WARNING! Some of this may contain graphic or obscure things that may not be suitable for children.
Prologue
"In which we meet two men, the shepherd and a lamb."
“Murder is not the crime of criminals, but that of law-abiding citizens.”
-Emmanuel Teney
The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas. Two men were in the small basement. The one lying on the floor was a Mr. Steven Miller. He was on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood. They were all still connected to him. The other one was standing besides the man. Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp. Steven began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.
“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.
He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to Steven. However, the man was actually far from looking like a demon. He was dressed in finely garmented, and expensive clothing. Someone would have expected him to come from an elegant party of a rich noble family. “There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. Jack shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.” His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been sweet as candy.
The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor. He tried to crawl away, but he knew the truth. Steven was no doubly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man. Slowly he looked over at the inhuman creature positioned besides him. “W-why?”
The elegantly dressed man stared at him, slightly baffled at his query. Placing his long and slender hand on his chin he pondered his question. “You do not understand why?”
He started to giggle, which lead to full out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. Jack's heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes Jack feel both pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before Jack.”
The man than stomped his foot onto Steven's back. He wailed like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother. “Jack grows weary of your sinful existence. So if it is knowledge you wish to know before seeing the golden gates to be judged, then very well. This one is both your judge, and your executioner. You, little lamb, have sinned against the great maker, our savior. God.”
He locked his fingers together and stretched his arms, making his back pop. “ You little lamb have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human sins. You have done whatever you can to make the devil's paper. You have lied, raped the innocent for your amusement, and you have forgotten God. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because Jack shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”
Ending his sentence the man began to repeatedly jab the knife into Steven's back, till he stopped squirming. Blood squirted out of the cuts and splashed against his pearl white face. Without a moment waste he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket. Slowly and gently he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hanker chief perfectly back into his chest pocket. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! Jack has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbor.”
He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”
*How was that! I hope I made the crazy man talk really fancy!*
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
MA! I HATE YOU!! For two simple reasons:
Nice Job, I'm about to read chapter 1.
1. You are such a better horror writer than me, gosh I'm like a dollar store and your a Walmart. Gosh. Gosh. Who the heck is Gosh anyway?!
2. This has like 30 reviews when my stories jump with glee when they get 1.
Anywho on to the review:
I really liked this. I think that the murder wasn't overboard like some some writers but it wasn't like, Then he stabbed him and the guy died, which in my opinion is dreadfully boring. I liked the description of the little girl living next to the pyschopath. I really like the shepard and lamb thing you have going on, possibly he has a cult-like religious obsession with those who sin? I'm not sure but I like this. Maybe describe him a bit more, like the way his eyes glinted as he struck the knife through the rapists mutilated back or something
~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity
All those others have gotten the nitpicks, so I'm just here to talk about your maniac.
I - love - maniacs.
I love making them do ridiculous things, I love making them... lovable, in a way. Not like, Oh, look, Jerry's digging up dead bodies so he can axe them into little pieces! Isn't that adorable? but more, well... how could I say this...
I know! Here's what I do. I take a character, say, a psychopath vampire. He seems polite at first, he's reasonably attractive, and somewhat clever. You grow to like him because of his obliviousness (let's say he once offered to take his shirt off for the MC - a girl - to prove his heart really didn't beat), his childish vanity, his silly jokes. And then he's out hunting and the MC follows him, and discovers him drinking some poor girl's blood in the backstage of a deserted theatre. He stands up and tosses her body aside, and when he sees the MC, he doesn't freak out, but smiles at her horror as though he didn't just kill someone rather violently.
Or,
Make him seem really nice, and then just when the MC starts to like him, have the silly vamp turn weird and beat the crap out of her for not washing his favorite bowl right. And then act the next day like he never harmed a hair of her head. He's eccentric, he's funny, he's disgusting, but he's never obvious about it, and for heaven sakes, he doesn't have a dumb motto or an evil MUHHAHAHAH laugh.
I apologize if I'm not making any sense, but I have a thing for subtly horrible people. That's why you're maniac annoyed me, he wasn't really subtle at all.
Really? You sound like you're striving for a detached sort of well-spoken-ness, and you end up with a robot who doesn't know his grammar very well. If you meant him to sound like a 'bot with bad grammar, 's cool, but if you didn't, fix it up, if y'can.
But back to my main point. Your MC I excuse his blandness, for this's the preface and no character should be expected to develop clearly so soon. But I can't forgive your maniac. I adore maniacs, psychopaths, sociopaths, whatever, and I want this one to be just as good as he can be. So please, try to make him more subtle, a little more... horrible. Because he's really flat and predictable right now, and the one thing I hope maniacs will never be is predictable.
That's pretty much it. Like others have said, I'd also like a little less obvious blood 'n' gore, don't you know. Make it more real by making it more subtle. And good luck, cheri! ^_^
-SELA
You made a few silly mistakes thta you could of fixed with easy proffreading, but over all I loved it!
.Amazing description in the very beginning. It draws the reader in curiously and mysteriously.
I will use this sentence as an example. you use alot of un-needed words. The word a can be taken out. Your wordy usaage sometimes makes it difficult to read this piece.
Once again awesome description!
Use whimpering instead, it flows better that way
Instead of using and between cold and hard just use a comma.
