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Eternal torment of the mortal soul

by MannyPLator


Night falls dark upon his eyes

He hates it when he reads between the lines

Night falls dark upon my soul

Theres no salvation where I’m goin

Oh the moon is also up, and it fills his gaze

All He’s seeing is her smile always

The sun is nowhere to be found

I feel the cold temperature of the ground

And I wish I had a telescope

To see her up there in the north

The moon is winking and callin me

Whispering “without your muse where would you be?”

Now he’s thinking, is she an angel or a devil?

The answer will be written with bloody pencil,

The words will sting and the touch fatal

In the end it will be worth it girl?

She makes him travel at the speed of light

But he slows down to a stop during the night

These are just random toughts

Dont take it as poetry

The real poetry will be

When she moves her hips around me

And up there in the distance,

Comes a light and shines the sky

Its the moment when I realize

We can be at eachother’s side

Its not a full day yet

Roosters are still not singing

But the light of the horizon

Gives me nothing but whisful thinking

The moment gets closer,when the sun will be up

When I’ll finally be able to hold her in my lap

And hug her till she cant breathe

On that day destiny will be fulfilled

That’s the day when it began,

And the sun will never come down

Even when the moon will be up

She’ll call me back and save me from the dark

The birds are conversating and lifes begins to move

And the power to write these words come from the love I have for my muse

The portrait isnt complete though

Until there’s pictures of our own

And somewhere in the distant past

When we’ll build a house that will forever last


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16 Reviews


Points: 45
Reviews: 16

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Thu Apr 01, 2021 2:56 am
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JamesPeterson wrote a review...



Hello, short review from a flaming book! :D

I just popped by, having never read or reviewed any of your work before (probably because your new XD). First, I love the way you started. It was very powerful to me. You said not poetry, but I think it could be song lyrics maybe.
Just get some nice music to it.
Your metaphors are great like quitecontrary said.
I don't have too much to say, since quitecontrary did a great job of reviewing.
I hope to see more of your work!
:)

~Zacharias Drake



Random avatar
MannyPLator says...


Thank you very much sir. I am working on other pieces and still have many unpublished, however it is hard to find the time with work and other social distractions, but more stuff will come out, that I guarantee.



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52 Reviews


Points: 3798
Reviews: 52

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Mon Mar 29, 2021 9:32 pm
quitecontrary wrote a review...



Hi there! I see you are new to YWS, so welcome! :D

These are just random toughts

Dont take it as poetry
if it's not poetry what is it???
I was really surprised reading this piece because your metaphors are extremely strong, and yet not at all what I expected from a romantic piece. I'll dive into critiques and show you what I mean:
Night falls dark upon his eyes

He hates it when he reads between the lines

Night falls dark upon my soul

Theres no salvation where I’m goin
These lines make a very powerful beginning, and set the dark mood for the rest of the piece. I loved the repetition of "Night falls dark...", but I didn't know if you bolded your first line on purpose. Also, I think adding stanzas would really improve the piece on page.
Now he’s thinking, is she an angel or a devil?

The answer will be written with bloody pencil,

The words will sting and the touch fatal

In the end it will be worth it girl?
This part was a little confusing, because I didn't expect the narrator to ask the question of the girl. Would the girl be pained to know what he thinks of her, or would it pain him more?
And up there in the distance,

Comes a light and shines the sky

Its the moment when I realize

We can be at eachother’s side

Its not a full day yet

Roosters are still not singing

But the light of the horizon

Gives me nothing but whisful thinking
In this section, I thought the light at the beginning was the same as the light at the end. It's really interesting how the mood changes, first from hopeful and then back to pessimistic. There's definitely inner change going on in the narrator throughout this piece, and I think it starts with the idea that she might be a "devil" but then towards the end the narrator is reaching for their destiny, hopeful of their life together.
She’ll call me back and save me from the dark

The birds are conversating and lifes begins to move
This part kind of supports my theory from above, because the narrator is no longer think of her as a "devil" but sees life because of her, and knows that she'll save him from the dark.

I want to touch on your title, "Eternal torment of the mortal soul", because I've been wondering all along how it connected with your piece. I think it has a lot to do with your last few lines, where you talk about your "distant past". The narrator isn't bound to one time, because he describes almost the entire life between him and the girl but alludes to it as "past". I would describe the eternal torment like you did earlier("wishful thinking") and it's the idea that the narrator doesn't know if all his hope will come to naught. But then the idea of a "mortal soul" and "a house that will forever last" seem contradictory. I think this might also be a part of the narrator's torment, that although he is mortal he wants his house to live on forever.

Overall great work! There was a lot of emotion behind the metaphors you used, and although the narrator seemed to have a lot of doubt, at the end you use a very hopeful tone that cements the narrator's belief and love in the girl.

(if anything was confusing to you just ask and I'll try and clarify it ;))



Random avatar
MannyPLator says...


Hello there, and thank you for your honest review. First off, I want to start by saying that I am not a native english speaker, so please excuse the typos. Second of all, I know the format is not proper, that is because It was created and been dusting off in my notepad. I do not see myself as a writer, as that can be observed in the line " Don't take it as poetry". At the time that I was writing this I really believed that it will be a total mess, because the whole thing was created in about an hour, it seemed like the words fit perfectly with what I had going inside my soul and what my brain was thinking.

By Eternal Torment, I am reffering to one's never ending battle with the self, the inner truth. After all the lights are out and there is no one watching anymore, who are we? Are we defined by the collection of thoughts based on that current state? Sometimes it feels like we are multiple persons inside one, and in today's society people tend to forget their one true self, or completly ignore it, but I digress.

The person I am writing about, mostly, and to whom I am reffering as "angel and devil" was actually both, we cannot expect people to be a certain way forever, otherwise they lose what makes them unique. My point is, in a true relationship, you have to let that person be "the devil" even if it hurts.

Overall, this work took even me by surprise, I have been writing for some years now but just as a hobby. Not only poetry, some songs and I actually started a book about an alternate history, where a certain person in ancient times overcomes his untimely fate and in doing so changes the course of the whole known world, maybe even universe, who knows? When I will have something solid I will post it first thing.

Thank you very much once again, I am glad I found this community and I look forward to reading all of these works with great potential.





You're welcome! "Eternal torment" makes a lot more sense now, especially relating to the metaphors in the beginning. Also I really like your interpretation of "angel and devil", and now that I'm reading it in context of the poem it makes a lot more sense. I'm so glad you like the community! The reviews are especially helpful, and that was definitely what drew me to this site. I really hope to see more of your writing in the future! :D




"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind