"Don't move." He whispered into my ear. I left my heart rate increase and my breathing grow heavy. He wrapped his one of his arms around my waist and his other hand cover my mouth. My eyes began to sting as tears began to clog my vision.
"Aww, don't cry babe. You're safe with me." I shook my head, not believing a single word he said. How had I trusted him. All he did was sweet talk me. Make me believe I'd be able to feel free. I wouldn't have to live under the rules of my parents. All lies. I never should have talked to him that one day.
*6 months earlier*
I picked the tip up off the table as I wiped it off. Five dollars. With this job, I'd never be able to get out of my parents house. A sigh escaped my mouth as I looked at the clock. Ten minutes until my shift ended. Then I could go home and do whatever I wanted. I walked back behind the counter and leaned against the wall. I pulled out my phone to see I had a text from my best friend, Avery.
'Meet me at the park when your shift ends.'
A groan escaped my as I leaned my head against the wall. I didn't feel like going out. I wanted to go home and listen to my iPod or watch some cartoons.
The ringing of a bell signaled the door opening. I looked up from my phone mid-reply to see a man in, what looked like, his early thirties come in, followed by a woman that looked a few years younger. They sat down at a booth and I quickly finished my reply, sending it before I walked over to the couple with a pad of paper and a pen in hand.
"Welcome to Shirley's Diner, what can I get you?" I asked them. The man scanned over the menu that was lying on the table before he answered.
"I'll have a turkey, cheese and lettuce sandwich, side of fries, and a diet coke. My wife here will just have some iced tea with lemon." He said looking up at me. I turned to face the woman with hair like fire.
"You sure you don't want anything to eat?" I asked. She nodded in reply. "Okay then. I'll have your order ready in a few mintues." I walked back behind he counter and looked into the window that led to the kitchen. I repeated the order to the chef, Alex and went back to my phone.
Avery had replied.
'Aww, come on. You know you want to play on the swings.' She begged.
'Aww, guess what, I realy don't.' I replied. She was so presistant at times.
"Order up." Alex called from the window.
"Thanks." I told him, grabbing the tray of food and drinks.
"No problem, Melodi." He told me.
"I told you to call me Mel." I whined as I began to walk towards the couples table. I heard the echoing sound of Alex's laughter behind me.
"Here you go." I said, placing the plate of food in front of the man. I removed the drinks from the tray and placed them on the table to.
"Thanks Mel." The man commented. I felt my cheeks flush.
"You heard that?" I asked.
"No, your name tag says 'Melodi', but I like the name Mel better." He said, before
taking a bite of his sanwich. I looked down at my shirt, realizing I did have a name tag on. Of course I'd have a name tag on. I'm a waitress here, obviously.
"Right." I muttered. "Well, enjoy the food." I told him, walking back behind the counter. I looked up at the clock and relized my shift was over.
"Finally, freedom." I said to myself. I talked into the back room and removed the apron from my waist. I unpinned the small silver nametag and placed in on the table where the others sat. I walked back out of the room and into the diner.
"See you tomorrow, Alex." I called out as I opened the door.
"Bye, Melodi." He called back.
"Don't call me that." I yelled at him before walking into the street. I began the trek home as my mind wandered elsewhere.
All my friends had boyfriends. I was the loner. I didn't like any of the guys at my school. Sure, some of them were cute. But, those guys were self-concided jerks. I shook my head I continued to walk home.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I wasn't bored reading this it all, however there were several grammatical and spelling errors. I also think that in order to be a very catchy first chapter, you might want to add a little to it. We know this girl works as a waitress, hates being called Melodi, and seems to have a bad attitude towards her friends. However, we don't really know anything about that story. I think the first chapter should at least open up a little about that.
Madison,
To start, I love your tagline, it really drew me in. However, it didn't really connect with the first chapter, and I found myself looking for it.
Also, and in no way do I mean this in a mean or offensive way, but your chapter was as short as those in a James Patterson novel, which, if is a stylistic choice, is fine, but I find that it lacks in content. It seemed to me that the only reason you put this chapter here was to drop in some foreshadowing.
To improve, I would add a little more interaction between the two customers for your main character to listen into. Another thing is I would make the characters personality more pronounced because all I'm getting right now is that she is a little crabby towards her friends. But that's just me.
Please keep me in the loop for when you post the next chapter, I would really like to keep reading.
~Brook
Hi MadisonDennehy!
Welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying yourself and finding everything alright. Let me know if you need any help and remember to have a look at other people's stories too. It's the best way to make friends quick!
I've just had a look over your piece here and one thing I would say for future reference is just try to format before you submit so that it's not in one big chunk. Sometimes when you submit here it will mess up your original formatting so you have to do it again but people will more likely read your work if it's split up properly.
The other major point is too proof read. Obviously you might've done this already and I just don't know but there are a fair few mistakes here where you've misspelt words like the one dogs pointed out with the 'I left my heart rate' I assume you meant 'felt' so I would just advise reading things aloud to see if you can catch the mistakes or find a writing pal that can go through your work and maybe catch things you miss!
I definitely think you have an interesting beginning here. I liked the first bit because you immediately know that the encounter in the diner is going to lead to a certain outcome and so you instantly want to read about how it came to that point. So that is good, you've already set up a question in the reader's mind that makes them want to continue.
Lastly I would think about switching up your sentences a little. You start a lot of them with 'I did this.' 'I did that' 'I then went over here.' It gets a little monotonous after a while. Try things like 'Shaking my head, I continued to walk home.'