Replace and with a comma
Smilies such as these are great to use in a story such as this, and I have seen a few through this short passage. Great job
So realisitic. Almost makes me feel like im going to get sick. Your descriptive usage is fantastic!
Without a [u]moment[/u] [s]waste[/s] he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket.Im sure this isj ust a typing error but you need wasted not waste. But now that I look at it again maybe you meant not a moments waste. Then you just need an s on moment.
I love the fact that you make it seem as though hewas just doing a hobby. Just another days activity and he enjoyed it for a while too long so now he would be late to do business.
You make this seem like he has said thisjust normally. Fantastic, Im glad he seems like such a psycho.
Overall: Awesome job! It kept me, as a reader, interested and wanting to know more. your characters are played out thoroughly and complete with amazing emotions. I hope this review was helpful even though it seems as though you've had plenty before this one.
I'm sorry it took me so long to get this done
Okay.. here is MY review. A little late-sorry! But I'm a future fan, so that's okay, right? Because I really, really like it.
Good enough, although I noticed quite a few spelling errors. Also, the pacing seemed off at times. When you start out, it seems to be from Steven's point of view, and we are clearly shown his thoughts and fear. Then, after all the pseudo-religious ranting from Jack (I did like how he referred to himself in the third person), Steven is murdered rather quickly and blandly. I was expecting Steven's frantic, agonized final thoughts on his own death. It was like you just randomly switched POV in the middle of the chapter.
This being a prologue, there's not a lot to talk about yet, of course. I would make it longer though, and add in a few more details about who this Steven guy is. It would be much more interesting if we were given a reason to care about Steven before his agonizing death. Unless of course you want to tell that later in flashback, but I would recommend doing it here. Keep at it.
Hello, Maki-Chan! I’m super sorry that it took me so long to respond to your request for a review on my ‘Will Review for Food’ thread. I kind of been neglecting it, so I apologize
This is some pretty grotesque things you are writing about and I feel like you are being to blunt about them…
For the actual sentence structure above, I think you should combine these two sentences together to help the flow.
You forgot a period after “man”
The man lying on the floor began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.
First, it either should be: He tried to whimper or He tried whimpering.
Next, ‘chocking’ is spelt ‘choking’.
‘God’ should be capitalized.
I’m really confused by this sentence. What do you mean by ‘no doubly’? I’m pretty sure there is a spelling error here and I’m guessing that you mean ‘now’ instead of ‘no’. If not, I suggest a rewrite of this sentence because I’m not sure of what it means.
~ ~ ~ ~
Wow, that was really… intense. I’m not really into the really gory horror stuff but I do think that you should develop your madman more. He seems like every other crazy guy. However, I do give you props for giving him an obsession with religion. That was a twist I wasn’t expecting
Anyway, I can’t really comment any further than that. It was only the prologue but I do think it was well written. Just develop your characters and plot more and you’ll be fine.
Good luck!
WOW
So sorry this took so long, I've been really, really busy.
I think you have a good idea here, but I found one main problem throughout the story which really got on my nerves. That was your use of adjectives. At times you used so many it bored me to death, I knew what you meant and just wanted you to get on with it, and at others I felt like I wanted more description, or that you didn't understand what the words you were using meant. Other than that the rest of my review is a bunch of nit picks. I posted it in word format because I hate transferring all of the red over to the site.
I hope that this review helps you out, and that you do continue with this story. I look forward to seeing where the girl you mentioned comes into all of this.
thanks! and hopefully If I can get off my fat lazy behind I will update and edit stuff! v_v
omg, i absolutley love it. stories liike these inspire me so much.
omg, i absolutley love it. stories liike these inspire me so much.
Hi, I'm back, so I may end up accidentally repeating some of what I've already said, for which I am sorry. Anyway, let's see:
I like the style. It's original. Just be careful not to go over the top with your style as your style is a bit too much telling and not enough showing. Be careful and you should be fine.
characters
I like the sophisticated murderer. It gives him an edge. Perhaps he signifies something? Perhaps criticizing how society depicts people as something they're not? Or maybe something else, or maybe he doesn't signify anything.
c'est la vie
In parts this story doesn't appear too realistic. How can a man be alive if his organs are half pulled out? In this case, his body wouldn't function and he would die. He'd have been dead for a long time.
Be careful
You have to be careful in this type of piece. Very careful. You're writing a novel (or short story) in which one of the main characters is a murderer. To do this you're going to have to get into the mind of a murderer, which will be hard for those that are not murderers. For instance, you need to keep in mind a variety of social and cultural ideas as well as theories and plans. So let's take social first shall we:
*social - How would society treat a murderer? Well, most well brought up humans are of the belief that we should not kill another. Why? It is morally wrong, inhuman, and are not we, as individuals as valued as others? Society is going to punish murderers, resulting in jail. Now, society don't know your character is a murderer but you need to be very careful. Wouldn't some people have slight concerns? Wouldn't they perhaps wonder why some people go into his house and don't come out, or perhaps why he spends so much time in his house. Imagine you lived next door to a murderer. What do you suspect are the tell tale signs? How would you realise and what would you do about it? You must take into account all of these factors, otherwise your story will feel the impact. Just remember, the more you think about your story, the more realistic it will appear.
