the main emotions that seem to come from your poem are anger, anxiety, and being trapped. Your first line and stanza in particular does not portray any sort of positivity or towards the sexual encounter, but an anger, frustration, dismissal. Making me again wonder if they actually hate their partner - or if the partner is some sort of metaphor for death even?
The stanza referencing "slim shady" also made me wonder if the entire poem was really supposed to be sort of a satire of really dramatic poems about death? And if I was supposed to read everything in a bit more of a joking manner (especially because you decided to post it in the "satire" genre) - but I was a bit lost on tone there to be honest and was not sure.
Variety of Themes
A prominent theme in your poem seemed to be death, as I said earlier I was wondering if maybe you were even perhaps alluding to the partner being death or the grim reaper in the last stanza. You reference the grim-reaper, mines, killing, suffocation- a lot of allusions to death, which is not something I'd expect in a poem about intimacy. I think it's interesting that you link the two, but I had quite a bit of trouble figuring out how the two were connected for the speaker and you might spend a bit more time on that. Why is the speaker so wrapped up in death? How does that directly connect to their partner? The title also didn't give me any hints, and I couldn't figure out how it was connected to the poem.
Rhyme
I think generally your usage of rhyme did elevate this poem to feel a bit more thoughtful and intentional than just feelings on a page - and I liked that you weren't afraid to use near-rhyme in some place too - there were a few lines that felt like the rhymes were a bit of a stretch though like "hit" and "trip" felt a little odd?
Overall
I think personally I would have connected to the poem more if the language was maybe a little less direct / vulgar - but that would be more of a personal preference. I think it is interesting to connect the themes of death and intimacy, but as written, I'm not sure you've quite shown the readers how these two are connected - that is something that maybe you could incorporate a bit more in future edits.
Hope this was helpful!
alliyah