When We Grow Up - Chapter Three

This is really good.
It gives a really good mind movie and i really like that. Its like i dont have to work so hard to get what you mean!
Keep writing!!!

Fly On~ Raven

Okay. I really, really, really love this. I sort of have a soft spot for "best friend" romances, and I for one think they're amazing, not cliche (okay, they're kind of cliche, but in a good way.) I can't wait for the next chapter, I think this is wonderful! Keep writing!

I agree with confetti except in these two points:

confetti wrote:He whispers, untangles himself from me, and wanders in the opposite direction.

confetti wrote:Why is he shouting? Are they not standing near each other now? Not to mention, I doubt Lucas wants his personal life shouted on a football field.

• There's a problem with the commas and capitalisation in dialogue (the link explains it very well)
• the way you wrote this is not the best, according to what's needed for its theme.

“I’m positive.(comma)” I assure him.

“Okay, well, I have to sort Kimberly out. Are you sure you’re okay?”

He seems like the only person who ever really understood understands me.

I was everything she said I was, but I was happy being that way. (dash) And anyway, who said that was such a crime?

I kept telling people I was going to be okay, and genuinely thought I was going to be okay.

Tears keep falling, and I feel like I’m falling alongside (with) them. (no period) Into a deep pit of self pity... Yes, I know, I know. Self pity doesn’t do anyone any good. (an exclamation mark wouldn't hurt...) I’m aware of that detail, (no comma) but today, to me, it that is rather insignificant

Could things get any better worse? (It's a difficult choice, I know, but you can't put both...)

I exhale and remain silent. (She's not with a doctor, so maybe she could just sigh?)

Nobody (dash) and I mean nobody (dash) could make me feel better about this situation.

Lucas: (This is just the worst way you can change narrators, it reminds me a play...)

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry (comma) mate (period) Just distracted -- that's all..." (This is the second time you're using mate)

Put them two together and it is hardly bearable (or put both together). Today it's a surprise that I haven't told him to shut up.

"Freddie, it's been eight months.(comma) (no, we need emotion here -- exclamation mark)" I say, matter-of-factly.

I feel my phone ring in my pocket.

I reach up from a sitting position and grab the handle, opening the door ever so slightly.

I look at him and every bit of pain and sadness comes back again.

"Come here, you.(comma)" He says in a calming voice, arms open wide and instantly, I fall into them,(period) as he wraps his arms around me, I feel as if I am now protected from all the bad things in the world. This is very generic and very bland-sounding.

“Bad things happen to good people, Erin. There is no justice to that, but it happens, we don’t know why, but it does. I think it’s to make sure we are strong enough to get through any situation put in our path. I know you’re strong enough to get through anything, you just don’t know it.”

“It’s just so hard, you know? Dealing with all of the prejudices that I am put through.”

“Forget Kimberly, (period) she just gets a thrill out of making you feel bad about yourself, (ellipsis) and you sitting here all alone, (no comma) must make her feel victorious, because she believes she’s beaten you. I suggest you dust yourself off, put a smile on that beautiful face of yours and carry on.”

“You’re right, I’m better than this (her). Now, come on. Let’s go get a movie, pizza, call Demi and have one of our movie nights, (period)you know how much they you cheer me up.”

He chuckles to himself.

“That’s my girl.”

I smirk,(no comma) and squeeze him around the waist once more.

After a night of movies, pizza and being surrounded by my best friends, you suddenly begin to realise that you are completely blessed to have the people in your life, the people that stuck around through everything, the people who make life all that little bit more special - well, that’s how it went for me anyway.

My head rests on a pillow which is placed on Lucas’ knee.

Demi smiles at me as she notices my head rest+ing on Lucas’ knees.

“Yeah, I know that.” He sighs heavily. “But when Demi picks the same one every other week, it gets rather irritating.”
Demi smiles at me as she notices my head rest ing on Lucas’ knee.
“What?” I smile.
She winks at me. “Nothing.” (this is so naughty!)
She turns back to the TV.
“Ugh, I hate how you two always pick the rom coms! I have no idea what he's talking about... ” Lucas exclaims, putting his hand over his eyes.
“Stop complaining!” Demi almost shouts from where she is sitting on the floor, sitting against the sofa. Lucas and I are sprawled across. I'm not going to tell you what this looks like...
“Finding Nemo?” I suggest.
“What are you, five?” Lucas smirks, making a face and teasing me.
“Hey! I love that movie!”
And then...?

