Even hearing their voices made Ivanna feel sick. No pair should act like that, she thought. Especially in front of me.
The weather was perfect for a picnic, but she was amongst a dense forest and could only see the sunlight through the gaps in between the branches of the highest trees. The forest acted a buzz kill to the wonderful weather; like prepping for a first date, only to discover your parents are chaperoning.
"Ivanna, are you hungry?" asked Ressie, leaving her boyfriend for the first time since they arrived to hover over Ivanna.
Ivanna rolled her eyes. "No, I'm fine," she sighed at her irritably.
Ressie grinned, unable to pick up on Ivanna's annoyance. Her eyes were slightly glazed as she moved away to make herself something to eat.
Ivanna felt somebody shift the rug. It made her painfully aware that under the rug was a ground littered with sticks that, when moved, dug into her back.
"Ress babe, pass the bread," said a low voice to Ivanna's right.
Ressie's footsteps were heard skipping to the source of the request. "Sure thing, honey bun!" she piped.
"You're such a beautiful girl, you know that?" chuckled Xavier, her boyfriend, who pulled Ressie into a hug, forgetting all about the bread he was asking for. She squealed as he squeezed her, and she pretended to protest. Xavier laughed harder. A few seconds later, Ivanna heard them making out.
Ivanna turned over to protest her displeasure, and she noticed Xavier's steel eyes were locked on her. They clearly said, "Why are you here watching us?"
She stood up in a huff, shooting them a dirty glare. She turned on her heel, grabbing a bread bun from the basket nearest her, and marched off.
Ivanna knew this forest well. For years her family had been spending Easter out here, following the tradition of camping in the woods. In time she grew sentimental about it, and wanted to visit it more than once a year. When Ressie suggested that the three of them go on a picnic, Ivanna had no difficulties in recommending this beautiful part of the world.
She beamed as a possum scurried past her. It gave her a sudden stroke of inspiration, and with glee she pulled out her notebook from her trackies.
If she couldn't use her phone, due to the lack of service there, she could draw. Sketching was Ivanna's favourite hobby besides texting, and it was something she could pass the time with until Xavier and Ressie finish with each other. Why, oh why did I agree to Ressie bringing along Xavier? she thought irritably to herself. Because I'm a good friend, her mind answered back for her.
Hours passed, and Ivanna was still sketching. She could lose herself in this way, and had been known to spend a whole weekend doing so. When she was sketching, she always lost her sense of time.
She was in the middle of shading in a tree when she realised she was squinting to see the page. She glanced around and saw the forest had become much, much darker. Just how long have I been sketching for?
Her stomach rumbled with hunger. Oh well, I suppose I'd better head back to the site and find out if my friends have left me behind or not.
She stashed the notebook and the pen in her pocket and rose.
Navigating through a dim forest is a difficult task, and even though Ivanna knew this place well, she staggered a bit over obstacles she didn't see coming. When she finally arrived at the campsite, her heart dropped.
The rug had disappeared along with the baskets of food. Ivanna was sure this was the precise spot, because they hadn't exactly been clean freaks with their scraps.
Great, she thought bitterly, thanks for remembering me. But there was still a hope she hadn't been completely left behind: the three of them had driven here in Xavier's ute, which had been parked further up. She wasted no more time in continuing to walk.
The sky was becoming so dark now that Ivanna found herself stumbling every second. A newfound chill to the air was causing her to shiver uncontrollably.
There, she spotted the truck in the distance. Because of its red colour, it stood out considerably against its surroundings. Relief washed over her as she realised her friends had not left her.
What was that shouting she could hear? It sounded like Xavier. She hurried closer to inspect the situation.
She reached a group of trees where the thickness of the branches and the angle of the sun permitted her to see, but not be seen. It was a perfect position to observe from. Squinting her eyes, she looked on, trying to make out what was going on.
As soon her eyes focused on the scenario playing out in the ute, she became paralysed. Her legs turned to lead; she could not move, she could not flee. The sense of fear overwhelmed her like a tidal wave that came crashing overhead.
Xavier crouched in the car, squished between the car roof and the passenger seat. The door was wide open; Ivanna could see everything.
"How do you like that?! Yeah, taste it, taste it!"
