Young Writers Society

MA! I HATE YOU!! For two simple reasons:


1. You are such a better horror writer than me, gosh I'm like a dollar store and your a Walmart. Gosh. Gosh. Who the heck is Gosh anyway?!

2. This has like 30 reviews when my stories jump with glee when they get 1.


Anywho on to the review:

I really liked this. I think that the murder wasn't overboard like some some writers but it wasn't like, Then he stabbed him and the guy died, which in my opinion is dreadfully boring. I liked the description of the little girl living next to the pyschopath. I really like the shepard and lamb thing you have going on, possibly he has a cult-like religious obsession with those who sin? I'm not sure but I like this. Maybe describe him a bit more, like the way his eyes glinted as he struck the knife through the rapists mutilated back or something Nice Job, I'm about to read chapter 1.

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity

All those others have gotten the nitpicks, so I'm just here to talk about your maniac.

I - love - maniacs.

I love making them do ridiculous things, I love making them... lovable, in a way. Not like, Oh, look, Jerry's digging up dead bodies so he can axe them into little pieces! Isn't that adorable? but more, well... how could I say this...

I know! Here's what I do. I take a character, say, a psychopath vampire. He seems polite at first, he's reasonably attractive, and somewhat clever. You grow to like him because of his obliviousness (let's say he once offered to take his shirt off for the MC - a girl - to prove his heart really didn't beat), his childish vanity, his silly jokes. And then he's out hunting and the MC follows him, and discovers him drinking some poor girl's blood in the backstage of a deserted theatre. He stands up and tosses her body aside, and when he sees the MC, he doesn't freak out, but smiles at her horror as though he didn't just kill someone rather violently.

Or,

Make him seem really nice, and then just when the MC starts to like him, have the silly vamp turn weird and beat the crap out of her for not washing his favorite bowl right. And then act the next day like he never harmed a hair of her head. He's eccentric, he's funny, he's disgusting, but he's never obvious about it, and for heaven sakes, he doesn't have a dumb motto or an evil MUHHAHAHAH laugh.

I apologize if I'm not making any sense, but I have a thing for subtly horrible people. That's why you're maniac annoyed me, he wasn't really subtle at all.

He started to giggle, which led to all-out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. Jack's heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes Jack feel both pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before Jack.”

You made a few silly mistakes thta you could of fixed with easy proffreading, but over all I loved it!

The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas

The one lying on the floor was a Mr. Steven Miller.

He was on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold [s]and[/s] hard floor.

Placing his long [s]and[/s] slender hand on his chin, he pondered his question.

He wailed like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother.

Blood squirted out of the cuts and splashed against his pearl white face.

Code: Select all

Without a [u]moment[/u] [s]waste[/s] he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket.

Slowly and gently he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hanker chief perfectly back into his chest pocket. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! Jack has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbor.”

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”

Okay.. here is MY review. A little late-sorry! But I'm a future fan, so that's okay, right? Because I really, really like it.

Good enough, although I noticed quite a few spelling errors. Also, the pacing seemed off at times. When you start out, it seems to be from Steven's point of view, and we are clearly shown his thoughts and fear. Then, after all the pseudo-religious ranting from Jack (I did like how he referred to himself in the third person), Steven is murdered rather quickly and blandly. I was expecting Steven's frantic, agonized final thoughts on his own death. It was like you just randomly switched POV in the middle of the chapter.

This being a prologue, there's not a lot to talk about yet, of course. I would make it longer though, and add in a few more details about who this Steven guy is. It would be much more interesting if we were given a reason to care about Steven before his agonizing death. Unless of course you want to tell that later in flashback, but I would recommend doing it here. Keep at it.

Hello, Maki-Chan! I’m super sorry that it took me so long to respond to your request for a review on my ‘Will Review for Food’ thread. I kind of been neglecting it, so I apologize

One of which was lying on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood. They were all still connected to him.

The other one was standing besides the man Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

“There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. This one shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.”

He was no doubly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man.

WOW

So sorry this took so long, I've been really, really busy.

I think you have a good idea here, but I found one main problem throughout the story which really got on my nerves. That was your use of adjectives. At times you used so many it bored me to death, I knew what you meant and just wanted you to get on with it, and at others I felt like I wanted more description, or that you didn't understand what the words you were using meant. Other than that the rest of my review is a bunch of nit picks. I posted it in word format because I hate transferring all of the red over to the site.