So, we sat and watched Finding Nemo, whilst too formal!I lead laid across the couch resting on Lucas’ knee, Demi sprawled across the carpet. How selfish!
Now, I realise that I am in my element. My best friends. The only people I need. Show. don't tell! In the middle of watching the movie, I feel his free arm curl around my shoulder. I fall into his warm embrace and suddenly realise it’s time to tell him how I feel. "Eureka!", I shout (Just kidding... I mean, this is just not the kind of ideas I have all of a sudden...

Lucas: I wish I had the guts to tell her how I feel, I think to myself, as I take a strand of her hair between my finger and thumb and twirl it around my index finger gently. This is the thing that makes me think it would be perfect if this was related by a third-person narrator...

Thank you for your constructive criticism!

I was out in the hallway, pacing up and down and trying to calm myself down. Breathe. Don’t cry, don’t cry. That’s precisely what she wants you to do. I catch my breathe breath, as I sitting sit against the wall with my head in my hands. Mr. Collins comes out of the classroom, (no comma) and glances over at me, strides over, and crouches on the floor to see if I’m okay.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just me being stupid.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive.(comma)” I assure him.

“Okay, well, I have to sort Kimberly out. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m okay, don’t worry about me. I’ve fought these battles for the past five years. I think it’s just the shock, you know?”

He nods and smiles, stands up and walks back into his classroom. A second later, Lucas walks out. “You did brilliantly, by the way.” He smiles.

I chuckle lightly. “Before I stormed out, filled with embarrassment?”

“Yeah, well, everyone around here knows what Kimberly is like.(comma)” He says, sitting cross-legged on the floor of the hallway.

“True.”

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” He smiles.

My expression mirrors his. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

He laughs. “Just give me a call if you need me, yeah?”

“In a heartbeat.(comma)” I say.

He stands up, and sighs as he does so. “Give me a hug, you.”

He leans down a little bit and wraps his arms around me, and I instinctively smile.

“You’ll be okay, kiddo.(comma)” He whispers, untangles himself from me, and wanders in the opposite direction. I smile as I watch him walk away. He seems like the only person who ever really understood understands me. You change tenses here, from present to past. You need to choose one or the other, you cannot use both. Go back from here and below and fix it.

Getting home was the worst part. I kept filling up with tears, I kept telling people I was going to be okay, and geniunely thought I was going to be okay. But, after all, Kimberly was right. I was everything she said I was, but I was happy being that way. And anyway, who said that was such a crime?

I pushed through the front door. Mum and Sarah were standing around the kitchen having their general chats as usual. As they notice me, they both turn and beamat me.

“How was your debate in English today.(comma)” they both say in perky unison.

“Don’t ask.” I sigh,(no comma) heavily and make my way upstairs.

I sit against my closed bedroom door, pulling my knees up to my chin and everything floods out of me, the tears, the pain, the embarrassment and all the angst that I ever felt. Tears keep falling, and I feel like I’m falling alongside them. Into a deep pit of self pity. Yes, I know, I know. Self pity doesn’t do anyone any good. I’m aware of that detail, but today, to me, it is rather insignificant.

I wipe the tears, catch my breath and hurriedly search for my phone. Ugh, the battery is dead.

Could things get any better worse?

“Honey, it’s Mum. (comma)” She says from the other side of the door.

I exhale and remain silent.

Sarah calls to me. (comma)“Come on, sis. We know you’re in there. Just let us in, we want to help you.”

I say nothing.

“Fine, if you’re going to be like that, there is only one person we can call.(comma)" Sarah shouts from the other side of the door.

I say nothing. Nobody and I mean nobody could make me feel better about this situation.

Lucas:

The football pitch is huge, I stand in the middle of it and stand You use stand too repetitively here in awe.

"Come on, mate.(comma)" Freddie McLawson shouts from the goalpost. "Are we practicing or what?"

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry mate just distracted that's all."

"What's this about?" he shouts from the goalpost. You repeat yourself here, we already know that he is shouting it from the goalpost, no need to say it twice.

