z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Estrea - Chapter 1, 2 and 3

by ManaHA


Chapter 1

It was a cold, dark, and windy day in the country of Estonia. I was walking down a trail of the nearby forest. I couldn’t help it, I loved walking here every night before dinner. There was no one around. Usually, there were a lot of people, but I was the only girl to ever want to walk in the forest. I rub my hands together to warm them up, now that I think about it I should’ve brought a jacket.

While I walk the trail, my brain relaxes, I don’t think about anything.

I continue walking and eventually stop at a blue bench to sit down and take a small break. I breathe out. Even though it was cold I knew it was the right thing to come out here.

My stomach starts to rumble. I haven't eaten my dinner yet, so I decided to head back home until my eyes find a tiny fruit dangling from a tree. I stand up and take it off the branch, debating if I should eat it or not.

It could be poisonous, I tell myself. It was rare that the fruit would turn out poisonous though, so I take a bite.

Oh my gosh. It was so sweet. Quickly, I devoured the whole fruit without realizing it.

I started heading back towards the trail until suddenly a wave of dizziness spread over me. I grabbed ahold of a nearby tree and sank onto the ground. Ow. Everything hurts, I thought. I soon realized that the fruit I ate had been poisonous. My luck really did suck.

I needed to go home, now. I stood up, still very dizzy, and started to follow the trail. I barely knew where I was going. I kept walking for what seemed like a long time until I crashed into something very hard.

Everything went black.

Chapter 2

I woke up to the sound of running water, and wait, was I in a bed? I was probably at home. I closed my eyes to go back to sleep, but then I heard a voice.

“Are you awake?” I opened my eyes to see a girl about my age, she was wearing a dark brown jacket and sweats. She wiped her wet hands on a towel and stared at me. “Are you ok?” I stared at her, stunned at where I was.

“Y- Ye-” I must've been too loud because she shushed me and said,

“Whisper, my parents don’t know you’re in here.” I nod and notice a tattoo on her arm, a symbol with a line across it. I blink, shocked.

She’s an Eritrean citizen.

I was in Eritrea. I gulp in horror.

Our Elector, Kim Salvator, would always tell us to stay away from Eritrea and its people. My family and I had learned even more gruesome details about Eritreans since we lived in the county right next to the border.

They were meant to be the enemy, and I was in the enemy’s bed. “Hey, are you okay?” I look at her, and part of me wants to run away.

“Ya,” I say, my voice shaking as I speak.

“Are you sure, you have some nasty bruises.” She hands me a freezing, wet towel to put over my wound. My eyes widened in shock. Why was she helping me?

“I- I’m an Estonian,” I blurt out after taking the towel. She stares at the tattoo on my arm, the one every Estonian citizen gets when they are born.

“I know.”

I look at her, confused.

“Then why did you help me?”

She shrugs and says,

“I found you on the middle of our nearby forest trail, unconscious. I saw the tattoo on your arm and knew if anyone found you they would turn you into the guards.” I freeze. I should’ve known that they do the same thing on their side as well. I probably ended up on the Eritrean side when I was blindly walking the trail and crashed into something.

“How did you end up on the Eritrean side?” she asks, reading my mind.

“I accidentally ate a poisonous fruit.” She looks at me like I’m crazy.

“Can you tell me what it looked like?”

“Umm, It was green and round,” I say, puzzled as to why she wanted to know that. She thinks for a moment and finally says,

“Ok. Those kinds aren’t deadly, so you’ll probably feel better in a couple of hours.”

“Thanks,” I say. Maybe our elector was wrong about the Eritrean people, although I had only met one so far. “So, what’s your name?”

“Leah, Leah York. What’s yours’?”

“Cody Bowers.”

“Nice to meet you, Cody,” she extends out a hand and I shake it.

“Thanks for helping me,” I say, sincerely.

“Wasn’t a big deal.” But it was, I thought that everyone who lived in Eritrea was evil, but she had saved my life. I promised myself that I would never judge the Eritrean people again. 