I hope that this review helps you out, and that you do continue with this story. I look forward to seeing where the girl you mentioned comes into all of this.

thanks! and hopefully If I can get off my fat lazy behind I will update and edit stuff! v_v

omg, i absolutley love it. stories liike these inspire me so much.

omg, i absolutley love it. stories liike these inspire me so much.

Hi, I'm back, so I may end up accidentally repeating some of what I've already said, for which I am sorry. Anyway, let's see:

I like the style. It's original. Just be careful not to go over the top with your style as your style is a bit too much telling and not enough showing. Be careful and you should be fine.

characters
I like the sophisticated murderer. It gives him an edge. Perhaps he signifies something? Perhaps criticizing how society depicts people as something they're not? Or maybe something else, or maybe he doesn't signify anything.

c'est la vie
In parts this story doesn't appear too realistic. How can a man be alive if his organs are half pulled out? In this case, his body wouldn't function and he would die. He'd have been dead for a long time.

Be careful
You have to be careful in this type of piece. Very careful. You're writing a novel (or short story) in which one of the main characters is a murderer. To do this you're going to have to get into the mind of a murderer, which will be hard for those that are not murderers. For instance, you need to keep in mind a variety of social and cultural ideas as well as theories and plans. So let's take social first shall we:

*social - How would society treat a murderer? Well, most well brought up humans are of the belief that we should not kill another. Why? It is morally wrong, inhuman, and are not we, as individuals as valued as others? Society is going to punish murderers, resulting in jail. Now, society don't know your character is a murderer but you need to be very careful. Wouldn't some people have slight concerns? Wouldn't they perhaps wonder why some people go into his house and don't come out, or perhaps why he spends so much time in his house. Imagine you lived next door to a murderer. What do you suspect are the tell tale signs? How would you realise and what would you do about it? You must take into account all of these factors, otherwise your story will feel the impact. Just remember, the more you think about your story, the more realistic it will appear.

*cultural - Everyone has beliefs. Even murderers. Perhaps the murderer needs to take into account his own beliefs. This is something that can really help your story. Perhaps you could use cultural beliefs to make him doubt himself, which will then make us empathise with him.

* theories and plans - How does he plan to kill these people? Especially in stories which have murder scenes monologues would be a great help. Have him come up with plans, doubt them and then rethink them. Ponder the possibilities and dismiss the ones that he doesn't believe.

Keep in mind these three things and your story should improve a lot realistic wise.

I think that's basically everything for just now. I might come back later and add to it, sorry if it's not very good, I'm extremely tired and it is rather late.

~Kirsten

hi

wow that was a great story i love the way the murderer sounded so posh. it was really creepy

(in as good way). the murderer in most story is a deranged lunatic with no life. but I'm

starting to think that this murderer might even have a wife and kids! also a few grammar

problems but great prologue looking forward to finishing reading this story.

bye

WARNING! Some of this may contain graphic or obscure things that may not be suitable for children.

Prologue


"In which we meet two men, the shepherd and a lamb."

“Murder is not the crime of criminals, but that of law-abiding citizens.” I like the idea of starting with quotes too.
-Emmanuel Teney





The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson [s]red[/s] Seeing as crimson is a shade of red you don't need to mention the word red, that way you won't tie your readers up in first line descriptions. As a first line I'm not too sure about this: generally descriptions like these aren't great for an opening sentence. Opening sentences need to grab us into the story, pull us and refuse to let us go. This does intrigue us to some extent, after all we want to find out why there's blood on the floor, but whether we'd carry on reading, that's another matter. paint against a blank canvas. Two men were in the small basement. This opinion will most certainly be controversial, but I think this line should be the opener, it's short and to the point, yet interesting. The one lying on the floor was a Mr. Steven Miller. He was on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood. Whoa! Slow down! Way too many descriptions in the one sentence, you also use the word blood/bloody too much. This line needs to be condensed. Description can make a story, but at the same time it can ruin it, I'm just telling you to be careful. They were all still connected to him. The other one was standing besides the man. Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp. Steven began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.
“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood. I like this line, it's certainly eerie, and for that alone, not to mention a few other things, I think readers would continue.

He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to Steven. However, the man was actually This might just be me, but I don't think you need the however and actually, that's a bit too much, in my opinion. far from looking like a demon. He was dressed in finely garmented, and expensive clothing. Someone would have expected him to come from an elegant party of a rich noble family. “There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. Jack shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.” His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been sweet as candy. I love the bitter mocking antagonist. He's very interesting indeed.

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor.See... to cut down on adjectives I think perhaps you could make your narrator less biased? Why should the narrator feel sorry for the dying man? He tried to crawl away, but he knew the truth. Steven was no doublyDo you mean doubtly? I think doubt would work better. going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man. Slowly he looked over at the inhuman creature positioned besides him. “W-why?”

The elegantly dressed man stared at him, slightly baffled at his query. Placing his long and slender hand on his chin he pondered his question. “You do not understand why?”

He started to giggle, which lead to full out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. Jack's heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes Jack feel both pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before Jack.”

The man than stomped his foot onto Steven's back. He wailed like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother. “Jack grows weary of your sinful existence. So if it is knowledge you wish to know before seeing the golden gates to be judged, then very well. This one is both your judge, and your executioner. You, little lamb, have sinned against the great maker, our savior. God.”

He locked his fingers together and stretched his arms, making his back pop. “ You little lamb have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human sins. You have done whatever you can to make the devil's paper. You have lied, raped the innocent for your amusement, and you have forgotten God. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because Jack shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”

Ending his sentence the man began to repeatedly jab the knife into Steven's back, till he stopped squirming. Blood squirted out of the cuts and splashed against his pearl white face. Without a moment waste he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket. Slowly and gently he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hanker chief perfectly back into his chest pocket. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! Jack has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbor.”

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”





*How was that! I hope I made the crazy man talk really fancy*

There are some things that I do agree with angel. I need to make this much better, like you said 'quality over quantity" and I agree. I am glad that you told what you thought, and it'll help a lot. I am trying my best to re-write this, including chapter one. wish me luck ^_^


Thanks for the review!

Maki-Chan wrote:WARNING! Some of this may contain graphic or obscure things that may not be suitable for children.

Prologue


"In which we meet two men, the shepherd and a lamb."

“Murder is not the crime of criminals, but that of law-abiding citizens.”
-Emmanuel Teney





The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas. Two men were in the small basement. The one lying on the floor was a Mr. Steven Miller. He was on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood. They were all still connected to him. The other one was standing besides <---( beside) the man. Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp. Steven began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.
“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to Steven. However, the man was actually far from looking like a demon. He was dressed in finely garmented, and expensive clothing. Someone would have expected him to come from an elegant party of a rich noble family. “There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. Jack shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.” His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been sweet as candy.

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor. He tried to crawl away, but he knew the truth. Steven was no doubly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man. Slowly he looked over at the inhuman creature positioned besides him. “W-why?”

The elegantly dressed man stared at him, slightly baffled at his query. Placing his long and slender hand on his chin he pondered his question. “You do not understand why?”

He started to giggle, which lead to full out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. Jack's heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes Jack feel both pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before Jack.”

The man than stomped his foot onto Steven's back. He wailed like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother. “Jack grows weary of your sinful existence. So if it is knowledge you wish to know before seeing the golden gates to be judged, then very well. This one is both your judge, and your executioner. You, little lamb, have sinned against the great maker, our savior. God.”

He locked his fingers together and stretched his arms, making his back pop. “ You little lamb have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human sins. You have done whatever you can to make the devil's paper. You have lied, raped the innocent for your amusement, and you have forgotten God. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because Jack shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”

Ending his sentence the man began to repeatedly jab the knife into Steven's back, till he stopped squirming. Blood squirted out of the cuts and splashed against his pearl white face. Without a moment waste he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket. Slowly and gently he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hanker chief perfectly back into his chest pocket. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! Jack has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbor.”

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”





*How was that! I hope I made the crazy man talk really fancy!*

I have to agree with Evi, Nutty-Senpai, and everyone else about this. Nutty was right and dead on about the first sentence. It makes the readers think your story is only about quantity, not quality. I definitely did no see any quality going on in that first sentence, and I really don't want to read more, but I'll give it another chance. Remember not to sound too elaborate. Remember it's not about saying something small in a lot of words, it's about saying something big in a few words. That's writing. Putting so much into a few words. Be brief, blunt. Only use what's necessary to create the world your characters are in.