*cultural - Everyone has beliefs. Even murderers. Perhaps the murderer needs to take into account his own beliefs. This is something that can really help your story. Perhaps you could use cultural beliefs to make him doubt himself, which will then make us empathise with him.
* theories and plans - How does he plan to kill these people? Especially in stories which have murder scenes monologues would be a great help. Have him come up with plans, doubt them and then rethink them. Ponder the possibilities and dismiss the ones that he doesn't believe.
Keep in mind these three things and your story should improve a lot realistic wise.
I think that's basically everything for just now. I might come back later and add to it, sorry if it's not very good, I'm extremely tired and it is rather late.
~Kirsten
hi
wow that was a great story i love the way the murderer sounded so posh. it was really creepy
(in as good way). the murderer in most story is a deranged lunatic with no life. but I'm
starting to think that this murderer might even have a wife and kids! also a few grammar
problems but great prologue looking forward to finishing reading this story.
bye
Show don't tell!
Right, you've been told this already, but the thing that you need to improve upon is showing. You do too much telling and not enough showing. Put these ideas into events. It's fair enough saying:
"Lucy likes to eat oranges" but instead show us this in action. Show us a situation where Lucy eats the oranges. Make the characters more real by proving that what you claim of them is real. Basically, if you fix this problem the rest of the problems should fall into place and fix themselves, if you get what I mean.
Upon what lies the foundations of our fantasies?
Plots. Probably the most influencial thing upon our writing. Your plot is good. I like the idea of a girl living next to a murderer, and if you go about it in the correct way, it'll be great. Your writing is partly idiosyncratic, I say partly because it is almost original, yet your use of adjectives makes it worse. The matter of adjectives I hope to discuss later
Style
I like yours. The language
I'm going out just now with my mum, but remind me later and I'll get back to do the rest of this review. In case you were wondering, I have a lot of positive things to say that I've not said yet
So remember to bug me later x
There are some things that I do agree with angel. I need to make this much better, like you said 'quality over quantity" and I agree. I am glad that you told what you thought, and it'll help a lot. I am trying my best to re-write this, including chapter one. wish me luck ^_^
Thanks for the review!
I have to agree with Evi, Nutty-Senpai, and everyone else about this. Nutty was right and dead on about the first sentence. It makes the readers think your story is only about quantity, not quality. I definitely did no see any quality going on in that first sentence, and I really don't want to read more, but I'll give it another chance. Remember not to sound too elaborate. Remember it's not about saying something small in a lot of words, it's about saying something big in a few words. That's writing. Putting so much into a few words. Be brief, blunt. Only use what's necessary to create the world your characters are in.
Okay, I moved on to the second paragraph, and I'm afraid I'll have to sum up your review to this:
Show, don't tell. What are "terrified eyes" anyway? Animate the picture rather than expect us to know what terrified anything looks like! You use way too many adjectives. Your sentences are either too direct and just tell the reader, or it's just too packed full of adjectives. With all those huge words, I could not focus on your story, which might be pretty good if readers weren't so distracted by the surplus amount of adjectives.
Don't take this as a negative, Maki. Take this as a way to learn from your mistakes. You just may have a good idea here, but you need to refine what you say before you show this to us to read for the real plot of your story. A lot of reviewers on YWS will review anything to be helpful, but I only completely read pieces that I think have potential, I am interested in, or somehow follow the rules of writing and just needs a better way to express ideas. So get in you Zone, Maki! Don't look up all those words just because you think it makes you sound more interesting.
Keep writing, and I'm sure you'll improve
Okay, you have a lot of describing words. You've described almost every object. Cement floor. Crimson red paint. Blank canvas.
In one sentence, especially the first sentence, this is, in my opinion, a little much. You can describe it all, but I would suggest you let it run into a few sentences. Also, paintbrushes don't splatter paint, unless you do that flicky thing with your fingernail, and then it wouldn't smudge. So I can't tell what it's supposed to look like.
Did you have the scene in your head as you wrote? I find that doing that, your descriptions turn out more effective then if you just think of it in words.
You're repeating yourself. Try to avoid this, unless you're doing it for impact, and then be sure that it is adding to the scene, not subtracting from it. Omit 'he was on the floor with' and shove 'were' after 'organs'.
Uh, what? If this is here to show he is still alive, I think you should do that more clearly. When I first read it I was thinking "Why do I need to know a detail like this?" It subtracted from the tension you are seeking.
Please proof read your story. The problem here is rather obvious.
Hrmm, this is rather...clumsy, I think.
For starters, take away the 'in fact'. It has that horrible 'Nursery Rhyme' narration feel to it.
The however part, take away 'the man was far from looking like a demon', just describe him. This little part is unnecessary, and somewhat confusing the first time I read this section. It overcomplicates your description.
This is kind of an anticlimax. It's pure tell, and has little impact. It's just an action, even if it is a shocking one. Try describing it.
Jack talked fancy, yes, but anyone would be like 0.o why are you speaking about yourself in third person? Just a thought.
As it is, I think this could do with a little refining, and a little more work on your descriptions. Remember, you may be writing down words, but what you are really aiming for is an image in your reader's head. So visualize your scenes, actions, characters, even dialogue, and write as you see/hear/smell/feel/taste them. Try to look past the words on the page.
Good work, however. It has an interesting concept.
