The Bus Stop Chronicles! Part 1

Okay, in the spirit of review day, I'll be reviewing this short story for Team Orange.

It seems like other reviewers have covered the technical stuff like spelling mistakes and whatever. I'm going to get a bit more literary in my review.

This piece has no drama. You've classified it as a dramatic piece, which makes it doubly essential that it's dramatic, but my main point is that there's no build up. The characters are flat and uninteresting, it's far too short for you to have had the room to actually make the bus crash important. And, actually, I think that all a person needs to do is read the title in order to get the full feel of exactly what this story is about. That's not good. That's the exact opposite of what you want. You want someone to get here, read this story, and feel like they've gained something.

How can we fix it?

My first tip would be to develop your characters much more. This art thing is important, right? Make us feel its importance. So, let's say that this contest is important to Lily. Why? Is there prize money? What would she do with the money? Is there exposure in the art scene? How? Why is that important? Why does Lily care so much about being in this contest? And what about Sophie? Is she entering, too? Are they entering together? Are they in competition with one another? Is Lily conflicted by being being in competition with her friend?

Work all of that stuff out. Give the characters depth. In doing that, you make the story more interesting, and you make it deeper and more significant as a piece (that is, we're starting to make it not so boring). The next thing to do is to explain the significance of the bus crash.

How common do bus crashes happen? Is it something that happens a lot? Or, is it something that only happens in the most extreme of circumstances? I don't know about your area, so you'd want to research that, but bus crashes aren't common at all where I live. You can build the drama by making it seem like it's a rare occurrence that has a deep impact on the characters.

Next, this is a bus crash where lives are being put in jeopardy. Are you going to focus on how these two girls react, or the larger scheme of things? Let's say you just do the former. You're going to need to actually explain their reaction. You can't cut a story off in the middle the way you have. It's unfulfilling and frustrating, and it does nothing to prove your writing abilities. Maybe it seems more dramatic to you to do that, but it just enraged me. Does Lily cry? How much does this mess up their art show? Are they affected by how bad the crash was? Do they feel selfish for relying on something so much when it has crashed? Make the characters feel something, and then maybe the reader will feel something, too. Then, you might have an interesting story on your hands.

The final thing I'll say is: don't get into the habit of describing your characters in lists. In fact, I'd say you should avoid describing your characters much at all. Let those things develop over time. Creating lists of character traits in a story is not character development, and it shouldn't be confused for such. How often do you see it in published, edited stories? Never. It's insulting to the imagination of the reader for you to cultivate a cut-out of your characters for them to passively accept. If your character is a book worm, let us figure that out for ourselves. Athletic? Same thing. Don't tell us. Telling us information like that doesn't help us develop a relationship with the characters. In short: the reader won't care. Your characters should have a life of their own. You're not describing a picture on your wall. You're exploring a world, and taking us with you. Okay? So, don't ever list character traits. Ever.

Hopefully, you take some of this advice. This was a good idea for a short story, I think you're not doing yourself a justice to leave this piece as is.

Good luck.

"Beside her, her best friend"

Howdy Mag! Dogs here wit your review today. Okey dokey, quick note here: In this line the "her her" right next to each other sounds really odd. Perhaps saying something more like: "Beside her stood Sofie, her best friend."

"were meant to be going to"

Try to omit all useless words whenever you can. Perhaps say something more like: "were suppose to be at.."

"competition there, but their bus was taking FOREVER"

A couple notes here. Firstly, it should be "and" instead of "but" here. Secondly, I would suggest that you not put "forever" in caps because it really draws far too much attention to the word, and it sounds a little off.

Now I like your reaction you make Sofie do, it resonates well with the reader and makes us really wonder whats happened. Although, I would be careful of how many times you start the sentence with "she, Lily, and Sofie." You're usually pretty good on that in your writing, but it'll make it sound choppy at times. I do really love your ending, it makes a great punch line, although draw it out a little more. Have the girls observe the surroundings a little more. Whats the weather like? are they by a busy road? Is it by the ocean or a forest, or both? Is it in a neighborhood. Is it a public bus or school bus? Explain and explore these a little more.

All and all a lovely start with lots of potential. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Animal is here to save the world review...

Beside her, her best friend, Sophie, was on the phone trying to find out what had happend to their bus. It was forty-five minutes late. The girls were meant to be going to Grasston Art Centre, to enter their paintings in an art competition there, but their paintings in an art comptition there, but their bus was taking FOREVER to arrive.

...their friend Susan's boyfriend's brother's best friend's lab partner's boyfriend's nine-year-old brother's pen pal's father ran the company...