All right, I have successfully beat my inner editor into submission (let's just say it took two sporks and one hysterical muse), so here's the very beginning of my story.
Prologue
The librarian glanced up from her magazine, a look of intense annoyance twisting her weathered face. It was a hot August day, the kind of day when all she wanted to do was hide at her desk with the newest People magazine, and turn the fan up as high as it could go. Heat had melted her mascara and it was smeared all around her eyes, so that she looked like a wrinkly old panda. Consequentially, she was not in the best mood.
“Can I help you?” she asked, though the look on her face suggested that offering assistance of any kind was the last thing she wanted to do.
The boy leaning against her desk was surveying her with an arrogant look that was filled with contempt, almost as though he though he was better than her.
“I’m looking for a book,” the boy drawled. He paused, and then added with a smirk, “That is, if you aren’t too busy reading about Brad Pitt’s latest hair style to help me find it.”
The librarian fumed silently – she loved her People magazines – and decided to ignore that last comment. “What kind of book? Is it summer reading for school or something?”
“No, it’s not for school.” The kid sounded smugly amused, as though he had just referred to a private joke she could never understand.
“Okay…” She wondered what he could possibly be looking for. He looked more like the kind of kid who spent his free time burning books, not reading them. His black shirt and long black hair made him look like a rebel. A gold chain circled his neck. She wondered what hung on it. A cross? Doubtful. He didn’t exactly strike her as the religious type.
“Here’s the title, Mrs…” He squinted at her nametag. “Mrs. Goo… Mrs…Gau..”
“Mrs. Guardian,” she snapped. She snatched the piece of paper he offered out of his hand and peered at the spidery writing. “Call me,” she read slowly. “328-4 – ”
“Other side,” the boy said quickly. He tapped his fingers on her desk impatiently and glared suspiciously at a fat old man who had just waddled through the automatic doors.
What’s he so jumpy about? the librarian wondered, narrowing her eyes slightly.
Carefully, she turned the piece of paper over. “Oh,” she said with some surprise. “You want that book.” She sat there, stunned. No one had asked for that book for… well, ever. So why was this boy looking for it now? “I’m sorry, it’s back in my office at the moment.”
The boy just stood there, as though he were waiting for something.
“What?” the librarian snapped, annoyed.
“Well…” the boy gave her an odd look. “Aren’t you going to go get it, then?”
The librarian cast a considering look at her office door twenty feet away and decided that it wasn’t worth the effort to get up. “Sorry. I’m on my break.” She pointedly picked up her magazine again and made a show of flipping through the glossy pages.
“So you won’t give it to me.” It was more of a statement than a question.
Mrs. Guardian, busy studying a picture of LL Cool J, ignored him.
The boy narrowed his eyes. “Fine. Then I’ll just stand here. Breathing.” He leaned forward uncomfortably close and began wheezing loudly. “In. Out. In. Ou – ”
“Fine!” Mrs. Guardian snapped, her eyes flashing with annoyance. “For Christ’s sake, be quiet already! I’ll get you the stupid book, if that’s what it takes to get you to leave!”
She slammed her magazine down and heaved herself to her feet. She was a fat old lady, with beady gray eyes and hair the color of slush. A long skirt and a drooping brown sweater were as much of a uniform as she would ever wear.
“I guess I’ll go get the book for you,” she told the boy, plainly irritated. Her eyes flickered to his hair. There was something strange about it; something peculiar about the way it fell into his face in dark coils that seemed almost alive. Also, it was almost too black. Maybe he dyed it?
“No, I’ll come,” he said quickly.
The librarian gave him a long look, suddenly suspicious. He seemed out of place among the towering bookshelves, and he was…. edgy. He vaguely reminded her of an alley cat, all tense and ready to pounce at any second. There was something predatory about him. A flicker of unease, a whisper of suspicion, crept into the librarian’s head.
