Published September 9, 2008
Chapter 1
Normal Day
A teenage girl sat alone in a booth located in the empty part of the café. She was taking quick, small sips of her coffee, in the early morning. Her mind was empty, all she thought of was the taste of the warm coffee that went down her throat with each drink. The lone brunet would have stayed silent like that all morning or even all day, till an elderly waitress stood before her.
“ Kizame would you like anything else?” The waitress asked.
The girl looked up. “No.”
Kizame had been to that café many times before, so it was to be expected that the people who worked there to know her name. Kizame pulled out a ten-dollar bill and placed it on the table, quickly leaving both the waitress, and a half full cup of coffee.
She was walking outside on a busy street of San Guan Bay, a city located on the beaches of the Pacific Ocean. It hardly seemed possible to hear anything with all of the poeple taling, but Kizame heard her cell phone ring. It vibrated in her jacket pocket, but she still ignored it. After a while who ever was trying to reach her gave up, and only after the phone lied lifeless in her pocket did Kizame pull it out.
“Kizame where are you? Did you go to the café, again? If you did stay there I’ll come by and pick you up, so call me back. You should answer the phone once and a while. See ya later… oh and by the way it's your Uncle Tom.”
The message ended. Kizame sighed, and thought. “Of course its Uncle Tom, no one else calls me anymore.”
The idea of Uncle Tom coming to the care made Kizame walk faster away from it.
Kizame was now standing in an old antique shop on the eastern edge of San Guan Bay. It was now around mid afternoon, and the sun was in the center of the clear blue sky. She had grown used to coming to the antique shop everyday. What she really liked about it was that hardly anyone came in, and that the owner never bothered with Kizame since she never bought anything; today was no different.
Kizame slowly walked through the shop, Looking at the many old objects lying on the neatly rowed shelves. She placed her pointer finger on an empty spot, and dragged it across the bare place. She examined her finger, it was very dusty. Kizame wiped the dust off her finger using her dark blue jeans. Kizame exited the aisle, and saw it- a gorgeous, huge ancient mirror. It had a red painted wooden frame that was designed to loop around a metal cord around the glass. Kizame stared at her reflection, and was ashamed. She was now a former shadow of herself. All of her energy was gone from her face, and only wrinkles under her eyes remained. Her once long silk smooth golden brown hair was now just a disgusting fading light brown. If that wasn’t bad enough her face had become so pale. Even though she lived in a beach city, where everyone was tan. She became an unnatural white color. Lastly her eyes that were once an intense hazel, filled with blue, green and even bits of red was now just a lifeless grayish brown.
She sighed, looking how thin she became from eating so little. Her favorite black and white stripped jacket that had once been tight on her, was now an annoying over-sized thing that made her feel an unbearable heat under the warm spring sun.
Kizame looked away from the pathetic creature she saw in the mirror. Immediately she walked out of the store, hearing a “Have a nice day,” behind her.
The wind blew hard against the cherry trees, making it rain a pink snow. It was now around evening, and the sun began to fall towards the horizon, and into the sea. Kizame stood over short grass, staring upon three headstones. Her eyes were filled with emptiness, as she held three violet tulips. Then she carefully walked to the empty spaces between each grave. Removing an old flower from a small thin pot halfway in the ground, and placing a new flower in them.
Once this was finished, Kizame laid herself under a cherry tree behind the three graves. It was so peaceful; no one else was in the cemetery beside herself. It was no surprise that the young girl couldn’t help but close her eyes, and just lay there resting. She had nothing better to do, so Kizame lied there allowing herself to become covered in pink flower petals.
Then she heard it the ring tone of her cell-phone, annoying her once again. Kizame sighed, and allowed to ring a few times before she pulled it from her white and black striped jacket’s pocket. She read the number.
“ Uncle Tom.”
Kizame didn’t answer it. Instead the call stopped and the phone began to vibrate. Uncle Tom had instead left a text message.
“ Kizame, dinner is almost ready so hurry up home. Ok? Today is spaghetti night, your favorite. See ya later kiddo ☺” Kizame reread the text.