-Nutty
I have posted more!
topic44230.html
AW! *head explodes* I am sick for three days and this is what happens! So many reviews v_v I am happy, but a little bit overwhelmed. I will give a general read over everything and edit some key stuff that was mentioned!
Like the confusion of who is who. I will give the victim a name! *Gasp*
The next thing I will do is clean up the killing part. Instead of jabbing the butcher knife into his head *I am not sure if it even works* I will either just slice his throat or just stab and stab like it's the end of the world.
The next chapter is almost finished! I hope everyone will like it ^_^
I'm sorry that this review comes so late. >_< Life kind of caught up to me. Anyways, I see you have MANY other reviews, so I apologize if I repeat something that's already been mentioned, but I'm not going to look at the other reviews, just your work. ^_^
Alright. I like these fancy ways of starting off sections, right? I mean, I think they're cute and sometimes useful, but I think you overload us with TWO different little previews. I'd recommend taking out the quote. First of all, think about it. It's your writing, right? I'm sure that, through your writing, you should be able to portray the message of the quote without needing the quote. Secondly, if 'in which we meet two men...' is describing the prologue, you might want to show it like this:
Prologue
In which we meet two men: the shepherd and the lamb.
Or something like that. ^_^
Hmm, after reading through it, these two lines seem out of character for the murderer-person. I mean, wasn't he talking about saving the 'lamb', reuniting it with his 'savior'? You should probably choose one opinion for the murderer-guy to hold. ^_^ Also, I don't know if you'd really want him to come out and say he's a murderer. It seems like he obviously thinks he's doing something beneficial and not murdering for the sake of murdering, right? ^_^
I'm not going to point out nit-picks today, because I'm sure other critiques have done that AND I believe that is your responsibility as the writer to go through and catch. -nod- Well, that has become my opinion lately. xD ~
Anyways, the only other thing that bothered me was the murderer's use of 'this one' to refer to himself. I feel like I've seen it done before which leaves me rather dissatisfied with this story. =P I mean, it might be something you're super attached to, in which case you should keep it, but otherwise I think it just makes the dialogue even more confusing. Sure, you want the murderer to sound impressive, but he can't sound impressive without making sense. ^_^
As for the plot overall, it's creepy and intriguing, but I'd like to see where you take it.
Good work. C:
Sorry this took sort of a while, I've been really busy lately, but I finally found some time.
Good imagery in the first paragraph, but I think "glinting" should be lower case.Did you mean "tried to whimper"? And the "h" in he should be lower case, and I would rephrase that sentence. It feels too wordy. Maybe say something like "he tried to whimper, which was difficult since he was choking on his own blood." Or something like that.
I think "God" needs to be capitalized, and I like the sentence after. I would suggest making that a new paragraph, though.
Not to be nit picky, but I would take out the and. I think it reads easier, but that's really your choice there.
Did you mean "doubtly"?
I love this part. It was chilling. But I think "feels" should be "feel".
This feels repetitive. I would change it to something like "If you really wish to know the reason" or something like that. But knowledge is known, we don't have to be told that.
Oh, I loved the ending sentence. Very cool.
Plot:
Interesting, with the whole psycho religious guy, and I liked the way it started like already into it. I wish the murderer had been more specific when he was talking about why he was killing the man, though. Because he was being greedy, but what had he done that was greedy? I feel like there should have been more to that. Maybe even if the man who was killing the guy had a flshback to when he saw what the other guy was doing wrong.
There are a lot of questions left up in the air. That might be your intention, and I'm not sure if you were considering going on with this to answer some of them. Like, how did the guy get the other man down into his basement? Why that guy? Is he always talking that creepy, and if so, do people notice? Why does he have to go meet neighbors? Did he just move into a new house? Why did he move? Things like that. I'm very curious.
Characters:
Again, I'd like to know more of why the guy dying was such a sinner. I sort of feel like the guy who was killing the other one should have a background, like figure out why he feels like its his job to kill sinners. Why doesn't he just try to convert them? Was he always like this? Right now, he sort of feels like a paper cut out. Try to develope his personality better.
Overall:
Very good idea, it's origional and creepy. Haha. You did it very well, though. Good job! -thumbs up-
Hey! Sorry it took me so long to get to this. Um, also, I'm lazy and not reading the above reviews, so forgive me if I repeat anything.
Ooh, good job. I can't wait for this to continue.
[b]Disclaimer. I did a lot of rewording. Like, a lot. Those are all my suggestions - except the grammar, that does need to be changed - so don't be offended/sad, because a lot of it is subjective. But I do think it would help you to read back over this a few times and really say the words out loud and see how they sound. It always helps me, at least, and that way it will run more smoothly and you'll get a better idea of the tone.
Pronouns. Um, so there were a lot of pronouns in this. In fact, we know no names - not the victim or the madman. And I do like keeping the madman a mystery, and then, of course, introducing him later on. However, the pronouns are REALLY confusing and it distracts from the story when the reader has to keep going, wait, which one is this again? You could introduce us to the victim - Poor Frank was collecting his newspaper when suddenly... Or just tell us his name, or whatever. Or, if you really don't want to give up any names, I suggest changing the gender of the victim, so that we'll automatically know that the he is the madman and the she is the vic.