“I suppose… if you want to,” she said uneasily, trying to look nonchalant and failing miserably. She tried to tell herself she was being silly. He was just a boy, after all. Nothing to be afraid of…And even if there was something off about him, so what? They were in a public library, for Christ’s sake! He couldn’t do anything here, not with a bunch of witnesses close by. In fact, there was a stooped little old lady in a red cardigan nearby, browsing through one of the shelves. Not that she would be much help if the boy attacked her…
Her thoughts still racing, the librarian turned and led the way into the cramped office behind the front desk. She was overly aware of his soft footsteps behind her, muffled in the thick beige carpet. He had a strange, prowling stride, like a tiger stalking his prey.
“What happened here?” The boy smirked as they stepped into the office.
His insolent gaze swept the mountain of papers strewn on the lopsided desk and the dusty file cabinets jammed up against all four walls. A heap of books was piled haphazardly on the floor, next to a dingy garbage can that was overflowing with balls of paper and several shriveled up bananas that had as many wrinkles as the librarian. A crooked picture frame hung on the wall over one of the filing cabinets, displaying a large picture of a sleek Siamese cat with a blue collar around its slim neck.
The librarian pointed to the books. “The one you want should be in there,” she lied, well aware that the book the boy wanted was actually stuffed into one of the filing cabinets. Her eyes darted around the room nervously and she began backing towards the door, groping behind her for the doorknob.
The boy rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah,” he muttered, and bent over the pile.
As he bent over, the gold chain dangled off of his neck. It wasn’t decorated with a cross, as the librarian had first thought, but with something else – a clear glass capsule filled with a dark liquid. Ink.
Her heart began to beat faster, spluttering like a squirrel having a seizure. “What’s that?” she asked, as casually as she could. The sight of the capsule brought back a distant memory, a memory filled with fear and desperation. She had once known someone who had worn a chain, just like that... But no... It couldn’t be…
“This? It’s just a necklace,” the boy said evasively. He tucked the chain back under his shirt and bent over the books again. As he did, a strand of his hair seemed to twitch, like a worm after it's been chopped it in half.
There was a moment of silence, and then several things happened in very quick succession. Unsure of what else to do, the librarian grabbed a battered encyclopedia off her desk and flung it at the boy’s head. He dodged it with inhuman grace and laughed, a cold sound that scared Mrs. Guardian more than horror movies or screaming toddlers ever could.
“Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way,” the boy said. His eyes were changing colors, flickering from blue to pitch black and back again. “Give me the book.”
The librarian backed away from the boy. Her hand closed around the cold doorknob. “Never.” The bold two syllables would have sounded defiant, except for the fact that fear made her choke on the word and it came out more like a strangled whisper.
The boy smiled, a cruel, sinister grin that reminded her of a deranged circus clown. “The hard way it is, then.”
His black hair began to writhe and twist on his head. For a moment the librarian thought snakes had sprouted from the boy’s scalp, but then she realized that his hair was melting. It oozed down his face and trickled down his arms in black rivers. Almost like… ink. It pooled at his feet in a black puddle, like a second shadow, then started snaking towards the librarian in dark tendrils.
Mrs. Guardian stopped breathing. How could she have been so stupid? Now that she thought about it, the boy’s real identity had been painfully obvious from the beginning.
“Ink Catcher,” she whispered hoarsely, her suspicions confirmed.
The two enemies stared at each other for a long moment, her eyes filled with fear, his black with menace and a tiny bit of smugness, and then the boy bowed with a cocky little flourish. "At your service.”
All criticism and comments welcome! My inner editor should be out of the hospital in a few days, but in the meantime, he'd appreciate it if you beat this story to death for him!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,685 Literary Works • 673,594 Reviews
Um...guys...this is over a year old....I'm sure Magnus appreciates all the critiques, but it isn't new.
I really, really like this!
A few critiques of course, but in all honesty I think this is a fantastic start.
I do think this is a little overwritten: you are underestimating your reader just a tad. You have expressly spelled out a lot that the reader should get on his own (and would, even without your direction).