Her Uncle Tom had always been a nice guy, but ever since Kizame moved in with him he became like a person who acted like he could never be angry.
“He probably just feels bad for me…” She stopped and thought for a moment. “No, it’s not true. He misses my mom, his sister just as bad as I do.”
Kizame had always been an understanding person. It was from the fact that her father always said to her. “ You should never get mad at another person. Its better to walk in their shoes for a while and see things from their point of view.”
Kizame smiled, that phrase; her father had taken it from a favorite book of his, but as he told Kizame he was only merely ‘borrowed’ it.
A moment passed and Kizame realized where she was. She was lying under a tree, in a cemetery, right next to the graves of her Father, Mother and younger brother. That was when her smile faded away, leaving an empty look on her face once again.
Kizame quickly stood back up and walked out of the cemetery; trying to get back to her Uncle’s house before it was nighttime.
“So how was your day?” A gentle male voice asked.
Kizame looked up towards it. It was her Uncle Tom. He was standing besides her, a large smile on his face. Uncle Tom was much taller compared to Kizame, who was just a simple 5’ 6”. He had the same golden brown hair that Kizame once had. His was cut into a short shag, and his bangs just barely hung down from his forehead.
Uncle Tom placed Kizame’s plate in front of her. “It has my special spaghetti sauce, an old family secret.” He told her.
She looked at him, seeing his huge smile. His teeth were pure white, and it almost blinded Kizame. She didn’t want to make her uncle sad, so she gave him a false smile back, and answered. “Cool.”
With that, Uncle Tom walked back to his chair, sat down and began to eat his spaghetti; while Kizame just looked back down at her plate, and slowly began to nibble at her food.
But as she took a bite, she dropped her fork. Uncle Tom looked at her is shock.
“Kizame are you ok?” He asked.
She just looked down and wrapped an arm around her stomach.” Yeah, my stomach just hurts a little.”
Kizame wanted that to be the end of their discussion, but her Uncle had other plans. “Kizame, your stomach has been hurting for some time. I am a little bit concerned. Do you think you have the stomach flu?”
She shook her head. “I just think I need to eat more fiber.”
“No, I think I’ll take you to the doctor tomorrow.” Uncle Tom decided.
Kizame head jolted up. “What?! I don’t want to go to the stupid doctor!”
Her Uncle sighed. “I don’t care. I might be pretty laid back on most things, but if it’s your health then what I say goes.”
Kizame stood out of her chair, staring at the ground. “I’m going to bed.”
Her Uncle didn’t argue with her, but just before she left the dining room. He told her. “You know that school is going to start in less than a week.”
Kizame stopped and gasped. She had heard him loud and clear. Now she had something horrible to look forward to, again in her awful stinking life.
She stood there for only a few seconds and then began to walk to her room again.
It was late, and the moon just barely showed in Kizame’s bedroom window through the endless batches of clouds. She was tossing and turning in her bed, a nightmare plaguing her dreams. Suddenly she sat up from her covers; while tears flooding from her fading grayish brown eyes. Kizame quickly wiped them away. Her heavy panting cut through the silence of the room. Slowly Kizame steadied her breathing, and finally relaxed- the traces of the memory of her dream fading away along with her tears.
Kizame crawled to the edge of her bed, facing towards the window. Then she sat with her legs dangling off the bed, and began to pray.
“ Dear God, its me Kizame. I have been praying to you every night since my family died in that car accident. I just hope that you can grant my prayers. Please save me. Anything I will take any miracle. I just don’t want to remain alone anymore.” Kizame stopped.
“Wow, I sound really pathetic.” She realized.
Kizame’s face flinched, from pain. Her stomach began to act up again. She had somehow become used to it, and in fact welcomed it. The pain brought something else to her life besides sadness and false hope. She sighed. “I...”
Kizame stopped, forgetting what she was going to say. After that she dug herself back into the covers on her bed and tried to sleep.
how did I do? I did my best ^_^
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,585 Reviews
Okay well- I'm here to crit. Sorry for the wait ><;
As a starting sentence this doesn't really grab my attention like it should.
