There it was again - the sparkling silver ribbon.
I saw it first in my dreams. Random as my dreams always were, I used to see myself chasing it. The scenes would be different every time. I had chased it through breathtaking valleys and under the sea. Even in total darkness, I’d followed its luminescence, reaching out to touch it.
Then it started to appear in real life. I was 13 and had just fought with my mom over another silly reason. I was cursing the whole world, when it appeared from a tiny spark. As if in a trance I had reached out, forgetting my anger and grief.
But it just flew higher, leaving a trail of silvery sparks. I laughed out, feeling like a toddler chasing a firefly.
It made me forget my worries.
After that night, it appeared again and again.
Sometimes at night when I would be having one of my long thinking sessions. Sometimes in the park, when I would be looking at the magnificent cloud patters in the sky. Even in libraries, where I would have a book kept open just for the sake of it.
It came to me when I was alone and it came to me in the middle of crowds. But every time it appeared, it filled me with a feeling of deep satisfaction.
It was my safe haven, my closest friend. I had even started talking to it. Others might think I’m demented, but I believe it replied to me with tiny sparks or another curve of the ribbon.
We communicated in our own indefinable language.
Times changed, things changed. But it never left me.
It was still there when I turned 30. It sparkled with the same warm glow when I turned 70.
Still, it never let my fingers feel its smooth surface.
Whenever I got near, it flew away, as if to tell me it wasn’t the right time.
Today, at 86, lying on the hospital bed surrounded by beeping machines, I saw it again.
It had the same warm glow. For the 1st time in days, I felt strong. I reached out to my old friend.
This time it did not fly away.
Then, I realized. I felt like I had known it all along.
Its moonlight strands spread around my fingers.
It was warm, it was cool.
I floated away with it, without looking back…
I think almost everyone else has really caught anything worth catching. I honestly really loved this piece though. It was fresh. A brand new idea and look on things. I don't think I've ever read something that would make me feel an attachment to such a thing as a ribbon. Your use of words is simply outstanding, so good job!
I'm not the best with grammar, but it looks good to me. Overall I think you did an excellent job! I can't wait to read more from you in the future. If you have any questions don't be afraid to PM me.
Keep On Writing!!!
-- Jalmoc
Hello Malavika. I must say this is a beautiful piece of writing. The bond between the ribbon and the author added a tinge of authenticity to the whole concept. Also the first line, it captures the readers mind and urges them to read on.
The last line had a touching, yet mysterious touch to it and gave a perfect ending for the story. Good work.
Hello dove. Well done. This is a very whimsical piece. I love how simple and vague it sounds at first, but if you read it again, you see underlying meaning you might have missed the first time. The words and flow of the piece sound effortless. This is very well written grammatically as well. I do have a few sugggestions though for yyou to take into consideration. I would write out your numbers using words instead of the symbol. This helps the work to look more professional. In line eighteen, you write "Others might think I’m nutters..." I can tell from reading that you have a good vocabulary, so I think you could find a better word to go here than 'nutters'. Lastly, in line twenty-seven, I would combine the two sentences to improve the flow. This piece is very well done overall.
Rarity
Hey there.
I've edited out the numbers and all. The word 'nutters' does not go well with the mood of the piece, so thanks for pointing that out. And the full stop in line twenty seven was a typing error.
So, thanks for reviewing
Hey there Malav!
Firstly, I like this story a lot, it's a nice piece of flash fiction. I like the first sentence, there it was again. It makes the ribbon to act as a very familiar object to the author. I like how the author had this relationship with a ribbon. Most people have a imaginary relationship with their stuffed teddy or an imaginary friend they conjure up. But a ribbon is certainly unique, and original too.
I like how you described the dream. Breathtaking valleys and under the sea. The one lined sentences were also unique. I don't really agree with Cinna on the poem thing. This was certainly a good piece of flash fiction and should stay as one! It's the touching part of it that makes it so good to read!
One thing I would like to touch on was the ribbon. You should describe the ribbon as if it has a life of its own, not just floating in the air. Maybe it flapped or something? Or let out a trail of glitter? Make the ribbon the center focus in this story, and have it draw attention to the character.
"It was warm, it was cool."
There's the contradiction here. I understand you wanted to have a sort of irony here but this makes it too drastic.
Overall a good read!
Thank you for reviewing.
About the ribbon, I did say that it let out a "trail of silvery sparks" and "replied to me with tiny sparks or another curve of the ribbon". Also, what I intended to bring out was the bond between the person and the mysterious ribbon.
And about the contradiction, I was 14 when I wrote this (16 now). So the whole thing didnt even make much sense to me at that point. You would find a lot of flaws like that in this piece that comes from a bit of immaturity
Hello
I read this over a couple times, and I can't help but think how much better this piece would be if you converted it into a narrative poem. It's very vague and open-ended but also very coherent, which made this a very nice read. I think that this poem has a very strong ability to bring out several different emotions from the readers.
As far as the content and the plot of this poem, there is not much I can say but perhaps ask if the ribbon symbolizes something specific, or is this supposed to be led up to the reader? It seems to be some sort of angelic vision that you see that pacifies you, but I don't know if it's anything more than that. The line "It was warm, it was cool" was a really strong line.
Also, please use words instead of typing numbers. I mean this especially in the line where you wrote "1st" instead of "first". It just doesn't look authentic.
Keep up the great writing!
-Alex
Hey. Thanks for reviewing.
I know I've got a lot to improve.
Well, I'm much more comfortable writing fiction/short story than poems. So I think I would not be able to do justice to the idea if it was a poem.
And about what the reader signifies, I meant to leave it to the reader cuz you never know how different people will perceive the concept.
Anyways, I'll keep your suggestions in mind. Thank you
*meant to say "what the ribbon signifies"
sadly, there is no edit option