Emotions. I didn't get scared reading this. I should have, considering what was happening, but I didn't, because you never gave us enough of an peek into the victim's head. If I were lying in some crazy guy's basement with my organs spilling out, I'd be paralyzed with fear and pain, praying to God, screaming, whatever. And this victim is like, oh, look, my blood is on the walls. Hey, the crazy dude's clothes are really nice. You know? And it's just really hard to take the scene seriously when the character doesn't. So I think you should let us know more of what's going on in Frank (or whoever's) head.
Dialogue. I liked it, nice job.
Right, that's finished. This has so much potential for an ongoing story, I really hope you'll continue. It just needs some revision, some more thought, and then it will be really really excellent. And creepy! With a subject like this, it has to be really creepy.
Hope this helps, and good luck!
-Mars
hey
that was an amazing story i loved the way you write its alot better then most of the things on hear. what i liked the most was the first sentnce but i think that you need to edit the story so that the man gives a more.. whats the word? more of a motive you need to strech the story out more a bit the murder needs more of a motive well thats it thanks for posting
with the best of Luck
Logan
Here's my review, just as requested
Sorry it's coming a little late ...
Overall, this was very interesting, although a little too bloody for my well-being
I thought it was awesome how you depicted Bad Guy as a totally out-of-his-mind religious fanatic who sees himself as something like God's messenger to carry out the retribution.
Especially the last part was ... weird in a great kind of way, because seriously, how can someone slay someone else and then be like "OMG, I forgot I had an appointment" and flutter upstairs?
Okay, back to topic. It doesn't always become clear who exactly you mean when you say "he", except when Bad Guy (you might have noticed that I'm calling him that from now on ^^) talks.
This and some mistakes you made are the only "bad" points of this story. Before posting, make sure you do a spelling check, okay?
Good job - I really liked it!
Keep up the good work and PM me when you upload the next chapter
MySunshine
Hmmm. An exceedingly gory and blood curdling read, which is some thing in the description of me. I liked it. It had varying sentance leangths, and was very descriptive. Could have been more descriptive and clear on who is who. if you gave one of the men a name, like 'it had seemed like a perfectly normal day for Joe Jackson. Until this strange man had managed to get a hold of him.' or some thing like that. it had metaphores and similies, and if it was out, and was all as gory as this, i would buy it. Well done!!
-Arekkusu
Okay, so I don't have too much to add to what has already been said. I'd like to suggest you do spell check everything before you post it, because most of the things I noticed was misspelled words or words that were misused (Ex. there when one means to use their). Reread through everything at least twice before you submit it and I think you will catch these mistakes. I think the story is extremely descriptive and I like your plotline. It is very intruiging. Here are just a few corrections:
Someone else had mentioned only using a famous quote, and I think the one by Emmanuel Teney was very relevant to your story, but it is confusing with your meeting of the shepherd and the lamb. If you are going to preface your chapter with a quote you should only do one or the other. Not both, otherwise it is too much.
First off, you use too much blood in this sentence. I know it is a murder scene, but instead of having his organs spread across his blood, why don't you have them spread across his torso, or the basement floor even. Second, the way you wrote that his organs were still connected to him just feels too telling. Have them oozing out between flaps of torn muscles in the abdomen. Finally, and I know this sounds twisted but I want more from this scene. You say he smells putrid, but what does that smell like? Describe the scent of blood, of excretement because I'd probably crap/piss myself at this point, describe the sticky blood congealing around his wounds. I want you to use all five senses.
Dude, this guy is dying, there is no escaping this fact. I want this guy sobbing not whimpering. Puppies whimper when they are scolded for peeing on the new carpet. This guy is thinking about his wife, his kids, regrets, things he wished he had done and hadn't done, he should be crying his stinking eyeballs out. Plus, hello, I don't think having my organs everywhere would exactly tickle. Chocking should be choking.
You use the word existence a lot in this story. I don't like redundancies, its a pet peeve. Theasaurus is our friend, use it, A LOT!!!
This is great. Our killer is crazy, he thinks he is serving God by killing the sinful, which means he in turn should kill himself, but that is besides the point. I'm not really sure where you are going with this killer, but my personal opinion is that you should have him kill a sexual offender, someone who has molested a child. Because within us all, there are certain people who commit crimes and we can't help but hate them. In this way, your reader at one point would hate your killer and then the next point, think he might not be so bad, but then they go back to hating him again. Play with your readers inner most emotions, when you can influence your audience like that, that is true talent.
I'm not quite sure this is realistic, can a butcher knife really pierce through someone's skull? Is a butcher knife sharp enough to go through bone? Perhaps you should have him slice his throat. I feel like your killer is more of a visual killer anyways. He wants to see the look on his victim's face when he kills them. He wants to see the blood spurting out of his victim's arteries. Oh and don't refer to them as victims, perhaps sacrifices is a better word. The only other thing I'd like to add, is that I'd like to get into the "lamb's" head a little more before he dies. I want to see what he is thinking when he is on the edge of death. I think you should do this with all of the "lambs" because this connects your reader to the victim and makes them feel sorry that they are being slaughtered, otherwise it just feels like we are reading a story. Make them real so people are scared at night and wonder if that could really happen, maybe it could even happen to them. Other than that it was BRILLIANT!!
Sorry for the long wait, Maki-chan!
Review part two:
Well, we already know he's dying.
Use description instead. Is he gasping for breath? Is his heart beating out the rest of his blood? Description is key in horror.