Maybe try a sentence that involves more imagery- Steam curled lazily under Kizame's nose. She was sitting alone... Not the best example, but you see what I mean?
There's nothing wrong with this sentence as such, but it could be refined. I am a fan of using an economy of words-
The coffee slid down her throat, erasing all thought from her mind.
Matter of preference, maybe?
...all day, if an elderly waitress had not disturbed her peace.
I don't like the 'so it was to be expected' bit.
Kizame had been to that cafe many times, and was familiar with all the staff.
The sound of talking was deafening, but somehow Kizame heard her cellphone among the hundreds of people.
In my opinion, this flows a little better. What do you think?
The idea of Uncle Tom coming to the cafe caused Kizame's steps to quicken in the opposite direction.
'walk faster away from it' sounds quite amateurish compared to the rest of the story. You have a large vocabulary, so use it. Choose each word and phrase carefully, and make sure they are efficient, effective and create imagery.
'was now standing' makes it sound like a narration. I don't want to have the suspicion that someone was talking about what they see, as the rest of the story isn't in that style.
Again. Take out the 'now'. You don't need to compare this scene with the last, it can quite happily stand on its own two feet.
I dunno about you, but I haven't called it a pointer finger since I was about seven. It's the index finger. Because you have a fairly formal selection of words throughout the story, 'pointer finger' drags it suddenly into the informal and therefore makes it sound slightly childish. Or even just say 'finger'. It's of no importance which finger she uses, is it?
You've used 'finger' over and over again. I know there's not much else you could call it, but you could try rearranging-
She placed her finger on an empty spot, and dragged it across the bare place. She examined the result with raised eyebrows, it was very dusty. Kizame wiped her hand on her dark blue jeans with a grimace.
A loud beeping disturbed her peace. Grunting with annoyance, Kizame glanced at her ringing pocket.
Show, don't tell. My example, while not the greatest, has more imagery then just stating that her phone was ringing and it is annoying.
Overall, this is fairly decent. You seem to know where you're going with it- which is great. Just work on showing, not telling, and refining your sentences. The plot itself is sound, I couldn't see any holes.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
-Nutty
Hey Maki!
I think the phrasing would be more smooth here if you phrased it like this: "It was the early morning and she was taking quick, small sips of her coffee" - set a time and location before giving an action.
You can use a semi-colon in there: "Her mind was empty; all she thought of was"
You don't have to capitalize "the" as it is still a continuation of the sentence. "like anything else?" the waitress asked.
You don't really have to refer to her as "the girl" - we know who she is, she has a name, and it seems weird. You can say "she".
Typos.
The word is necessary and just clogs up the sentence.
After a while, [comma] whoever"
Some commas need to be present: If you did, stay there, I'll come by", "oh, and by the way, it's your Uncle Tom".
Since this a thought, try to put it in italics perhaps to distinguish it - this is a stylistic choice though. Also, comma: "sighed, and thought, "Of course it's Uncle Tom"
You saw Kizame's name quite a lot in this paragraph - it's alright to say "she" now and then. Also, there's also a very "and then she and then she and then she" sort of feel to this part - you're just telling us what's happening without describing it, let any imagery unfold in our heads. Try to put more description into this. And to get rid of the "and then" feel, trying to phrase some sentences differently. Instead of saying, "she did this. she did this.", try, for example: "Her hands trailed languidly along the objects, placing her pointer finger on an empty spot".
You don't have to put a space after quotation marks.
This fragment sounds weird with that semi-colon after it. Try making it not a fragment: "Kizame smiled at that phrase".
You just took us in and out of the cemetary without really giving much description to anything besides a tree. Try adding more description to the world around her besides what is directly next to her.
Comma: "Kizama,"
Non-capitalized dialogue tag: "he asked"
That's a very aloof way to alert us that her whole family died in a car accident - try to drop us more hints, or phrase this in a much more dramatic way. People don't just say "when my family died in that car accident. Add a little more feeling.
