( NO TITLE TILL NOW) - Chapter # 1: "Haunted Woods!"

by Maha
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    Story about two brother and sister who possess paranormal powers. they go to a school and find out that even more of their type exist in this world.

    They make a team of people with best paranormal powers in the world. but this team will have to risk their lives in order to live in this world of normal people!

    surviving is a question in this world...!!!

“How do you that?” jenny asked her brother in amusement. “I want to do that too, but all I can do is rack through others brains; and that is so damn boring.” She sat beside Jeremy on the couch, now watching him levitate his bag pack back to the place where it belonged.

“Sorry, what did you say? I wasn’t concentrating” Jeremy said after he was done.

“Never you mind, let’s go down, mom is soon going to come up and ask us to come down for dinner.”

“See, this is so cool, you can know what others are thinking and you always say that this is boring…?? Remember once you saved us from being punished, when we went in that haunted wood, we’re not supposed to go in. if you wouldn’t have been there we would have been grounded for the rest of our lives.”

“Whatever! it was your stupid idea to go and hunt some ghosts, eh?”

“Whatever.”

They descended the staircase and sat down on the sofa watching TV placed in the middle of the huge living room and started flipping through channels, and their mom emerged from the kitchen and asked them to come in the dining room for dinner.

“As expected!” they said together. They looked at each other and smiled.

This was so usual for them but their mom didn’t even have a hint that they had extraordinary powers; to which science refers as paranormal and psychic powers. They never felt an urge to tell their mom anything about this, supposedly, not to make her more worried. 7 years before a small fight broke out at the borders and their father had to leave to join the ranks at the borders being an army official, the fighting was stopped in only 3 days but their father never returned home after that. On the 7th day an army official had come to their home and informed their mother about the death of their father, she had collapsed at the footsteps of their home, and when they asked about what she was crying about, she only said that a family member died; never mentioning their dad. From that day onwards she has been trying her luck to keep it a secret from them that their father was no more. But of course jenny being able to listen what people are thinking, understood and heard everything her mother have been trying to keep a secret from them. Jenny understood that her mother wanted them to be happy and live a relaxed life; she did not want them to be called as fatherless children. She had strived hard for them and that is why they never let it out to their mom that they knew everything. They loved her for being such a nice mother. In the starting when Jeremy used to ask his mom about their father, it made her scared and sad, so jenny confided her mother’s secret to Jeremy in order to stop him for asking that hurting thing over and over again.

“I was just about to call you both for dinner” their mom said with a pleasant smile. It was easy to keep a smile on her face as she was a charming host on a television program. She was tall, slender and beautiful for her age group with large chocolate brown eyes on a small pale face and dark brown hair always tied in a neat ponytail reaching her shoulders. No one would ever think of her as a widow and a mother of two 13 year old twins.

“Did you see my last show yesterday night?” their mom asked taking her usual place on the dining table beside Jenny.

“Nope” Jeremy said rolling his eyes. He hated it when their mom asked them to see the boring show her mom hosted and interviewed the old, boring people.

“And don’t start bugging us about it, you know how we hate that.” jenny said helping herself to sausages and baked potatoes.

“Yeah, Okay”

they ate in silence until Jeremy said“Okay mom I am done”.“And so am I” jenny also left her chair and they both kissed their mom goodnight and climbed up the stairs into their rooms.

_________________________________________________________________

His legs ached from running; he glanced back and saw nothing but darkness. He leaned against the tree, trying to catch his breath, sliding against the tree he sat down on the roots of it and clutched his chest; it had been a long run. But how the hell did that thing come in his room, how? How? And that shriek, who screamed? Who had been hurt? Who…….suddenly he realized, he was alone, all alone by himself in these haunted woods…..oh my god….oh my god, where is jenny? She was with him when they left the house.

“JENNY…..JENNY” he shouted, all the breathlessness was suddenly gone. His sister was missing where was she? Did that thing get her? Where did it take her? Is she alive? His thoughts made him shudder. He tried to force them out of his mind. She will be alright, he thought. She is just missing, I will find her.

He tried once again…”JENNY, ARE YOU THERE?” may be it had caught her and she is already dead, lying somewhere in this wood, covered in blood…. “Stop thinking like a blithering idiot” he told himself aloud.

