This excerpt was written by my gf! I told her she couldn't & I believe she did it! What do you guys think?
Concentrate & relax. Those words were whispering in my mind. Mallor quickly moved his hands over the loom. He paused and wiped sweat from his brow and moved his string black hair out of his face.
"Only five more and I can go." he muttered. Mallor took a deep breath and started again. Pale dainty hands moved fast, strings of lights comeing forth and positioning themselves on the loom. They blazed brightly, erratic in their loom movements "Be still!" he yelled. The light stream ceased and dimmed a bit. Ah, he forget must be gentle to the light or they would disappear. He closed his eyes and bought his hands over his head; chanting:
Moonlight; Sunlight; bring it forth with all your might!
A sun shaped gem shone and shook and the light streams blazed brighter than ever! "Yes!" Mallor exclaimed. The light shaped itself into five beautiful woven bracelets. Satisfied Mallor gathered them and hid them in his cloak and rushed out of his work room.
This story is confusing, but interesting. Maybe you could change the wording around a bit or give us more description. Who is Mallor? What are these gems? Will he use them for good or evil? This is really short too. With more effort you could have a short story down.
Keep on writing
-Ryanx
Hey, Mage. Antigone, here as requested.
Well, it looks as though all of the nitpicks have already been taken, so I will do an overall, yes?
First of all, tell your girlfriend to get a YWS account and post her own work. :] We always love new members!
But! on with the critique and such...
I did not particuarly like this, sorry. It's a bit short to get an actual feel for the writing, but I still feel this could be greatly improved. What kills this is a total lack of character description and a vagueness in the writing. So, this guy is working. But why should I care?
That's kind of the fundamental question you should answer when introducing a character:
Why should I care about them?
Don't just tell me he's frustrated, show me that he is, through his thoughts, through his feelings...
Some of the grammar in here was a little sketchy as well. There were sentences in here where I had absolutely no idea what you were trying to say. Review your knowlege of commas and such, because you don't use them where you should. Also, remember to keep your tenses consistent -- you flit between past and present tense.
Happy editing,
Antigone
Concentrate & relax
Those words were whispering in my mind.
Mallor quickly moved his hands over the loom. He paused and wiped sweat from his brow and moved his string black hair out of his face.
"Only five more and I can go." he muttered.
Pale dainty hands moved fast, strings of lights comeing forth and positioning themselves on the loom.
They blazed brightly, erratic in their loom movements
Ah, he forget must be gentle to the light or they would disappear.
He closed his eyes and bought his hands over his head; chanting:
Moonlight; Sunlight; bring it forth with all your might!
A sun shaped gem shone and shook and the light streams blazed brighter than ever!
"Yes!" Mallor exclaimed.
Satisfied Mallor gathered them and hid them in his cloak and rushed out of his work room.
Concentrate & relax
comeing
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