Xavier held a pocket knife in one hand. It was smothered in dark blood that ran down the handle and stained his fingers. The other hand seemed to be dripping blood into Ressie’s open mouth.
Ressie appeared to be unconscious. Her cheeks were slashed; her hair mangled with dry blood; her wrists were bound with rope. Her head lolled on the edge of the passenger seat, held up by the force of Xavier.
"Can't beat me! You can't, you can't! You are nothing!" Xavier's voice rose to a high pitch as he used the knife to slash her nose. Blood spurted out and landed on Ressie's pink dress.
Ivanna stood there, only capable of shivering, and she had no control over it. No control over her world, no control over anything.
Her mouth had become dry and her heart was racing so fast it threatened to burst out of her chest.
Concentrate. The word seemed so simple, but the process was difficult. She needed to save Ressie and escape, but she just physically couldn't.
She closed her eyes and zoned out for a second. With very slow and shaky moments, she reached for her pocket where her phone rested.
She opened her eyes and stared at the phone screen.
No service. There's no service. Panic crept into her brain. There's no service! Her hand shook wildly and the phone almost leapt out of it. She was overcome by an urge to throw the useless phone into a tree, but a sudden thought stopped it.
Her mind recalled a school assembly briefing on emergency situations. One of the instructors, a handsome young recruit fresh from the police academy, explained the use of this three digit number that can be called out of range because it ran through a signal to the satellite. It was just the miracle Ivanna needed. She pressed the buttons numbly.
But the monster was still with Ressie. He had moved on to tracing the outline of her neck with the knife, murmuring something undistinguishable.
Ivanna needed a weapon. She wasn't going over there to face him: no, she was too afraid for that. Instead, she deliberated over finding a stone, a stick- anything she could throw at the monster that might hopefully hit him, or at least cause a distraction.
She patted her pockets. All she had was a phone and her notebook. Which was more important?
She took careful aim, and launched her arm forward. Ivanna watched on to see the notebook soaring through the air-
To land pitifully a few feet short of the ute.
The monster halted, craned his head and for the first time Ivanna had a glimpse of his features.
Whoever this creature was, it can't have been Xavier. Sure, it looked like the teenage boy, but the constant flinching of his eyes, the snarled expression, the flaring nostrils: it was almost as if he had been demonically possessed.
He looked to the ground and stared at the notebook.
Oh holy crap. The Xavier Ivanna knew would recognise that notebook to be her.
He sprung out of the ute like it had suddenly burst into flames. Knife raised, he swerved his head from side to side, knowing Ivanna was around somewhere.
It had become a hunting game. Ivanna was the prey.
He edged closer to her position. He was so near now that she could hear him breathing, sharp and quickly. His dirty, sweaty smell reached her and she gagged.
"Ah-ha!" the monster shouted, and hurdled straight towards the group of trees. Straight into Ivanna's awaiting outstretched leg.
He swore as he landed face-first into hard ground.
Ivanna saw her chance. Now was the opportunity to rescue Ressie. But first, she needed to make the monster would stay down.
"This is for my best friend," she mocked to the stirring body, and picking up a large branch, she bought it down on his head with a sickening thud. And again. And again. And for good measure, she jumped on his back. She only stopped when the memory of Ressie bought her back to reality. She picked up Xavier's blade and hurried to her.
"Ressie!" She yelled to the unconscious figure sprawled in the ute. "Wake up!" The blade was already ripping against the rope bounds that held her friend captive. The blood on it trickled down onto Ivanna's fingers.
She called her friend's name again just as the rope fell to the floor, splintered in half.
A stir, then a moan from the teenager. Ivanna could feel the pain in her moan, in her slurred movements. Good god, what has that monster done to you?
Ressie flickered her eyes open. At first, they were unfocused.
"Who…what…ow!" she groaned. Ivanna stood on two feet outside the ground, ready to support her friend with a steady hand if she needed it. The other hand gripped Xavier's blade just in case the monster decided to resurface.
Something felt eerie to Ivanna; she saw it in her friend's movements. Ressie turned to Ivanna. Her eyes widened, staring at the knife in Ivanna's hands, to the blood on her fingers...
