z

Young Writers Society



Ghosted [Chapter 2.1]

by Mageheart


word count: 1232

Chapter 2

Van

Theo and I tumbled into the darkness below.

There was nothing to grab onto as we fell; nothing could slow us down. Even if there had been something to grab, our hands were so wet from the downpour that we probably wouldn’t been able to get a grip. 

I wasn’t sure how long we were falling. I knew it couldn’t have been all that long, but it felt like it lasted an eternity. There was something about not knowing what was waiting for us at the very bottom that made me wish the fall would never end.

But then we landed on cold, hard stone in a tangled mess of limbs, mud, and rain pouring down from the opening up above us.

I let out a low groan as I tried to get myself free. Theo, still stunned by the fall, took a little bit longer to realize how much of a mess we were in. After some scrambling, pushing on my part, and fumbling for a phone to use as a source of light, the two of us finally managed to get to our feet again.

I looked at where we had fallen.

A stone corridor, its ceiling supported by spiraling stone pillars, stretched out before us. When Theo held his phone’s flashlight up, I could just barely make out a door at the end of the darkness. But it barely held my gaze. Instead, I found myself staring, transfixed, at the spirals holding up the ceiling. They felt familiar, but I couldn’t figure out how. My gaze shifted. I couldn’t help but catch a glimpse of hieroglyphic-esque designs carved onto the walls.

My hand hovered over a carving of two men standing face-to-face: the first bowing his head, and the second extending an almost cartoonish drawing of a heart.

I was suddenly blinded by a flash of light.

I spun around, fire in my eyes as I gave Theo and his flashlight an accusing look. “What was that for?” I demanded.

“I was trying to call your name for the past minute,” he said, lowering the phone. “You wouldn’t look away from the wall. You didn’t even react when I tried shaking your shoulder.”

I glanced back at the design. “I barely looked at it.”

“You looked at it for almost five minutes,” he argued.

I rolled my eyes. Before he could interrupt me further, I stretched my hand out and pressed my palm against the carving. I didn’t know why I did it then; it just felt like the right thing to do. Warmth - and light - immediately flooded the corridor as the carvings began to glow an eerie light blue.

Theo took a step back.

Hand gliding across the surface of the carvings, I started walking down the corridor. My boots clicked against the worn stone floor. I was halfway towards the door at the very end of the corridor when I realized I could only hear one set of footsteps. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw Theo was still lingering near the hole we had fallen through.

“I’m not sure we should be going towards that door,” Theo pointed out. “We don’t know what any of these carvings mean.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You think it’s cursed or something?”

“Or has some kind of trap,” Theo clarified. I didn’t see much of a difference, but he must have thought the distinction was important to make.

I glanced back at the door.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I asked. I pulled my hand away from the wall and started walking towards the end of the corridor again. “We’re already dead.”

Theo, naturally, didn’t have a good reply for that. Giving a smirk he could no longer see, I finally reached the door. I rested my hand on the metal doorknob and gave it a squeeze. Just as the door’s spirals started to glow, I heard Theo rush over to my side.

The door was old; it gave a loud, resounding creak as the two of us pressed our hands against it. It was so noisy that whatever was in the room scurried off deeper into the inky darkness. I squinted to make out the scurrying’s source (and tried to ignore the disgusted, fearful expression that flickered across Theo’s face) but it was too dark to make out anything more than a few feet in front of me.

I reached a hand out for the wall again. If I was lucky, the same thing that had turned the lights back on in the corridor would turn on the lights here.

“You shouldn’t do that,” Theo said from beside me.

I stared back at him, hand still trying to find the wall. “I’m trying to help us see.”

“You don’t know what you might touch. Let’s use my phone’s flashlight instead,” he insisted. He held up the phone for emphasis, but it decided to eerily start flickering instead. At first, I thought it was just his battery going. But Theo looked so terrified when the light suddenly shut off that I couldn’t help but stop my searching.

“What?” I demanded.

He slowly looked over at me.

“...I charged my phone this morning,” Theo whispered.

“So?” I said. “Maybe its battery got killed with us.”

He shook his head. Crossing my arms, I waited for an explanation. Theo didn’t say anything. He just held up his phone in front of my face and showed me the screen. It took me a second to see what he was trying to show, but then I caught a glimpse of the battery icon in the corner.