Did you mean "no doubtly"?
Change "which" to who.
Remove the s in feels. It should be feel.
Great maker = God
Savior = Jesus
^_^
Overall
The end was very confusing.
You need to use more personal pronouns (names). Since there are two males in this passage, use names. "The victim" or "The murderer" instead of "he, his, he..."
Using "he, his, his, he, him" over and over gets confusing. You forget who was doing the original action.
The using of the word "one" instead of "you" is also very strange. A lot of your grammar gets screwed up because of it.
Hmm... the use of "one" could be good if you made the man even more insane... Have him actually call out to God. As though he is talking to him.
All in all this was good. You just need to make a few changes.
Hey, here as requested
Well you already have an awful lot of reviews so there is probably not much point in me being here, as everyone has probably told you what is wrong with this piece. However you asked me to review and review I shall but it'll probably short
Personally horror is not my thing, I don't like horror movies or horror books lol but I'll try my best.
It really reminded me of Saw. I know I said I don't like horror films but my boyfriend does and has made me watch Saw. The fact that the murderer kept talking about how the victim had sinned and stuff like that, just reminded me of Saw a lot.
The repetition of man in the beginning really grated on me. It was like this man did this then that man did that, and it just continued on like that. I know it is difficult because you are obviously trying not to give either one a name and be mysterious but it just really annoyed me. It was also quite confusing for me, I had to keep re-reading to figure out which man you were talking about. Perhaps you could call the man on the floor the victim or describe the murderer sooner.
The murderers dialogue also got on my nerves a bit a bit too long and complicated and I didn't like the whole 'this one' that he keeps calling himself. Perhaps you can try and change that up a bit like how other reviewers have suggested.
I didn't like the ending as well. It was like you had described the part you wanted to describe and then just gave up. Perhaps you can have him consider the victim for a moment or two longer. Perhaps he has a certain ritual after he has murdered that gets interrupted by the new neighbours moving in van or something like. Just something so it doesn't immediately cut off after all this in depth description.
I did like the description though, very gory lol and it fits the piece well. You have a nice style also and I think with a few little changes this could turn into a very good opening for a story
If you have any questions feel free to PM.
Bex x
Hellooooooo Maki-chan!! I really like your story. Although it reminds me of a bloody version of Edgar Allen Poe's 'A tell tale heart' with a bit more religion involved. Anywho, let's get this review started!! Now I didn't read the other reviews, (I guess I was too lazy to scroll down and read them all!) so there might be some things that have been already said. So if it sounds familar, blame it on me! Ha ha, just kidding of course! Now, prepare yourself for a very harsh critique! Bwa ha ha ha!
Is this supposed to be like a little preview to what's going to happen? Or is it just a little quote you heard somewhere.
Oh, and I liked the Emmanuel Teney quote. Very nice.
I'd like to draw your attention to the first paragraph.
I really like how you start this out. But I think it would be better to say "Blood spattered against the cement floor in a similar way a paintbrush smudges against a blank canvas." It might spice things up a bit. Or if you keep it the same way, make sure to add a comma after floor, otherwise you'll have a run on sentence and we certainly don't want that!
I like the imagery you use to show the two men in the basement. The organ part is quite interesting. It has a lot of detail but is it necessary for you to say that they are still connected to the man? I understand if it is of course.
I didn't really understand this part Are you talking about the other man? You might want to reword it so people can understand it a little better. Also, you should probably use a lowercase g and put a comma after man.
Wouldn't the man be shaking anyway. You know, he's on the verge of death. So he shouldn't start being afraid of seeing the knife when he's already dying. And I would think that the wounded man would be gasping for breath instead of stuttering. Because when you have most of your organs ripped out and and about to die, you're trying to keep breathing, not using up your breath with stutters. At least, that's what I think.
Ha ha, the man is chocking on his on blood. I think you mean choking An simple mistake though.
What the hell is going on here? The dying man is looking at the murderer, but is it a changeling or something? I really didn't understand this. I mean, I know who you're talking about, but I don't get what you mean. You might want to go over this and just see how it flows.
I really like how you describe the murderer though. It really tells the difference between the victim and the murderer.
Okay, once again confusing.
I belive here you mean wailed. Just make sure you check your spelling.
Once again, check your spelling. Handkerchief is spelled like so. Spelling is vital to writing a good story.
Overall I thought your story was very good. You did an excellent job on it. Just make sure you knock out all the kinks. Sorry if I sounded harsh, but there were some things that just needed to be fixed. Don't worry though, I've given worse. I can't wait to see the next part in your story. PM me when you post the next part or if you need any help. I really like this and I think you are a brillian writer. Bravo!
Lucy Pennykettle
Dear, you posted in at least nineteen different 'Will Review for Food' threads. Although I'm not sure if there's a concrete rule for this, it slightly irritates me and I'm sure not everyone will be too keen to review your piece after realizing this.
But, I'm a girl of my word, so I'll give a quick overview.
You should proof-read before posting. This has both a grammar and a spelling mistake, which makes us think you don't care enough about your work to even read it a second time.
Should be: He tried whimpering, but found it quite difficult since he was choking on his own blood.
Makes no sense. Unless I'm reading it wrong?
Not sure if the dying man's organs should be partially out of his body. . I'm pretty sure he'd be dead by then, and at least unconscious. Maybe he is drowning in his own blood, sure, but organs? He'd be long dead.
