Young Writers Society

Thanks to the wonderful advice from the talented reviewers here on YWS, I have revised a section of my chapter in my novel and I would now like to see what you think of it. Of course, I believe this novel i'm writing belongs in a realistic fantasy fiction, but that isn't really a genre, so I'm putting it in this forum.

Just some prior knowledge so you don't get confused about the tone of some characters:

Casinotto used to be Talia's friend.

Lynn is Justin's adoptive mother.

"Dark Flyers" is a noun. Dark is NOT, I repeat, NOT, a describing word.

Now read and enjoy!

The comforting voice in Talia’s mind did little to assure her everything was fine. Everything wasn’t fine. In fact, it was very far from it.

The night sky lit up by the torches the flyers were using to spot for the incoming dark ones. They waited silently, eyes alert, faces contorted in concentration. Talia instinctively fiddled with her fingers. Suspense was killing her.

A loud beacon noise, something like the sound from an old car horn, broke the haunting silence. Looking up, she saw the Dark Flyers approaching with alarming speed.

“They’re coming!” She yelled out, although it wasn’t needed. Her army was already scrambling about, most shifting into their winged forms, the few others who weren’t born flyers loading the artillery.

“All the flyers, listen up!” commanded Price, his voice stern. The battle had surfaced an aggression unlike Talia had ever seen in him before.

“Does everyone remember the plan?” he asked. Most of the flyers nodded, but some looked a little dazed. Price saw this, so he decided to explain once again.

“On the count of three, I want everyone to take to the air. When I yell out ‘fire’, form the circle and make way for the gunshots. As soon as the first round has been fired, we charge. Is that clear?”

There was a simultaneous bobbing of heads.

“Good.” He finished up his speech and turned to Talia and Justin, lowering his tone.

“Now, I need you teenagers to scram. I don’t want to run the risk of you,” he pointed a worn finger at Talia, “getting captured.”

“But…”she began.

“No, Talia. Don’t argue. You know they’re only after you,” he said with some form of a heartfelt, caring tone bordering his voice. Talia dropped her squabble and simply nodded.

“Justin, please look after her for me, ok? Make sure she doesn’t run into trouble.”

“I will, sir.”

“Now go, hurry,” said Price as he ran towards his awaiting army.

Talia felt herself being spun round. Justin’s yanked her arm and pulled her away without so much as a whisper escaping his lips. He broke into a fast jog and Talia tried to keep up, her tanned legs struggling. Her ears recognised Price’s signal and, overcome with curiosity, she broke free of Justin’s arms and turned to see the terrible scene developing.

The first exploding roar of gunfire was thunderously loud. She could barely hear people shouting, so she desperately wondered how impossible it must be for the poor souls to even think, let alone yell. The night sky, once only littered with torch lights, was now swarming with flyers of either side. She saw some of them fall down. That must be a 20m drop! , she thought pathetically. Oh dear god, I hope those fallen are the enemy.

Talia tore her saddened eyes away from the horrible setting. She just couldn’t bear to look at it any longer, and already her head was conjuring up a killing headache. Using the opportunity, Justin seized her hand and pulled her away. Tears were swelling up in her eyes. The thought of people possibly dying for her, losing their life in her name was making her heart break into two shrivelled pieces.

She was being dragged further deep in the mountainous forest, which increasingly became harder to see even with her eagle-eye vision. Several times did Talia stumbled over snapped branches and jagged rocks. They tore at her legs like clinging beggars. The tears were pouring down harder, but Talia refused to wail out in pain.

“Hey, Talia, don't worry. We're almost out of range. Not much longer to go, and then we can transform and get the hell out of here.” Coaxed Justin. For a second there, Talia felt a stab of annoyance. He was treating her like a little girl.

“It’s all my fault. People could die because of me! How can I not be worried?”

“They’re going to be okay. We just have to concentrate on getting somewhere safe.”

Talia rejected this idea entirely. There was no way anyone back there was going to be okay! Hands on her hips, she stopped walking.

“I want to go back and help: I feel stupid running away.”

“You can’t, Talia!” he said, “Not only are you not prepared for battle, but the war will be for nothing! Cassinotto and my mother are on the hunt for both of us! If we go back, we’ve surrended ourselves in! Don’t you see?”

“Good!” She yelled, giving him a glare. “I don’t want anymore people hurt because of me!”

There was a brief moment’s pause in which the pair of them heard distant gunshots.

“I don’t want that either,” he muttered, “come on.” And despite Talia’s feeble protests, he continued to head into the heart of the forest.

There was a sudden rustle through the trees. An abnormal breeze caught Talia’s hair and whipped it around her face. Justin, totally oblivious, kept walking.

“Wait!” Talia breathed. Her eyes darted, looking for the culprit of the disruption.

Justin turned to face her, his expression upset.

“Look, Talia, please don’t start complaining, I…”

“Wait!” she hissed again, louder. There was silence, until…

“It’s them, yes!” shouted out a familiar, nasally voice. Out of the bushes jumped out three muscular Dark Flyers, their enormous wings outstretched. Talia tried to transform, but as quick as a flash one of the men had pinned her arms behind her back. She craned her neck to see the same fate occur to Justin, but with the other couple of flyers. They had a little trouble trying to hold him down.

“I’m so, so glad I caught you two pathetic nuisances.” Talia’s heart sank to the ground. She stopped struggling. Justin did the opposite and thrashed his limbs more wildly.

Two female Dark Flyers emerged from the trees, both with a torch in one hand, to face the captive teenagers.

Lynn and Cassinotto both broke out into a taunting smirk. The realisation sunk in the pit of Talia’s stomach: they didn’t escape in time. Captured. With trembling lips she yelled “Let us go!” But even as she said it she knew the feeble attempt would have no effect whatsoever. She glared at her old friend, and was shocked. Talia could see the horrible effects of the ritual on Cassie.

Her face was like a disturbing memory; it wouldn’t stop gluing itself to the front of your brain, even on the best of days. The features of this poor, twisted female had been scarred and matured so badly it would be inappropriate now to call her young and innocent. Sweat and grime dripped from her deformed head down to her neck. Her normally layered, flicked auburn hair was now a feral lion’s mane of tangled fuzz. Her eyes bulged in her sockets and her cheeks were ghostly hollowed. When she grinned, her facial features strained under the pressure.

Talia felt as though her heart was stabbed by the sharpest sword in existence.

How could Cassie let herself become like this? Nothing made any sense anymore.

Justin’s mother, however, looked perfectly…perfect. Nothing about her figure suggested she was capable of terrible deeds, apart from her coal-coloured clothing. And her heavily makeup eyes, the pupils showing a deep violet colour.

Talia noticed Justin and his furious eyes locked onto his sinister mother’s smile. Only it wasn’t those smiles that compulsed you into smiling, too. Oh, only Talia wished. No, it was a smile that was so evil that it compulsed you into vomiting your guts out all over Lynn’s shabby, black boots. She stopped herself just in time.

“So you’re the wrench who’s been putting ideas in my son’s head,” she coarsed, pointing a finger at Talia’s shoulder. She gulped and jutted her chin, avoiding her cold gaze. It would have been a very comical moment if it weren’t for the fear swelling up in her chest.

“Don’t you touch her!” growled Justin. It earned him a kick in the shins from Cassinotto.

“Trying to stick up for your girlfriend, are we? Trying to be the wittle hero?” Cassie chuckled. Lynn’s eyes didn’t swerve from Talia’s face. She seemed strangely curious.

“Bet you liked that, didn’t you? My little man defending you?” she spat at Talia in an undertone, poking and prodding at her nose and hair.

“Don’t you spit at her, I’ll…”

“Pretty smart with the words today, are we my little man?” She retorted, finally lifting her attention from Talia to Justin. She clicked her phalanges and the muscular flyers holding Justin released him. He fell to the ground with a thump.

“Think someone might want to be mesmerised?”

What? Thought Talia. Did I hear her right? What is this crazy woman on about? She assumed Justin must’ve been just as confused by the expression he was wearing, but she was very wrong.

“Mesmerising doesn’t work when the victim is blood-related,” Justin said a hint of amusement in his voice. He was trying to recover from his fall.

“Who said I was going to use it on you ?” mused Lynn, and Talia’s suddenly felt sick. Me? Was she going to use it on me?

At once a high-pitched wailing crammed Talia’s mind and ears with an infectious sound unlike anything ever know to the teen. It contaminated every inch of her body with a noise so irritating it became impossible for her focus on anything else. What the hell is happening? she wondered frantically. A purple glow flashed from the corner of her eye and caught her attention, but it disappeared as quickly as it came.

…Listen up, you…

Was it inside her head? It seemed to halt the wailing when it spoke.

…Walk towards those bulky men, and be snappy…

And Talia thought her life couldn’t get any weirder. She searched for Justin amongst the shadows of the night. She wondered why he wasn’t escaping, or, at least, selfish she try to think it, rescue her. And what was that bizarre look on his face… was he grinning? She lost sight of everything as a grey, pixely mess swarmed her eyes, so she closed them.

…That’s an order!...

No. Who’s saying that? I’m not listening!

This time when it spoke it wasn’t in her head, but rather someone that seemed to be hovering in front of her. She opened her eyes a let out a small gasp. Lynn was intensely focused on her, invading her personal bubble, eyes glowing.

“Argh! It’s not working!” screeched Lynn, accompanied by a dirty word.

A loud THUUD of two heads, a splitting crack of somebody transforming. Talia, now distracted, saw Justin deliver a powerful swing of the wing to Cassie, screaming as the force lifted her into the air and slammed her into a tree several feet away. He was, at long last, doing something!

“Change, Talia, change!” shouted Justin.

Talia did exactly as she was told. A familiar rush of adrenalin, the feeling of being completely weightless. Her wings sprouted from her spine and she flew up a few metres in the air. As she did so, her feathers accidently brushed against Lynn’s cheek. As a child suddenly awoken from a daydream, Lynn snapped back into reality.

“Get back down here, you stupid girl!”

“You are never going to touch her again!”