It wasn't fair! I didn't want to move! Not this year! I was going to be class president! Why did they do this to me?! Was father's job really worth moving across the country for?!! But then I overheard how unhappy father was at his old job, and every time he talked about his new job his eyes would light up. I sighed as our rented U-Haul truck rolled into the driveway of our 'new house.' As I stepped out of the U-Haul, I stared at the new house. It's outside walls were plastered with brown all over. And some sides of the house wall had rocks laid on it. It was pretty big, and looked kinda nice actually. But that wasn't going to sway me one bit. I was still a bit angry at my parent's for having me to move away from all my friends back at Paris. I mean, look at this place! This stupid small town in surrounded by so many mountains and tree's. It's as if we were up in Alaska!
"Well Maia? What do you think? Isn't it beautiful?!" My mother said in joy.
"I'd rather be back at Paris." I mumbled.
My mother shot me a look which silenced me, as my father opened the U-Haul's loading door.
I grumbled under my breath as I helped carried our boxes into our new home.
As I carried our boxes into our new home, inside was actually quite large and very nice. I first entered the living room in where it already had new furniture set up. We had two new brown leather couches, a small glossy brown table in the middle of it, and two bookshelves on each side of the room. It also had hanged up paintings and deer horns that was nailed up at the entering doorway into the living room.
I sighed, but it still wasn't like the home that I grew up in back at Paris for sixteen years of my life! I looked away, and continued my way and walked up the twelve flight of steps and turned a right, reaching my bedroom.
When I walked inside, my mouth dropped open. My bedroom's wallpaper was painted with the color of pink and honey yellow. I had four windows, and a door that led to the backyard I guessed. I had a huge bed with rose flower cover sheets, rugs, and pillows. I had a fireplace at the end of my bed was a table where I could do my homework was next to it. I also had two comfy chairs next to the right side of my bed. I couldn't believe it. The room looked... actually pretty warm and I couldn't help but feel a sense of welcome. This made me smile for a bit until I thought back to my friends and my old home in Paris. I sighed as I placed my boxes down on the floor. I wondered what my friends were doing right now in Paris.
A couple of hours later after unpacking everything, my mother called me down for dinner. When I reached downstairs. My mother made mashed potatoes and gravy, meatloaf, and side veggies.
As I sat down on the chair across from my mother and next to my father. We all ate in silence. For a while we continued to eat silently until my father broke it. "Well! What do you think of the new house Maia?!" My father asked with enthusiasm, and a bit of hope.
I glanced at my mother who gave me a look. I sighed, turning back to face my father. "Great." I said with an accidental sarcastic tone as I said it.
My father's hopeful smiled turned into a frown.
"I-Its great!!!" I shouted with fake enthusiasm, trying to avoid the subject of my mother having to lecture me after dinner.
"Honest! My room is... its really nice. I wouldn't have asked for anything further more. I love this place Dad. Thanks." I said, adding a fake smile hoping my dad would buy it.
My dad's frown turned into a smile. "That's great! I thought you would hate this place... Maia. I'm sorry that we had to move away from all your friends. But I hope you'll be able to make new friends here and think of this as your new home." My father said, taking my hands into his.
I looked into his eyes and forced a smile. I hated how my father can make someone feel guilty afterwards. After dinner, I helped my mother wash the dishes and clean the table.
"Thank you." My mother said, walking over to me smiling down.
"For what?" I asked, as I dried the dishes with a towel.
"Thanks for not being selfish, and supporting your father." My mother said.
"That somewhat sounded like a compliment, AND a insult at the same time." I said.
My mother laughed and patted me on the back gently. "Thanks dear. Your father really needs the support. He just wants you to be happy." My mother said.
I sighed and looked up at her. "I know..." I said quietly.
After cleaning up, I went back into my room and laid on the bed on my back, staring up at the ceiling.
Even though I hated the fact that I moved away from all my friends... I also wanted to support my father... after everything he had done for me... It wasn't right that I should be selfish for my own happiness... I sighed. I guess I'll have to learn to live a new life... A fresh new life... new place... new friends... A new beginning...
