The clink of glasses and drunken chatter filled my ears. I was in a slightly dodgy pub waiting, I had been waiting for hours. I tried to halt the revolt of my thoughts by focusing on taking another sip of my cold, bitter coffee. However, the coffee did nothing to slow down the chaos of my mind and memories started flashing – loneliness, loss, crime… My thoughts crashed there and then by proceeding to fumble back to the day I came home and there was not anyone there.
It was a perfectly normal day, but they do always say there is calm before the storm. I ran into the house expecting to see my older sister in the kitchen, talking to my mom as she made lunch. To my surprise however, the house was filled with silence – nothing stirred. Everything was left as if my entire family had paused midway through what they were doing and vanished. I realize now that, as my stomach sank with unease and the wall of silence hit me, I should have turned around and ran. Instead I started searching the house.
Every room in the house looked exactly as it should have, all except my father’s study. There were papers scattered everywhere – magazine articles, newspaper clippings and even crime reports. When I started paging through them words started popping out at me – “crime”, “robberies” and most frequently “mob organization”- I sat in disbelief - none of my family had ever mentioned any of this before, why did not I know about this? The uneasy feeling seemed to be journeying its way through every part of me, when suddenly, realization dawned. My entire family were criminals. It was the only explanation for all the papers and it did explain a lot about my family’s obsessions over safety, family, newspapers and guns… It was all starting to make sense.
Three months later on May 17th I decided to leave. I had scoured through books, reports, and anything else I could get my hands on to try and explain my family’s disappearance and I had gotten more than I had bargained for. My dad was a mob boss and my mother and sister were his “right hand men.” I found this out once I had reported them missing to the police. I was going to follow the rumours that followed my family wherever they went. I only packed a few things, I had sold everything else I owned for the money needed for the trip.
My reflection of the day I left stopped and I glanced back up at my surroundings as my thoughts returned to normal. A year later and I am still looking for them and the rumours have never stopped. Therefore, I created my own rumours to try and get my sister to meet me and I had been waiting for hours. I started packing up my things, yet as I did my eyes rose to see my sister sliding into the chair in front of me.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hello Magenta, Cheetah here to review your piece!
I really like your style! It's honest and direct and doesn't leave us wondering about anything for long.
The one exception is this paragraph. I'm warning you now, I may be a little harsh, although I'll try not to.
Slow down a little here. Take it one step at a time. I've bolded parts that describe her thoughts. Instead of having a lot of those, have a couple and then make her actual thoughts the main focus.
Another thing I would suggest is making it a little clearer that she's thinking back. Since the story itself is also in past tense, it was a bit confusing when events were happening. Maybe say 'It had been a perfectly normal day' rather than 'It was a perfectly normal day' so we automatically adjust to the new setting.
Other than those two things I really enjoyed this and I definitely want to read more! Thank you for sharing and keep writing!
Thanks so much, oh I see what you're saying and you're completely correct, I'll definitely look at that. I think extending her thoughts will definitely help understand the character better. Thanks x
You're welcome! Glad I could help.
Hi
I definitely think that your first paragraphs would be catchier if you varied your sentence structure. Currently they're all about the same length and make the narrative seem a bit choppy. In addition, using stronger verbs (instead of ran or talking) would help. Also you could incorporate the flash back more fluently by showing us more emotion from your narrator. We can see what your protagonist is doing but we can't see how they are doing it or how they felt. Help the readers connect to your character.
It's a bit hard to understand how your narrator reaches the sudden conclusion about the family being criminals. Perhaps you can incorporate it more easily. Still, give us more about how the character feels in this moment.
Even though the backstory is necessary here, try not to give it all at the same time. You move really fast through your story, especially when you explain how each member of the family is involved in crime. The story is good, but expanding it would definitely make it really interesting and help you to make it more exciting. Keep working on it! You definitely are setting up for an excellent story.
I understand completely what you're saying, and when editing it I'll make sure to keep that in mind(: Thanks for the input.
First paragraph is very dodgy and doesn't grab my attention. It isn't very solid, and then halfway through it switches to an entirely different paragraph. Newspaper clippings aren't supportive evidence, and having guns and being protective isn't a reason either. Describe the extremity of this family - do they have secret compartments all over the house? Stuff like that. Why didn't this person call 911, which would be a normal reaction? Maybe hire a private detective? This person doesn't seem like they'd have the knowledge and expertise to launch a search like that on their own before his/her family disappeared. How would this person support him/herself for three long months without their parents or any major income? You skip a lot of information, and it comes off as halfhearted.
~Craz
Those are fairly good points, I'll try to build the tension more and to make my protagonist more understood. Elaborating on the background would make more sense, I agree. Thanks for the honest criticism.