Terra dodged the flying arrow and quickly threw a knife, successfully hitting his opponent in the shoulder, blood pouring out causing the fight to end quickly. His enemy surrendering by bringing out the red sash on his waist and waving it in defeat. The crowd chanting his name and roaring excitedly at his victory, some however grumbled and paid their bets.
“And just like that, Black Panther Terra wins again! Seems like Bowman Bruno lost this round, sorry pal. Anyway, next round is between Azariel the Barbaric and Flaming Karina!” The announcer yelled excitedly or was it commentator? Terra didn't pay those guys any mind, they only told everyone about the next matches and all that, Terra honestly didn't care unless it was his match.
Heading towards his locker, Terra was stopped by a tall and beefy man, “Here, your earnings for today.” He said, handing him a small pouch with coins. Terra looked up at the burly man and nodded his head in thanks, taking the pouch and hiding it in his red sash. He took out his things from the smelly locker, a dark brown cloak with a hood, a panther mask and a leather satchel. Wearing his satchel at his side, he put on his cloak and wore the hood up, his panther mask covering half his of face.
Walking out of the Arena, Terra stayed alert in case of any pickpockets or thieves, “Hehey! If it isn't the black cat?” A blond haired teen ran to him, his onyx eyes twinkling with mischief. The teen’s face has two large lightning bolts that run down from his eyes down to his cheeks, a familiar cap placed backwards with a lightning bolt design.
Looking at the blond, Terra smirked and greeted him back, “Says the flash of light.”
“Hey, I'll have you know that I'm a Lightning Bolt! Which is way cooler than an animal, and more amazing than one too.” Ray flashed his friend a cheery grin.
"Yeah, one flash of brilliance and then it’s gone.” Terra retorted with a teasing smile on his lips.
“Haha! As expected from from Black Panther Terra, smart, cunning, and all that stuff.” Scowling halfheartedly, Terra replied “You sound like a rabid fan Ray.” Causing his friend to laugh.
“Well Terry,” Terra twitched at the nickname but otherwise didn't comment, “I’ll be waiting for my next match, see ya!” Without another word, Ray bolted inside the Arena.
Shaking his head, Terra schooled his face and headed home. Looking around, Terra’s sky blue eyes roamed the area. His nose picking up the dank smell of the area. Poor wooden houses, a dirt road, children on the side of the street begging for money or doing odd jobs, he looked down at the dull ground. I should probably give them something, he thought to himself as his hand brushed against the small pouch of coins hidden by his red sash.
A dirty child ran up to him, young and innocent with wide eyes and a cute chubby face. “Shay, mishta, do you have anythang I can eat?” The little girl asked him, fidgeting and rubbing her hands together, her foot rubbing a small crater on the road.
This of course made Terra curse inwardly, his weakness for children kicking in. Taking out his pouch, he withdrew an amount of silver coins and gave it to the child. Quickly hiding it again, he knelt down and told the girl. “That should be enough to last a week okay, be really careful with that and don’t give any of it to anyone else unless they’re your siblings. Be safe and don't talk to suspicious looking people okay?” The little girl nodded excitedly, beaming happily. “I ish undashtand. Shaya wantsh to tank nice mishta.” The poor girl waved at him, running off to her no doubt poor home.
The things I do. Terra pondered, as he continued his trek for home. As he neared it, he saw a full body mirror and for one reason or the other, he felt a pull to it and got closer. He stared at his reflection, a fierce panther mask hiding his upper face but unable to hide his glowing blue eyes or his scar that ran down the side of his face, starting from the temple and ending at the cheek.
A tattered cotton shirt underneath light leather armor, a red sash tied around his waist and his loose uncomfortable cotton pants splotched with dirt and dust. His daggers and other weapons are hidden safely. Terra knows he's poor with all the money he has going into saving for new clothes, food and better weapons, his worn leather sandals just make it seem more so.
Terra raises his head more, his unruly black hair peaking out from the sides. Examining his face for any injuries and satisfied at finding none, he looks down and sees an old and dusty black box with a rusting lock.
Kneeling down and taking a closer look, he brought out a hidden dagger from his boot and hit the lock quickly. The rusty lock never stood a chance. The lid snapped opened and dust flew around the air, coughing and waving his hand to dispel it, Terra looked inside to see small wood carvings of animals. Large cats, types of birds, any sort of animal and all in good shape.
He riffled through the figurines with great care, until he found a black panther, it was carved to look like it's ready to attack. With its face baring its teeth, tail up and body ready to lunge. Satisfied, Terra looked at the mirror again. Dusty and old, the frame of the mirror has intricate carvings and the top has a large dark red bauble imbedded in it. I do need a new mirror, maybe if I clean it up a bit I can sell it? Mind made up, Terra grabbed the mirror and looked at the box. I could sell that too... Sighing, he set the mirror down and closed the box, grabbed the mirror and started pushing the box with his foot.
After a short walk, he finally arrived. An old hut made out of the bamboo he found at the outskirts of Purity Park, with the roof made of tiles scavenged from the Damps. Setting the mirror down, he opened the door and hauled the items in. Placing them in a nice corner, he closed the door and began cleaning the mirror. Once the mirror was as clean as he could make it, Terra got the black panther out of it's box and set it on a shelve next to the mirror.
Busy checking the state of the other figurines, Terra did not see the eyes of the panther flashing nor did he see the red bauble glowing. Happy with their state, he cleaned his hands, ate his meager food and took note of the his dwindling supply of food. Heading back to the mirror and the box, Terra tried to put a price on it. "200 gold coins?" He frowned and examined it further, "250, 370, 460?" Tapping the side of the mirror and causing a dull thud to emit from it he said out loud. "500?" Looking at the red bauble and the figurines he continued firing off prices. Suddenly, red bauble glowed and the mirror started rippling like water, surprised by this he tried to step away from it only for his foot caught by the box he found.
"Ah!"
Terra flailed for something to hold onto, only for it to be the panther figurine. "HELP ME!" was what he shouted before falling into the rippling mirror and disappearing.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
entry-level YA chapters. groan.
I think this chapter perfectly shows why I don't like to review YA chapters. But that's beside the point.
Just a heads up: I will not be nice in this review. Mostly because that's just part of my nature, but partly because the way this chapter is so infuriatingly confusing. It's also because I'm obviously dealing with a YA chapter.
Before anything else, I'd just like to point out that the English is really off at certain parts. That should already be taken care of before anything else, because error-free English is the most basic foundation of good writing.
A quick rundown of everything:
The chapter starts with our main man Terra in the middle of an action scene. He dodges an arrow heading for him and, in reply, he throws a knife. He defeats his enemy quickly, the crowd goes wild.
He exits the Arena shortly after he receives his earnings. Outside, he meets runs into and greets his friend Ray.
Afterwards, he finds himself in the slums. A dirty child runs up to him and asks if he's got anything on him. Out of the kindness in his heart, he gives her some money and wishes her well.
Later on in his trip back home, he finds this big mirror along the way. We then get to find out what he looks like when he inspects himself in the mirror. Afterwards, he finds a old, dusty box at his feet. He opens it and finds all sorts of wooden figures of animals. This particular panther figure, however, catches his attention.
Terra figures (ha) that he could sell these items, so he takes them home for cleaning-up. As he prepares these items for selling, the red bauble, the mirror and the wooden panther come to life. In the end, he falls into the mirror and disappears into another world.
Alright, so my main concern is the pacing of this story. The speed at which the plot moves so damn fast. It's so damn fast it makes the Flash look like a goddamn snail. The problem with this is that it's so fast, it becomes so underwritten. It goes in so f****** fast that it forgets to properly introduce the character, set the mood, and all those other things.
The first effect of this pacing at breakneck speed is that it forgets to properly introduce the character, who is Terra. Here's is the concrete information that I know about the character so far:
-He goes under the alias of Black Panther
-He fights in the Arena
-Knives are his choice of weapon
-He's poor
-He is not a stingy person
-He has a friend named Ray, who also fights in the Arena
And that's just about it. The premise of this character is already as generic as it could get, and it isn't helped by the breakneck pacing of the plot. He's so two-dimensional! How am I supposed to care for this character in the long run if he's introduced in such a bland way? How am I supposed to continue reading about this character if I basically know nothing about him?
This doesn't just apply to the main character; it also applies to the setting. Here's what I know about the setting:
-There is this place called the Arena, where people fight each other for the entertainment of other people.
-There are slums.
That's all that there is to the setting.
The second effect of this breakneck pacing is that it makes everything else seem so irrelevant and flavorless. That meeting with Ray? It could have been a chance to at give us a glimpse Terra's social life. But no. Ray just seems like a mere acquaintance. That child at the slums? It could have shown us the situation that Terra's world is in, or show what kind of a person Terra is and in the process make him a more likable or relatable character. But no. Because of its flavorlessness, it seems like Terra did it because it was just what any decent human being would do. That scene where falls into the mirror? It barely has any tension at all, and leaves the reader uninterested because of how bland it is for an action scene.
What I would suggest is to simply take it slow and flesh out the story a bit. You know, chill out and add those details and make these scenes seem longer. Just overall slow down the pace of the story.
The second concern would be the amount of dependent clauses in this chapter. If you forgot what dependent/non-finite clauses are, let me give you some examples:
-Walking out of the Arena, Terra stayed alert in case of any pickpockets or thieves
-A blond haired teen ran to him, his onyx eyes twinkling with mischief.
-The teen’s face has two large lightning bolts that run down from his eyes down to his cheeks, a familiar cap placed backwards with a lightning bolt design.
The first clause of the first sentence and the last clauses of the next sentences are all dependent clauses. Even if these clauses were to be removed, the remaining sentence will still have a complete thought.
The problem is THERE IS SO MANY OF THEM. I counted them all, and there are more or less 46 dependent clauses. Forty-six, all in one short chapter. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing wrong with these dependent clauses. However, two problems arise because of this alarming amount of dependent clauses.
One, the rhythm of the sentence gets filled with all these dependent clauses. Suppose a musical score has only one note. Just one note. Would it not get boring to listen to such music? Same goes for this chapter. This chapter is filled with so much of them that it becomes a chore just reading through all these dependent clauses.
Two, it makes the information presented harder to digest. These dependent clauses make everything seem like it was crammed into as few sentences as possible. And seeing this much info in just a few sentences, it kind of becomes something hard to take in all at once. Basically, it becomes harder to process all this information and imagine what is going on.
For this one, I suggest mixing up the rhythm of the sentences. Add a simple sentence there. Maybe a compound over here. Basically, just add variety to the patterns in the sentences so as to make the chapter less of a chore to read.
I gotta give credit where it's due though. Congratulations on your first published work on YWS. Despite how sh**** and corny it sounds, I applaud you for making an effort to write up something you want to write. No, seriously, this is big. You don't have to be great to start, but you gotta start to be great. Don't worry m8, you'll get there, so long as you keep on going. Keep it up. Believe me, this pro outweighs every other con by a mile.
I could go on and on about the cons of this work, but I think these two points of pacing and rhythm could be a good place to start improvement.
That's all I have right now. Have a nice weekend.
Thank you for being ruthless with me! I know my English is to be put simply stale bread with plenty of molds and thinking about the bare bones of this is terribly generic. I'll work more on this. I will admit, the clauses are always something I've been guilty off but I'll work to make sure my second chapter will be less like Santa Clause and more like a pretty picture of more than just fruits. Again, thanks for being ruthless with me it'll help me work better for the next chapter and the information overloads.
Oh, you can't get rid of Santa Clause.
Santa Clause is everywhere in any language.
Good day, Cups here to stop and drop a review!
First of all, I saw the sixteen and up warning for this chapter. I cringed a bit, (not a huge fan of violence. XD) But then I read on and saw just this tiny sentence of violence! Maybe just a twelve and up warning would suffice.
Next, you get a bit of Terra's personality, which is good. He's impatient with these sorts of things. You describe things pretty well, but perhaps if you added a couple other sensations, like how did the locker smell? Was the leather armor heavy? Were his cotton pants itchy? You know, those types of things.
As you get into the dialogue, perhaps you could add a new line for every sentence from a different character? For example:
"I am under no obligation to get you a taco!" Bob said.
Steve smirked. "Well get me one anyhow."
But you do a good job of conveying Terra's relationship with his friend. Good job on that!
You then later reveal a bit more of Terra's personality through his meeting with the girl. He's a fighter, but he's kind as well. You also convey how desperate he is for money through him finding junk and selling it.
You totally caught me with that cliffhangar! How dare thee! Please do keep me updated,
Just keep swimming,
-Cups
Thank you for reviewing! I actually published this and edited it due to late night insanity... I still am thankful for the review though since a few things like adding the other sensations would have slipped my mind.
Hey, this is a great start to a story.
Grammatical Etc. errors:
First off this paragraph has a lot of errors that have to do with tense. Here is a rewrite with them fixed:
So you continue to make more mistakes throughout the entire chapter, but a quick read over should allow you to find them all and fix them.
Earning should be plural.
Finally at the end you kinda rush through other stuff he is doing like eating, and washing his hands. This stuff although nice is kinda pointless and could easily be taken out or maybe add more importance to it, like him talking to someone so we can learn more about him. Every person has to do stuff like this in real life, but readers really don't want to have to hear every single detail, they just want the story. This is just some ideas, but I hope its helpful.
Plot: So you have an interesting plot, and you definitely have pulled me into the story which is good. I love the cliff hanger at the end and also how we knew something was up a little before the main character.
Character: So we know a little about the main character, but not a lot. You leave us with lots of question like how did they end up fighting etc. We have only a bit of a personality for them, but I can't wait to learn more.
Description: You descriptions are ok, but you mainly have visual ones at the moments. Make sure to add things for the other senses, (hearing, smell, touch, taste). Whenever appropriate these add a lot. You have some sounds, but continue to add more.
Good Luck and Keep Writing
Sláinte -Junel
Thank you for the review! Though, actually this was published by a bout of late night insanity. I didn't actually remember much but for some reason late night me decided to write it up and fix it as best as insanely possible. I'm sure that the end was rushed because my brain finally yelled how much I need sleep. I'll probably edit it today since I don't know what late night me was thinking. Still, thank you for the review cause I'm sure a few bunch of things would have slipped my mind. (The chapter was sitting in my google docs for quite a while.)