"You!" she shrieked, and stumbled back with surprising speed in her agonized state. "You hurt me!"
"What?" Ivanna gasped out loud. "I..."
The realisation hit her chillingly. Ressie thinks I've tried to kill her. It was obvious now that Ressie had not been awake through any of the torment Xavier inflicted upon her.
The shock was so overwhelming that Ivanna did not hear the approaching sirens, or the flashlights that suddenly locked onto the ute, or the raised voices.
"Ressie, I didn't hurt you!" she spluttered.
"Stay away from me!" she shouted.
"Don't move!" yelled someone from behind Ivanna. "Back away from the vehicle!"
The click of several revolvers pierced the air. Ivanna had no doubt that their ends were trained on her back.
Ivanna released her grasp on the blade. She turned around to face the police.
"Please, it's not how it looks-"
Her words were cut short by an officer who grabbed her wrists and shoved them behind her roughly. He clasped the handcuffs around them and pulled Ivanna towards the police vehicle, which flashed its lights across the now completely dark forest.
A second officer worked on coaxing Ressie out of the car. She shivered and shook her head wildly, insisting to remain in the ute until she was out of harm's way. A third officer found Xavier's body on the ground. He ran a quick pulse check to see if he was alive, then he spoke into a walkie-talkie, requesting ambulance assistance.
All this time Ivanna thrashed against her bounds. "I never did anything! I was trying to rescue Ressie!"
"Keep silent," the officer ordered, and opening the back of the vehicle, thrust Ivanna into the portable cell and closed the doors.
Ivanna pressed her face against the barred window. The officer stared up and met her eyes.
"Please," she said hoarsely, face coated in tears. The officer shook his head.
"Lunatic," he muttered under his breath, just loud enough for Ivanna to catch it. He strolled to the front seat, buckled up, shut the door and drove off without a second thought.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Wow. You guys are fantastic. You've given me in-depths reviews I could have only dreamed of receiving. I cannot thank you enough! I've taken all your advice in and switched the revised one with the one you see above. I am ever grateful. You are the best.
(I'm flattering too much, aren't I? 
)
-Maddy
Hello, Maddy! I'm jash and I'll be reviewing your work today. I don't normally read short stories (I'm often lurking at the poetry and novel sections) but I just thought I'd drop by in this forum. The title that caught my eyes was yours. So--I'll shut up now and review! XD
My comments will be in #80FF00 ">greenish font; while nitpicks will be in #FF0080 ">pinkish font.
I was too lost in the story to catch the other nit-picks. I have only have one more thing to say:
THIS IS AWESOME! Haha! It's cool. The plot is great; the unpredictability is awesome. I feel so sorry for Ivanna.
P.S. I don't think the title suits the story.
I really do think this is brilliant, which is why I’ve spent time going through and giving you an in-depth review to make it even better. A great twist at the end too.
Even hearing their voices make (made) Ivanna feel sick. No pair should act like that, she thought. Especially in front of me.
The weather made the day perfect to have a picnic – Try, ‘The weather was perfect for a picnic’
foreboding forest – Adjectives like ‘foreboding’ are generally feelings, which means stating them isn’t very effective but adapting the tone so that your readers feel it instead. It’s the old ‘show don’t tell’. Why is the forest foreboding? Justify the comment through both what you describe and the use of language. Let me know if that makes no sense and I’ll happily explain it further.
It spoiled the whole mood of a picnic. – Again, how was the mood spoiled? Tell the reader why having a forest near a picnic can ruin it, or else it sounds a little forced. Personally I would go with a metaphor comparing the forest to a grey cloud threatening the picnic with torrential downpour, but of course you need to write it in your own way.
She responded to her friend with, "No, I'm fine," irritated at her. – This bit of dialogue in-between two taglines disrupts the flow of the sentence. ‘She responded’ is also a little flat, and irritated is something that, again, could be shown rather than told. – “I’m fine,” Ivanna snapped back at her friend, although Ressie could not feel her irritation.
answered back a simple "okay", and slid away – again the ‘okay’ disrupts the flow where it might be better to compromise with your imagination and have her say nothing. Although this time it might be because of the ‘And slid away’, which is a little ambiguous to what you mean. Does she leave, does she start wondering something – what’s happening here?
