Published August 7, 2013
Every day
I make my lonely way,
Along these cracked concrete paths.
Walking home
On my own,
Coming back from school.
I make haste,
Pretend it's a race,
But every day I race alone.
Many people, I see each day but never really meet,
Because they dare not interrupt my restless walking feet.
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140,078 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
hey!
your poem is not bad at all! it's short and sweet poem. very mellifluous, rhythm is fair.....but i know you will improve. the way you have introduced your stuff in this poem is brilliant and you really deserve good comments on this. but where you should really need to work is your length....you should describe little more about your journey and walk......few more lines will make this poem exceptionally good. i hope you will know all this.
overall great attempt......and very nice poem.
good job! keep writing!
Simple and lucid. Rhyming is also okay. So, is the ethos behind it. In my opinion, it's a cute little poem.
it is a lovely poem
I personally thought that your rhyming was fine
Your poem flowed quite well because it feels like it's meant to express loneliness, which every 3rd line REALLY emphasises with that line not rhyming.
I think that there should be a full stop after the "race" below. It adds to the loneliness of racing alone
"I make haste,
Pretend it's a race,
But every day I race alone."
Other than that I loved your poem, you may want to consider making it longer, it feels like it could stand a few more stanzas
This is a lovely little poem you have here! :3
I will say that the rhyming does sound very forced, though. Not all poems have to rhyme, if you feel like it isn't natural to make the poem rhyme, you can always try to establish a rhythm another way. Or, if you want to use the rhyme, try out different rhyme schemes. Instead of using AABB like you seem to have used here, try maybe using ABCA or ABAB.
If you don't know what rhyme schemes are (because that would have been very confusing to you if you don't) they have to do with the lines that rhyme in the stanzas of a poem.
AABB means that the lines are paired in twos. If you had four lines, the first two would rhyme with each other and the second two would rhyme with each other.
If you were to use ABCA (this is the one I normally end up using) and you had four lines it would mean that out of four lines, only two of them (the first line and fourth line) would rhyme with each other. The other two lines (the second and third) would be independent and without intentional rhymes.
If the problem is just that you do not know a variety of words to rhyme with, try a random generator. There are many of them online that would be able to help you out. If I'm stuck I normally use http://www.rhymezone.com/. You could also try playing scrabble or word with friends to improve on you vocabulary so that rhyming won't be as hard.
I hope to see more work from you soon!
~ 221B