My name is Four Fifty One and
my middle name Censorship Joe.
Patrolling the streets as a dog
twenty four seven and three sixty five.
--
Men build up walls, but I drive them mad.
Yet my security they've always had.
--
I draw them like moths into the light,
they find it lovely, inviting and bright.
Fleeing the dark, the deadliest of night.
--
My masters are my servants, and we,
We chain them to their beds.
Eat the books, tear up the antidote.
Whisper that all is well.
--
My name is Four Fifty One and
I keep the door bolted like the
villain I am, stalking down
The intellect, reincarnation of man.
--
I'm omnipotent, but mortal.
Enforcer of the law.
--
Someday I'll extinguish
the blue-green light,
once if for all.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,853 Reviews
Hiya, Sunset here to review!
This rhyme thing is confusing me. Is there a certain pattern in it? I didn't see one. Your first stanza, as I remember it, didn't rhyme at all, and then some of your others did. I'm sure you intended on doing that, but there's no rhyming pattern in there. I am a little picky about rhyming and the patterns. I actually don't think it's that critical to not have a rhyming pattern in there. Strange thing is, you were going off and on with your rhyming which made me a little cofused. Try working on that for a future poem.
Ok, moving on. I found one spelling error (though I guess it could work the way it is).
When you said once if for all, it didn't sound right. Did you mean to say "once in for all"? I think that makes more sense to me.
Till nextime,
Sunset101
I like the principal of the poem. The name is confusing. Men and women can build but we can also destroy. I like the statement about the blue-green light. Dogs are known to eat my homework! Dogs are man's best friend, but what about woman? Don't we get a companion other than material objects?
Overall awesome!
Keep writing!
This is pretty cool. I know the Hound in Fahrenheit 451 always creeped me out. Personally, though, I think this is more material for a horror poem than a satire. I just think it works better.
Overall, this is a little bit all over the place. You start rhyming part of the way through, but then you drop it. Since this poem is all one stanza, you should probably either consistently rhyme or choose not to at all. Just keep it consistent. Also, you don't need to capitalize each line. In fact, it would probably be better if you didn't
I think these are my favorite lines of the piece. For some reason, I just think they work really well.
I spy a few typos!
You repeated 'we.'
*omnipotent
Should be 'blue-green.'
I think you mean "Once and for all."
Also, I would say "The intellect, reincarnation of man" instead of "a man." I just think it sounds more mysterious/threatening.
There are also a couple of spots that flow weirdly (I'm not a fan of the Joe part of "Censorship Joe"). To fix these, I recommend reading your poem out loud - that'll help you identify the trouble spots.
Good luck and keep writing!
Thanks. Part of that is that I'm working in mobile so as far as autocorrect works, it could be worse, lol. It wasn't one stanza originally either, but some were 2 lines, some three, or four, and that just was really awkward. Dunno if I can edit it but well see.