Okay, I moved on to the second paragraph, and I'm afraid I'll have to sum up your review to this:

Show, don't tell. What are "terrified eyes" anyway? Animate the picture rather than expect us to know what terrified anything looks like! You use way too many adjectives. Your sentences are either too direct and just tell the reader, or it's just too packed full of adjectives. With all those huge words, I could not focus on your story, which might be pretty good if readers weren't so distracted by the surplus amount of adjectives.

Don't take this as a negative, Maki. Take this as a way to learn from your mistakes. You just may have a good idea here, but you need to refine what you say before you show this to us to read for the real plot of your story. A lot of reviewers on YWS will review anything to be helpful, but I only completely read pieces that I think have potential, I am interested in, or somehow follow the rules of writing and just needs a better way to express ideas. So get in you Zone, Maki! Don't look up all those words just because you think it makes you sound more interesting.

Keep writing, and I'm sure you'll improve

The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas.

The one lying on the floor was a Mr. Steven Miller. He was on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood.

They were all still connected to him.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered,

He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to Steven. However, the man was actually far from looking like a demon.

Ending his sentence the man began to repeatedly jab the knife into Steven's back, till he stopped squirming.

I have posted more!


topic44230.html

AW! *head explodes* I am sick for three days and this is what happens! So many reviews v_v I am happy, but a little bit overwhelmed. I will give a general read over everything and edit some key stuff that was mentioned!
Like the confusion of who is who. I will give the victim a name! *Gasp*
The next thing I will do is clean up the killing part. Instead of jabbing the butcher knife into his head *I am not sure if it even works* I will either just slice his throat or just stab and stab like it's the end of the world.

The next chapter is almost finished! I hope everyone will like it ^_^

I'm sorry that this review comes so late. >_< Life kind of caught up to me. Anyways, I see you have MANY other reviews, so I apologize if I repeat something that's already been mentioned, but I'm not going to look at the other reviews, just your work. ^_^

Prologue

"In which we meet two men,

the shepherd

and the lamb."

“Murder is not the crime of criminals, but that of law-abiding citizens.”

-Emmanuel Teney

This one has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbors.”

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”

Sorry this took sort of a while, I've been really busy lately, but I finally found some time.

The other one was standing besides the man Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

“There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. This one shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.” His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been sweet as candy.

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor.

He was no doubly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man.

“My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. This one’s heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes this one both feels pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before this one.”

So if it is knowledge you wish to know

Hey! Sorry it took me so long to get to this. Um, also, I'm lazy and not reading the above reviews, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

Maki-Chan wrote:The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red Since crimson is a type of red, I don't think you need both - I'd get rid of the red. paint against a blank canvas. Two men were in the small basement, one of which was lying on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood We already know his blood is freshly spattered, so this part is a little redundant.. They were all still connected to him. The other one was standing besides the man [s]Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp[/s] The butcher knife in his hand was glinting in the weak light of the sun*. The man lying on the floor began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom made him [s]to[/s] stutter.
“P-please…” He tried to whimper[s]ed[/s], but [s]he[/s] found it quite difficult, especially when he was cho[s]c[/s]king on his own blood.
*I reworded this sentence because it sounded weird, and I think that's because you wrote it in passive voice. Passive voice is okay in small doses, but usually active voice is better, especially in a suspenseful action scene like this one.
He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to him. Um, that's probably how I would describe a garter snake (I hate snakes, xD). How about horrid, dooming, extremely frightening? Because I think the victim would be more concentrating on not dying than he would be concentrating on how dirty the murderer is, you know? However, the man was actually far from looking like a demon. He was dressed in fine[s]ly[/s] garments[s]ed,[/s] and expensive clothing. No need for both fine garments and expensive clothing, as they're the same thing. What about describing the actual garments? Why do they look expensive? Is the murderer annoyed at getting blood on his clothes? [s]Some[/s]One would have expected him to come from an elegant party of a rich noble family. “There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. This one shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherd[s]ed[/s] god.” His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been as sweet as candy.
I really like the last sentence in this paragraph.
The poor, defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor. He tried to crawl away, but he knew the truth. He was [s]no[/s] undoubtedly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this madnospacehereman. Slowly he looked over at the inhuman creature positioned besides him. “W-why?”