Another thing that you may or may not want to alter: I had a little trouble getting my bearings. I couldn't quite find a character to relate to, and if this is remedied later in your story, it won't matter. However, if you want to keep this as a stand-alone piece for any reason, you will need to make your characters a little more personable and less distanced (in my opinion).
But really, this is great writing!!! =)
so the boy's character is cliche but the two main characters falling in love isn't? To be honest i would prefer if they didn't, friendship between main characters in story just sit better with me, too much lovey dovey can ruin the mood a a story. Sigh, why os friendship so underated? And isn't the librarian like really old, or did i read her completly wrong?
Anyway really enjoyed this, please continue
Well, this story is all well and fine, but I think you should write more romance. Why doesn't the librarian fall head over heels for this devilishly charming young ink catcher? Why don't they go to Italy together?
>:]
I apologize. Although, you probably expected that. Tell Vivian I say "Hi".
In all seriousness, I think this sentence sounds a tad awkward.
Perhaps this would sound better as "Heat had melted her mascara and it was smeared all around her eyes, a fact made very clear by no less than four customers that morning. One had even added that she vaguely resembled a wrinkly old panda."
But that's just me.
I think the storyline is original, but I think the boy's character is a bit cliche. I mean...tall, witty, smart-alecky, the hero of the story? Sounds a bit like another character I know...although, there's no incest in this story
Hi there Magnus,
I'm sorry about the delay here. Unfortunately, my internet was quite uncooperative for several days. So, here I am reviewing your story a little belatedly.
Great hook!
I don't really feel that the repetition of the word day here is particularly effective. I'd nix the "of day".
I think you can do a little better here. I never knew that mascara could melt, but even if it can, I would still drop the image, and stick to something along the lines of, "Her mascara had been smeared messily across her eyes, a prospect that made her look less than flattering."
Doesn't she want to offer assistance, or doesn't she want to give assistance? Try to use the words that are the most accurate.
When you say almost, do you mean only almost? I'd nix the almost. Also, arrogant looks generally show that he feels superior. You don't need to tell us this, although I do understand that you are trying to go for a certain style. I don't think that removing this would damage your style in the least though.
I love it.
You told us that she fumed. You also told us that she ignored the comment. Ignore = refuse to acknowledge. Choose: one or the other. You can tell us that she did not respond, though.
Was this a foreshadow of the future? Great, I love it.
Maybe you would care to replace this with something more along the lines of, "More likely an inverted pentagram."
As far as I understand, name tag is two words. I could be wrong though.
She snatched it from his hand.
Very amusing!
Once again, very amusing!
Did she consciously narrow her eyes? If not, rephrase as, "her eyes narrowing slightly."
She can't honestly have expected the boy to walk away. This kind of makes the next bit implausible.
By now, I think you've started running out of alternatives to "said". She's "snapped" before.
I'd switch the ellipsis for a comma.
LMAO! You are having fun with this, aren't you?
Okay, we get it. Mrs Guardian snaps everything she says. Your dialogue itself, as good dialogue should be, is emotive enough for you to not need to tell us how she said it.
What color is slush? As far as I know you can get slush puppies in any color.
Great description!
Maybe he'd dyed it.
Maybe it's just me, but I found this a little uneasy on the eye.
You have failed to tell us what it is about this little old lady that makes the librarian notice her over the rest of the people browsing.
Once again, great description.
"As the librarian herself". Also, Where there actually bananas in the bin or were there banana peels. It would be a bit odd if she threw full bananas away.
We don't know why she's lying. She should just give him the book. If she brought him to her office, it only makes sense that she shouldn't lie.
I like this... Great way of putting it.
You want to keep the action going. Using obscure similes doesn't help this. You want to make the sentences shorter. More choppy. I'd nix the second part of the sentence.
Very nice.
I would once again chop the second part, to make it more choppy.
I'd end the sentence here and then change the next piece to "They flickered from blue to black and back again. “Give me the book.”
Great!
This is remarkably well written.
I'd kill this bit.
