Young Writers Society

Hi there! I see you are new to YWS, so welcome!

These are just random toughts

Dont take it as poetry

if it's not poetry what is it???
I was really surprised reading this piece because your metaphors are extremely strong, and yet not at all what I expected from a romantic piece. I'll dive into critiques and show you what I mean:

Night falls dark upon his eyes

He hates it when he reads between the lines

Night falls dark upon my soul

Theres no salvation where I’m goin

These lines make a very powerful beginning, and set the dark mood for the rest of the piece. I loved the repetition of "Night falls dark...", but I didn't know if you bolded your first line on purpose. Also, I think adding stanzas would really improve the piece on page.

Now he’s thinking, is she an angel or a devil?

The answer will be written with bloody pencil,

The words will sting and the touch fatal

In the end it will be worth it girl?

This part was a little confusing, because I didn't expect the narrator to ask the question of the girl. Would the girl be pained to know what he thinks of her, or would it pain him more?

And up there in the distance,

Comes a light and shines the sky

Its the moment when I realize

We can be at eachother’s side

Its not a full day yet

Roosters are still not singing

But the light of the horizon

Gives me nothing but whisful thinking

In this section, I thought the light at the beginning was the same as the light at the end. It's really interesting how the mood changes, first from hopeful and then back to pessimistic. There's definitely inner change going on in the narrator throughout this piece, and I think it starts with the idea that she might be a "devil" but then towards the end the narrator is reaching for their destiny, hopeful of their life together.

She’ll call me back and save me from the dark

The birds are conversating and lifes begins to move

This part kind of supports my theory from above, because the narrator is no longer think of her as a "devil" but sees life because of her, and knows that she'll save him from the dark.

I want to touch on your title, "Eternal torment of the mortal soul", because I've been wondering all along how it connected with your piece. I think it has a lot to do with your last few lines, where you talk about your "distant past". The narrator isn't bound to one time, because he describes almost the entire life between him and the girl but alludes to it as "past". I would describe the eternal torment like you did earlier("wishful thinking") and it's the idea that the narrator doesn't know if all his hope will come to naught. But then the idea of a "mortal soul" and "a house that will forever last" seem contradictory. I think this might also be a part of the narrator's torment, that although he is mortal he wants his house to live on forever.

Overall great work! There was a lot of emotion behind the metaphors you used, and although the narrator seemed to have a lot of doubt, at the end you use a very hopeful tone that cements the narrator's belief and love in the girl.

(if anything was confusing to you just ask and I'll try and clarify it )