Published March 5, 2010
My sister
Golden locks,
Grass green eyes,
Peach skin,
and an endearing grin.
A sibling so marvelous;
Yet could be so monstrous.
Living together
With one another;
Yet barely
witness,
her weakness.
Like the stars,
I observe,
each and every night.
Yet I was naïve,
of their diamond light.
Smiling at me,
Day by day,
Like a bright ray
of luminosity.
I purposely
turned from reality.
My sister,
Whom I love.
Will always deceive
Me;
as long as I,
live.
hope everyone enjoys. I like writing poetry about my sis ^_^
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your first stanza is quite good..it apparently describes the physical attributes of the subject...however, the third stanza and more specifically, the last three lines, do not amke any sense in the flow of the poetry....cut those wholly out...Living together
With one another;
Yet barely
witness,
her weakness.
moving on, this word "luminosity is a bit too heavy and it seems as if you have weighted the poem through such an expansive word......
Like a bright ray
of luminosity.
I purposely
turned from reality.
see, it does not have to rhyme all the time.a better phrasing would have been "like a bright ray of light, i turned from reality".it leaves a light feel to the whole thing.
the last stanza has to be shortened by joining the last two lines.....
My sister,
Whom I love.
Will always deceive
Me;
as long as I,
live.
me and as long as i live should be combined into one line..
anyways, i still like the way you started.keep writing
Hey there!
Unlike Matt mentioned, your first stanza - in my opinion - was beautifully original; and I mean this in a rhythmic sense. It was so enticing! I absolutely love the short, sharp and beautifully punctuated fluency and the vibe of quick fired imagery. It's fab and by far my favourite bit of this poem.
This bits a bit choppy and probably needs to be thought out a little better punctuation wise, there's too much of a rhythmic change:
The bit in bold is the "choppy part".
Apart from that nitpick I pretty much enjoyed this. It was one of those light, smiley poems I thought - even if you weren't getting to this. The ending and how the line length seems to get shorter I couldn't help but admire!
Keep up the good writing!
Ben
Hello! This is interesting. There are bits I like and bits I don't, so let's have a look.
A little cliché.
Better, more original.
I wasn't sure about this stanza at first but I like that you made it two lines, sort of seperate from the first part and it has more of an impact.
Do you need both of these lines? You're kind of repeating yourself.
A little vague, and this is never really explained.
Not sure perceive is the right word here, perhaps something more simple, like see or watch. It sounds like you were just trying to make it rhyme with the third line.
Overall, I like this. However, I think it is a bit vague and it makes it more difficult to relate to - you don't have to spill the beans completely but just give a bit more of a clue about why your sister is "monstrous" and "marvelous", and what her weakness is. Hope that helps!