EyeSpot - Prologue • Young Writers Society

EyeSpot - Prologue

by Manielski2000

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

She opened her eyes. As her vision began to return to her she drew in a laboured breath. Pushing against the hardened soil, her fingers fought a desperate wail of pain as she pushed herself against the tree behind her. As the pain began to fade she raised her head carefully, not knowing for certain if her neck could handle such a movement. Grimacing she forced herself to meet the sun's gaze and as her eyes adjusted she noticed a dark shape flutter down toward her.

Blink.

"Jesus Rachel, the fuck you do that for?"

She looked up at the face above her, a face she recognised but could not bring herself to remember.

"Oh for fucks sake, we don't have much time... Grab me another pair of trousers will you?"

He turned to her, a pleading look in his eye, as if to apologise for the outburst.

"Alright Honey, just remember everything is going to be fine. We'll be fine."

An unfamiliar voice escaped her lips as she felt herself turn and move toward an open doorway. She squinted, trying to make sense of her surroundings but the further she moved the blurrier he vision became.

Darkness. Her eyes were closed once again. Something was wrong. She pressed her eyelids together and held them there, reluctant to expose herself to the environment around her. Where would she find herself now?

A thousand questions ravaged her mind as she struggled to maintain sanity.

Was she Rachel? Was that her name? Had this amnesic episode been just a dream? Would she wake up enlightened and back to normal? But what was normal?

Stop.

Those thoughts would not help her now. She parted her lips, letting a steady stream of air flow through...3...2...1...

It took some time for her eyes to adjust to the sudden wave of light that flooded them. Bubbles of colour began to form, growing smaller and smaller as her pupils shrunk, adapting to this sudden burst of light.

White turned to yellow, yellow to orange, orange to red... Wait...Why was there so much red?

As reality hit her, she felt darkness envelop her once again... She would be ready next time. She would be ready...

Comments

Points: 4906
Reviews: 95

Donate

Sun Oct 30, 2016 2:41 pm

Gymnast2801 wrote a review...

Hi again, it's Gymnast2801 back with a review for The Black Cat Squad!

Uhh...okay then. As I said in my review of chapter 1, you should work on your spacing/capitalization problem. But otherwise, I liked this too!
As @bubblysprinkles said below, it is still confusing with that is going on. I have a vision of this man and woman through their personality traits (and the woman's hair description in chapter 1) but I feel like more is needed of your vision on these characters. You should also add more description of these people's surroundings too.

Overall, not much to review on but that's okay! I hope you keep up the great work!
-Gymnast2801 for The Black Cat Squad!
https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/im ... 60k129.jpg

Points: 5100
Reviews: 52

Donate

Sun Oct 30, 2016 7:38 am

Dulcet wrote a review...

I saw Chapter 1 in the Green Room, so I thought I'd do a short review of this prologue first. It's a great prologue so I don't have much to say besides nitpicks, and also... after reading Chapter 1, I'm still kind of confused as to what's happening.

The confusion is probably intentional on your part, though. Just keep in mind you don't want the reader questioning everything for too long.

So first, I just want to point out that some descriptions after and before dialogue would help the reader make sense of the scene.

"Jesus Rachel, the fuck you do that for?"

She looked up at the face above her, a face she recognised but could not bring herself to remember.

It would probably help if you could describe the man - not his general physical features, but perhaps his facial expression and body language. Even a simple, "He seemed angry at something," will help the reader piece everything together.

And here:

"Oh for fucks sake, we don't have much time... Grab me another pair of trousers will you?"

He turned to her, a pleading look in his eye, as if to apologise for the outburst.

I think it would be best to re-order the sentences here, to something like:

"Oh for fuck's sake, we don't have much time..." He turned to her, a pleading look in his eye, as if to apologise for the outburst. [I suggest adding more description here as well, perhaps describe the change in his behaviour.] "Grab me another pair of trousers, will you?"

I'd say this makes it a lot clearer to the reader as to who is speaking, and would flow a bit better. This is entirely your choice, of course.

And the last nitpick:

"Alright Honey, just remember everything is going to be fine. We'll be fine."
An unfamiliar voice escaped her lips as she felt herself turn and move toward...

As Ninlil pointed out, it's unclear who is speaking here. This quote is said again in Chapter 1, but it's also unclear who said it there as well. A good read-through would be in order, I think. I suggest coming back to this piece (and future pieces) after leaving it alone for a few days - you'll have a "fresh" mind so mistakes and unclear parts will stand out more.

I'll be back for Chapter 1!

Points: 66
Reviews: 4

Donate

Tue Oct 25, 2016 7:15 pm

View Likes

DeadlyAF wrote a review...

Fantastic Prologue! The story enraptured me the moment the protagonist opened her eyes. The prologue was over too quickly, it didn't give me time to connect to the protagonist, make sure that the readers connect to whatever /whoever you are writing about, that's the secret to a great story. Also it was a little confusing but I'm sure you'll take care of it in the future. I'm looking forward to reading more of what I'm hoping is going to be a great story.

Points: 745
Reviews: 8

Donate

Mon Oct 24, 2016 7:26 pm

View Likes

Ninlil wrote a review...

This prologue is certainly an eye catcher. The reader is immediately flung into an odd, unexplained situation, which makes you crave more. It is also not too long and it doesn’t drag. I applaud the strong impressions you give about how the main character is feeling and the way you send the reader straight into her mind.

Yet it goes slightly too quick, one has no time to truly reach out to the characters or the seating, which leads to a distance between the reader and the story. I would like to receive sharper senses from the seating.
Also, the characters thoughts are puzzling. Although they are realistic, which I like, they still should be understandable for the reader. So some fleshing out would be neat.

"Alright Honey, just remember it's going to be OK. Just breath and everything will sort itself out."

Lastly, this sentence is confusing, because it's not clear if she or the man is speaking. In the following sentence, it is indicated that she spoke, but she doesn't seem in a fit state to do so. But maybe that is deliberate, in which case I apologize for not understanding.

But all in all, it makes you want to start reading the story and see what happens.
True triumph!

Manielski2000 says...

Hi! Thanks a lot for the review.

I'll try to make sure that I slow things down in the next Chapter as it is a lot to take in.

Also hopefully the next chapter will explain some events in the prologue and make it all a lot less confusing.

Thanks again!

Young Writers Society

EyeSpot - Prologue

Comments

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources