z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence Mature Content

power chapter 2

by Madshein


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Chapter 2

He saw a road sign saying that he was 2 miles out of Olivine city.

Okay firts I have to park this car some were and walk the rest of the way so they cant see me come into the city, they are probably reports that I am in the area now since the cops saw me.

Jaken took a right and drove down a forest road, the road was in bad shape with pot holes and ice all over it

Good thing that it was a pick up I took

The road twisted and turned down the forest witch was so thick by pine trees on each side, it was hard to see into the forest it looked like big white and green walls on both sides of the road.

While he was driving a couple of deer hopped out from the forest just in front of the car, he had to make and abruptly stop.

This looks deep enough into the forest any way,

He stopped the car and pulled out the keys, he look around in the car to see if there was any thing he could use, he found a jacket in the back that was more thick and warm then the one he had on now.

He went out of the car and walked behind it to open the back of the pick up to see if there was any thing else, there was only some old blankest that he would rather just leave it in the car.

He walked out into the deep forest and started to looked around, Something moved suddenly over by a tree

Shit he thought

Jaken had all ready hid behind a thick pine tree that was 4 times bigger then him self, when Jaken looked again he saw only a deer looking back at him.

He pulled out his map to find out some what were he was now, after locking for some time he find out to just go south from were he was now and he would eventually hit the city. After an hour walk he saw the he had come to the back of some old buildings that the forest had almost covered with trees and plant

This must be the very old part of town,

He walked between two of the buildings and walked out on to the street out of the forest, the sun had come out and hit him right in the eyes, he could see all over the city in the middle of the city park stood a water tower with big black letters that said Olivine. The city was down a hill from were he looked from, it wasn’t big but not a small town either, he could see a school and they even had a small university. Up on the hill were he stood was what looked like and old trailer park that very poor people still lived in.

He looked at his map again out from his backpack, to his right down the street were all the old houses covered in plants was dr. martins lab or that’s what Katie had drawn on the map with a red maker.

But why in this old part of the town it doesn’t look like there is a lab that still runs maybe 30 years ago but not now, had Katie given me the wrong address. Well at least it isn’t in a crowded part of town, it would make it that much harder to be invisible

He started to walk down the street were no cars or bike were, he turned right and stood in front of a building only made of concert, the sign on top of the budling said

“M and Ks industrial labs”

There were no windows on the front only a big metal door, Jaken walked over to the door and tried to pull it open but it would not bunch. Then he remembered what Katie had written as a note on the map “take the back door the key is under the oil barrel with a red circle on top “ he hurried back around the building and saw a small staircase with a door at the top, next to the staircase was a lot of old oil barrels laying around

He found the one with a small red circle on it, he pushed it a way and saw a key laying on the ground, he took it quick and walked over back to the door and open it with the key

It open with a big shrike noise like it really needed to be oiled, there came a strong sent from in side the lab, he could see light flickering from the tall ceiling and could se a lot of old big machines with dust on

There were some really old computers in small room with widows all around it,

What is this place and how can there still be light in here? I thought that some guy named dr. martin would be here and knew about my real dad, I am almost sure now Katie gave me the wrong address

Jaken walked over into the computer room were there was a sign that said control room, there was a old sleeping back on the floor with some pans standing on some small gas funces with both empty and full cans of food laying in the corners of the room.

Is somebody living in here !?

“hey!!!” somebody yelled behind him “put you hands op in the air now !!” Jaken thought knew the voice but quickly did as the person told him, when he heard a click “good… now slowly turn around to me” said the voice

Jaken did again he was told, he could feel the adrenalin pub in his body and his brain trying to find a way out ready to use his power

When he tuned around he saw that the voice came from Katie who had old dirty jeans on with a big jacket that ones had been white but now is more mud color, her fluffy red hair looked like it haven’t been washed in some time plus her face looked both sleep deprived and really stressed. In the end of both her arms that was held straight at Jaken face was a gun with her finger on the ticker

“ Its me !” spurted out of Jaken’s mouth, “J… is that really you “ Katie was the only one who call Jaken J as her nick name for him

Katie was slowly lowering her gun “ yes its me I came all the way from the prison “ Jaken said soft but looking at the gun

She put the gun all the way down and then in the back of the jeans press by the belt. She than ran over to Jaken and gave him a hug, Jaken was stunned with his arms still up as he haven’t had human contact in some time now but then started to hug her back “ I have missed you very much J “ She said still hugging him tight

“I missed you to “ he said back, Jaken could feel the warm felling of something familer and happy that he haven’t had in a long time

She let go and walked into the control room and picked up a empty can “ sorry its so messy don’t really get any visitors… like ever “ she said with a grind

“its okay… still better then any of the motels I had to sleep in “ he grind back

Katie’s eyes hopped up suddenly like she remember something important “ shit we don’t got much time I forgot “ she said with some panic

“Why! How!?” Jaken said

“There coming.. they found me I don’t know how” she said as she was turning on the old computers that you could see was scenes for cameras both inside and outside the lab

“ Who’s coming? And why are you here I thought you said that I have to met some guy named Dr. Martin? “

“ The agency is coming” she said inpatient as she looked intensely on the screens

“what’s the agency” said Jaken confused “like secret spy people in movies ?” he said with disbelief

“’No I just call them that, they are some kind of government that deals in…. more stranger cases” she said

“and… about the whole dr. martin thing I am sorry I haven’t told you before but so much came in the way “ she said

“what do you mean who is that guy “ Jaken said impatiently,

Katie turned around and looked Jaken right in the eyes “ Dr. Martin is our father “ Jaken looked shocked and confused at the same time

“ Our father ? “

“ Yes our father J “

“ But.. How is that possible !“

“ I am sorry J but trust me I could not tell any time sooner, even now its just because all of my plans just changed “

“Are you sure that he is our father? “

“Yes I am very sure “

“So your…. like my sister? “

“ Yes I am you sister, is that a problem? “ she said with a raised eye brow

“ No “ he said quick “ I just haven’t had any family in my life for a long time” he smiled at her, she smiled back

Suddenly a red light flashed next to one of the computer screens, Katie saw it quick and you could see a van with a black star symbol on it with the letters K12 in yellow cooler underneath it

“ There her! “ she said

“its that the agency ?why are they after you? “ he asked

“its the bad guys that all you need to know” she said quick “somebody that you denfeltiy don’t want to be capture from, rather die than be a test subject for them “ she said with clear hate in her voice

“ What you mean test subject?! what going on “ Jaken was cut of when Katie said “ there going to blow up the front door “ she put her hand down behind a computer and pulled up at backpack

“ Here take this”

“ What is it ? ”

“one of dads journals I found and an 8ter “

“ what’s is a 8ter ? “ he more counfused then ever

“Something that you can use to make you self-strong but only if you have to, J its really important you don’t take more the 5 8ters okay it all in dads journal it has all the answer J remember it and protect it with you life ” she said looking at him both consend and serious.

“ Yes I will but why what is all this “ he said

“ its okay J really “ she looked at him soft and still consend

“The door is open here, “ said somebody coming down the ally way, Katie put her hand up and focused on the door that then shut with a bang and looked.

“ You can do that to !!! “ Jaken said loud

“Yes but not now J i will answer all your questions later but not now “ she said as she quick rand over to a big cabinet and moved it aside, Jaken looked more confused then any thing else she had said to him yet, as long as he had known Katie she never showed any sign of having that power.

Under the cabinet was a hatch that she opened and you could see a later going down, “ quick go down here it leds out to the woods “ she said sharp to him

“But “

“Not now J later I promise”

“You really promise?”

“Yes J i do “ she said as she looked again at the scenes impatient

“But you have to go now but remember the journal Jaken there are more of them and you get all you answers when you find them there a clues inside of the pages “ she said

“They be coming in any second now” and just as she said it a explosion came from the front door, both Katie and Jaken bend down quick with there hands on there necks, they looked over to the door to see men in military gear coming in

“Quick come on go down “ she said with panic in her voice

“But we just found each other again “ Jaken said desperately to get her to come with him

“I will buy you some time, I can take these guys on, “ she said resorting

“Okay “ Jaken said, he felt like he had to stay and fight with her but something in her voice convinced him

He went down the latter to what looked like a cave he could just her somebody yell “ over here, there are somebody over here “ and then the hatch shot closed and the cabinet was moved over, the cave was tall enough for him to walk in.

