z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The wrath of foolish choices, R.T

by MandlynProductions


"Well, well, it appears I am being pursued by a couple of oversized bacon bits, no matter, I am sure the humans or my hired cronies will take good care of them."

(The previously black screen shows the silent king, Mandlyn, imagine a tau pathfinder with a tyranid's gargoyle wings to put his design simply, with a black and red cape.)

(Mandlyn stands up and reveals his wings and his cape at the same time.)

"Even still, it does not mean that I will do nothing, that would disrespect my honor, now how can I help my allies for hire?"

(The screen then cuts to three pigs standing upright with blue, red, and green sweaters running away from something.

"Oh, what about that old siege tower the king never uses, yes, that will a perfect cronie."

(The pigs are now annihilating minor bats and spiders, red with a barely proportional club, blue with a medium length pipe with a sharp tip, and the green with a lightning canon.)

(Mandlyn looks down with a angry look in his big, red eye.)

"Well, it appears that plan A has failed, what a shame, A is my favorite letter."

(The pigs are seen crippling a minor dragon, the dragon subsequently collapses, squirming as it ceases to move.) 

"Hmm, good thing I have the tower at the ready, and a desperate soul to pilot it, that is the power of misanthrope manipulation."

(The three pigs are shown standing in front of a six-legged siege tower, it's leg about to crush the pigs.)

"Excellent , but the question still remains, what to do with this body?"

(Xbox 360 exclusive, average graphics,)

(6.8 out of ten ING)

"It's weird fun at it's best"

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44 Reviews

Points: 51
Reviews: 44

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Sun Jul 31, 2016 1:13 am
ofmonstersandmen1234 wrote a review...



I don't think that this was a bad short story. It could be better and improved. I just didn't really understand why you skipped down and use the parenthesis when you describe what's going on with the game. It is a weird short story. It seems like you are just trying to replicate a game review. The plot doesn't flow. It confused me sometimes and I had to reread the same sentence several times to actually get the point of the sentence. The dialogue does go together with the story. So.... try to get those things fixed.
-Sandman
Have a great review day.




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383 Reviews

Points: 19607
Reviews: 383

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Mon Jul 04, 2016 2:03 pm
Sujana wrote a review...



Well, I'll be honest, I have yet to review a game trailer of all things. I fear reviewing this and missing the point somehow, as if this was meant to be a satire of game trailers nowadays or reviews for games. But at the same time, with my admittedly limited knowledge of gaming culture nowadays, I can't quite understand what the point of this was. Perhaps there was no point. Perhaps there was, and I simply didn't understand it. Anyway, I don't want to talk about that without knowing your purpose first, so I'll just restate the plot and how you could perhaps make it clearer.

Depends Entirely on Interpretation, Correct Me if I Misunderstood Something

-Interpretation One: The evil boss of a game is killing the games' players, as in the pigs.

-Interpretation Two: The player of the game is controlling what seems to be a gigantic and at least somewhat morally dubious figure and kills three pigs opposing it.

I feel like you improved significantly from the last review I did of your work (which may or may not have offended you, I detected a hint of sarcasm in your reply but I really wouldn't know, I don't read humans very well--if I did offend you in some way, I apologize wholly)--the dialogue was probably the best part of the work. There was a consistent menacing tone to the whole thing, and the diction matched the voice very well. I probably only have one complaint about it:

"Well, well, it appears I am being pursued by a couple of oversized bacon bits, no matter , I am sure the humans or my hired cronies will take good care of them."


This is mostly a stylistic suggestion, but at some points of the text when I read the dialogue out, some parts pause a little longer than others. For example, in this case, the "no matter" line. It goes more like this in my head:

"Well/, well/, it appears I am being pursued by a couple of oversized bacon bits // no matter // I am sure the humans or my hired cronies will take good care of them."


The first two / are fitting of a comma because it signals a brief pause in the text, as in the person isn't talking too quickly through his dialogue. The // signals something of a complete stop. In cases like these, generally I use a full stop to signal the //. Now, this is just a suggestion and isn't at all in the writing handbook or anything. But when bringing dialogue to life, I find that even the pauses are important in allowing the reader to 'hear' the main character talk. Again, just a suggestion.

Anyway, some other things.

(The previously black screen shows the silent king, Mandlyn, imagine a tau pathfinder with a tyranid's gargoyle wings to put his design simply, with a black and red cape.)


Maybe make this into a sentence of its own. Connected to the other sentence, it sounds a little choppy, and doesn't register very well.

Mandlyn looks down with a angry look in his big


Very small mistake, if next to a word that starts with a vowel, the 'a' becomes an 'an'.

what to do with this body?


I'm a little confused with the purpose of this sentence. Is Mandlyn talking about his own body (which doesn't really make sense, since he hasn't talked about his body at all throughout the whole game) or is he talking about the pigs? If he's talking about the pigs, probably use, "What to do with the bodies?" since there are more than one.

Great job so far, keep up the good work.

Signing out,

--EM.






For the last sentence, that is a cheap plug for a massive story I have yet to edit, interpretation one was correct, and this is a DLC for a imaginary game I made up. A game you will see in literally form very soon.




Be steadfast as a tower that doth not bend its stately summit to the tempest’s shock.
— Dante Alighieri