Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
"Rachel!"
He stumbled out of his room, shirt half done up and messy hair obscuring his vision.
"Come on! We're gonna be late... Where the fuck are you?"
"I'm here baby."
Her voice echoed down the hallway, happy and carefree as always. Dammit he loved her... No... Today of all days he had to be firm. Nothing could be allowed to go wrong. All the preparation they had.. well.. he had gone to could not be for nothing.
"Honey, I told you wake me up early today! We're scheduled to leave any moment now."
He hurried towards the sound of her voice, doing up the last few buttons of his shirt.
"AHH JESUS FUCK WHY!?"
He felt himself fall, a throbbing pain pulsating in his right toe. As his shoulder smacked against the hardwood floor he grunted, unable to bring himself to get up.
"Awww Ray, Honey, how many times have I told you to be careful of that step."
He heard her move towards him and pushed himself up, conscious about how pathetic he must look.
"I can't believe your parents managed to survive here all those years, there are so many death traps here you'd think they were trying to kill us."
There she was. He thought of the many mornings they'd spent together, all the times he'd stared into her eyes wondering when the magic would end. It never did.
He reached out a hand and she grabbed it, pulling him up towards her. Her bright blue eyes twinkled as they met his, a mischievous smile on her lips.
"Come here you big doofus"
They held each other for a while, allowing themselves to savour the moment. He felt her chest expand and relax as she breathed, her hair tickle his face, it's golden blonde highlights glinting above thick strands of raven black.
"I'm so sorry about the hair."
He chuckled, the look on her face when she finally saw it had been priceless.
"I can't believe I let you dye it!"
She buried her head in his chest.
"I think it looks great. Nothing like a Raymond special."
"Ewww!"
He felt her smile for a second before she pushed away, a look of feigned disgust on her face.
"Come on! Look what I made for us!"
She pulled him towards the kitchen door, a excited spring in her step.
As she swung it open the aroma hit him, a sea of nostalgia flooding his mind as he tried desperately to stay composed. She hadn't... had she?
He followed her to the table where she sat him down and began to busy herself, piling toast, bacon, eggs and sausages onto a huge plate.
"I can't believe you went to all this trouble..."
She skipped over, presenting him with the meal, a triumphant smile on her face.
"I'm gonna need those aren't I?"
He gestured to the knife and fork in her hand.
"No No not yet.. One final touch."
His stomach rumbled, as he watched her pour the orange substance onto his plate.
"How much did all of this cost you?"
She passed him the knife and fork.
"Haha.. You don't want to know.. I figured that I would make our last day on Earth special."
It was gone, her spell had broken.
He gritted his teeth. This could not have been cheap, at least half their savings had gone down the drain for this final meal. Did she really think he'd be OK with this? He glanced at his watch. Four hours!? Four bloody hours... They should have left ages ago. He had gone over the plan with her so many times he'd lost count but she'd still managed to screw it up.
"Ray.. Are you OK?"
He felt blood rush to his head.. Was he OK? Of course he wasn't OK! They'd been together for 5 years and yet she still managed to surprise him with her stupidity.
"Do I look OK to you Rachel? You've fucked us! We are fucked. You were meant to wake me up, we went over it so many times and yet you still manage to do... THIS!"
He watched her face fall as realisation kicked in... Fuck.. He was gonna regret this.
"I just.. I thought.."
"But you didn't did you. You never think! You run around excited like a lost puppy, dragging me along, leaving me only when it's time to clean up the mess."
Her eyes lit up. The twinkle was gone, replaced by liquid flame.
"Shit.. No.. Don't!"
The plate had left the table, it's contents leaving him covered in a hot greasy mess. He stared down at himself, at Rachel and then at himself again.
"Jesus Rachel, the fuck you do that for?"
The anger was gone, flames quenched by the myriad of tears pouring down her face.
"Oh for fucks sake, we don't have much time... Grab me another pair of trousers will you?"
He turned to her, a pleading look in his eye. For once just listen to me.
She seemed to understand. The damage was done and it was time to rebuild.
"Alright Honey, just remember everything is going to be fine. We'll be fine."
As she turned to leave he looked down at himself.. Yet another mess he would have to clean up.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hi there Manuel, it's Gymnast2801 dropping by with a review for The Black Cat Squad!
Just so you know, I will give my overall thoughts at the end of this review because I will be reading as I review. So...let's get started!
- ...he loved her... No... Today of all days he had to be firm. -
'No' and 'Today' should not be capitalized because you are not starting a new sentence. Also, no spaces needed.
- ...they had.. well.. he had... -
Again, no spaces needed. And I'm not sure if this is needed or not, but it's usually 3 periods instead of two. Just something I noticed but wasn't sure about
- ...I told you to be careful on that step. -
To me, a question mark would be better suited at the end of this sentence.
- "Come here you big doofus" -
You need to add a period after 'doofus'.
- ... He was gonna regret this. -
Again, no spaces after the 3 periods and 'He' shouldn't be capitalized. I've seen this quite a few other times as well. Also, add an apostrophe after 'gonna'
Okay, time for overall thoughts.
I really liked this! I'm not one for bad words but overlooking those, I like this! It makes you wonder what's wrong with these people? To me, the husband has anger issues, so I just wanted to let you know that in case that isn't what you where going for. I love the wife and feel bad for her. I can tell that they hardly have any money and I'm curious to know what 'the end of the world' is! Very nice job here!
Please keep on writing!
-Gymnast2801 for The Black Cat Squad!
So, after the prologue, we see Chapter 1 in another character's eyes. I like it. It's a great way to explain things after the confusion of the prologue.
That being said, this chapter still leaves me confused.
To start with the start:
I think you should replace "He" with his name: Raymond. If you're headhopping in this novel, readers will want to immediately know who exactly will be the POV character of that chapter. Otherwise they'll spend the whole time confused, wondering who is narrating.
This sentence is quite unclear. Again, proofreading a few days after will point out mistakes you wouldn't have seen at first.
Here, it's best to write things in chronological order. You've written Raymond shouting first and then falling, but in reality it would be the other way around. Describing things not in chronological order can disorient the reader, and they'll most likely read the same paragraphs over and over, trying to make sense of the scene.
Nothing to say here except it's = its, and I love the prose here. I also just love the idea of this small, quiet scene; it really does show how much they love each other. An added bonus is that it gives the reader a break from the quick scenes before it.
Last thing I want to talk about it is dialogue. There's nothing wrong with it except it's quite noticeable that there are no dialogue tags.
To explain, dialogue tags are the "he said," "she said," parts. Dialogue doesn't have to be in a paragraph all on its own; you can add dialogue tags and descriptions on the same line.
For example this part:
Can be written as:
"I'm gonna need those, aren't I?" He gestured to the knife and fork in her hand.
"No no not yet..." she said. "One final touch."
It just makes it easier to read and figure who's saying what, and makes the work flow better.
As much as I say I'm confused, I'm still looking forward to the next parts of this story. I'm honestly curious about where this will go, and I'm sure other readers are too. Like, what happened with Rachel? What does Raymond know that we don't? Don't answer those questions - I'd love to read more of this
Hopefully I got my points across and this helped. Thanks for the good read!
Just to let everyone know.. I made one change to the prologue.
Instead of:
"Alright Honey, just remember it's going to be OK. Just breath and everything will sort itself out."
It now says:
"Alright Honey, just remember everything is going to be fine. We'll be fine."
Idk.. just felt it worked better..
Anyway... Make sure to take this into account as it gets a bit confusing otherwise.
Thanks for reading!