Until Things Are Safe

by MagmaLlama

Published April 23, 2013

12+ Violence

I picked up a small stone from the pebbley river shore and threw it out into the water. I'd been in Kirpe for a week now, and I didn't like it. There was nothing to do. No friends, no pets, just books that I guessed hadn't been read for decades. Before my family and I moved into the old house just outside of the tiny village of Kirpe, I used to have a dog, but he was put down for cancer a few days before we packed our things into the moving truck. I used to have two friends, too, called Coco and Jen, but they decided that I wasn't good enough to hang out with them anymore almost a month before we moved.

So there I was, a lonely teenager in a lonely town in the countryside, tossing pebbles into a river. If you looked up "depressed" in the dictionary, you'd probably find my name, Millie Feilds. I lay back on the grass and closed my eyes, feeling the warm afternoon sun on my face... I found myself waking in the darkness, not realizing that I had fallen asleep, and sat up. It was somewhere around midnight, judging from how high up the moon was in the dark sky. This was bad, this was very much bad. I remember what my mother had said, the first night we'd slept in our new home in Kirpe:

"Things have changed now, Millie. We're not in Polikut anymore, we're in Kirpe. And in Kirpe, we have rules. You don't go out at night, you don't turn on the lights at night, and you have to come back to the house by five. There are horrible things happening, Millie. That's why we have to bolt all the doors shut at night." I had told her that it was stupid at the time, but after a few days I began to appreciate how lucky we were to have a place like ours, out in the country. Leaving our old home in the city of Polikut wasn't too bad, because we recieved news the morning after Mum had spoken those words that Polikut had been bombed, and our old home destroyed. The news wasn't too shocking, we had been expecting something like that. Things like this happened during wars.

I leapt up onto my feet and ran through the shadows along the river towards the footbridge, hoping that the night would conceal me. Then I heard something at made me feel like my blood had turned to ice. Gunshots. I sprinted the last few metres to the bridge, and ran across, forgetting how much noise this would make. I also forgot that you musn't run across the old footbridge, but I was quickly realized my mistake when my foot broke through a plank a plank of wood. More gunshots fired in the night, and I heard screams coming from the direction of the village. As I attempted to pull my foot out of the aperture in the bridge, I realized with dread that my foot was stuck. I saw a figure appraching in the moonlight, and I felt tears rising to my eyes. I didn't want to die, but I knew that what I wanted didn't matter in this war. The figure took the shape of a young man. Carrying a gun.

I screamed, barely hearing the sound escape my mouth. When the soldier reached me, however, he didn't shoot hs gun, though it would've been easy just to kill me there and then. Instead, he broke away the parts of the bridge that were trapping my foot, leaving only a few large splinters in my ankle. He grabbed my hand and pulled me over the side of the footbridge. We landed in the shallows and he dragged my to the little place where the bridge met the shore. He sat me down and looked into my eyes.

"Stay here until things are safe." he told me in a heavily accented voice, though I couldn't put my finger on what sort of accent it was. I nodded my head, and as he leaves I pull my knees up to my chest and bur my face my knees, not knowing if I will live to see the sun again.

Comments & reviews · 4
SilenceofTheBees wrote a review Review · Jul 13, 2018

This was actually a lot better than I expected. I have absolutely zero memory of writing it or why I did, but it's a lot better than any of the poetry on this account and I was actually surprised at some points. No idea why the towns are called Kirpe and Polikut though, the names sound fake and bizarre. It's also pretty unclear what the conflict is, and why it only seems to happen at night.

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KrystaG
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KrystaG wrote a review Review · Apr 23, 2013

This was such an amazing story. The ending really shocked me. It also left me hanging. Do you make it until.morning to see the sun? And why did you all move there if you all knew it was dangerous? I have alot of questions. You should make a second one to answer them. But other than that I. absolutely loved the plot to it. (:

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Carina
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Carina wrote a review Review · Apr 23, 2013

Hey there!

The title of this story caught my eye, so I decided to peek in, and wow, I really loved the main idea of this story. You wrote it out in a suspenseful tone, and I as the reader really enjoyed it.

So, on to the critique.

The beginning was well done. Millie Fields, depressed and lonely teenager, is stuck in the countryside with no friends in boredom. (The sentence "If you looked up 'depressed' in the dictionary, you'd probably find my name, Millie Feilds" made me giggle, by the way.) However, I think the transitional sentence of Millie waking up from a dreadful nap was a little awkward. Maybe if you added a "I suddenly jolted awake" or something like that with a new paragraph, it would flow better.

I liked the whole mom spheal telling Millie to not go out at night, yadda yadda yadda, but when you introduced the whole bomb thing, that really took my by surprise.

Leaving our old home in the city of Polikut wasn't too bad, because we received news the morning after Mum had spoken those words that Polikut had been bombed, and our old home destroyed. The news wasn't too shocking; we had been expecting something like that. Things like this happened during wars.


(The red is just me nitpicking; "received" was spelled incorrectly and the comma was replaced with a semi-colon.)

Let me paint you a picture. You're at your house, enjoying a cup of coffee and a slice of toast with warm music in the background as the sun is rising in the distance, when suddenly you hear a giant explosion, shaking you awake in alarm. What was that? you might ask yourself. You don't even have much time to think as, BOOM, another explosion sounds it's presence as mass destruction encounters the neighborhood, your house and very home you live in tears apart...

I know, I know, I'm really exaggerating—but do you see what I mean? Even if there is a war, I think a bombing would be kind of scary and shocking no matter what...lol, I think I'm more scared of Millie's story than she is.

Anyways!

Your last couple of paragraphs are pretty intense; they're kind of giving me the shivers, actually. You used nice descriptive, sensory wording, and that's pretty impressive, so good job! If I had to give my input, though, I think you could be more detailed.

Third paragraph from the bottom, Millie realized it was nighttime and went off to go to the safety of her home, then the last sentence of the paragraph says she is stuck and sees someone coming after her. Of course, you included everything that happened: the gunshots, the horrifying mental alarm to run away, the clumsy steps, the bridge encasing her foot, the dread, the tears, the sight of the man with the gun. A lot of stuff happened, and it can definitely be broken down into two paragraphs instead of one.

It's the same thing with the next paragraph. Everything was listed out, but where are the details? How are they feeling? Was her heart racing beyond control? Was her head spinning? Was the air biting her skin? Was the man's touch cool and icy, or warm and inviting? What did he look like? Was he scary and burly, or scrawny and mousy? What were his eyes like? Were they as hard as cement, or blue and as deep as an ocean? These are just some examples of more details.

Overall, I enjoyed this short story. It gives me another perspective in things and it made me delve into a whole new different situation and time. There were a couple grammatical errors (one of them is going into second person and saying "you"), misspellings, and typos, but since it's just nitpicking, I'll only go into it if you request it.

Good job, and keep writing! I'd love to read more of your works. :]

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Chuck10931
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Chuck10931 commented Comment · Apr 23, 2013

Wow



You are all the colours in one, at full brightness.
— Jennifer Niven, 'All the Bright Places'