Young Writers Society

sigh.... I am going to delete this one.


BUT! I SHALL NOT GIVE UP!!!

Maki-chan,


This starts poorly and goes nowhere. Lines like "A love so pure / Being there for each other" are the stuff of parody.

The close, with its reference to hearts and wings and freedom, is painfully cliché.

Try something else. I think this one is flawed beyond repair.


Best,
Brad

sigh..... I shall improve the poem to your exspectations. Man I wish school wasn't tomarro.....

[quote]Creating words, an act to tame you
Disguising my true intentions
Making you understand my false words
Only to be really messed up in nature

I liked the subject, in theory, but the excecution was poor. See how the last line doesn't really fit with the rest? You start off really almost lyrical in language, then leap to slang and an almost harshness. It makes the reader go, "huh? How does that fit?"[/quote]

[quote]A terrible plot in my mind
Obsessed with my greed
In love with my lust
Unleashing my wrath upon your heart
Causing your body to burn to dust

Ashes spreading into the wind
Scattering across the heavens
Sprinkling down upon the land
Stinging my eyes as I gave into the sky

Tears flow from my red eyes
Bringing salty drops of crystal liquid on the ground
An uncomforting silence strays with me
Haunting my mind with strange thoughts
[/quote]

These three verses don't seen to fit the first at all, it goes from an innocent lie to death and destrurction. Again, it feels like you wanted to write two poems with two very different voices, but instead decided to just put them into one, slightly messed up poem, with two halves fighting each other.

[quote]Envy overcame the love of my wingless heart
What a horrible truth
That beckoned within my cold stone body
I wanted to fly too
I should had taken them away
I wish I had your angel wings[/quote]

They? Who's this they? The wings? The narrator's feelings? The second to lst line is confusing and not to mention skipping to another voice again.

Over all, it has poteintal, but needs a lot of work.

I made some improvements and I hope that they helped with the poem.

you see the one who loved the angel relized at the end that the reasoned he loved her(the angel) was because he wanted her wings.

I liked it, so wait... The angel burned to dust and you were crying, but then in the end the angel is flying again? Wait...what?

it was good but i didn't stick with me to the end it might just be me well it probibly is just me

sigh.... I guess I still need a lot more improvement. I am going to rewrite this peom and make it's flow better.


I shall do better

To be frank, there was very little I liked about this poem. Your language was inconsistent; one minute it was simple ("causing your body to burn to dust") the next it was flowery ("salty drops of crystal liquid") without any apparent reason. The rhythm was non-existent, and the story didn't seem to flow. The verses did not connect, to my mind.

From what I can discern, you have an interesting idea here. Unfortunately it is obscured by your set-up and language. My advice would be to really pare it down to the essentials. Cut the first two stanzas altogether - they seem to have very little to do with the actual point of it all - and instead explore the concept of jealousy and love. What does the poet do about his/her feelings? How does the object of their wrath react? In short, the reader does not want to hear empty verses about "your greed" and your stinging tears - that's boring. We want to be involved; we want to understand; we want to feel with you.

Try keeping that in mind when you rewrite. Your poem will be stronger for it.

Cheers,
~bubbles