Note: This is part two of a story I am working on. Read that one before this to enjoy FULL READING EXPERIENCE!!!
Lily sat with her painting on the seat beside her. On her other side, Sophie was sitting with her own picture on her lap. Although Lily would never admit it, she really liked Sophie's painting, perhaps even more than her own. It was a detailed close-up of some magnolia blossoms with several dew drops on them. Lily's picture, however, was a portrait of their friend Zoe. Zoe was extremely pretty, with black hair and eyes like the ocean. The picture was very well painted, and captured Zoe's sharp, intelligent personality perfectly. Lily was excited. There were all sorts of prizes, including prize money and three places in an art school. Lily was sure that with their incredible paintings, he two were sure to win something! Looking over at Sophie, she saw her own feelings reflected on her friend's face. They heard the bus approaching, and Lily was so happy that she stood and punched the air with joy. She picked up her painting and she and Sophie stepped closer to the curb. All of a sudden, three boys who looked around six to nine years old dashed past them, pushing them forwards, towards the road. A woman who looked as if she might be the boys' mother hurried after them, but the girls didn't care one bit about her. They cared about their paintings. It all happened in slow motion. They lurched forward as the kids pushed them towards the road in their hurry, and the girls bareley managed to save themselves from becoming human pancakes under the heavy wheels of the bus, let alone save their pictures. Their masterpieces, products of hours of har work and concerntration , were crushed beneath the wheels of the bus that the girls had been so happy to see. The doors opened, but Lily and Sophie didn't enter. They just sat, staring at the splintered frames and ripped canvases that remained left of their beautiful pictures.
"You know what?" said Lily, slowly."I think that this bus stop hates us."
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140,268 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Hi there!
Well, I read the previos chapter and this, and I wanted to ask whether you were trying to make this sound a little not so serious? I am getting that vibe from the style. But if you are trying to be serious, then I would suggest some more drama and emotion into their words and action so that the reader can understand what you're trying to convey.
I'm a little confused though, since you said the bus crashed in the previous chapter; and now it arrives with broken paintings?
I find the chronology a bit confusing, so you need to work on that.
And, I feel like you can work on your descriptions some more. Try to give the reader a sense of time while describing your story, the surrounding etc.
Keep writing!
Cheers!
I read both of your chapters and they never failed to crack me up laughing. I really like this chapter and I think your writing style is fantastic! However, there's always room for improvements.
The first paragraph could be broken up into smaller paragraphs which would make it easier to read. I think it's too long and that a lot of readers would skim past it and straight onto the next paragraph instead. Also, I think you could fit in more description of the two characters' feelings and of their actions.
Other than that, I really like it! I can't wait for the next chapter to come out!
Thanks for the awesome review! You're right about that first paragraph, I need to fix that...