Overall:
Hi there Magnus,
I'm sorry about the delay here. Unfortunately, my internet was quite uncooperative for several days. So, here I am reviewing your story a little belatedly.
Great hook!
I don't really feel that the repetition of the word day here is particularly effective. I'd nix the "of day".
I think you can do a little better here. I never knew that mascara could melt, but even if it can, I would still drop the image, and stick to something along the lines of, "Her mascara had been smeared messily across her eyes, a prospect that made her look less than flattering."
Doesn't she want to offer assistance, or doesn't she want to give assistance? Try to use the words that are the most accurate.
When you say almost, do you mean only almost? I'd nix the almost. Also, arrogant looks generally show that he feels superior. You don't need to tell us this, although I do understand that you are trying to go for a certain style. I don't think that removing this would damage your style in the least though.
I love it.
You told us that she fumed. You also told us that she ignored the comment. Choose: One or the other.
“No, it’s not for school.” The kid sounded smugly amused, as though he had just referred to a private joke she could never understand.
“Okay…” She wondered what he could possibly be looking for. He looked more like the kind of kid who spent his free time burning books, not reading them. His black shirt and long black hair made him look like a rebel. A gold chain circled his neck. She wondered what hung on it. A cross? Doubtful. He didn’t exactly strike her as the religious type.
“Here’s the title, Mrs…” He squinted at her nametag. “Mrs. Goo… Mrs…Gau..”
“Mrs. Guardian,” she snapped. She snatched the piece of paper he offered out of his hand and peered at the spidery writing. “Call me,” she read slowly. “328-4 – ”
“Other side,” the boy said quickly. He tapped his fingers on her desk impatiently and glared suspiciously at a fat old man who had just waddled through the automatic doors.
What’s he so jumpy about? the librarian wondered, narrowing her eyes slightly.
Carefully, she turned the piece of paper over. “Oh,” she said with some surprise. “You want that book.” She sat there, stunned. No one had asked for that book for… well, ever. So why was this boy looking for it now? “I’m sorry, it’s back in my office at the moment.”
The boy just stood there, as though he were waiting for something.
“What?” the librarian snapped, annoyed.
“Well…” the boy gave her an odd look. “Aren’t you going to go get it, then?”
The librarian cast a considering look at her office door twenty feet away and decided that it wasn’t worth the effort to get up. “Sorry. I’m on my break.” She pointedly picked up her magazine again and made a show of flipping through the glossy pages.
“So you won’t give it to me.” It was more of a statement than a question.
Mrs. Guardian, busy studying a picture of LL Cool J, ignored him.
The boy narrowed his eyes. “Fine. Then I’ll just stand here. Breathing.” He leaned forward uncomfortably close and began wheezing loudly. “In. Out. In. Ou – ”
“Fine!” Mrs. Guardian snapped, her eyes flashing with annoyance. “For Christ’s sake, be quiet already! I’ll get you the stupid book, if that’s what it takes to get you to leave!”
She slammed her magazine down and heaved herself to her feet. She was a fat old lady, with beady gray eyes and hair the color of slush. A long skirt and a drooping brown sweater were as much of a uniform as she would ever wear.
“I guess I’ll go get the book for you,” she told the boy, plainly irritated. Her eyes flickered to his hair. There was something strange about it; something peculiar about the way it fell into his face in dark coils that seemed almost alive. Also, it was almost too black. Maybe he dyed it?
“No, I’ll come,” he said quickly.
The librarian gave him a long look, suddenly suspicious. He seemed out of place among the towering bookshelves, and he was…. edgy. He vaguely reminded her of an alley cat, all tense and ready to pounce at any second. There was something predatory about him. A flicker of unease, a whisper of suspicion, crept into the librarian’s head.