I walk to the goalpost where he is standing. You sure want us to know that he's standing near a goalpost, don't you? I would change this to "I walk towards him." We already know he's by a goalpost (as you've told us three times now), there's no need to mention it again.

"Is this about Erin?"

I sigh, nodding.

"When are you ever going to tell her all the things you've been telling me and Toby for the past, I don't know, three years?" He shouts again. Why is he shouting? Are they not standing near each other now? Not to mention, I doubt Lucas wants his personal life shouted on a football field. I seem to think that he and his family only came with one setting - loud. His twin brother, Toby, is exactly he same. Put them two together and it is hardly bearable. Today it's a surprise that I haven't told him to shut up.

"Freddie, it's been eight months.(comma)" I say, matter-of-factly.

"Twelve, and you, me and Toby know it." He rolls his eyes.

I feel my phone ring in my pocket.

"Wait a sec, mate." I smile, and turn round to face the other goalpost.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Lucas it's Sarah."

"Hi.(comma)" I say. "Wait, is Erin okay? You only ring me if there's something wrong."

"Get here as soon as you can."

Erin:

"Erin, come on. Let me in, please?" I hear his voice from the other side of the door, he sounds like he's about to give up.

"Luc, please. Just…it's just me overreacting, don't worry about me." I sigh.

"Yeah, well, it's pretty hard not to when you're my best friend, eh?"

I laughat this one.

"Fancy letting me in and we can sort this all out?"

"If I let you in, will you promise to stop being soppy?"

"It's in my nature, I can't help it, you know me."

"Sadly, yes." I laugh.

I reach up from a sitting position and grab the handle, opening the door ever so slightly.

I look at him and every bit of pain and sadness comes back again.

He walks in, looking at me with the most sympathetic expression on his face.

"Come here, you.(comma)" He says in a calming voice, arms open wide and instantly, I fall into them,(period) as he wraps his arms around me, I feel as if I am now protected from all the bad things in the world. This is very generic and very bland-sounding.

“I just don’t understand why people do this.(comma)” I say, my voice muffled in his jacket.

“Do what?” he whispers.

“Make people feel as if they’re worth nothing.”

“Bad things happen to good people, Erin. There is no justice to that, but it happens, we don’t know why, but it does. I think it’s to make sure we are strong enough to get through any situation put in our path. I know you’re strong enough to get through anything, you just don’t know it.”

“It’s just so hard, you know? Dealing with all of the prejudices that I am put through.” A tear starts to descend across I would change this to down. Tears do not flow in random directions. my cheek.

“Believe me, you are strong enough.”

“I’m just glad you are here with me.(comma)” I say, with a slight smile.

“I’m here whenever you need me.(comma)” he says matter-of-factly. “Forget Kimberly, she just gets a thrill out of making you feel bad about yourself, and you sitting here all alone, must make her feel victorious, because she believes she’s beaten you. I suggest you dust yourself off, put a smile on that beautiful fare of yours and carry on.”

I sigh, smiling. “You’re right, I’m better than this. Now, come on. Let’s go get a movie, pizza, call Demi and have one of our movie nights, you know how much they cheer me up.”

He chuckles to himself.

“What?” I smile.

“That’s my girl.”

I smirk,(no comma) and squeeze him around the waist once more.

After a night of movies, pizza and being surrounded by my best friends, you suddenly begin to realise that you are completely blessed to have the people in your life, the people that stuck around through everything, the people who make life all that little bit more special - well, that’s how it went for me anyway.

Lucas sits on the couch, his arm curled around the massive bowl of popcorn. “So, what movie are we watching?”

“The Notebook!” Demi enthusiastically offers.

“Normally, I would second that suggestion, but I’m not in the mood for your soppy romances, Dem.” I smirk.

My head rests on a pillow which is placed on Lucas’ knee.

“I object!” Demi turns and glares at me, jokingly.

“Overruled!” Lucas shouts back in protest.

This was their usual banter, and of course, it was all good natured well, except when Demi wanted to watch every single soppy romance possible.

We all laugh and then Lucas looks at me and smiles. “What do you want to watch?”

“I picked last week.(comma)” I say. “It’s Demi’s turn.”