It was an almost full battery.

...On a completely new phone.

“So you’re having technical issues,” I said. “Big deal. The phone shouldn’t even be with us in the first place, so we should be thankful it lasted as long as it did.”

Theo peered into the darkness. “What if it’s a…”

He faltered, teeth chattering.

“A ghost?” I finished, scoffing. My fingertips were starting to hurt a little, but I didn’t think much of it. “Don’t be stupid. We’re ghosts. Or almost ghosts, anyways. It’s not like we have to worry about other dead people-”

My breath was forming in the air.

I had thought Theo was just getting scared for no reason, but if his teeth were chattering and I could see my breath, then…

This was a ghost.

But I couldn’t see a ghost with the room like this, and it certainly wasn’t talking. I moved a little closer to Theo, hoping to shield the ghost from him and him from the ghost. As I scanned the darkness once more for some kind of hint, I felt a hand grab onto my arm.

I spun around to see Theo tightly gripping my forearm. His grasp was so tight that I could feel his shaking fingers digging into my skin. The other hand was pointing just right behind me. I hadn’t told Theo about the creepier of the ghosts - the ones that were pale imitations of who they had been when they were alive. If he was this terrified and the ghost was this silent, it had to be one of those guys.

I slowly turned.

There was a person made of shadows right behind me.

And when I wildly looked back at Theo, there was one behind him, too.


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Wed Mar 10, 2021 9:46 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



I'm back! It's much easier to keep track of this when reading in one go, but perhaps in future chapters you could pop a quick spoiler of what's just happened up at the top? Not compulsory of course but it helps people like me who read too many novels and can't remember what's happening in which one xD

There was nothing to grab onto as we fell; nothing could slow us down. Even if there had been something to grab, our hands were so wet from the downpour that we probably wouldn’t been able to get a grip.

I feel like a little more tension could be included here. Van's PoV makes this all seem very matter of fact but perhaps you could capitalise on the darkness and the rushing of wind past his ears (if there even is wind down there). The description in this and the next paragraph work well, but it misses the urgency/fear element a little.

When Theo held his phone’s flashlight up, I could just barely make out a door at the end of the darkness.

He still has his phone? How does that even work? Presumably he can't call anyone because he's dead but... will it ever run out of battery?

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I asked. I pulled my hand away from the wall and started walking towards the end of the corridor again. “We’re already dead.”

He sounds pretty sure for someone who is having everything he thought he knew about ghosts thrown into question.

...On a completely new phone.

I don't quite get why he's so surprised by this one.

There was a person made of shadows right behind me.

And when I wildly looked back at Theo, there was one behind him, too.

Oh wow another cliffhanger! You sure know how to end a post ;)#

Hope some of these comments are helping!

Icy




Mageheart says...


Hi Icy!

This is very much belated, but I wanted to reply to your reviews.

It's much easier to keep track of this when reading in one go, but perhaps in future chapters you could pop a quick spoiler of what's just happened up at the top?


I can definitely do that! I think I planned on doing that the next time I posted a novel on YWS, but completely forgot about that idea once I started posting this one. I'd be happy to give a summary at the start of each section. :)

I feel like a little more tension could be included here. Van's PoV makes this all seem very matter of fact but perhaps you could capitalise on the darkness and the rushing of wind past his ears (if there even is wind down there). The description in this and the next paragraph work well, but it misses the urgency/fear element a little.


Thanks for the suggestion! I had a problem with pacing in an older novel, so I was worried I'd drag the scene out too long. I'll definitely build the tension here in my next draft! :)

He still has his phone? How does that even work? Presumably he can't call anyone because he's dead but... will it ever run out of battery?


Good question! It probably would run out of battery someday. :)

He sounds pretty sure for someone who is having everything he thought he knew about ghosts thrown into question.


Yup. :P

I don't quite get why he's so surprised by this one.


I need to explain this more, but Van was surprised because a new phone wouldn't die so quickly - it shouldn't have any technical problems that would suddenly shut it off.

Oh wow another cliffhanger! You sure know how to end a post


Thanks! Your comments definitely are helping. :)



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Sun Feb 28, 2021 8:14 pm
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Spearmint wrote a review...