“I suppose… if you want to,” she said uneasily, trying to look nonchalant and failing miserably. She tried to tell herself she was being silly. He was just a boy, after all. Nothing to be afraid of…And even if there was something off about him, so what? They were in a public library, for Christ’s sake! He couldn’t do anything here, not with a bunch of witnesses close by. In fact, there was a stooped little old lady in a red cardigan nearby, browsing through one of the shelves. Not that she would be much help if the boy attacked her…
Her thoughts still racing, the librarian turned and led the way into the cramped office behind the front desk. She was overly aware of his soft footsteps behind her, muffled in the thick beige carpet. He had a strange, prowling stride, like a tiger stalking his prey.
“What happened here?” The boy smirked as they stepped into the office.
His insolent gaze swept the mountain of papers strewn on the lopsided desk and the dusty file cabinets jammed up against all four walls. A heap of books was piled haphazardly on the floor, next to a dingy garbage can that was overflowing with balls of paper and several shriveled up bananas that had as many wrinkles as the librarian. A crooked picture frame hung on the wall over one of the filing cabinets, displaying a large picture of a sleek Siamese cat with a blue collar around its slim neck.
The librarian pointed to the books. “The one you want should be in there,” she lied, well aware that the book the boy wanted was actually stuffed into one of the filing cabinets. Her eyes darted around the room nervously and she began backing towards the door, groping behind her for the doorknob.
The boy rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah,” he muttered, and bent over the pile.
As he bent over, the gold chain dangled off of his neck. It wasn’t decorated with a cross, as the librarian had first thought, but with something else – a clear glass capsule filled with a dark liquid. Ink.
Her heart began to beat faster, spluttering like a squirrel having a seizure. “What’s that?” she asked, as casually as she could. The sight of the capsule brought back a distant memory, a memory filled with fear and desperation. She had once known someone who had worn a chain, just like that... But no... It couldn’t be…
“This? It’s just a necklace,” the boy said evasively. He tucked the chain back under his shirt and bent over the books again. As he did, a strand of his hair seemed to twitch, like a worm after it's been chopped it in half.
There was a moment of silence, and then several things happened in very quick succession. Unsure of what else to do, the librarian grabbed a battered encyclopedia off her desk and flung it at the boy’s head. He dodged it with inhuman grace and laughed, a cold sound that scared Mrs. Guardian more than horror movies or screaming toddlers ever could.
“Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way,” the boy said. His eyes were changing colors, flickering from blue to pitch black and back again. “Give me the book.”
The librarian backed away from the boy. Her hand closed around the cold doorknob. “Never.” The bold two syllables would have sounded defiant, except for the fact that fear made her choke on the word and it came out more like a strangled whisper.
The boy smiled, a cruel, sinister grin that reminded her of a deranged circus clown. “The hard way it is, then.”
His black hair began to writhe and twist on his head. For a moment the librarian thought snakes had sprouted from the boy’s scalp, but then she realized that his hair was melting. It oozed down his face and trickled down his arms in black rivers. Almost like… ink. It pooled at his feet in a black puddle, like a second shadow, then started snaking towards the librarian in dark tendrils.
Mrs. Guardian stopped breathing. How could she have been so stupid? Now that she thought about it, the boy’s real identity had been painfully obvious from the beginning.
“Ink Catcher,” she whispered hoarsely, her suspicions confirmed.
The two enemies stared at each other for a long moment, her eyes filled with fear, his black with menace and a tiny bit of smugness, and then the boy bowed with a cocky little flourish. "At your service.”
All criticism and comments welcome! My inner editor should be out of the hospital in a few days, but in the meantime, he'd appreciate it if you beat this story to death for him![/quote]
Overall I liked it - it was an intriguing idea. At the beginning I thought it was going to go a "Neverending Story" route, but you sent it in a different direction that has me intrigued. Overall, I liked this beginning - in the first couple of paragraphs, I thought that it might not make the best first scene, but I was quickly convinced otherwise! I am very interested in what will happen and I plan on keeping up with it if you keep posting.
That being said... some critique!
I don't like your use of adverbs so frequently - actually, your dialog tags are a little much. Adverbs are fine after some, as are a longer tag, but you had A LOT after everything any character said.