Chapter 3

“Oh my gosh,” Leah says and laughs. We were currently talking about our siblings.

“And then he started running around the house with the paper still stuck on his shirt,” I say, still laughing.

“My brother once ate sand,” she announces. My eyes widen.

“You should ask him how it tasted, I’ve always wondered.” We both erupted with laughter.

After it died down I guiltily said, “To be honest I always thought that Eritrean people were criminals.” Her eyes widened with surprise. I quickly continued, “Not that I believe that anymore, it’s just what every Estonian thinks.” She nods, understanding.

“Why though?” she asks.

“I don’t really know,” I reply. I stare at the clock on her nightstand.

“I think I should be going now,” I mutter.

“I’ll come with you.”

“Thanks.” She quietly shuts the door and we head out in the quiet night.

We walk in silence so no one can hear us.

When we near the border of Estonia and Eritrea, I face her.

“I guess this is the last time we see each other,” I say, disappointed.

“Ya,” she mutters and looks at the ground.

“Cya.” I do a little wave and walk into Estonia never to look back.

***

I try to enter my house sneakily, but my mom notices me. She works as a doctor, so she comes home earlier than my dad who works as a guard for Estonia.

“Where were you, Cody?” she questions sharply.

“I was taking a walk down the forest,” I answer honestly.

“This late!” she yells. “It’s so cold outside, why would you go walking in this type of weather?”

“I’m sorry, I just wanted a break from all of the training,” I muttered looking at the ground. In Estonia, we go to school to learn how to become a guard, although some people have the option to train for something else, like my mom who studied medicine. I decided to become a guard, but sometimes I regret doing so just because it takes a lot of my energy.

“That's okay, but don’t come back so late then,” she says, sighing. I nod, understandingly.

I walk into my room and sit on the bed, thinking about Leah. Why would our elector tell us that all of the Eritrean people are bad when Leah saved my life? The Elector wouldn’t lie to us like that, would he? Maybe I’m missing something.

I hear the front door click and soon after my dad's voice talking to my mom. Instead of going to the living room to eat dinner, I lay on my bed and fall asleep.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 6
Reviews: 2

Donate
Fri Mar 12, 2021 8:58 pm
View Likes
wenxinqi wrote a review...



Very good start to an interesting story. I like the suspense you used. Like another reviewer said, maybe come up with a diferent name for the two countries since Estonia and Ethiopia are very far apart, unless there is an explanation for why there are so close later in the story. Looks likes this is going to be a wonderful story, looking forward to later chapters!




User avatar


Points: 6
Reviews: 2

Donate
Fri Mar 12, 2021 8:53 pm
View Likes
wenxinqi says...



Great story, very intriguing and unique




User avatar
1232 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 1232

Donate
Mon Feb 08, 2021 10:37 am
View Likes
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi ManaHA,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

A great start to a story that immediately raises many mysteries and questions. I like the fact that the reader doesn't find out everything straight away, it gives the story a certain lightness, not being pushed into this world as though you don't know anything. You can form your own opinion and ask yourself the necessary questions that were constantly in the back of one's mind while reading. (Especially, the fruit hanging on the tree; are they naturally poisonous or have they been poisoned? If so, who does something like that?)

While reading, the story also reminded me a bit of a fairy tale retelling, which can also come across as a bit stereotypical. (Two countries that can't stand each other etc).
Another question that plagues me a little is how the border is constructed between the two nations. Is it not guarded? Or are there places like in this forest where no one checks?

Something that irritated me a little at the beginning was the choice of the two country names since Estonia and Eritrea do not border each other. It briefly raised the question of how Cody could have ended up in Africa so quickly from Europe. Perhaps you could create distinct names for the two nations, but that's just my personal preference.

I would like to know how it came about that people from Estonia have these prejudices for people from Eritrea. There seems to be more to it than just the initial mistrust.