Hey, Spearmint here for a review! Getting right to it...

A stone corridor, its ceiling supported by spiraling stone pillars, stretched out before us. When Theo held his phone’s flashlight up, I could just barely make out a door at the end of the darkness. But it barely held my gaze.

Ooh nice description here, especially the "spiraling stone pillars" part! As a reader, I'm definitely intrigued by what might be behind that door...
Just a quick wording suggestion-- you repeat the word "barely" twice here. I think it would work better if you changed one of them to "hardly" or something?
Okay, moving on:
I was halfway towards the door at the very end of the corridor when I realized I could only hear one set of footsteps.

Yesss Van's gonna check out that door! One tiny thing, the phrase "one set of footsteps" was a little unclear to me at first, because I was confused about whether that "one set" included Van's footsteps or not. Perhaps you could clarify it to be like, "one set of footsteps: my own"? This might be just me though, the change is totally optional of course!
“What’s the worst that could happen?”

Ohh it gives me the chills whenever a character says that-- it's almost always an indicator that something bad's gonna happen... 0.0
There was a person made of shadows right behind me.
And when I wildly looked back at Theo, there was one behind him, too.

There it is! What have Van and Theo got themselves into now? ;)

Overall, this was an excellent start to the second chapter, with a great cliffhanger too. I'm excited to read what happens next!




Mageheart says...


Hi Spearmint! Thank you for your review. <3

Thanks for catching that additional "barely"! It completely slipped past me when I was rereading this chapter right before posting, so I'm really glad you caught it. And I'm glad you liked the pillar description!

Clarifying the footsteps sounds like a great idea. :) It's really easy to get in Van's head when I'm writing, so I needed the reminder that the reader can't automatically view it the same way the writer can. Let me know if you ever catch anything else that needs some extra clarification!

"What's the worst that can happen?" is hands down one of my favorite dialogue tropes - it came from the series that Van was inspired by, and it just felt right paying homage to it here. c:

Thank you again for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed this first part of the chapter~



Spearmint says...


Of course! ^-^ These chapters are super fun, and it's a pleasure to review them!
Just curious, what series was Van inspired by (if you don't mind sharing)?



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Sun Feb 28, 2021 4:34 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Magebird,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

There was something about not knowing what was waiting for us at the very bottom that made me wish the fall would never end.


I like this sentence. The first thing that came to my mind was the fear of something new and / or the efar of the unkown. But at the same time the quote from someone (no idea who) who said it's not the fall that's bad, it's the impact or something, was coming to my head. It's also one of those brief moments where you realise that Van himself is a little scared and not sure what's coming.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I asked. I pulled my hand away from the wall and started walking towards the end of the corridor again. “We’re already dead.”


Van hit the nail on the head. At the same time, it makes me wonder what is worse than death. But I think that´s more a question for philosophy classes.

I really liked the way you described the room below with the columns and the signs. It was easy to put yourself in the room.
I like the way Theo Van fades in with the mobile phone light because he looks at the drawings on the wall for a while and gets lost in his thoughts. You could already read it a bit in the previous parts that Van is someone who strongly analyses his environment and tries to describe everything. Here, too, it is well portrayed.

“So?” I said. “Maybe its battery got killed with us.”


Do I detect a little humour here?

Again, I was not disappointed to continue reading the story. You build up an interesting, exciting novel. The dynamic between Van and Theo has improved since last time. Van doesn't act like he knows more than he does and has to show off and still keeps a calm head even after Theo holds him tightly by the arm. I really like his personality.
It's these little nuances that make Van in particular seem very alive. (Maybe pun intended) :D In general, you keep your own style, which I like a lot over the chapters.

I'm off to read the second part right now! :)

Mailice.




Mageheart says...


Hi Mailice! Thank you so much for your review. I've been trying to send a reply to it for the past ten minutes, but it's not loading for some reason. >> I apologize in advance for any spam you might get once I finally get it to send.

But I'm really glad you enjoyed this chapter!



Mageheart says...


The reply still isn't being posted, so I'll just PM it to you and try to figure out what went wrong when I reply to your next review. :)




Your hesitation suggests you are trying to protect my feelings. However, since I have none, I would prefer you to be honest. An artist's growth depends upon accurate feedback.
— LCDR Data