I think you probably overdid it with the comparisons, such as "He had a strange, prowling stride, like a tiger stalking his prey." More than one, I believe, makes reference to cats. While this can be done, I feel like it can be achieved simply with verbs sometimes, rather than a comparison each time. Something along the lines of, "His walk was slinky and powerful," or some such, could work just as well to invoke a feline feeling.
There are also many references to the librarian being old and unattractive, and the boy as being, outwardly at least, an arrogant, goth little brat. While it is soon revealed that all is not as it seems, it might be nice to describe them in other ways.
I hope this feedback helped.
I liked it, definitely something i would like to continue reading, it was well written and smooth but a little more character description and in-depth description in general would do it a whole lot good! keep it up! =)
I loved reading this. If this was published I would buy it in a heart beat.
I really liked your despriction "Heat had melted her mascara and it was smeared all around her eyes, so that she looked like a wrinkly old panda." I personally would have chosen "wrinkled" instead of "wrinkly" though. I really like your despriction of the boy "He looked more like the kind of kid who spent his free time burning books, not reading them." Thats really clever! I like how you foreshadowed in this phrase "A gold chain circled his neck. She wondered what hung on it."
Over all great piece.
Nice! I really did like this! Way to go with the idea, not much think of such things! You wrote plenty of descriptions, *hugging you in a bone crushing hug* THANK YOU. It's about time someone wrote more descriptions! The story itself was great, I enjoyed reading it very very much! It made my stomach twist as if something bad was going to happen [thanks to your descriptions], and yet if this were a book on my shelf I would never hesitate reading the rest as soon as I could. And now, don't think I forgot... reviews:
I wish I could understand the relationship between the librarian and inkcatcher, explain it in the next chapters, will ya?
You wrote "ink" twice, I really don't know how to switch that word, but she sees it in the necklace and then in his hair, saying ink twice as an adjective [yes I am perfectly aware that it is not a real adjective but you still use it to describe something, 'it looked like...' and so on] it's less affective, if you could switch it to some other word I think it could be better.
Send your inner editor a 'get better soon' card, because he really did do a nice job on this one!
It is an interesting prologue and it would surely interest the reader [living proof, me] and I really would love to read the rest.
ofir
Oooo ! I was too engrossed in the story that I couldn't find anything wrong with it!
That was great, and and I love it. :3
Can you PM me when you've written more?
Pleashhhe?
x
Hello, darling! Music- here as requested!
Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:
Language Usage & Writing Style: I liked your choice of words here. You were very descriptive but not too descriptive. A pretty good balance. I have to say, I'd like to see some more thoughts, though.
Imagery & Emotion: I feel that while imagery was probably your strongest department aside from the concept, emotion was your weakest.
It just lacked feeling! I wanted to hear the librarian's thoughts, the reasoning behind her ways. Maybe just add hers and leave the boy's a mystery...
Anyway, I'd like for you to add a bit more emotion and feeling to the story. Why should I care "Ink Catcher" is there? For all I know, the lady's just scared of him because he turns into ink. He might not even be evil. I couldn't tell.
The bottom line is- use emotions to make the reader actually care about what's happening in the story. Otherwise, it loses its meaning.
Characters: I feel that they were very underdeveloped. Use the thoughts I suggested to give hints as to what the boy is and what type of character he is. I'm guessing he's evil, but I could be wrong. I don't know.
Your librarian was more developed, but I'd like to see more of her reactions (especially her internal ones) in the story.
Plot: I thought that with a bit more description, the plot would be a lot easier to follow. I liked what I saw, but it was just a bit sketchy! With revisions, it'll be more enjoyable and overall better.
Overall Impressions: I thought it was a good beginning, my darling! With a little re-working, you'll have a great piece in your hands!
Keep it up, and feel free to PM me with any questions!
Love,
Music
I will do nitpicks, which trust me, there aren't too many, and then I will be more thorough with Characters, Setting, and Overall.
As if? Are we in the Clueless movie? I would get rid of this.