She huffed and stood up – She stood up in a huff
There’s nothing wrong with the way you’ve written it, but little tweaks can go a long way. Placing more information into fewer words is a good way of stepping up your writing, and can be done so by a quick reshuffle. There’s two main pieces of information in this clause and you’ve written them separately. All I’ve done is smoothed them together.
She turned on her heel – This shows repetition of sentence structure, where as variation can go a long way too. ‘She did this, she did that’ gets a repetitive quickly.
she could not move, she could not flee. – This on the other hand, is an example where repetition works really well.
Ressie appeared to be unconscious, and in extremely bad shape. – There are two main problems here. 1) By the sounds of it, what Ivanna could see was slowly becoming clearer, things were being revealed slowly with tension. This jumps into Ivanna knowing everything about the situation, especially the part about where the cuts were. It would be much more effective for the situation to slowly unravel. Maybe at first she notices blood on the face and her eyes are shut, but from this she can’t possible know who’s the blood, if the face is cut, or if Ressie is unconscious. Suggest that she is, but don’t state it – let your readers decide for themselves. You’ve already said she’s not moving and without screaming of some sort, it’s clear she’s not too awake at the moment. Then, if you have to, mention where the cut on her face is later to show Ivanna seeing more.
2) I sort of integrated this point into the one before, but its show don’t tell again. It’s not always clear whether someone is unconscious or just very weak, and extremely bad shape doesn’t give a tangible image. ‘I have an incredibly brilliant orange’ – It doesn’t matter how fancy the adjectives are, you still don’t know much about this orange. It’s far better to drop the fancy adjectives and imply them instead. Focus on the specifics instead.
Oh no. She had forgotten that there was no service in this area. Oh crap, what was she supposed to do? - This is terribly cliché. It would be better for her phone to be left in the car, or her to beg for there to be signal but like usual, there was none. It’s not only the situation you’ve written but the way you’ve introduced this fact that makes it a cliché. Also, you’ve slip your narrator almost into first person. ‘Oh crap’ isn’t what the narrator would say, but what the character is thinking.
Use italics like you’ve done earlier on and put it as direct thoughts.
She could ring (a or the, depending on what you’re on about. If you’re talking about the police then you could say ‘the’ although it’s a too vague to tell on its own) three digit number
because it ran through a signal to the satellite – Your readers are going to need to know more about what this number and satellite business is. All I can think is ‘huh?’
projectile – A little technical. Like saying ‘pass me the operating communication system’ when your character is really just asking for the phone. Say a rock or list a few alternatives e.g. ‘She scanned the area for a rock, a stick – anything that she could throw at the monster.’ This also reflects the characters thoughts and puts the reader where the character is. At first looking for a rock, then a stick, then anything that will work – It makes the reader feel the panic too.
forward... – This isn’t the correct way of using an ellipsis. An ellipsis is where something left unsaid, and therefore provide a longer pause than a full stop so that a reader can think back over the last phrase and read into the suggestibility of the comment.
If you want to create time between two phrases then you need to fill the gap with words. With just an ellipsis your readers connect the sentences together anyway, the only difference being is that they know you’re trying to add tension, but they can’t feel this. Instead slow the moment down by putting detail into the specifics. Watch it soar, describe how the character feels, what they’re thinking, hoping, hearing etc. Then you have your tension-filled pause.
of the ute – What’s a ute?
Xavier knows (that notebook – This is present tense where the rest is past. Try knew or maybe The Xavier Ivanna knew would recognise that notebook to be hers.
just as the rope fell to the floor, split in half. – Split in half doesn’t seem to relate clearly to the clause before it. Maybe reiterate this sentence?
which flashed it's (its) lights across – it’s means it is, but in this situation the lights belong to the it so it’s its.
"Why does everything hurt so much?" – With this much pain, she’s likely to just breath Ivanna’s name like a question, unsure of where she is and made too weak to be able to say much. In the end, this particular point is more opinion than anything else.
"Keep silent," the officer ordered – It would be good if the police officer reeled off the usual ‘You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say...” You can even use an ellipsis here to suggest that he’s continuing with his speech but people will get the idea so you wouldn’t need to say it all.
