Faster. Push yourself Alison. You have to get away.
She was repeating this over and over in her mind, trying to evade her stalker.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there!
Alright, this was a really short story. It's even short for a piece of flash fiction if I must say.
The first sentence was a thought, or the character talking to herself. Put that sentence in italics. It helps to differentiate from the actual narration.
The first paragraph was fast paced showed her trying to escape from her pursuer. From what I can tell she's in a forest. There's a spelling mistake in that, "sirections" should be "directions". Show that she's tired in that run, after all she would have probably have been running for a short while by then. Describe her clothes, were they soaked in sweat or when she fell were they dirtied by soil?
The caps used in the second paragraph weren't at all needed. They only make you seem like you're shouting and the reader doesn't really like to see it. I don't see how going to a club and drinking something would result in her being chased as she is right now, and is she still wearing the heels and dress? Make sure your story has links if you're introducing a new subject or event.
The last line was really abrupt, awkward and didn't fit in place. It's like a suspenseful moment just got cut out by one sentence that doesn't really have meaning to it. Take away that sentence and write a few more lines related to the actual topic, the running. If you want to have a quick ending you could even have the protagonist saying something.
Hope my review helped!
This story isn't even close to being done, I had to go do homework while writing it! But and I did have those lines italicized, it just didn't show :/
Having this jump from using a narrator speaking to the character, to the characters thoughts is a little jarring, but she is being jarred. I would like to see less narration and more of the senses being involved, such as hearing the pounding of her heart, the snapping of twigs, the crunch of dirt, etc. in order to engage the reader into the chase before delving into the character's head.
Overall, I kind of like the feeling of the author speaking to the character in such a way that it introduces what is going on.