The elegantly dressed man stared at him, slightly baffled at his query. Placing his long and slender hand on his chin he pondered [s]his question.[/s] (Too many pronouns can get really confusing.) “You do not understand why?”

He started to giggle, which le[s]a[/s]d to full out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within [s]a[/s] the maze of its own troubled mind. This one’s heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes this one both feels pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before this one.”

The man than stomped his foot onto the injured man’s back. He whaled like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother. “This one grows weary of your sinful existence. So if it is knowledge you wish to know Knowledge you wish to know sounds odd; to repetitive. You could say knowledge you wish to have or something. before seeing the golden gates to be judged, then very well. This one is both your judge, and your executioner. You, little lamb, have sinned against the great maker, our savior. God.”

He locked his fingers together and stretched his arms, making his back pop. “ You, little lamb, have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human I thought the murderer was referring to the victim as a lamb. I think it would be cool if this metaphor were consistent...like you, you animal, are inferior to me, the human. sins. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because this one before you shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”

Ending his sentence, the man jabbed the butcher knife into the backside The word backside makes me think of a bum. (Tee hee.) Maybe change that? Even just back would work better. of the man’s head. Blood squirted out of the cut and splashed against his pearl white face. Without a moment waste he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a [s]hanker chief[/s] handkerchief from his black formal jacket chest pocket. Slowly and gently he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hanker chief perfectly back into his chest pocket. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! This one has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbors.”

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”

*How was that! I hope I made the crazy man talk really fancy!*

hey
that was an amazing story i loved the way you write its alot better then most of the things on hear. what i liked the most was the first sentnce but i think that you need to edit the story so that the man gives a more.. whats the word? more of a motive you need to strech the story out more a bit the murder needs more of a motive well thats it thanks for posting



with the best of Luck
Logan

Here's my review, just as requested Sorry it's coming a little late ...

Prologue


"In which we meet two men,
the shepherd
and the lamb."

“Murder is not the crime of criminals, but that of law-abiding citizens.”
-Emmanuel Teney
Where does the first quote come from? Make that a little clearer




Blood splattered on the cement floor like smugded crimson red paint against a blank canvas. Two men were in the small basement, one of them lying on the floor, barely alive. His putrid smelling organs were spread on the floor around him. Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp. The man lying on the floor began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.[ A little logical mistake: I assume that his stomach or something was cut open with a knife, and if he's still alive, it shouldn't surprise him that the other guy has a knife in his hand.]
“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood. [De-capitalize "He" and take out "tried".]

He stared with terrified eyes at the beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to him. However, the man was actually far from looking like a demon. [I don't understand the connection of the last two sentences. Clear that up, for example by saying "Appearing to be a trustworthy man with his expensive clothing, he had the character of a cruel beast". Then you can also leave out the next few sentences until the bad guy speaks. ] He was dressed in finely garmented, and expensive clothing. Someone would have expected him to come from an elegant party of a rich noble family. “There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. This one shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.” His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been sweet as candy.
[Bad Guy freaks me out You do a great job of depicting his (close to non-existing) mental state and his obsessive belief *thumbs up*]

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor. He tried to crawl away, but he knew the truth. He was no doubly undoubtedly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man. Slowly he looked over at the inhuman creature positioned besides him. “W-why?”
[Ah, so Bad Guy isn't human? Interesting! The sentence structure of the first two sentences are a little awkward, though.]

The elegantly dressed man stared at him, slightly baffled at his query. Placing his long and slender hand on his chin he pondered the question. “You do not understand why?”

He started to giggle, which lead to a full out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb that is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. This one’s heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes this one both feel pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb that lies helplessly before this one.”
[Wow, Bad Guy is downright insane I like how you make him talk! ^^]

The man then stomped his foot onto the injured man’s back. He whaled like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother. “This one grows weary of your sinful existence. So if it is knowledge you wish to know before seeing the golden gates to be judged, then very well. This one is both your judge, and your executioner. You, little lamb, have sinned against the great maker, our savior. God.”