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi Mai! Here to review your story
So I'll start off this review with what I liked, then I'll move on to a few suggestions and I'll end it with an overall view of everything. Starting with what was good about this, you seem to have some solid characters developing- I'm particularly intrigued with why Maia really wants to please her dad- yet she doesn't act that way with her mum. I look forward to seeing that storyline progress, and also you've made an effort to include some descriptions which is really great too!
As for some suggestions, the first thing I noticed in your opening paragraph is that there were far too many exclamation marks. An exclamation mark is one of those things that should be used in moderation to be truly effective, but as soon as you start adding loads then it doesn't look as good. Also, it just makes it a bit difficult to tread, so I say only include a few here and there.
'It's' should be 'Its' as 'It's' is short for 'it is'.
Something I noticed generally about this piece was that a lot of the sentences would either start with 'I' or 'Its'. I did notice a few sentences that started with adverbs which is great, but I think there needs to be more things like that otherwise it gets a bit boring to read. At the same time, don't try and make all your sentence starters really interesting- I think the trick here is just to get the right balance.
'parent's' should be 'parents' as its a plural.
I think the descriptions of the inside and outside of the house was good as it showed the MC's opinion of everything however it's not overly exciting. Descriptions are actually really hard to make exciting, but a few tips would be firstly, think about the five senses. What does everything smell like? look like? sound like? It'll really help with the imagery and really putting the reader in the middle of the story. Also, think about colours! Try maybe using some similes and metaphors to compare things to, so it's more clear what everything looks like.
The expression here is slightly incorrect; I think it should be:
I was still a bit angery at my parents for making me move away from all my friends in Paris
I found this bit of dialogue a bit odd, I think its mostly do do the with exclamation marks. Really they only need to be used when someone is shouting, and I can't imagine him shouting here. Also the last bit of the sentence- rather than saying 'asked with enthusiasm and a bit of hope' try and show it! For example, maybe his voice went higher, and he made uneasy eye contact with Maia for example.
Lastly,
I don't think there need to be all these ellipses here, it makes it quite difficult to read.
Overall, I think this is really interesting! I'd like to more about why they've left, you've sort of mentioned something about the dad's jobs but maybe in future chapter you could go on about why he was unhappy. The fact that Maia feels she needs to please her father is really interesting, also I look forward to reading about how perhaps she makes new friends and stuff. Anyways, I hope this review helped! Feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Thank you so much for the Review!!! I greatly appreciate it and will use your suggestions!
The first thing is that you might want to consider elaborating in the following, it kind of jumps in there and is really confusing.
It wasn't fair! I didn't want to move! Not this year! I was going to be class president! Why did they do this to me?! Was father's job really worth moving across the country for?!! But then I overheard how unhappy father was at his old job, and every time he talked about his new job his eyes would light up. I sighed as our rented U-Haul truck rolled into the driveway of our 'new house.' As I stepped out of the U-Haul, I stared at the new house
The next thing is I have a really hard time picturing the following, maybe adding some spacial and character descriptions like saying hard wood floors with cold cement walls colored . . .
As I carried our boxes into our new home, inside was actually quite large and very nice. I first entered the living room in where it already had new furniture set up. We had two new brown leather couches, a small glossy brown table in the middle of it, and two bookshelves on each side of the room. It also had hanged up paintings and deer horns that was nailed up at the entering doorway into the living room.
Then for the following maybe saying what pattern it was painted in would help with visualizations, you don't want it to be wordy but you want to allow the reader to get a clear mental image
My bedroom's wallpaper was painted with the color of pink and honey yellow.
I liked that the story line was consistent but I would have loved if it were more descriptive and explained things more. Other then these I love the story line and would like to know where you plan on taking it. It is really open right now and I see a partial internal conflict developing with the unwanted move and making her dad be more content with his decision.
Thank you for the review! I appreciate it and will do my best to fix errors!