“Yes you were an idiot to come here in first place” a raspy, cold, high-pitched voice said from behind him. He turned back and the sight was enough to make anyone throw up. He felt a sharp pain in his knees and realized that he had fallen on the ground on his knees. He wanted to move back but he could not. Fear engulfed him as he saw the woman standing there in ragged clothes and her head tilted towards one side, she had only sockets for eyes, the skin on her face torn in such a way that you could see her jaw move inside. Her head was tilted because she was nearly beheaded and blood oozed from that cut on her neck every time she spoke. When he saw what she was holding in her hands, it made him scream…

“AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH! NO! NO! JENNYYYYY” he felt a sudden urge to take his sisters body from her arms and run away …he tried to compose himself and gather all the courage to take a step towards her sisters body…..but….suddenly jenny’s face turned towards him and he saw the worst sight of his life. Jenny’s half face was missing and one of her eye was protruding out of the socket and the other one was missing…….he screamed the hell out of himself…..no, no, no, how could this happen to you jenny….he thought….I am sorry jenny I couldn’t save you…but I will let nothing happen to your body anymore….I will….and he froze….. a grin was emerging on her dead sisters face and she spoke in a dreadful voice……

“I will take you with me Jem, I cannot go alone……I told you not to come in this wood; didn’t I? I told you I heard thoughts of these beasts but you didn’t listen……But now, there’s no way back Jem, you are coming with me as I came with you in this wood…..it’s your fault I’m dead…and you will meet your end soon….” She laughed a high-pitched laugh which made sudden fear and chill run across Jem’s body. Jenny was already coming close to him and so was that monster…… he wanted to move back but nothing happened. his legs refuse to move and he stood there on his knees waiting for a dreadful death and the wood started getting blurr, he couldn’t see anymore, his head fell backwards and he hit the ground with a painful thud, and the next thing he knew was both of the monsters had come over him because he felt sudden chill ran through him and he knew he was dead!!!!

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Maha Comment

Hey, thanks for reviewing, and all the help too. It was nice of you.

User avatar
StoryWeaver13
Review

Hey there.

First off, watch your capitalization. There were LOTS of sentences that started with a lowercase letter. OK, so for the rest of it...

Story about two brother and sister who possess paranormal powers. they go to a school and find out that even more of their type exist in this world.
They make a team of people with best paranormal powers in the world. but this team will have to risk their lives in order to live in this world of normal people!
surviving is a question in this world...!!! #FF0000 ">I just want to point out that for novels, there's a main page where you can post the plot and such. It doesn't really need to be here. And in any case, it's our job to read--if it's written well enough, we should be able to understand what's going on.


“How do you that?” #FF0000 ">Jenny asked her brother in amusement. “I want to do that too, but all I can do is rack through others brains; and that is so damn boring.” She sat beside Jeremy on the couch, now watching him levitate #FF0000 ">his bag pack back to the place where it belonged. #FF0000 ">The wording of that part is just a little confusing to me...

“Sorry, what did you say? I wasn’t concentrating#FF0000 ">,” Jeremy said after he was done.

“Never you mind, let’s go down, #FF0000 ">Mom is soon going to come up and ask us to come down for dinner.” #FF0000 ">In this sentence, Mom is her "name." Capitalize.

“See, this is so cool, you can know what others are thinking and you always say that this is boring…?? Remember once you saved us from being punished, when we went in that haunted wood, we’re not supposed to go in. if you wouldn’t have been there we would have been grounded for the rest of our lives.”

“Whatever! #FF0000 ">It was your stupid idea to go and hunt some ghosts, eh?”

“Whatever.”

They descended the staircase and sat down on the sofa watching TV placed in the middle of the huge living room and started flipping through channels, and their mom emerged from the kitchen and asked them to come in the dining room for dinner. #FF0000 ">Haha, for a second my strange mind read that they were sitting on a sofa, and that the sofa was watching TV...think about changing the order of these sentences. The sentence is also a run-on.

“As expected!” they said together. They looked at each other and smiled.

This was so usual for them but their mom didn’t even have a hint that they had extraordinary powers; to which science refers as paranormal and psychic powers. They never felt an urge to tell their mom anything about this, supposedly, not to make her more worried. 7 years before a small fight broke out at the borders and their father had to leave to join the ranks at the borders being an army official, the fighting was stopped in only 3 days but their father never returned home after that. On the 7th day an army official had come to their home and informed their mother about the death of their father, she had collapsed at the footsteps of their home, and when they asked about what she was crying about, she only said that a family member died; never mentioning their dad. From that day onwards she has been trying her luck to keep it a secret from them that their father was no more. But of course #FF0000 ">jenny being able to listen what people are thinking, understood and heard everything her mother have been trying to keep a secret from them. Jenny understood that her mother wanted them to be happy and live a relaxed life; she did not want them to be called as fatherless children. She had strived hard for them and that is why they never let it out to their mom that they knew everything. They loved her for being such a nice mother. In the starting when Jeremy used to ask his mom about their father, it made her scared and sad, so #FF0000 ">jenny confided her mother’s secret to Jeremy in order to stop him for asking that hurting thing over and over again. #FF0000 ">Information dump! In other words, too much "this happened, that happened." This also seemed quite out-of-place with the rest of the story. Why randomly bring it up? We already have a good understanding of their powers, we don't need this further explained by example. I wouldn't necessarily take this from the plot...sure, let that have happened...but don't bring it up just yet.

