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The Copious Few. Chapter 6

I will normally release them in sets of 5, but this was kind of a transitional, so I thought I'd just publish it since it's done.

First five chapters

Next chapter

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10/10/10

Silence. They always talk about the silence before the storm, but you never hear about the silence after the storm. You sit there quivering, not wanting to break the quiet for fear of more destruction. A ringing fills the ear as you’re afraid to open your eyes. No matter what, it won’t be good. Either you’ll see whatever comes after death, or you’ll see what was left behind.

What was left behind in the cozy little town of Wiondale was not very much, and what did remain, was something to wonder at. Half of the Saenz house had been crushed by a strange object never seen in this town before. It looked like a sculpture, but not like anything they would have in their town. Black, huge, and ominous, it looked like something that would be used in some sort of satanic ritual. The shape was like nothing recognizable on this Earth, and the material resembled petrified wood.

About a mile across town, the entire block on which Sonia Sutton lived was covered by an eerie mist. It looked like a cloud, and would have been beautiful, if not for the fact that everyone inside it was dead. Well . . . almost everyone.

The Merle home was demolished. It looked like it had been pressured from every angle, and suddenly released. The force of the explosion had spread the framework of the house as far as two houses down. The stairs to the basement were visible as the walls of the building were yards away, and the ceiling was still raining down to the ground from the blast. No sound came from what was now just a hole in the ground.

On the outskirts of town, a man had lived alone. He had run a fairly good life of mugging old ladies as they got into their cars and robbing gas stations, until Diamond put an end to that. The house itself looked fine. But if you looked inside, at the body lying on the living room floor, you would see a strange thing. The blood beginning to boil, the skin starting to shrivel. Had Diamond, who was mere feet away from the corpse, been conscious as the air pressure in the room dropped below .15atm, she would probably would have passed out anyway at the sight of the deforming body. But she wasn’t. She was completely fine, as was her brother in the next room over. Lying on the bloodstained carpet, the watch was still clasped in her hand. The seconds hand ticked slowly around to the twelve. 12:05 am.

Most of the other houses and inhabitants in Wiondale had suffered similar fates to those previously mentioned, with moderate variety. The Zegher home for example: while the structure still stood, all the windows were blown out, the doors blasted open by the force of the water now soaking their property and rolling down the street. There seemed to be no other explanation than a vast quantity of H2O suddenly filling the house to the point of bursting, and blasting all fragile aspects of the walls out. Not much of an explanation, but what other one was there?

If one drove through Wiondale at any point on that sleepy October morning, they probably would have checked themselves at the doctor right away for fear of hallucinations. But nobody drove through Wiondale. And in reality, if they had, it only would have confirmed an already established fear. Because at the same moment these strange occurrences hit the town, similar disasters struck the entire planet. Propane trucks on the highway burst from a change in pressure, or exploded as an entire mile of road spontaneously combusted. Almost every coastal city was flooded as the sea level rocketed because all across the planet, including over the oceans, the same thing happened as did to the Zegher’s. Fire didn’t stop at highways either. Forget global warming, the flames that lit up the north pole that night were enough to make the penguins drown themselves before they could become extinct.

And as the end of the world took place, the people all across the country fell mysteriously into a deep sleep. And 99.99% of them died. Whether this is classified as the “end of the world” is really a matter of opinion. But one thing was indisputable: Nothing would ever be the same.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Knight Dragon, here to review on this glorious review day!

As you sit there quivering, not wanting to break the quiet for fear of more destruction.

I know fragments can be used stylistically, but this one is long enough to be a sentence and doesn't seem to serve any purpose all by itself. You could have easily left off the "As" as the beginning, and had a much stronger impact with the sentence.

It looked like a cloud, and would be beautiful

Minor verb tense shift. That should be "would have been."

No sound was omitted from what was now just a hole in the ground.

You could have easily transformed that into active voice instead of passive (the "was omitted") by saying something like "came." It makes the sentence stronger. But it's purely style.
Also, a quick side note on "omitted." To omit something is to leave something out. To emit is to produce something (like sound).

In conclusion, if one drove through...

