I know it's rough. Working on it. If you want to be informed when I release new chapters, let me know and I will message you.
Prologue
The river splashed eerily against the rocks, the moon reflecting off the surface of the water. The eyes of a lupu gleamed in the shadows, watching the moving forms on the other side. The soldiers pushed through the dense underbrush, glancing around warily. The dark creature bared its teeth. Too many. No meal was worth that trouble. It turned away and headed deeper into the trees to look for easier prey.
“There it is.” The one leading the group, who had the uniform of an officer of Solis, stopped and held up his hand to halt the others. “Now, be on your guard. We’ve come to talk, but as we know, they are completely unpredictable.” He gripped his rifle firmly. The men behind him held crossbows and swords. Only the highest ranking soldiers used rifles, as those weapons were quite rare and valuable.
The group moved forward towards a thick barrier of trees. “You sure this is it, sir?” One of them asked nervously.
“It’s what they described exactly. We just have to get through.” He took a deep breath and charged forward abruptly towards the vines, crashing through noisily and leaving a large hole. The other soldiers exchanged surprised looks. Even as they stood there, the vines began to wind together, sealing the officer in. “Sir!” One of the soldiers leaped forward, yanking the vines back as they tried to block the gap. The rest hurried forward. Several jammed their weapons in to keep back the green cords as they clambered through.
The officer stood facing a tall figure in a black robe. He had a slender, enchanting face, his eyes a deep violet. His skin had a yellow tinge to it, and his ears were pointed. A dryadal. He gazed down at the soldiers with cold amusement in his eyes. “Ah.” He sneered. “Soldiers of Solis. Well, I can’t say that we weren’t expecting you.”
“We...”The officer swallowed and began again, more firmly, his eyes narrowed. “We wish to speak to...to...” He paused. He was unsure what to call him. He went by no name that he knew of.
The dryadal smirked at the officers obvious uncertainty and confusion. “Mortia speaks to nobody. Surely dear prince Illiam has told you this? I am his contact to the world. What is it you wish?”
“It is a delicate matter. What I wish is to talk to ‘Mortia’ myself.”
“Well. Then I bid you a fair goodbye. Good luck on your journey home.” He turned to return to the cave.
“Wait!” The officer called desperately. He could not fail in his mission. “Very well. You promise that you will tell him everything I say?”
“Every single word will be repeated to Mortia, with the same detailed pronunciation.” The dryadal assured him, turning back to face them with a satisfied smile.
“What am I to call you? If I am to relay this information, at least let me know your name?”
“Your Prince did not tell you? You may call me Drendon. I have no real name, as I am an inferior being. I exist to serve Mortia and her kind.”
“‘Her”?” The officer repeated sharply. “We were under the impression that Mortia was male. Surely no woman could be capable of the feats that make him, or her, so infamous!”
“Mortia’s people are very different than yours. The women are just as strong and intelligent as the men. But that is not important. You have not come to discuss the superiority of men. So, what is it you desire?”
“Mortia has done jobs for us before. The one we have now is more important than any we have given her. We need-”
“Ah.” Drendon, smiling rather sadly. “I regret to inform you that Mortia is unavailable for any task at the moment. She is already working on a job. She will be free to take up your assignment afterwards, though I must admit that I doubt you will still want her to.”
“Who is she working for? I thought we had an agreement.”
“The princess of Lunaia.” Drendon leaned back against the wall of the cave, obviously enjoying the officers utter shock and fury.
“B-But she’s dead! That was one of most recent contracts. Mortia was to kill her. Has she turned traitor now?!”
“My dear sir. A warrior cannot turn traitor, if they have nobody they are tied to. One is not a traitor, if they have nobody to betray.”
“We had a deal.” The officer snarled, taking a threatening step towards the dryadal. “Would you call that no being tied together?”
“Yes.” Drendon said simply. “I would. But please. Before you attempt to harm either of us, which I would deeply urge you to think better of, let me explain. Mortia never breaks a contract, unless the target earns her respect. There are very few humans that can come remotely near her strength and cleverness. The princess of Lunaia managed to outwit her and trap her in the dungeon. Mortia escaped, of course, but with great difficulty. She sought out the princess afterwards to talk, and found she was just as clever as was to be guessed from her experience up to that moment. They talked, and Mortia found that the princess-” He paused and smiled apologetically. “Always just calling her ‘princess’ is quite tiring. Would you mind if I called her by name? It is Katarin, if you are unaware.”
“Don’t mind at all.” The officer growl, his arms folded.
“Thank you. As I was saying, they spoke, and Mortia found that Katarin was looking for a warrior of her qualifications for a matter similar to the one she had just attempted. Mortia accepted.”
“And forgot completely about the case she was already on.” The officer said bitterly.
“Not forgot, no. Just ignored.”
“I hope you know that prince Illiam will hear about this.”
“Ah.” Drendon chuckled. “There we have a problem. If the prince heard about this, it would be......not good. So, I must admit I was incorrect before. You will have a chance to meet Mortia, though perhaps not in the manner you would like. I hope you get along magnificently.” As he turned to enter the cave, the officer raised his rifle and aimed it at the dryadal’s back, his finger on the trigger.
As he started to fire, Drendon whipped around, the previously fine features of his face contorted and skeletal. His eyes were narrowed to slits and his hand was raised. “Obedi in ignis!” He hissed. The officer dropped to his knees with a scream of agony, clutching and scrabbling at his chest, wailing in pain.