This bugged me since men's hairstyles don't really change that much. (No space between hair and style). Why don't you talk about Katie Holmes or Victoria Beckham, their hairstyles are always changing.
What is the title of the book that she won't lend out? I want to know what the title is. It is driving me crazy!!
I love this description, especially the part about her hair color. I can totally visualize what she looks like.
I laughed at this description, I think it is hilarious but also very unique and creative. I love it.
Characters: I think you did a fantastic job with your character development. I saw a picture of each of your characters in my mind. The librarian feels very real to me. I am very interested about the boy. What is an Ink Catcher? What is his name? What does he look like when his hair melts off? Is he bald or is there still a little bit of fuzz? (Did you mention what he was wearing?) I want more from him, but you can give me this in later chapters.
Setting: I think you did an okay job here, although I personally would have liked more. What does the library sound like? Typically it is pretty quiet, but you can still here the shuffling of people's feet or the flipping of the pages of books. What does the librarian's office smell like? Does she have some leftover lunch in there? I also kind of wanted the office to be a little more hectic. Like give her dusty fake plants, little toy figures on her desk, paperwork littered everywhere, maybe even have some of the filing cabinets with open drawers. And have her trashcan overflowing. That would be awesome! (Of course it is totally up to you).
Overall: I really like your plot idea, I am curious to see where this goes. I think your characters are very realistic, but you could improve the setting. I think the flow is very good. It didn't feel rushed and you didn't drag it out either. I'm not so good at grammar so from what I saw you did good in this department, but I'm not exactly an expert at this. Overall, I think this was fabulous, I can't wait to read more.
I did not find a lot of errors, spelling wise, but I did have one confusion. Was the book he was looking for named Mrs. Guardian or is that the librarian's name? If it was the librarian's name, what was the books title? Otherwise, it was a great story. I thought the boy melting into ink was very suspicious. I would love it if you wrote more to this story. PM me if you need anything.
This was very interseting, and very good. Oh, and bonus points for originality. I've never heard anything like this...and yes I mean that in a good way. The only thing I would recommend was to give the librarian more of a backbone. She dosen't trust the boy so give her more f a defensive edge. That's just my thoughts. Other than that I thought it was great. I'm looking foward to reading more from you.
Actually, you only do that when referring to the dialogue actually said. You can't "lean" dialogue. When you have action and not a signal phrase (y'know, like said, blurted, cried, etc.) you have the full stop and then a capital letter. (:
So... I'll warn that I'm a bit of a harsh critic and tend to pick things apart. >_> I will try to avoid things that people already covered.
I thought that your prologue was pretty well-written. You've got some great voice going for you! :] I do have a few things I want to point out, though.
People is the title of a magazine, so that should be indicated. I'm almost positive that you italicize it. Just don't quote me on that because I'm not entirely sure.
This reads awkwardly to me. I'm not going to tell you how I would've written it, but I sure as heck would rephrase that were I you. It's a bit clunky and seems to bumble along, whereas previous sentences were pretty smooth.
This is a bit of a funny thing to ask. To me, it seems a bit inconsistent. It's summer; doesn't that mean that he's out of school? I suppose that summer school or a summer reading list are both possibilities, but it still strikes me as weird.
...So why's it in the library? :S Maybe it's just me again, but if they won't lend out the book, why bother having it in the first place? *shrugs* If it's a lie to cover her natural bias toward him, you might want to make it more clear. Right now it really strikes me as saying, "Well, yeah, it's in the catalogue, but you can't check it out. What's wrong with you?"
I just want to say that I laughed at the mental image of this. I could totally see this kid looking all innocent and Mrs. Guardian partially hiding behind her magazine, wrinkling her nose. Good job!
The word "the" in red should be capitalized. Since he's not smirking the sentence "What happened here?" it becomes a separate sentence entirely. I think that it would be a little difficult to smirk that.
Also, the use of the word insolent just seemed a little silly. Mostly because I've still got the image of a parodical (I think that’s one of my pretend words… :X) Sunday morning cartoons villain calling everyone "insolent fools." xD There's nothing technically wrong with the word choice, though it did make me snort a little.
Should use the article "a." "An" is only used with words that begin with a vowel or vowel sound. And your simile made me giggle like anything. Really great imagery and funny too.
Your characters had good conflict and contrast. It's easy to imagine the old, celebrity-obsessed librarian with her thick makeup and dowdy clothes, and easier still when you've got this black-clothed kid with a bad attitude entering the scene.
I will admit that I found it a tad cliché. That doesn't mean that it's bad or anything, but the prologue felt typical. Like I'd read it many times before, only with other characters. There's always the mysterious guy with no name that makes the titled character feel uneasy. Then we get the dramatic second-to-last line that declares No-Name's identity. I dunno. It's just a bit reminiscent of a lot of prologues I've read before.
Keep writing. This could get pretty interesting. :3
Hey =]
I just have to say first that the title of this story caught my attention straight away - good job!
So - I'm not really going to nit-pik, mostly because I couldn't spot any other mistakes that haven't already been pointed out.
I liked the idea for this story. It seems really original.
I could really imagine the two characters - looks and personality wise.
I think the piece flowed well and you kept my attention the whole way through.
I'll definitely be looking out for the next part.
Keep up the good writing
xDudettex
Hey! I will be your reviewer today. ^_^
I could not find that many things that were wrong in this... So I guess I have to resort to nitpicks.
Here we go!
I don't like the beginning of this sentence, it seems a bit... juvenile to me. Like in preschool where you would write stories like this:
'The light was bright. It was so bright that it blinded everyone.'
You would add the 'it was so' to prove what you had said before. This is all good but I think this sentence would work better like this:
'Heat had melted her mascara and it was now smeared it all around her eyes, so that she looked like a wrinkly old panda.' Or something along those lines.
I think the capitalised 'that' would be better off in italics.
I'm pretty sure the fullstop after 'breathing' should be a comma, then the first letter of 'he' should not be capitalised.
This is just an opinion, but I think that sentence would be better off as: 'Also, it was almost too black'.
Again, this is an opinion. Wouldn't it be better if 'to back' was changed to 'backing'?
It's 'Britney' not 'Brittany'.
This isn't a nitpick... I loved the ending
Grammar and spelling
I can't find any huge grammatical and spelling mistakes here. Just correct what I pointed out above and it's fine.
Characters
I like how you brought out the librarian's character - very lazy and not helpful etc. Also, I like how you established from the beginning that there was something not quite right about the boy. The way you gave little hints, like the one about how his hair was too black, were great.
The only thing I was not too sure about was the end, the librarian seemed afraid of the boy when she began suspecting he was an ink catcher, but then when her suspicions were confirmed she did not seem so fearful. I think you should show how afraid she was of him a bit more, to establish the ink catcher is not something pleasant.
Overall
This story interested me alot, I enjoyed reading it and have a few questions...
What's an inkcatcher?
Are inkcatchers evil?
What's so special about the book?
Please post more so these questions will be answered
PM me if you have any questions about the review or when you post the next part of the story!
xxmimixx
I liked it and want to read more. You did a great job writing it I think that it catches the attention of the reader well but as ANate145 said it could use quite a bit more detail about the boy. I think you described the librarian well though.
The one spot that I thought you could change was here:
I think that this is kind of out of place due to the fact that she seemed more nervous in the paragraph before and and this seems a little to nonchalant to me. (But that is just me perhaps you meant it in a different way). Anyway keep up the great work and I hope to read more of this.
Good work
Cait
Well I really liked it. What I really want is more character description. When the boy changes into Ink Catcher, describe what Ink Catcher looks like, also why the librarian. You might think I'm crazy, but I would also like it is you added a description to why she was nervous about the boy before she knew he was Ink Catcher. The shift from irritated librarian to scared old woman was a bit abrupt in my opinion. However, I would buy it in a bookstore.