Boys Need Help Too

by Maddymayhem
  • January 19, 2013
  • Poetry
  • Other · Other
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Slipping away from reality
Choking on its inhumane grasp

Kicking and screaming,
As you’re forced to be pulled along

Little by little, day by day,
You are pressured into surviving.

Month by month, year by year,
You continue to grow older

Shaking, screaming, only at 24
Death was supposed to grip you before 18

25, 26, 30
The years fly by in only seconds, it seems

Doing things you never would have thought,
Like falling in love, getting married

You have children, two and four,
Learning from their father, who hides under sleeves

Afraid his babies will ask about the scars
That mar his unclothed arm.

He’s afraid they’ll know that their daddy,
Didn’t ever want to grow old,

He didn’t want to live, but he found mommy
And she taught him that boys need help too.
Comments & reviews · 3
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dikxita Review
dikxita wrote a review · Sun Jan 20, 2013 3:06 pm

I began reading poetry with an illusion that it would contain something rather usual. But you surprised me all totally as I went through the last few lines. Keep up the good job!

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Demeter
Review
Demeter wrote a review · Sun Jan 20, 2013 11:42 am

Hi, Maddy!

At first I wasn't sure whether I would like this all that much, but I really liked the narrative twist the poem took towards the ending. I like it when I'm told a story, and this one was quite sweet in the end. Happy ending! :)

I was a bit confused in the middle, because I couldn't really see where you were going to go with the "growing old" thing. It didn't really occur to me what the point of that was until I reached the ending. Surprises are good, of course!

I think something that might be good for this poem would be some rhymes, even. The topic is a bit dark, and I guess rhymes aren't always considered very serious, but I think the contrast could be cool. :) And it would sort of work nicely with the good ending as well! I don't know, just something to consider. Of course I'm biased, because I love rhyming poetry!

If you don't want to try rhymes, maybe make the lines a bit more even so there's not super short and super long and average length lines all in the same. That would bring some consistency.

Happy writing!


Demeter
x

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StoryWeaver13
Review
StoryWeaver13 wrote a review · Sat Jan 19, 2013 9:04 pm

I like this, and I have to say that I liked it more and more as the poem progressed. The writing is very natural, but it also has a subtle rhythm and flow that make it cohesive, shifting at the right times and using words wisely.

That being said, I didn't think that the beginning stanzas were nearly as strong, so I would consider revising. While they weren't bad by any means, they just weren't as compelling as the ones that followed.

This is a good poem with an unappreciated theme. Keep writing, and best wishes! xx



Poetry is my cheap means of transportation. By the end of the poem the reader should be in a different place from where he started. I would like him to be slightly disoriented at the end, like I drove him outside of town at night and dropped him off in a cornfield.
— Billy Collins