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funeral procession

by Magebird


A/N Please critique whatever you feel needs critiquing, though I would also appreciate if you helped me with the title of the poem and any descriptions that should be changed!

funeral procession

by Mage

light a candle in mourning

for the ravaged earth

its life ironically being drained

by the ones it provides for

*

light a candle in mourning

for the torn rainbow flag

its stripes ripped by cold hands

that belong to those who have never cared

*

light a candle in mourning

for the sobbing child

who is searching for shelter

but is turned away by the supposed heroes

*

light a candle in mourning

for the silent voice

screaming out the truth

that is being muted by lies

*

light a candle in mourning

for the lost man

now amid a sea of numbers

tallying those killed by assumptions

*

light a candle in mourning

for the shattered girl

who was accused of being a terrorist

because freedom of religion never applied to her

*

light a candle in mourning

for the persecuted woman

unable to relieve herself

because of something out of her control

*

light a candle in mourning

for the broken world

optimistic for a bright future

but spiraling down into darkness


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Fri May 12, 2017 5:20 am
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Tomcat202 says...



This piece of work is exactly what we need to realize in the world today thank you for it.




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Thu May 11, 2017 11:42 pm
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lolosboing wrote a review...



I really liked your poem! I like how you connected it to real life problems of religion. The detail is also really helpful in showing the emotions of the character in the story. One thing, I know it isn't a big deal, but it might help the reader if you had correct punctuation and capitalisation so that the reader knows where a new sentence starts, or where he/she should take a pause. The poem is a little bit unclear in a few spots. I really love the irony in your poem. For the title, I don't know the main idea of your poem so I can't really give any good suggestions. But, if you follow the guidelines of: The title vaguely contains the entire poem. e.g. if the poem is this:

bubbles, bubbles
floating through the air
Bursting in the rain,
and splattering in your hair.

(Sorry, that poem was bad)

well, if that was the poem, you know what it's about, popping bubbles in the rain. So, you could make the title something that included something about rain, popping or bubbles.

Your poem, is long and has more details. That can make it harder for you to make a title. I would suggest brainstorming a list of ideas and trying all of them out. Read them out loud. It might look stupid but it works. You can make your title from something about death, loneliness, grief, etc. Whatever describes your entire poem in very few words.

hope my review helps!




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Thu May 11, 2017 12:23 pm
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ILived wrote a review...



Hi Mage!
Since I'm not good with introductions (which is probably why half my work isn't read) and since you are not in front of me to reply to my polite and courteous greeting ;) , I shall head straight to the review.

light a candle in mourning
for the ravaged earth
its life ironically being drained
by the ones it provides for

It's a pet-peeve of mine to have uncapitalized (pretty sure that NOT a word ;)) words and lines so I'll just mention this now and ignore it through the rest of the poem. Every line of every stanza should be capitalized (exceptions only if intended); here I think we can go with the capitalizations.
The ironically didn't quite fit in your lines. Partly because its such a long word and makes the reading a bit staggered but also because in poetry, the "ironically" aspect of it should be implicitly gauged by the reader. It should be read between the lines, not in them.
And i'm sure its just me this time, but I couldn't understand what you meant by the life of the earth being drained because of the birth of other. (It most probably my really bad poetry reading skills so I'd love an explanation)
A little suggestion here, for the first stanza at least, it could have done with a little sibilance (any words having the s, f sounds); it might allude to the shedding of tears, conjure the image of tears flowing). Just a suggestion though to add a slight touch.

light a candle in mourning
for the torn rainbow flag
its stripes ripped by cold hands
that belong to those who have never cared

A rainbow flag is what I presume as a flag that represents more than just a country but unity. I like the use of "stripes" and "ripped" which have those hard consonants that describe exactly what its doing. Those kind of words are just wonders, aren't they?
Overall, a great stanza!

For the next stanza I would remove the "supposed" part. When the line is read now, I feel more bitterness; which is exactly ( I think) what you are aiming for.

As for the stanza after that, the idea is great, but I'd take out the "silent" in the second line because its kind of drives the suspense out of it. You could use another adjective there and then bring out the fact that all that's being heard is silence.

And I just couldn't stop smiling for the next one. Numbers also mean verses, so it could be interpreted to be a hit at religion as well. Marvellous!!! :)

light a candle in mourning
for the shattered girl
who was accused of being a terrorist
because freedom of religion never applied to her

"Freedom of religion" sound like too much to take in, especially in a poem, I think this could be replaced with something else that alludes to any particular religion.

The next stanza, I think, can be interpreted in far too many ways and I'm still debating whether that's a particularly a good thing or not.

light a candle in mourning
for the broken world
optimistic for a bright future
but spiraling down into darkness

"optimistic for a bright future" seems a bit off the flow. Maybe change it up a bit to include the word bright but not directly say "hoping for a better future". But that's really up to you... the last line, I've got to say, is perfect.