...

“Nope” Jeremy said rolling his eyes. He hated it when their mom asked them to see the boring show her mom hosted and interviewed the old, boring people. #FF0000 ">You say "their mom" a lot. Every now and then, you can say "her" or "she" or "Mrs.---."

#FF0000 ">They ate in silence until Jeremy said#FF0000 ">,“Okay mom I am done#FF0000 ">."
“And so am I#FF0000 ">.#FF0000 ">Jenny also left her chair and they both kissed their mom goodnight and climbed up the stairs into their rooms.#FF0000 ">So far you have done a lot of showing, but try to do some telling. Why bring up the dinner at all? It's just a dull block of what they did today. At least make it interesting; start a conversation about their abilities, or choose NOW to bring up their dad.

_________________________________________________________________

His legs ached from running; he glanced back and saw nothing but darkness. He leaned against the tree, trying to catch his breath, sliding against the tree he sat down on the roots of it and clutched his chest; it had been a long run. But how the hell did that thing come in his room, how? How? And that shriek, who screamed? Who had been hurt? Who…….suddenly he realized, he was alone, all alone by himself in these haunted woods…..oh my god….oh my god, where is
J
enny? She was with him when they left the house.

“JENNY…..JENNY#FF0000 ">!” he shouted, all the breathlessness was suddenly gone. His sister was missing#FF0000 ">...where was she? Did that thing get her? Where did it take her? Is she alive? His thoughts made him shudder. He tried to force them out of his mind. She will be alright, he thought. She is just missing, I will find her.
He tried once again…”JENNY, ARE YOU THERE?” #FF0000 ">May be it had caught her and she is already dead, lying somewhere in this wood, covered in blood…. “Stop thinking like a blithering idiot#FF0000 ">,” he told himself aloud.

“Yes#FF0000 ">; you were an idiot to come here in first place#FF0000 ">,” a raspy, cold, high-pitched voice said from behind him. He turned back and the sight was enough to make anyone throw up. He felt a sharp pain in his knees and realized that he had fallen on the ground on his knees. He wanted to move back but he could not. Fear engulfed him as he saw the woman standing there in ragged clothes and her head tilted towards one side#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">She had only sockets for eyes, the skin on her face torn in such a way that you could see her jaw move inside. Her head was tilted because she was nearly beheaded and blood oozed from that cut on her neck every time she spoke. When he saw what she was holding in her hands, it made him scream…

“AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH! NO! NO! JENNYYYYY#FF0000 ">!” he felt a sudden urge to take his sisters body from her arms and run away …he tried to compose himself and gather all the courage to take a step towards her sisters body…..but….suddenly #FF0000 ">Jenny’s face turned towards him and he saw the worst sight of his life. Jenny’s half face was missing and one of her eye#FF0000 ">s was protruding out of the socket and the other one was missing…….he screamed the hell out of himself…..no, no, no, how could this happen to you jenny….he thought….I am sorry jenny I couldn’t save you…but I will let nothing happen to your body anymore….I will….and he froze….. a grin was emerging on her dead sisters face and she spoke in a dreadful voice……#FF0000 ">OK, no more capitalization fixes from me, you get the idea, and you can find the rest LOL. This is a little fast.

“I will take you with me Jem, I cannot go alone……I told you not to come in this wood; didn’t I? I told you I heard thoughts of these beasts but you didn’t listen……But now, there’s no way back Jem, you are coming with me as I came with you in this wood…..it’s your fault I’m dead…and you will meet your end soon….” She laughed a high-pitched laugh which made sudden fear and chill run across Jem’s body. Jenny was already coming close to him and so was that monster…… he wanted to move back but nothing happened. his legs refuse to move and he stood there on his knees waiting for a dreadful death and the wood started getting blurr, he couldn’t see anymore, his head fell backwards and he hit the ground with a painful thud, and the next thing he knew was both of the monsters had come over him because he felt sudden chill ran through him and he knew he was dead!!!! #FF0000 ">I would take away the exclamation points, it takes away some of the affect. Overall, this story goes too fast, you don't get to know the characters all-too-well, and you really don't get much glimpse of their personalities. SLOW DOWN! Give us time to take in who they are. Right now, this story's just pretty dull. Make it exciting, and add description!!!


Keep on writing.
~the StoryWeaver



The most important thing is to preserve the world we live in. Unless people understand and learn about our world, habitats, and animals, they won't understand that if we don't protect those habitats, we'll eventually destroy ourselves.
— Jack Hanna