This is an interesting story - but try to add more feeling into the tragedy that surrounds Kizame. You drop off tragedies, like her sitting next to her family's graves, and her parents dying in a car accident, very nonchalantly - you need to give these events more words, express how Kizame is feeling more. Or it makes Kizame seem very numb, callous without legitimately expressed reasons.
Keep writing, and I hope my review was helpful. PM me if you have questions!
~ Clo
thanks ^_ I'll be able to complete all of my reviews once it is christmas brake
Hey again! Your second review, mademoiselle.
You’re really not that far yet, obviously 
So there’s just the grammatical, etc., things I pointed out in the attachment.
The green highlighted stuff was just unnecessary words, typos, etc. that you could pick out for yourself; tiny mistakes, accidents, meh.
There is one thing I noticed a lot of, and that’s the awkward positioning of prepositional phrases that describe action. Things like “stood out of her chair” and “sat up from the covers.” That’s something to watch out for.
Btw, the chapter title: not so much. I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s not your biggest concern right now, and I hate naming chapters, but if you’re naming them, you’re naming them and excellence is necessary… eventually.
You’re doing well so far. It’s not been a very happy story up to now, but a that’s okay
Feel free to ask me if there’s any specific things you wondered about! I’d also love to read/review the next chapters, if you want me too.
Bon appétit!
*adna*
Tahnk you ^_^ I will fix up the minor errors. I hope you like chapter 2- it involves a trip to the doctor ^_^
Hello, I'm Jasmine.
There doesn't need to be a comma after 'No' just a period.
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You forgot to capitalize her name.
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Did you mean former
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I think you mean aisle and gorgeous.
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This sentence kind of confused me. I think you meant stripped. and then something else. And over sized is two words or with a hyphen.
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You use the phrase 'Kizame was now...' It is kind of repetitive over and over again. Get creative and go for something else.
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Lied is misused in this case. Lied means to lie...a better word is laid. Or lay.
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Again, you used lie....if this is present tense use lay.
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'Today is spaghetti night, your favorite.'
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This is choppy. Something like You should never get mad at another person would flow better. Really, isn't needed.
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In this specific case Uncle shouldn't be capitalized. Since she isn't addressing him as his name.
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I think your missing 'be' I might be pretty laid back on most things.
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Either seperate soon and less than one week with a comma or take one out.
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Don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
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Nice sentence, but i think you mean 'forward to'
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Favorite quote!!!!!
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I think you did an excelent job!!! Besides the minor grammar details, you got a good story going here. You didn't go into much detail about Kizame (well that's a mouth full) but hopefully in the following chapter any kind of confusion is cleared up.
Hope I helped. Pm me when you get the next chapter done.
thanks for, yet another awsome review. i fixed all the sstuff you pointed out, and rewrote the stuff you suggested. Also for "ile" I can't spell, and spell check didn't have it.
I was looking for the word, that sounds like (I-le). you know like when someone at a grocery store calls out. "Clean up in (Blank) 1, Clean up in (Blank) 1. i do not know how to spell that word.
I have one question. What do you think of Kizame.
I ususal have a hard time creating good, likeable characters that people can relate with or grow attacked too.
I will PM you when chapter 2 is done. once I finish my evil math, english and japanese homework >_<
whoot free hour at school!
About why I marked 'the teenager'.
You already introduced the girl as a teenager at the beginning and then you bridged it to be Kizame. Therefore, unless it's a different teenager (in which case you would say so like 'another teenage girl...') you don't need to put the teenage part back in there. It's too repetitive.
Make sense?
About the line in red:
It doesn't flow very well. You use 'then' a lot. Try something like 'She examined her finger, it was covered in dust. She wiped it off on her dark blue jeans, leaving a mark'. Or something like that. And then in the next sentence, I'm not really sure what an ile is, first of all. Also, I don't like the phrasing very much, I'm not sure how I would change it but a place to start would be to get rid of the dash and just make all of that one sentence. "...and saw it, a beaufiful, large mirror that looked ancient" or something like that.
I really like this whole section. The tone and style was great.
I really like this story. It is very well written. You have very good tone and style and use really good words to describe things. Kizame is a ta-rif character.
Let me know when you update it!