An arrow flew straight towards Drendon’s chest, fired by one of the soldiers. Drendon looked around, alarmed and momentarily distracted from the officer. As the shaft drew nearer, there was a metallic screech as though rusted gears were attempting the turn for the first time in centuries. The arrow shattered. Drendon looked startled for a minute, staring at the arrow, then relaxed. "Ah. Mortia. We have guests. Come and meet them." He smirked and glanced towards the cave
In the entrance crouched a figure, completely covered in a black, and bloodstained, leather suit. Where, on most battle suits such as those, the slits for eyes would have been, there appeared to be a pair of mirrors, reflecting back the faces of the soldiers and showing nothing of the being inside. Mortia remained motionless, and seemingly indifferent
It was a stand off as the dryadal and the assassin stood facing the soldiers and the helpless officer, who was still lying on the ground twitching and whimpering.
Mortia made the first move. She sprang forward towards her prey with the speed of any arrow they could have shot and slit one of their throats before they had a chance to realize what was happening, ending up directly behind the group before the body even hit the ground, blood dripping from five deadly sharp and curved claws on her right hand.
Even as the soldiers spun around, their crossbows loaded and ready to fire, Mortia was above them, having climbed up the vines surrounding the cave. She dropped down, slicing her claws across the chest of another man before stepping back.
It went on like this until every one of them was dead, spare the officer. He was leaning against the wall of the cave, his eyes unfocused. He had ripped his armor almost clean away from his chest in his desperate scramble before and now a marking was revealed, seemingly branded into his skin. Drendon was crouching down in front of him and speaking to him, as he had been doing for almost the entirety of the fight. Now, as Mortia approached, he straightened up. “I have sorted it out. Your task will not be hampered. But we must let him go, alive.” Mortia made no response, but turned and headed deep into the cave without so much as a second glance towards either of them. Drendon smiled and helped the officer up. “You understand?” He inquired. The officer nodded. “Good boy. Off you go then.” He led him over to the vine wall and waved his hand. A doorway appeared and they both walked through. “To the castle then. Remember what I said.” The officer nodded again blankly and turned, walking back towards the castle of Solis. Drendon smiled coldly and walked back towards the cave, the vines closing up instantly behind him.
Oh, this has so much cleverness in it that I can't resist liking it. A bit Lord of the RIngs, a bit Princess Bride, a bit Monty Python, a bit Arthurian. I'm a sucker for all four, so I'm afraid I'll be following this story of yours as you write more.
I read Kafka's review... and mostly disagree. To me, what was going on was quite clear, and for the most part, the pacing was fine by me.
Which brings me to why I do agree partly--your transitions are abrupt. The one that struck me the most was:
There, because one minute we're following the action and then we're suddenly looking at the cave. What?
My other comments are in regards to dialogue punctuation and some other general things. More than that, I don't have to say because I'd rather you keep writing and more things will occur to me as I read onward anyway.
For now, dialogue punctuation: viewtopic.php?f=151&t=44898 That explains it quite nicely, but I can explain it further if you like.
As for general things, I'd recommend reading your work aloud to yourself to make sure it's flowing and sounding as you'd like it--good for you and your writing no matter how good you are! Also, reading aloud to a pet is much more entertaining than reading it.
Let me know if you have any questions, please! Always glad to help,
Rach
Thanks for the review.
I edited that bit, so I think you'll find it a bit smoother now.
I realize I'm clumsy with punctuation. I tend to add way too many comma's. I'll look at that thread. Thanks for posting it
I read it. Leaves the reader with quite a bit of questions, doesn't it? Like, who is everyone? Like, everyone? What are their motives? I was completely mystified by the conversation (utter mystification isn't exactly the most efficacious method of drawing a reader in (which I'm assuming was the purpose of this piece), while I'm here), so I hope the contents will be clarified later on? That'd be nice.
This is a bit fast-paced. You don't leave the reader much breathing room. I was somewhat disoriented by the end of this, and for that reason didn't find the mysteries you presented quite as - as mysterious as I believe you would have liked me to. I had no idea what was going on, at all. I don't know why the soldier attempted to shoot the pointy-ear guy, especially when it seemed that they had at last reached an agreement. And I don't know why a herd of soldiers would think that they could take down an arrow-deflecting wizard creature. Their stupidity is a bit corny, if you'll allow me to point out as much; I think a lot of things are corny, though, so that could just be me. I don't think so, though.
Also, it wasn't very verbally graceful of the elf to backtrack upon his original decision regarding the soldiers' meeting with Mortia, especially seeing as he seemed to reach this revision through his own mental exploration, and not through any new information. Of course, what do I know? I've already admitted my ignorance as far as the conversation goes.
Hope this helped a little.
-Kafka
I agree that it was kind of fast-paced. I'm not the best with details, I guess. I'm trying to improve that.
It really helped
Also, I suppose I didn't make it clear enough. When Drendon says
"So, I must admit I was incorrect before. You will have a chance to meet Mortia. I hope you get along magnificently"
What I meant for that to mean was that Mortia was about to exit the cave and kill the soldiers so that they wouldn't tell the Prince. So, that's why the officer tried to shoot him.
And again, didn't make it clear, but the arrow was not deflected by the elf, but by Mortia. I'll work on the clarification of that in a moment.
So it seems like my main problem is I didn't make my ideas of what was going on project very well. Thanks for the criticism