He could not here any thing from up stairs he had two backpacks now, he took his hand down his own to take out a flash light as it was really dark down the cave other than a little light next to the latter that flickert. The cave was hot and hummed as big stream pipes was on either side of the cave buried into the dirt, there was a wet moldy kind of smell and even when Jaken turned on his light he saw fog in the cave

He started to walk down the cave with his own backpack on his back with the other one being small enough to fit in his own, as he walked his head was going over all the information given to him. He started to walk faster out the cave and he ended up needing to take of his jacket, as the heat was too much.

After what felt like forever he saw the cave move a little up and ended with another big metal hatch, he tried opening it with his hands but it was stuck completely, he then raised his hand at it and focus on it hard and could fell the power like electric come out of him and swing the hatch open slowly.

Katie could do it as easy as blinking, how is she stronger then me

Jaken felt like his pride hurt a little but then felt a cold wind come trough the opening from the hatch sweep over him, he shiver and quick put his jacket on again

He walked up out of the dark hot cave and saw that he was out in the woods again, his eyes had to adjust to the light before he the closed the hatch and then remember that he dint knew if Katie would come out this way or any other way or if Katie was even okay, Jaken started to panic

She dint tell me anything about were we should meet after and why dint she just come with me, why did she had to buy time

He started to panic even more and ran out the way the city was with all his bagged on the back

He came out back to the street with the lab on it and saw smoke coming from down the street, the van with the black star symbol on driving down the way against him. He hid behind a trashcan and when they were out from sight he ran down to the lab and saw that there came fire from the roof and out the big metal front door that had been blown open.

Jaken could fell the fear she cant be dead he said thought to himself again and again as he tried to run in the front of the building and over to the big metal door with the fear growing inside of him

There came a big flash from the mid of the lab and then a explosion that blew even the concert walls in pieces, the shock way and fire would had killed Jaken if not with out him knowing by using his power to make a shield around him. But was still being cast over in the other old house right in front of the lab knocking Jaken unconscious


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214 Reviews


Points: 14468
Reviews: 214

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Wed Sep 02, 2015 1:10 pm
artybirdy wrote a review...



Hello, I’m here to review!

I haven’t read the first chapter and, therefore, my review will be based on only this one.

First of all, I noticed a lot of spellings and grammatical errors. I’d suggest you to ask another person to read over your chapter and help you edit it. Your dialogue’s also formatted incorrectly. I’m not good at explaining, so I’ll refer you to this website: http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/pu ... -dialogue/

Secondly, I think you could use more descriptions to prolong your scenes, and give the readers a real sense of the character and the setting.

Jaken took a right and drove down a forest road, the road was in bad shape with pot holes and ice all over it

You can describe Jaken’s thoughts, emotions or feelings here.
The road twisted and turned down the forest witch was so thick by pine trees on each side, it was hard to see into the forest it looked like big white and green walls on both sides of the road.

This can use metaphors or similes to help paint an image in our minds. It feels . . . bland, to be honest.
Something moved suddenly over by a tree

Give us his reactions to make his character realistic. Perhaps, his heart races in fear, his hands tremble, or he gulps.
Jaken had all ready hid behind a thick pine tree that was 4 times

Spell out the number for consistency, e.g. instead of “4”, try “four”.

Consider dwelling on his thoughts and feelings when he discovers that Katie’s his sister. Right now, it feels as if he had expected it. He believed her too quickly. If I was in his place, I’d be shocked, doubtful and even scared.

How did Jaken obtain the map that led him to Katie? How do Katie and Jaken know each other? How come Katie still lives at the abandoned lab? Why’s the agency after both of them? These questions have piqued my interest. Overall, this chapter’s action-packed, fast-paced, but I feel as if there’s a lack of character development. Good job! Well done, and keep writing.




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Points: 1249
Reviews: 33

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Sun Aug 09, 2015 8:10 pm
Prakash wrote a review...



Hello Madshein,
As promised, I am here for review to you. The story is good and interesting. But, the spelling mistakes ruins it. You should read loud two to three times and edit it before submit. Sorry for most of the review being nitpicky.

He (Jaken) saw a road sign saying that he was 2 miles out of Olivine city.

Who is He? You can't start abruptly with a pronoun, dude

Okay firts I have to park this car some were and walk the rest of the way so they cant see me come into the city, they are probably reports that I am in the area now since the cops saw me.

I guess I lost the cops for a while in the chase. They must have put on high alert after I escaped from them at the hotel in the car. So, first, I had to hide this car somewhere quickly and walk the rest of the way to (Where?).

Jaken took a right (a right turn) and drove down a (the) forest road. (You should explain why he chose the road like it was dark/ pitch-black so it would be better hide-out. You should justify Jaken's decision)


the road was in bad shape with pot holes and ice all over it

The road appeared dangerous--paved with potholes and icy.

The road twisted and turned down the forest witch was so thick by pine trees on each side, it was hard to see into the forest it looked like big white and green walls on both sides of the road.

It filled with ups and downs and some sharp turns. And on its either sides, edged the pine trees and thick bushes--densely packed and covered with snow. It looked like a huge wall.
As this paragraph describes the driving into the forest. you can combine it with the previous one.

While he was driving a couple of deer hopped out from the forest just in front of the car, he had to make and abruptly stop.

Suddenly, a deer hopped out of the forest only few(write some number) feets away, he applied his brakes with his full strength to avoid the hit.You should explain more here, dude. You said the road is icy, don't the car skid? how the deer response to it? Try to bring out more vivid descriptions like he missed the deer, but the car skidded. The thin sheets of ice on the road made it worse. The tires screeched followed by a booming echo as the car hit the nearby tree and came to halt. He managed to escape with slight scratches.

He stopped the car and pulled out the keys, he look around in the car to see if there was any thing he could use, he found a jacket in the back that was more thick and warm then the one he had on now.

He pulled out the keys and looked for something he could use, in the car. He found a jacket at the back seat. It was more thick and warmer than the one he had now.

He went out of the car and walked behind it to open the back of the pick up to see if there was any thing else, there was only some old blankest that he would rather just leave it in the car.

He went out of the car to search anything else in the trunk. There were some old blankets. He thought he would rather leave it in the car itself

He walked out into the deep forest and started to looked around, Something moved suddenly over by a tree

He stalked off into the forest and started to look around (What/who he is looking for?). He caught a glimpse of something moving behind the trees.

Jaken had all ready hid behind a thick pine tree that was 4 times bigger then him self, when Jaken looked again he saw only a deer looking back at him.

Jaken immediately hid behind a thick pine tree that was 4 times wider than himself. He peered into the darkness. It was a deer, staring back at him. he sighed a relief.

He pulled out his map to find out somewhat where he was now, after locking for some time he find out to just go south from where he was now and he would eventually hit the city. After an hour walk, he saw the he had come to the back of some old buildings that the forest had almost covered with trees and plant

He pulled out his map to check out his position now. He found out that he had to travel south from where he was now and he would eventually hit the city. After an hour of walking, he came upon old buildings that the forest had almost covered with trees and plant

He walked between two of the buildings and walked out on to the street out of the forest, the sun had come out and hit him right in the eyes, he could see all over the city in the middle of the city park stood a water tower with big black letters that said Olivine. The city was down a hill from were he looked from, it wasn’t big but not a small town either, he could see a school and they even had a small university. Up on the hill were he stood was what looked like and old trailer park that very poor people still lived in.

The sun had come out and hit him right in the eyes. He walked across the buildings. In the middle of the city park, stood a water tower with big black letters that said Olivine. After this part, I didn't understand the content of the paragraph. So try to rephrase it correctly

He looked at his map again out from his backpack, to his right down the street were all the old houses covered in plants was dr. martins lab or that’s what Katie had drawn on the map with a red maker.

He looked at his map again out from his backpack. It seemed the old house to his right, down the street, was Dr. Martin's lab. That's what Katie had drawn on the map with a red marker.

He started to walk down the street were (where) no cars or bike were, he turned right and stood in front of a building only made of concert (concrete), the sign on top of the budling (building) said (,)

“M and Ks industrial labs”


Here are the typo errors try to rectify it.
'away' not 'a way'

'strike' not 'shrike'

'inside' not 'in side'

'see' not 'se'

'windows' not 'widows'

'furnaces' not 'fuances'

'I missed you too' not 'I missed you to'

'feeling' or 'feel' not 'felling'

'familiar' not 'familier'

'definitely' not 'denfeltity'

'concern' not 'consend'


You are confusing 'where' with 'were' and 'than' with 'then'.
'an old' 'an empty can' is the right usage of articles.
There are more mistakes, I hadn't mentioned it here. You should edit it again. Add vivid descriptions to your scenarios, then your story will be more colorful. Thanks for the read. If you are against any of my opinions, feel free to reply. Keep writing. All The best.





Beware of advice—even this.
— Carl Sandburg