Published October 20, 2013
Chapter 1 - Of House and Home
A blanket of smoke wrapped around me abruptly jolting me out of my deep slumber. Bronze flames traveled like vines up the walls of my room, illuminating the doorway before me. In a desperate attempt to flee from the situation, I soared out of bed and bound across the room to the window.
The tree just outside windowpane seemed farther away than it ever had before. When I reached out the casement, I faced the decision of a lifetime, jump from the two story window, or run through the blazing hallway.
In my fearful mindset, I turned towards the door which was now completely blocked by a wall of raging flames. Panicking, I reached for the blanket I’d kept ever since I was a baby and a stack of photos kept by my bedside.
Engulfing the sacred objects in my arms, I bolted through the scorching doorway and into the clouded hallway.
“In the event of a fire, you should crawl under the smoke.” I remembered the fire fighter who’d taught my class in second grade about fires and dropped to my knees.
I crawled through the hallway on one hand, clutching my possessions tightly in the other. As I neared the stairs I heard a frantic bark.
“Molly!” The photos and blanket fell to the ground as I leapt to my feet and held my breath. I raced through the smoking hallway and into the laundry room where the confined dog whined anxiously from her crate.
My hands shook uneasily as I pounded on the latch and released Molly from her pen. I grabbed her by the collar as she raced out of the room and jerked me down the stairs. I seized my belongings as we rushed by. My feet pounded down the stairs as I sputtered from the smoke that now clouded my vision.
I lost hold of Molly in a coughing fit. A booming bark echoed through the house. I stumbled towards the noise before plunging to the ground. The world went black in an instant.
Something tugged on the back of my shirt and hauled me across the room. A distant, frenzied howl filled the room. I shook myself awake and scrambled to my knees. Molly stood baying at the immobile door.
I turned the door knob but before I could leave, Molly took me by the shirt once more and pulled me out the opening. Her breath warmed the back of my neck and offered some much needed reassurance. Once we were both safely sitting in the damp grass, panting and coughing from the smoke, I looked into the blazing house and worried about my parents, were they still inside?
I dropped my blanket on the ground and let the photos fall on top of it before rushing back towards the house.
Something pulled at my pant leg sending me face first into the soggy lawn. I turned to see Molly confining me to the ground. “Molly!” I snapped at her, “Let me go!” She barked back at me with a hint of anger as she turned and ran for the road. A few steps later, she turned around and barked at me. I took that as an indication to follow.
The full moon enlightened the path that Molly quickly sprinted down. I chased after her until we came upon the neighbors house.
Molly restlessly barked at the front door as I pounded obnoxiously beside her. A sleepy woman in a night gown appeared in front of us angrily asking my what we were trying to accomplish, banging at her doorstep at two in the morning.
“There’s a fire in my house, down the road, my parents are still inside! Please help!” She turned and disappeared into the dimly lit house, leaving the door hanging open for Molly and I to step inside. Molly nudged me forward with her nose and patiently sat on the cement slab respecting the woman’s property.
I heard the woman talking in the adjacent room. “There’s a fire. At my neigbor’s house.” She spoke her own address into the phone and told whoever was on the other end of the line to travel down to the next house.
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This is my first review, so I'll try my best
Excellent story so far. The description is vivid and really drew me in. There are a few grammatical/spelling errors, but nothing too distracting. For example, in the last bit of dialogue in the final paragraph it should say "At my neighbors' house." Altogether very well written!
Try to add more detail about the characters. As another reviewer suggested, maybe give a description of Molly. I love the metaphors you used and I would definitely read the second part to this.
Thanks for the review, I have published chapter two! Not sure it's very good though...
The Messenger Knight here to review for KotGR.
SO, the first two paragraphs felt too fast for me, but after that I was into it all the way. I really liked how you described the flames like vines. Metaphoric writing is something that when accomplished really makes your work shine. I didn't see any technical errors which his very very good on your part.
I think the MC (main character) would've gone back in to find her parents however, instead of rushing away with her dog. Also, I am just guessing what Molly looks like I have no idea. I imagined her small, brown, curly hair, but I don't see anywhere where you write it.
Keep it up!
Thanks for reviewing! I posted another chapter if you're interested, I mentioned a little about Molly's breed in that one.
Wow. Incredible chapter.
You described the flames and smoke very well.
You also inspired panic in the reader. It was almost like rushing through the flaming house yourself!
No grammatical or spelling errors.
I liked how you showed the reader that dogs can save lives too.
Write on!
~Swiftfurthewarrior
Thanks for the review! I hope the second chapter is just as incredible... I don't think it is though.
I'm sure it is. Can you P.M me the link? Thanks.