Another suggestion I'd make is that the poem could have down with some rhyme. If a poem doesn't have rhyme it usually means in terms of the subject in question, nothing's right/perfect and I can see how it fits with your topic... But I felt that maybe, you could start with end rhymes, then half rhymes and finally no rhymes at all (in the case that as the poem goes, you build anger and hate at the situation) or start from no rhyme to half rhyme, then to full rhyme (in the case you are at first very angry and then, the mood dissipated to more of a resigned fate and a this-is-how-the-world-works-and-will-work kind of attitude). It can take the poem to a deeper level.

And I've got to say, Thank You! For such a great poem and for such deep thoughts.

Keep writing!

~ILived




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Wed May 10, 2017 4:02 pm
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pirateslife4me wrote a review...



Hello pirtateslife4me here

I must say i am not one for poem reading or the idea of funerals because they creep me out hella bad but this is dramatic.

Keep the title the way it is because it fits.

Plus i love the repeat of the first line every time i do write poems i tend to do that, with mine or you could use the say first letter and go from there.

Keep up the good work




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Wed May 10, 2017 3:46 pm
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draolatch wrote a review...



A very good poem! I like the way the plot drifts, especially the strong imagery you use.

The repetition felt a bit... lazy, though.

My suggestion is, try to make it starts with different lines. I feel that some of the mystery and hook is a bit lost with starting every stanza with the same line.

Maybe keep the first and last light a candle in the morning, then move onto something else you'd do in the morning but round it all back together at the end




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Tue May 09, 2017 9:53 pm
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erilea wrote a review...



Heya, Mage! It's Lupa here for a rare review. O_o (They almost never happen these days.) All jokes aside, let's get to it!

1) The last line of the second stanza seems a bit awkward to me. Maybe you could say "belonging to the ones who have never cared". Either way, you can use your own choice, but the wording is clunkier than the rest of the stanza.

2) I feel the third stanza lacks a little information--why is the child crying? Why is he/she searching for a shelter? Are they homeless, or a refugee? I know it's hard to put so many things in a few short lines, but I believe you can make it work. <3

3) As a whole, your poem has three short lines in each stanza and a longer line at the end. There's a lot of hanging syllables in that one line. Try to even things out a bit in some stanzas--maybe not all, but some.

It's hard to review something like this! It's amazing, Mage, and I really enjoyed reading it. It's great that you're bringing light to these things that need attention. Once again, good job on your piece, and keep writing!

XOX,
Lupa22




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Tue May 09, 2017 9:35 pm
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CaptainJack wrote a review...



Greetings Mage from the After Watch shift. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I'm kinda here to clean the green room and also because a year or so ago, I never finished a review request you sent me. I really like to settle all debts so here this goes.

Title and the Beginnings.
It's smart enough to catch my eye for long enough to make it to at least the first stanza. It makes me wonder how dark or light that you're gonna go with it, because I could really expect this going every which way of depressing. Author's Notes at the top are generally distracting to me because I like to look the work over before hearing what the writer wants out of the critique. So it might be a good idea to move that towards the bottom to have it as more of reflection questions.

Repetition.
Though the overall feeling of this is pretty good and leaves some similarities between each stanza, it starts to snag a bit after stanza 5. There's not really a restating that I know of that carries the same emotions but you could play around with some re-ordering. One such example that I came up with is in the quote below.

a candle is lit for the mourning

Just one idea out of thousands or maybe more like tens.

Flow.
The flow occasionally gets stuck on the end of your longer lines since the rest of the ones in the stanza are of uniform length. This sticks in my mind and bothers me but it doesn't disrupt it enough to be really troublesome. The lack of punctuation is also rushing things along a bit but the inclusion of asterisks between stanzas adds for some buffer.
Periods at the end still might be helpful in some way. Just to stop the thoughts there before cruising onto the next stanza of equally tragic descriptions of the world.

Descriptions/Imagery.
So I did really like some of your descriptions and things here but there's one particular set of lines that doesn't sit too well with me.
its life ironically being drained
by the ones it provides for

Though I understand what you mean by using 'ironically' here it just doesn't sound right. Do you know what I mean? Like when a theory or comment makes complete sense or gets to the point but it shouldn't. And it sets in a bad taste in my mouth right off the bat and it was the majority of the dislikes that clung with me for the entire poem. Similar statings? I have absolutely no clue but just thought I should add this bit of relfection.

Alright. Well I'm gonna bounce now. If you want to talk about this review, drop me a line either here or on discord. Probs discord tbh.
Good day.
~Lady Lizz





In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
— JRR Tolkien