There are some grammatical errors in there, it would help to read over it again or have it checked online.
You have a good way of writing the story, as already mentioned, I like that you get the reader to the point without many detours. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next! :D

Mailice.




ManaHA says...


Thank you so much for your review!



User avatar
166 Reviews


Points: 9676
Reviews: 166

Donate
Thu Feb 04, 2021 7:16 am
View Likes
DreamyAlice wrote a review...



Hey Alice is here to give a review!!!

A very nice world-building with all the details. And it is growing interesting from the starting. I am excited to see Leah and Cody friendship.

Grammatical Mistakes
(just small ones, we all do sometimes)

It was a cold, dark, and windy day in the country of Estonia.


The comma after dark was not needed.

My family and I had learned even more gruesome details about Eritreans since we lived in the county right next to the border.


I think county was meant to be written country.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It could be poisonous, I tell myself. It was rare that the fruit would turn out poisonous though, so I take a bite.


Stupid kid! You could have gone home eat something.

“I guess this is the last time we see each other,” I say, disappointed.

“Ya,” she mutters and looks at the ground.


I am getting a feeling this is not the last time you both are going to see each other.


Overall you have done a great job with suspense, world-building everything.
Hope to see the next chapters of this novel in the green room. Keep writing!!!

Bye!!!




ManaHA says...


Thank you so much for your review!



User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 2189
Reviews: 33

Donate
Wed Feb 03, 2021 6:42 pm
View Likes
Ave38 wrote a review...



So, a pretty good start! We already have some secrets going around.

Usually, there were a lot of people, but I was the only girl to ever want to walk in the forest.
This sentence confused me because it contradicted itself. Is she walking off the trail?
I rub my hands together to warm them up, now that I think about it I should’ve brought a jacket.
Since you started off in past tense, you should stay in past tense, so you would say rubbed instead. I noticed this in a few other places too.
My stomach starts to rumble. I haven't eaten my dinner yet, so I decided to head back home until my eyes find a tiny fruit dangling from a tree. I stand up and take it off the branch, debating if I should eat it or not.
No, don't do it!
Oh my gosh. It was so sweet. Quickly, I devoured the whole fruit without realizing it.
And she did it. *sigh*
I started heading back towards the trail until suddenly a wave of dizziness spread over me. I grabbed ahold of a nearby tree and sank onto the ground. Ow. Everything hurts, I thought. I soon realized that the fruit I ate had been poisonous. My luck really did suck.
Don't eat weird fruit in the woods, kids.
She’s an Eritrean citizen.

I was in Eritrea. I gulp in horror.

Our Elector, Kim Salvator, would always tell us to stay away from Eritrea and its people. My family and I had learned even more gruesome details about Eritreans since we lived in the county right next to the border.
Getting into some pretty interesting world-building here. The girl's parents probably aren't going to like this, if it goes both ways.
Thanks,” I say. Maybe our elector was wrong about the Eritrean people, although I had only met one so far. “So, what’s your name?”
That was a pretty fast turn around from the terror. She must be pretty trusting, considering that she's eaten a poisonous fruit already.
“You should ask him how it tasted, I’ve always wondered.” We both erupted with laughter.
She's never eaten any sand before?
“I don’t really know,” I reply. I stare at the clock on her nightstand.
Wasn't it because of the Elector? Does she not want to discuss that?
The Elector wouldn’t lie to us like that, would he? Maybe I’m missing something.
Untrustworthy government alert!
All in all, pretty interesting! I would definitely like to see more! Also, welcome to YWS and I hope to see you around!




ManaHA says...


Thank you so much for your review! I really appreciate it! I always get confused with past and present tense, lol.



User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Wed Feb 03, 2021 6:23 pm
ManaHA says...



Hello Everyone! I am new to this website and wanted to publish the recent story I wrote. I will surely submit more chapters if people show interest. I will appreciate your feedback if you read it! Thank you!





Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
— Brené Brown