He locked his fingers together and stretched his arms, making his back pop. “ You little lamb have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human sins. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because this one before you shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”

Ending his sentence the man jabbed the butcher knife into the back of the man's head. Blood squirted out of the cut and splashed against his pearl white face. Without a moment's waste he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hankerchief from his jacket's chest pocket. Slowly and gently, he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hankerchief perfectly back into his chest pocket [Rephrase that]. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! This one has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbors.”

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”

Hmmm. An exceedingly gory and blood curdling read, which is some thing in the description of me. I liked it. It had varying sentance leangths, and was very descriptive. Could have been more descriptive and clear on who is who. if you gave one of the men a name, like 'it had seemed like a perfectly normal day for Joe Jackson. Until this strange man had managed to get a hold of him.' or some thing like that. it had metaphores and similies, and if it was out, and was all as gory as this, i would buy it. Well done!!

-Arekkusu

Okay, so I don't have too much to add to what has already been said. I'd like to suggest you do spell check everything before you post it, because most of the things I noticed was misspelled words or words that were misused (Ex. there when one means to use their). Reread through everything at least twice before you submit it and I think you will catch these mistakes. I think the story is extremely descriptive and I like your plotline. It is very intruiging. Here are just a few corrections:

"In which we meet two men,

the shepherd

and the lamb."


“Murder is not the crime of criminals, but that of law-abiding citizens.”

-Emmanuel Teney

One of which was lying on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood. They were all still connected to him.

The other one was standing besides the man [insert period] Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

“This one grows weary of your sinful existence.

“ You little lamb have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human sins. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because this one before you shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”

Ending his sentence the man jabbed the butcher knife into the backside of the man’s head.

Sorry for the long wait, Maki-chan!

Review part two:

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor.

He was no doubly

“My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind.

both feels pity

great maker, our savior. God.”

Hey, here as requested

Well you already have an awful lot of reviews so there is probably not much point in me being here, as everyone has probably told you what is wrong with this piece. However you asked me to review and review I shall but it'll probably short

Personally horror is not my thing, I don't like horror movies or horror books lol but I'll try my best.

It really reminded me of Saw. I know I said I don't like horror films but my boyfriend does and has made me watch Saw. The fact that the murderer kept talking about how the victim had sinned and stuff like that, just reminded me of Saw a lot.

The repetition of man in the beginning really grated on me. It was like this man did this then that man did that, and it just continued on like that. I know it is difficult because you are obviously trying not to give either one a name and be mysterious but it just really annoyed me. It was also quite confusing for me, I had to keep re-reading to figure out which man you were talking about. Perhaps you could call the man on the floor the victim or describe the murderer sooner.

The murderers dialogue also got on my nerves a bit a bit too long and complicated and I didn't like the whole 'this one' that he keeps calling himself. Perhaps you can try and change that up a bit like how other reviewers have suggested.

I didn't like the ending as well. It was like you had described the part you wanted to describe and then just gave up. Perhaps you can have him consider the victim for a moment or two longer. Perhaps he has a certain ritual after he has murdered that gets interrupted by the new neighbours moving in van or something like. Just something so it doesn't immediately cut off after all this in depth description.

I did like the description though, very gory lol and it fits the piece well. You have a nice style also and I think with a few little changes this could turn into a very good opening for a story

If you have any questions feel free to PM.

Bex x

Hellooooooo Maki-chan!! I really like your story. Although it reminds me of a bloody version of Edgar Allen Poe's 'A tell tale heart' with a bit more religion involved. Anywho, let's get this review started!! Now I didn't read the other reviews, (I guess I was too lazy to scroll down and read them all!) so there might be some things that have been already said. So if it sounds familar, blame it on me! Ha ha, just kidding of course! Now, prepare yourself for a very harsh critique! Bwa ha ha ha!

"In which we meet two men,
the shepherd
and the lamb."

The other one was standing besides the man Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp.

The man lying on the floor began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to him.

His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been sweet as candy.

He whaled like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother.

Without a moment waste he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket.

Dear, you posted in at least nineteen different 'Will Review for Food' threads. Although I'm not sure if there's a concrete rule for this, it slightly irritates me and I'm sure not everyone will be too keen to review your piece after realizing this.

But, I'm a girl of my word, so I'll give a quick overview.

He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood

He was no doubly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man.

Hey, Maki-chan!

Here as requested. I guess you liked my review of your Silent Hill fan fic, huh?

Onto the review...

"In which we meet two men,
the shepherd
and the lamb."

The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas.

The other one was standing besides the man Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp.

The man lying on the floor began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to him.

He was dressed in finely garmented, and expensive clothing.

man weren’t

besides him.

Hey Maki! Thanks for added this to my "Will Review" thread! I am more than happy to review! And to apologize before hand, I didn't read the comments above, so I may be repeating a few things here and there. Anywhoo, moving on:

The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas.

the man Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

He was no doubly going

He started to giggle, which lead to full out maniacal laughter

thanks for your guys review. I wish I could edit but at this point I can barely read. I hate having colds v_v

Here I am as you requested , and it seems the first review since you last edited it, so I really hope this helps you out!! (:
As always, all my comments etc will be in bold and I will talk you through my review at the end =D
[?]= I've added something in that I'm not too sure about

Maki-Chan wrote:[s]The[/s] Blood was splattered [s]against[/s] across [I think that word fits better?]the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas. Two men were in the small basement [Try showing instead of telling here. I can see after this you go on to describe the two men, so instead of stating that they're there and then going on to describe them, show us that they're there by describing them instead - does that make sense? So you could say: two men lay on the floor of the basement, blood splattered messily across their otherwise pristine uniform... That's bad writing, but do you get what I mean - just basically cut the bit I've underlined and instead go straight into describing them - what do you think?]. One of which was lying on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood [this is great imagery, well done (: ]. [s]They were all still connected to him.[/s] The other one was standing besides the dead [?] man; glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher's knife in his ___ [I think a verb is needed here to describe his grasp, otherwise the sentence doesn't flow too well - and amazing descriptions so far, well done!! (: ] grasp. The man lying on the floor began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.
“P-please…” he [s]tried[/s] whimpered, but he found [s]it[/s] speaking quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood. [I think some work is needed on this sentence here... I've gone over it, and added and taken a few bits out, but I'm still not quite too sure how to phrase this sentence... If I was you, I would go over this and try and rephrase it?]

He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher's knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to him. However, the man was actually far from looking like a demon; he was dressed in such a finely garment [s]someone[/s] that [?] would have expected him to come from an elegant party of a rich noble family.
[NP >>]“There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. This one shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.” His [now, there are two men in the room so just using the pronoun could cause confusion for your reader, as we lose the gist as to who he/him etc actually is, so try and come up with some kind of nickname or something that we, as readers of your novel, can use to differ the two men - what do you think?] tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher's knife his words would have been as sweet as candy.

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor. He tried to crawl away, but he knew the truth [now, this sounds like a leap from the last paragraph, causing them to not flow into each other nicely, which isn't good =P . So, I would look over the ending of the previous paragraph and the start of this paragraph and find some way to link the two together to avoid this paragraph sounding as though it's been dropped out of nowhere - which it certainly hasn't!! (: ]. He was no doubly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man. Slowly he looked over at the inhuman creature positioned besides him. “W-why?” [As I said in the last piece I reviewed for you, try not to overuse stuttered speech]

The elegantly dressed man [brilliant you've used a term to split the two men apart from each other, so we don't get confused as to who's doing what - brilliant!! ] stared at him, slightly baffled at his query. Placing his long and slender [both descriptions basically mean the same thing - just pick one of them (: ] hand on his chin he pondered his question. “You do not understand why?”

He [again, who's he?] started to giggle, which lead to full out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. This one’s heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes this one both feels pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before this one.”

The man than stomped his foot onto the injured man’s back. He whaled like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother. “This one grows weary of your sinful existence. So if it is knowledge you wish to know before seeing the golden gates to be judged, then very well. This one is both your judge, and your executioner. You, little lamb, have sinned against the great maker, our savior. God.”

He locked his fingers together and stretched his arms, making his back pop. “ You[comma] little lamb[comma] have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human sins. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because this one before you shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”

Ending his sentence the man jabbed the butcher knife into the backside of the man’s head. Blood squirted out of the cut and splashed against his pearl white face. Without a moment wasted he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hanker[delete gap - it's all one word]chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket. Slowly and gently he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hanker[delete gap]chief perfectly back into his chest pocket. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! This one has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbors.”
[Now that was a perfect imagery and I could just picture everything exactly, so great job (:]

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.” [Oooh, eerie ending - great job!!]

