Short Story

You've got a lot of good things going here- your descriptions are really good most of the time. But wow, you have a lot of run-on sentences. It takes away from your writing- nobody could say that much in one line without breathing. A lot of the time, just making it into two or even three sentences would help loads.

All of a sudden I heard a faint growl, or at least I thought it was a growl; my mind made a list of all the possible things it could be but it wasn’t until I heard it again that I was concerned.

Just to give you an idea, here, of what i mean. My English teacher gave me a helpful bit of advice that about the most words to a sentence that a mind can handle at once is about 18, possibly more if you use proper grammar and its contains one narrow idea. I'm not saying you should go and count every word in every sentence- it's just to give you a general idea. In case your wondering, this sentence has forty-three words. It's a lot to handle. Something like-

All of a sudden I heard a faint growl#FF0000 ">. Or at least I thought it was a growl; my mind made a list of all the possible things it could be#FF0000 ">. But it wasn’t until I heard #FF0000 ">it again that I was concerned.

also, the it i put in red, by this point I've kind of lost track of what we're talking about- the time or the growl? replacing it with 'until i heard the growl again' would clear that up.
You have the same tendencies in your dialog, as mentioned, to leave out punctuation.

“My fault, I recall no complaint from I but plenty from you,” said another. “This is why we are exiled I hope you know that.”

Enhancing punctuation, especially in speech, can give us a better idea of the characters and make it sound more natural. Maybe-

“My fault#FF0000 ">! I recall no complaint from #FF0000 ">I(myself, maybe?), but plenty from you,” said another. “This is why we are exiled#FF0000 ">-I hope you know that.”

Like I said, overall I liked it and it was nice to read a story with good description. Like someone above mentioned, try reading it out loud and you'll find these awkward parts- and probably run out of breath before the end of some of your sentences. Fix these and it'll flow better, I'm sure. Good luck on your contest!

Hey! I am Audrey, and I thought I might review your piece. I'll just highlight some of the big things I noticed.

Grammar
While there was a few other grammar issues, the big one I noticed was the lack of punctuation. So I will just mention a few places in the first couple paragraphs, and then you can take it from there.

Every deep breath I took erupted cold air from mouth, with my hand at my face people would mistake me for smoking if seen from behind however there were no people around which was what I wanted, at least for now.

I believe there should be a comma after smoking, a period after behind, as well as a comma after however.

I got sick of bullying at school and even in the attempt to fix things and make it right I only ended up suffering more.

This sentence is a run-on. If you put a semi-colon after school, dropping the and, it would fix the problem, since that way you will have a complete sentence on either side of the colon. I would also put comma after right.

Looking behind me, my expectations where that I ran a mile or so but I could still see from where I turned not that far away.

This case is not so much about punctuation as awkward wording. I think it would be easier to say I expected, instead of "my expectations where," it uses active voice instead of passive voice. And following, I would change run to had run and put a comma after so. I would also change "from where I turned" to the corner I turned from, putting a comma after from. Again, it uses active voice instead of passive voice.

“My fault, I recall no complaint from I but plenty from you,” said another. “This is why we are exiled I hope you know that.”

If this is all the same person speaking, which I am assuming it is, there should be a comma after another, and "This" should not be capitalized. With quotations you should only capitalize the first word if its the first part of the characters sentence.

Sorry if I was being a little nit-picky. Although, I love when people do this for me, so I thought I might do it for you in the hopes that it helps.

A tip with punctuation: When editing, try reading your paper aloud in a natural voice. If you hear yourself pause, there probably should be some sort of punctuation there.

Clarification

There are a number of places that I believe need further detail to create a clear picture for the reader.

I am actually very nervous with the concept of dying, I always thought of it as a roller coaster once you go downhill the rest is a breeze at least that is how my father put the concept, sucks I was afraid of roller coasters too.

After reading this a few times, I am still confused as to how death is like a roller coaster, consider adding more information. Backtracking to the grammar section for a minute, if you placed some more punctuation in this sentence it would be much easier for your reader to understand. I would put a dash after the first roller coaster, and a period after breeze. I would then put another comma after least. I would also consider rethinking your word choice of "sucks." I think a phrase like too bad would work better there.

I kept close to the trees as I sauntered off the path, just for the sake of some crazy idea that the beastly voices actually were my parents. I was wrong and while I thought, it would be a big weight off my shoulders I was dead wrong; only more weight was thrown on.

I find this sentence really confusing, and I had to read it several time before I understood what you meant. I am assuming Fred stayed close to the trees just in case the voices where his parents. He then assumed that if he found out that they were not his parents it would be a huge relief, but, upon finding out who the voices belonged to, it ended up causing more trouble. Am I right? I did not get that all the first few times I read that, and rewording that section, will really help clarify for your reader.

I did not have time; I hid in the first place that seemed safe to me, which was a big cushion of bushes. Without the expected sounds of heavy pounding and possibly barking, I felt out of harm's way hiding behind a big collection of prickles and leaves. It was only seconds after I found myself off the ground and flying back in the air, landing on my back.

This is another section I would consider rewording, I have trouble following the action. First, Fred was behind a big cushion of bushes, then he "fell out harm's way" hiding behind "a big collection of prickles and leaves," then he is on his back. How did he get from point A to point B to point C? More detail is needed to clarify.

Hammer and Flame, I Rex am the one who asks the questions,” the other head said.

I find it strange that Rex would feel the need to clarify his name to the other two heads, wouldn't they know it already? In addition, a little while later, you clarify who is speaking by saying "by the name of _____" Now, at this point we had read all three names at least twice, so I don not find it necessary to include the names again, or if you still want to keep the names, just say named instead of "by the name of"

Whenever I heard the word ‘strange’ a small, switch flicks on inside me head, it always irritated me and I am sure for many it is something similar.

This detail seems really out of place, and takes the reader out the scene you are creating, I would consider rethinking it.

“Is it not clear?” The hounds looked puzzled; it almost felt like teaching a child. “You must agree with one another, if you do then you are acting as one.”

I think you need to clarify who is speaking here, when I first read it I thought it was one of the hounds who said it.

Additional Comments

I thought the moral of your story was good. Though, I had trouble with the three-headed dog character. First, you paint it as not very bright (i.e they are compared to small children.) Then, after exchanging only a few sentences with Fred, they seem wise and all-knowing, as if they have the answer to life. It is a little hard for me to believe. I would consider playing around with the dialogue a bit to see if you can come up with something a little more realistic.

Now, for the good! First, I want to say that I really enjoyed your story, despite all my nit-picks. I really love your concept, it has wonderful potential, and the tie-in to Greek mythology is great. In addition, I loved some of your detail, particularly this bit:

Running became frustrating, my lungs felt like giant coil weights constricting my heart and throat.

Feel free to take some of my suggestion or not take any at all, because that's exactly what they are - suggestions. With a little editing, you will have a great piece on your hands! I really hope I helped. Good luck with the contest!

Audrey

Yo, it's #00BF40 ">IR here. It's a pleasure to review your story. OK, starting off, nothing i say has to be right. I'm 14 years old so, your choice.

I started reading it, and it was very solid. But, i found some confusing sentences. ONe of them, the smoky breath one, was already pointed out by Irish Fire. Also,

I am actually very nervous with the concept of dying#FF0000 ">. I always thought of it as a roller coaster once you go downhill#FF0000 ">, the rest is a breeze#FF0000 ">(something to connect the sentences) at least that is how my father put the concept, sucks I was afraid of roller coasters too.

Ok, in red are my suggestions.

I read on and found some missing commas and punctuations. Maybe you have done this, but i like to print it out and read it aloud. Sometimes you'll find that it sounds different that what you imagine.

Conclusion

It's solid. It has a good contrast of description and character development. Overall, a good job. My best wishes for your competition.

Hiya! Irish here!

So, I liked this! I didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes, and the story was rather heartwarming in a weird way....lol.

Just one thing that sort've jumped out at me when I was reading:

with my hand at my face people would mistake me for smoking if seen from behind however there were no people around which was what I wanted, at least for now.
It was unfair, or at least I thought it was to be in a predicament where I had to run away from home.

That was a little oddly put to me. I had to read it twice for it to really make sense. I'd rephrase it to something like "With pressed tightly to my mouth people..." or something like that. But it could just be me. *shrugs*

Also, and again this might just be me, but I would explain his problem more, it seems like he was just fed up and just run away and to me it seems a little melodramatic? Again, could be me

But again, I liked this! Good luck in your contest and PM me if you have any questions!

Keep up the good work!

-Irish