"Lunatic," he muttered under his breath, not loud enough for Ivanna to catch it – You’ve written from an ‘over the shoulder’ perspective all the way up to here. You’re in third person, but you follow the one character where you hear, see and feel what the character does. With that in mind, how can she know what he says if she can’t hear it? To not interfere with the perspective, it might be easier for her to just hear him.
All you need is a few tweaks here and there, and this could be something really special. Keep up the writing and good luck with the editing. I hope you found this helpful and let me know if you want to go back over anything I’ve typed. See you around. =]
Love it Maddy! I thought this story was written very well! Good job and Keep writing!
Sierra
No problem Maddy! I enjoyed reading it. I'm really glad I helped. If you need any further help I'd be happy to assist.
-Moo
Thanks Moo, you've really pulled me up on stuff I hadn't noticed before. I definitely have a weak start and I really appreciate you pointing out my mistakes.
Hey Maddy! I'm Moo, and after reading this I thought I would drop a quick review.
Not a great hook sentence really. A hook is usually one line (though it can be more) and is used to gage the reader's interest and attention in the story. Make the reader ask questions, make them want to read more. For example, (I'm not saying this is perfect
Also, don't start with 'She.' Show the reader who your MC is and identify them in your first sentence by name.
Try this link for further reading on hooks: http://www.ehow.com/how_4556500_write-hook-fiction.html
Your description of the setting contradicts itself. If this is going to be a scary/horror style story, sunlight and beauty would be something that I would cut out in order to foreshadow any later events.
Why does she crave the sunlight so badly? Elaborate.
'Albeit' is redundant. Cut it out here.
"
Ehh, puke alert. The dialogue here sounds very forced and wooden. In any type of story, you want your characters to sound believable, and therefore the way they speak, talk think must also in turn be believable. Perhaps a bit of banter between the two would be more appropriate.
You've used 'heal' in the wrong context. The word you mean to use is heel. Heal is to cure of affliction or disease, etc.
A comma needs to be put in here.
Very clunky, choppy wording. I would change this to 'When Ressie suggested that the three of them go on a picnic..'
The passage of time moves far too fast. Ease the reader into the time frame, don't just toss them from hour to hour. Some description of the sun setting or such would be appropriate.
Slow up. Why has she suddenly been paralysed? I would definately cut out that word on its own, it just seemed to be slapped on the page. Some description is necessary here. Tell us what she sees first, so as not to confuse the reader.
Quite confusing. I had no idea what was happening here. Be more precise in your description.
Double negative. Change nothing to anything.
Seems a bit unrealistic.
Blood doesn't really have a smell, despite what Stephanie Meyer might think.
Okay so, I think this was a nice little piece. However, you seem to be lacking a lot on description and character development. You've got the bones of a story, an interesting concept and a great ending, now you just need to polish it to make it into something great. I quite enjoyed this Maddy.
Keep writing. Let me know if I helped, and PM me if you have any questions.
-Moo
Thanks, Cannon!
I totally agree with your comments, but unfortunately for me, the contest I'm entering this in has a word limit of 2000 and I'm pretty much on the maximum amount of words. I can't add anything more. But if I could write more, I would definitely focus on building the suspension through the character's relationships and such.
Ah, what an interesting concept...I liked the ending generally. It had a suspenseful pace coming with it. i also loved the concept of the innocent falsely accused for a crime.
The first part of the story was alright though it needed a little work.
Firstly was that the pace was a little slower. Specifically, the sketching part. You could add more detail on the sketching especcially including a few of her thoughts on the relationship. As well, before the sketch, more detail can be placed on the picnic. An example would be the character descriptions and expressed more their actions. The lovers may be shown more rather than their loving scenes.
But in general, the story was good and kept a sense of suspense. Try to give more suspense of the picnic and the sketch because the pace and the suspense seemed to unfold after the main character walked back to the car.
Other than that, keep up the good work
Haha georgie, this is my short story
Oh my god!
Maddy that is really good. i didnt even imagine the cops would mistake xavier for your MC!!
I was in shock, seriously it was so well written, i didnt pick up on any little nit picks. Well done.
I really want another chapter--soon!
please, keep writing, it was very professional.
Love Georgie xxXXxx