Other than that, your description is done well. I can imagine the crazy murderer in his prim and proper suit, weilding his knife. It's a nice touch that he thinks he's doing this for God. I think you could elaborate a bit more on his movements; does he twitch as the knife glistens in his hand? Dies he blink a lot? Is there the look of a maniac glinting in his eyes, or is the beat of his heart exactly in time to the victim's favorite song? How is he saying these things? With menace? As if he's doing the victim a favor? These are little things that a dying person could notice. It would make us sympathize more with this poor guy, methinks.
What bugs me the most is how the murdere keeps saying 'this one'. I understand that it's a choice you made to try and characterize him more as being eccentric and out-there, but there are other titles one could come up with the call themselves if one happened to be a mass murderer.
Anyhoo, the killer's dialogue seems very forced. All the repition is good, how he keeps muttering 'little lamb', but a lunatic would hardly be in a state of mine to utter these long, flowing phrases you have coming from him. I can imagine a jolly laugh as he stands with his knife, or even absentmindedly whistling a random tune. But this fancy talk (I know that was what you were going for, so I suppose you did it right) just doesn't seem the most plausible. Ya?
It's very nice, methinks, although I'd like to see you add more of what either character is thinking; right now it's as if we're witnessing this on the other side of a sheet of glass. We can't fully connect with what's going on, because we're not sure how your characters are feeling. Bad, of course. Someone dying would certainly be in pain.
I do not think it would be wise to make this terribly gory. One can only stand so many organs spilling over the floor, and you'll have to tread carefully as you consider how you're going to excecute this manic psycho killer; you don't want us to nurse a deep hatred for him that we'll never get over. It would be to your benefit to give this murderer some redeeming qualities, or even a great personality. I'd love to have my heart and mind torn in two whether to hate or love this lunatic.
I'll be interested in where this goes. But next time, try to not ask nineteen people for reviews. Then, they tend to lose their meaning. Understand?
~Evi
Hey, Maki-chan!
Here as requested. I guess you liked my review of your Silent Hill fan fic, huh?
Onto the review...
I'm a bit confused as to why this is in quotes. No one is using it as dialogue. If it is simply meant to be a description for the prologue, I would put it in italics. That is generally how you write summaries/subheadings.
Excellent first sentence.
You forgot to add a period before Glinting.
This seems odd to me, because I know he must have been mutilated by some sort of weapon before this -- why should he be surprised by a butcher knife?
I feel like he should be begging for death and already shaking in the first place.
The part a bolded made no sense.
First of all, de-capitalize the "he".
Try rewording it as, "he tried to whimper,"
The choking on blood part made it seem like you were trying to hard to make the story graphic.
Make the violence flow with the sentence...
What I mean is, right now, it feels like you are adding violence just for kicks.
To me this sentence reads like, "He tried whimpering but OMG GUESS WHAT! HE'S CHOKING ON BLOOD! ISN'T THAT SCARY AND GRAPHIC???"
It seems like you trying too hard to gross me out. Whereas a sentence such as, "The mans whimpering gurgled in his throat, and he spat out a globule of blood. His chest heaved as his own lifeblood drowned him."
I personally think mine flows better. The violence has become a part of the basic story instead of added awkwardly.
Does that make any sense?
Take this out. I realize the dying man isn't a fan of his murderer. ^_^
This sentence makes no sense because you have two verbs -- dressed and garmented. Choose one.
"He was dressed in fine garments." makes the most sense.
I would also remove to expensive clothing -- fine garments and expensive clothing are basically the same thing.
Wasn't.
Beside him. Besides is an entirely different word.
Maki -- I have to go now, so I am going to post this review in two parts, okay?
Sorry!
I will review the rest later.
--Sakura
Hey Maki! Thanks for added this to my "Will Review" thread! I am more than happy to review! And to apologize before hand, I didn't read the comments above, so I may be repeating a few things here and there. Anywhoo, moving on:
I have a few nitpicks here. Where you say "smudging" makes no sense. You first begin by saying it was splattered, now you're saying it's been smudged. Those are two entirely different things. You may want to say "like a crimson red paint against a black canvas". Which brings me to another thing; You've said "against" twice in this sentence. When you read it out loud, it sounds weird. So perhaps find another word to describe it?
No need for 'glinting' to be capitalized, dear.
'He tried to whimper'. I also thing that there should be a semicolon after "difficult", to bring more flow into the sentence. But you don't have to listen to the old lady behind the green curtain.
Doubt, I think you mean.
Giggle seems a bit too... girlish in this case. I might suggest "chuckle" in this case?
But enough of the nitpicks!
You've got a nice prologue going on here. It certainly makes you wonder just who this 'elegantly dressed man' is and why he's so obsesses with sheep.
-Holly
thanks for your guys review. I wish I could edit but at this point I can barely read. I hate having colds v_v
Here I am as you requested
, and it seems the first review since you last edited it, so I really hope this helps you out!! (:
As always, all my comments etc will be in bold and I will talk you through my review at the end =D
[?]= I've added something in that I'm not too sure about
Last Minute Views
Stuttering
I noticed this (and pointed it out) in your last piece I reviewed - you seem to like your characters to stutter a lot. Now, there's absolutely nothing wrong with using stuttered speech, it's just that if you overuse it, it just becomes meaningless, so lets say for arguments sake you have a character that is stuttering because they're really scared, but because the speech throughout has used a lot of stuttering, the overall effect is lost, so we as readers don't get the feeling that they're scared. It's a bit like the case of the boy who cried wolf - do you get my drift or am I just speaking jibberish. You must say if I am (: Anywhoo, on to the next point!!