Anyway! I hope that helped! Let me know if you have any questions
Bex
x
Hello there, Madison
"Don't move." He whispered into my ear.
You see, what we have here is a giant block of text. That's no good. So what I'm going to do to help you out it edit EVERYTHING at once.
So click 'spoiler' if you dare:
Spoiler
^
I leftMy heart rate increased and my breathing grew heavy. He wrapped his one of his arms around my waist and used his other tohandcover my mouth. My eyes began to stingasand tears began to clog my vision.^
"Aw
w, don't cry babe. You're safe with me."^
I shook my head, not believing a single word he said. How had I trusted him. All he did was sweet talk me, make me believe I'd be able to feel free, believe I wouldn't have to live under the rules of my parents; but they were all lies. I never should have talked to him that one day.
^
I thought back to six months ago.
^
I picked the tip
upoff the tableas Iand wiped it off. Five dollars. With this job, I'd never be able to get out of my parents house. A sigh escaped my mouth as I looked at the clock. Ten minutes until my shift ended, andThenI could go home and do whatever I wanted.^
I walked back behind the counter and leaned against the wall. I pulled out my phone to see
I hada text from my best friend, Avery. Meet me at the park when your shift ends. I groanedescaped myas I leaned my head against the wall. I didn't feel like going out. I wanted to go home and listen to my iPod, or watch some cartoons.The ringing of a bell signaled the door opening, and I looked up from my phone mid-reply to see who it was. There stood a man in
,what looked like,his early thirtiescome in,followed byin front of a woman that looked a few years younger. They sat down at a booth and I quickly sent my reply, sending itbefore walking over to the couple with a pad of paper and a pen in hand.^
"Welcome to Shirley's Diner, what can I get you?" I asked them.
^
The man scanned over the menu that was lying on the table before he answered, "I'll have a turkey, cheese and lettuce sandwich, side of fries, and a diet coke. My wife here will just have some iced tea with lemon."
^
He said looking up at me.I turned to face the woman with hair like fire. "You sure you don't want anything to eat?" I asked.^
She nodded in reply.
^
"Okay then. I'll have your order ready in a few minutes."
^
I walked back behind he counter and looked into the window that led to the kitchen. I repeated the order to the chef, Alex, and went back to my phone. Avery had replied, Aw
w, come on. You know you want to play on the swings.She begged.^
Aw
w, guess what, I really don't. Irepliedthought. She was so persistent at times.^
"Order up." Alex called from the window.
^
"Thanks." I told him, grabbing the tray of food and drinks.
^
"No problem, Melodi."
He told me.^
"I told you to call me Mel."
^
I whined asI began to walk towards the couples table. I heard the echoing sound of Alex's laughter behind me.^
"Here you go." I said, placing the plate of food in front of the man.
^
I removed the drinks from the tray and placed them on the table to.
^
"Thanks, Mel." The man commented.
^
I felt my cheeks flush, "You heard that?"
I asked.^
"No, your name tag says Melodi, but I like the name Mel better." He said, before taking a bite of his sandwich.
^
I looked down at my shirt, realizing I did have a name tag on. Of course I'd have a name tag on, I'm a waitress here
, obviously.^
"Right," I muttered, "Well, enjoy the food."
^
I told him,Walking back behind the counter, I looked up at the clock and realized my shift was over.^
"Finally, freedom." I said to myself.
^
I walked into the back room and removed the apron from my waist. I unpinned the small silver nametag and placed in on the table where the others sat. I walked back out of the room and into the diner.
^
"See you tomorrow, Alex." I called out as I
openedreached the door.^
"Bye, Melodi." He called back.
^
"Don't call me that." I yelled
at himbefore walking into the street.^
I began the
trekjourney home as my mind wandered elsewhere. All my friends had boyfriends, I was the loner. I didn't like any of the guys at my school. Sure, some of them were cute, but those guys were self-conceded jerks. I shook my head and I continued to walk home.Whew, hopefully that helps.
"I left my heart rate and breathing grow heavy"
This line makes no sense, I think you mean "let" instead of "left." Not sure though.
"My eyes began to sting as tears began to clog my vision"
Try not to use two of the same words in the same sentence so close to eachother. Maybe change the second half of this sentence to "as tears clogged my vision" it's far less cluttered and is a lot easier to read.
"How had i trusted him"
This is question, so have a question mark at the end of it. You also use many fragment sentences, which you can get away with in a short story and books but only occasionally. So I'd suggest you connect some of these sentences with a comma.
The *six months earlier* there should be some spacing between that line and the previous paragraph. Good start though, starting at the end and then going back to the beginning.
Remember when you use dialogue to put make it into a new paragraph instead of apart of the previous one. It makes things far easier to read.
Ok, so first and huge underlining problem is that this is just one massive block of text. Which can be intimidating and difficult for the reader to read. If all books were only one giant giant paragraph with no spaces for dialogue or anything you'd go absolutely insane trying to read it all. Work on your spacing to make the reading smoother. Also, you never really set up who Mel is. How old is she? What does she look like? Very minor details that make a huge impact. Currently I have no idea what Mel even looks like which is something you need to be aware and careful of as the writer. You have the brush, now make the reader visualize your masterpiece. Apart from those minor details it looks like your on a good path here. Let me know when you post the next chapter, I'd love to give it a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh