Never Can You Fix Me

Hey.

First off, I think the line "It doesn't mean you to forget." wasn't correct. It's just not correct language-wise.

Secondly, "All the pain that has cost you all." maybe this was also incorrect. Language problem again. It does not fit into the stanza.

"The sadness that engulfs me makes me tear" woah. same.

"Tears apart the me you may have come to know

Slowly killing me you won't even say simple hello" You need to work on your language. REALLY.

Anyways, good poem,

Keep writing and stay blessed.

xoxo

I really enjoyed this. Some things are happening in my life right now and this is exactly what I was looking for to describe how I feel. Continue to write! You're really good at it.

Hi Maggie (love your name, by the way)~

The theme you've used here throughout your poem—the idea that one cannot change their past or undo what has been done, and then that falling in and out of love can cause much destruction to those involved—is slightly cliche. This same idea has been presented in so many different ways that if you don't make yours stand out, than it kind of gets lost amongst the chaos, you know? You have to put a little umph in it, a little something special, and I feel that with more time, you can accomplish that through this piece.

As your poem continues on, you basically describe an average situation. That's okay; some of the greatest poems describe everyday instances. But you don't have any figurative language, intense imagery, or personalization to make it YOUR story. Right now, this poem is something anybody who has been through the experience you describe can physically put on paper. Here; since it would be entirely unfair to be putting this on your shoulders without examples or explanation, I'll help you through it. Deal?

"It happened.
It passed.
And there's no going back.
You can't change the fact
That you're hurting so bad."

Being entirely honest here; this is the best rhyming your poem has, in the first stanza. Do you feel like the rhyme pattern is constricting you, so much so that it's suffocating your words? It's okay; poetry doesn't have to rhyme. As all of your reviewers before me have already pointed out, sometimes free verse is better than rhyming poetry, especially due to the fact that it gives you so much more room for metaphors, and a less rigid type of flow. This also gives you room to make the poem your own. Am I scaring you? Haha, don't worry. Okay, so basically I'm gonna give you an example of how you can change your first stanza from a prose-like structure to have a more poetic feel. In the brackets, I'll explain what I'm doing.

"What you'd done has long since passed,
Yet your nails cling to ropes of false hope [using the metaphor of the ropes to symbolize the ability to fix what has already been done]
Clawing at fraying twine [shows that he's desperate and in pain]
But the ropes are shorter
Than they used to be." [basically indicates there's no going back and he can't fix what he's done]

It's sort of hard to see through the brackets. And before you continue reading the rest of this review, I just want you to know I'm not exploiting all of your flaws and going on and on about how you're poetry is terrible, because your poem is far from sucking, believe me. I'm only going through this for you because, one, I think you (in joining YWS) want to make yourself a better writer and two, I think you have some serious potential behind this poem. And these are all just suggestions; if you don't want to take them, it's cool with me.

So, anyway, that was what I meant by utilizing metaphors in your poetry to further develop your idea. Now I'll show you about personalizing. Obviously I don't know you personally, but I'll give you an example.

Instead of:

"Tears apart the me you may have come to know
Slowly killing me you won't even say simple hello"

You could try:

"Tears me into feathers that drift from the ceiling
Like that pillow fight we had ages ago.
You thought you won that, too."

I don't know, I sort of threw out the part about the "hello". Which, if you wanted to incorporate that, than you could, but I'm not going to bore you. But you see what I mean about personalizing? I mean, obviously I don't know if the narrator and his/her significant other actually had a pillow fight, but you would be able to alter the specific events to your personal experiences.

The last thing I'm going to note on; as a writer, you strive to make your reader feel what you're feeling when you write the poem, or story, or whatever you're writing. So make them feel it. What does it feel like to be broken? Does it feel like there are shards of glass piercing your chest? Does it feel like there's a weight in your stomach? Are you choking on your words? Is the air of rejection so unbreathable, that you are suffocating in a pool of loneliness? Don't tell me, show me.

"I lay there shattered on the ground
Pieces of my heart never to be found."

This is so beautiful. Your ending is by far the most powerful aspect of your poem. I also think your title is ingenious. It's these things that show me your poem has potential. After you feel like you've included everything you want in your poem, then you can figure out the rhyming pattern you want to use through word changes, etc. (if you still have the desire to rhyme in your poem). But other than that, I think that the only thing you have to worry about is being cautious when it comes to punctuation and grammar.

All right Maggie, that's probably all. I'm sorry if I've scrutinized too much or bored you—I just wanted to help and encourage you to write more. You have excellent potential, and I look forward to hearing from you around the site! I wish you the best of luck.

Yours,
Savvy

Hello!

One quick thing I'd like to say is that I personally appreciate that you capitalize every line and use punctuation. Yet, at the end, you stop using periods all together, and there are some places throughout that really need commas.
There are also a few lines that don't flow or make sense. Some examples of these are:
"It doesn't mean you to forget."
"At least then you wouldn't have to recall
All the pain that has cost you all."
"Are now just an empty hollow feel"
I totally understand wanting to rhyme. Rhyming helps the flow a ton, but it should never sacrifice if it makes sense.

There are, like previously mentioned, a few places that need commas. I'm gonna paste those lines and put the commas in where they need to be in parenthesis, if you don't mind.
"It can love, feel(,) and endure"
"The emptiness without you(,) dear"
"Slowly killing me(,) you won't even say simple hello"

This is a really good poem! I could relate to it, and I could really feel your pain. I experience your thoughts and pains with you, and that's what a poem should do.
Awesome job!
-Pendr

Greetings, Maggie Smile! Your favorite neighbourhood wizard here for a review.

First and foremost I have to comment on the punctuation of your poem. Although this is a nice poem, you do not have to add a full stop at the end of each second line. It gives the piece a very sticky rhythm; stopping the rhythm just as it starts to flow, etc. I would consider revising that.
It does work in some cases however. Like in the next few lines, you can maybe change it to an ellipsis, but a lone full stop could also work.

And there's no going back.

Pieces of my heart never to be found.

It doesn't mean you have to forget.

Your heart is made of something more

Whilst this did tickle my heart with the story laced through it, I feel like the rhythm and the rhyme are a little forced. Poems do not have to rhyme and are sometimes better with a little heart before anything else. Other than that, I really enjoyed the idea and effort put into it - not too long, not too short. I really enjoyed how you started it off as it pretty much summed up what was to come for the reader to enjoy. One last small thing is that the lines do not need to be capatilised unless necessary. Not much to be said about this other than it was a good story well done. -Marshymallow