Wait, so the story's over? I know this may just be style, but I'd leave that off. It makes it seem like this is either a prologue coming to its conclusion, or the end of the story, which it's not. Just some food for thought.

You have a good set up, especially with the atmosphere. You've hinted at a lot, and have a lot of "literary promises" to keep in the next few chapters. But good job!

Hope this helps!

This review courtesy of
Image

Thanks for the review :)

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AfterTheStorm
Review

Hey, Mal! The name's Storm, and I'll be happy to review for you this afternoon. :) I'm going to type as fast as I can because it's almost two o'clock here, and I feel my stomach grumbling about its lack of food. xD This being said, let's get to it!

First of all: ... the silence after the storm. Tehe. I feel special. :3 *clears throat* But in all seriousness, the way you began this chapter was phenomenal. The audience is sure to be hooked! I could almost feel the tension, a static frizzle, through your words painting out that first scene. The hair on my arms is probably standing up.

I noticed something in a few of your sentences about comma usage. Be careful with your commas after "and." They're usually only placed after "and" if a complete thought follows, such as "I'm so hungry, and I still need to finish writing." Haha

"But nobody drove through Wiondale." Wow. This short sentence containing so few words holds such a strong impact. It gave me chills. No joke. You're a very talented suspense writer!

"Whether this is classified as the “end of the world” is really a matter of opinion. But one thing was indisputable: ..." The one thing here is that you changed tenses from past to present to past which caused the sentences to be a little weird to read. Just thought to point that out. :)

Overall, I am so glad I discovered your work, Mal. Despite the kind-of-cliche ending, this was fabulous. You managed to explain what had happened without sounding too textbook-y. (Is that a word? *shrugs) I appreciate you sharing your writing on here, and as always: Write on!

---Storm

Thanks for the review! Glad you enjoyed it :D

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Oxford Review
Oxford wrote a review · Fri Nov 21, 2014 3:50 pm

This is my first review, so I apologize if it isn't so great.

I haven't read the first five chapters of your story yet, but that doesn't affect my opinion of this chapter. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

You caught my attention right away, with your very first paragraph. The next one made me even more curious. Overall it was short, but you made up for that in quality.


Excellent. As Jackm1999 said below, I would also change it to make it more obvious that they were all PUT to sleep.

~ Oxford

Oops, forgot to check the box... :(

I can add a link to the first chapters, and the following if you'd like
Thanks for the review :)

If you forgot to check the box, then it's okay! Just contact a literary moderator (try megsug or Deanie) and ask them to mark it as a review for you. :D

*marked as review* Got it!

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Burrow
Review
Burrow wrote a review · Mon Nov 17, 2014 5:50 am

Jack here for a review.

That was really short but it was wonderful.

Your last five chapters was from the perspective of individuals, but you narrated this and I found it was extremely helpful and far easier than explaining it from a persons perspective. Though you should get right back to the action soon!

There was a lot of interesting facts about what happened, and when you said 99.9% of people died, you said it short and simple and that really worked.

There are so many options on which way you can go with this story, it is already great so far, and you have a really good story going here. There are many books about the end of the world, but yours is so different, I mean when 99.9% of people die, you would just give up.

But I beat that your going to make a hell of a story out of that last 00.1 percent of the population that are left.

There though was one bit I suggest that you fix, the bit were you say they were all asleep when they died. Half the world would be awake, and there to see what happened. Just fix this and it will be even better written.

Anyway this is great and I cant wait for the next chapter ( please don't take as long as last time!) and I will be ready to read them. Thumbs up!!

Jack

Thanks for the review! :)
I'm not quite sure I know what you mean. Could you specify exactly what it was you would change? I meant all of the world was asleep, not half. Maybe I should have specified

I mean when one half of the hemisphere is asleep the other hemisphere is awake! :)

Aaah. Yeah. I meant that at 12:00 the entire world mysteriously fell asleep, even on the other side of the earth. I should probably insert a clarifying line.

yeah that would work, maybe some kind of spell or something, make it like harry potter :0 haha!



Some people are hourglass shaped, some people are apple shaped, some people are pear shaped, some people are even bean pole shaped, but if we’re not careful we all become banana shaped. This is your gentle posture reminder.
— Ranger