He = who?
Now the last paragraph where the man killed the other one was amazing writing, so well done, however it was slightly ruined by the fact that I didn't know who he was!! I couldn't tell the difference between the two, which slightly lost me through reading it (and other points of the chapter), and is certainly what you don't want happening as it's such a great chapter with amazing imagery, descriptions, and writing (: . So, I was thinking of ways to help this little spot of bother out and I figured that because the man who killed the other one called him lamb, maybe you could refer to him as 'his little lamb' - what do you think?
Descriptions/Imagery
I could find absolutely nothing wrong with the descriptions and imagery of this chapter - you did an amazing job, so well done!!
Overall Comments
I thought that this was a really great chapter (and if I may say so) a lot better than the other piece I reviewed for you - I just knew you were an amazing writer, which you certainly proved here!!!
Well done on a great chapter Maki-Chan, and I really hope this review helps you out!! Also, if you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to PM me =D.
Good luck with this piece and keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx
Hey there,
)
First off - I like the way you start your story with the quotes.
Secondly... here's the review! *cheer* (Hehe, yes; I'm mildly overenthusiastic ^^ but I'm having a good day, so bear with me while I *squee* my way through the review, 'kay?
The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas. Good opening sentence: it immediatly catches the reader's attention. I'd advise a slight rewording though, such as: The blood splattered against the cement floor, the way a paintbrush smudges crimson red paint against a black canvas. Okay, bad example; but... try to reword the sentence to make it stronger.
Repetition:
Be careful with it; read your sentences out loud (this also allows you do find out if the sentence 'flows' well. Two birds with one stone! *squee*!) and pay extra attention to words that you use too often.
Characters:
You've written some mean maniacs of characters; well done! Nothing negative to say about the characters, really; they're good enough to be worth a positive mention ^^ 'cause the crazy guy was pretty damn crazy.
Also, you write good dialogue. I like it.
Spelling:
Unfortunately the English language has too many words that are far too alike when you say them, but when you write them a single letter (or several of them) can change the meaning entirely. Examples:
He whaled like a newborn infant. Whale = the animal. Wail = what a baby does. ^^
took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket. [s]hanker chief[/s] handkerchief. Also, the "black formal jacket chest pocket" is too much of a word cluster of telling.
I love the last sentence; it's super creepy. Well done. The piece was well-written, I think... just take care of the abovementioned things and then it's great.
PM me for anything!
XxxDo
Ps. *squee!* xD
Thanks! I will try my best. Besides if it has nothing to do with ANYTHING I will just change it.
Sure, just Make sure it's relevent to teh story, and then it'll be fine!
it's ok ^_^ I am just not too sure what famous quote to use. Is it ok if I add one in and you can tell me what you think of it?
You did slant the words! you might just want to have it as a famous quote or something, from another book... or a famous saying. I've read books like that, and it works alright. I just seems off to have a little saying like that with nothing directly after it, you know what I mean?
EDIT: Oh, sorry about that... You aren't going to have it in the actual book, right? I was thinking that it was a little saying that fits in with the chapter, what you have is more of a preface-ish sort of thing!
Thanks for the review! I will edit this, however I have a question.
In which we meet two men,
the shepherd
and the lamb.
Hmm, not too sure about this. You should put it in quotation marks and have it as a reference, and then have one at the beginning of each chapter.
I tried to slant the words and put some space between the phrase and the main part, but nothing happened. what does that mean?
Here's the review you asked for!
Hmm, not too sure about this. You should put it in quotation marks and have it as a reference, and then have one at the beginning of each chapter.
Nice starting sentence. A little too long for my liking, but I still think it's good!
You don't need this... It sounds a little too matter-of-fact-ish, and it pulls the reader out of the scene.
-Oh, and you spelt "intestines" wrong-
This is also a little too obvious. How about this:
Umm... Not sure what this means. You mean that he was "no doubt going to sleep, and never open his eyes." Even if you touch it up like that, it is a very weak sentence. It needs some work. how about this:
LOL... cute. You mean "cut" I presume!
I know you want the man to talk fancy, but abbreviations are really what happens now-a-days!
Any-who - Good story, i look forward to reading more! Can you please PM me when the first chapter is up?
Thanks for using my (Will review for food - Free service - )
HURRAY! I am glad you liked it Zakku! I somehow randomly got an idea for a story. A girl who lives next to a murderer. *W00T*
I will definitely describe the organs better! Also, tehehe... this will be much more than just a horror story. Much more. Well the next chapter you meet our beloved (and diluted) heroin!
Bravo Bravo, This is a really good start to a story. The way you describe the movement and emotions of the characters was really good, I had no problem visualizing what was going on. Also, good use of adjectives.
I only have a few suggestions to make it better:
Here you could describe the organs on the floor instead of just telling us there are organs on the floor,
Thats about all of the suggestions I have for You. I really like this and I can't wait to read the rest of the story. I love crazy killers in disguise