Hey there,

First off - I like the way you start your story with the quotes.

Secondly... here's the review! *cheer* (Hehe, yes; I'm mildly overenthusiastic ^^ but I'm having a good day, so bear with me while I *squee* my way through the review, 'kay? )


The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas. Good opening sentence: it immediatly catches the reader's attention. I'd advise a slight rewording though, such as: The blood splattered against the cement floor, the way a paintbrush smudges crimson red paint against a black canvas. Okay, bad example; but... try to reword the sentence to make it stronger.

Repetition:

Be careful with it; read your sentences out loud (this also allows you do find out if the sentence 'flows' well. Two birds with one stone! *squee*!) and pay extra attention to words that you use too often.

Characters:

You've written some mean maniacs of characters; well done! Nothing negative to say about the characters, really; they're good enough to be worth a positive mention ^^ 'cause the crazy guy was pretty damn crazy.

Also, you write good dialogue. I like it.

Spelling:

Unfortunately the English language has too many words that are far too alike when you say them, but when you write them a single letter (or several of them) can change the meaning entirely. Examples:

He whaled like a newborn infant. Whale = the animal. Wail = what a baby does. ^^

took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket. [s]hanker chief[/s] handkerchief. Also, the "black formal jacket chest pocket" is too much of a word cluster of telling.


I love the last sentence; it's super creepy. Well done. The piece was well-written, I think... just take care of the abovementioned things and then it's great.

PM me for anything!

XxxDo

Ps. *squee!* xD

Thanks! I will try my best. Besides if it has nothing to do with ANYTHING I will just change it.

Sure, just Make sure it's relevent to teh story, and then it'll be fine!

it's ok ^_^ I am just not too sure what famous quote to use. Is it ok if I add one in and you can tell me what you think of it?

You did slant the words! you might just want to have it as a famous quote or something, from another book... or a famous saying. I've read books like that, and it works alright. I just seems off to have a little saying like that with nothing directly after it, you know what I mean?

EDIT: Oh, sorry about that... You aren't going to have it in the actual book, right? I was thinking that it was a little saying that fits in with the chapter, what you have is more of a preface-ish sort of thing!

Thanks for the review! I will edit this, however I have a question.


In which we meet two men,

the shepherd

and the lamb.


Hmm, not too sure about this. You should put it in quotation marks and have it as a reference, and then have one at the beginning of each chapter.

I tried to slant the words and put some space between the phrase and the main part, but nothing happened. what does that mean?

Here's the review you asked for!

In which we meet two men,

the shepherd

and the lamb.

The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas.

The organs included his intestates, gallbladder, spleen and liver.

The other one was standing besides the man. He was holding a red colored butcher knife. The man lying on the floor was trembling with fear. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.

Asxz wrote:Shaking in the other mans hand was a butchers knife, glinting in the weak basement glow it pierced his eyes, but he didn't notice. The thought of his impending doom caused the former to stutter.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult [COMMA HERE] especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him[s]self[/s].

He was no doubly going to sleep [COMMA HERE] and never open his eyes.

Asxz wrote:This is what it feels like, he thought to himself, still petrified at the concept that his eyes would never open again. No butterflies or reminiscing in the good old days, just lying on the floor in a pool of your own blood. How pathetic!

“My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its [own] troubled mind.

Ending his sentence the man jabbed the butcher knife into the backside of the man’s head. Blood squirted out of the cute and splashed against his pearl white face.

“Oh, it is past noon! This one has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbors.”

HURRAY! I am glad you liked it Zakku! I somehow randomly got an idea for a story. A girl who lives next to a murderer. *W00T*

I will definitely describe the organs better! Also, tehehe... this will be much more than just a horror story. Much more. Well the next chapter you meet our beloved (and diluted) heroin!

Bravo Bravo, This is a really good start to a story. The way you describe the movement and emotions of the characters was really good, I had no problem visualizing what was going on. Also, good use of adjectives.
I only have a few suggestions to make it better:

one of which was lying on the floor with his organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood.