Barriers I build up to block me from the aftermath,
Maybe they will shield me, shield me from disaster,
But for you it’s too late, they’ve been pulled down, and down
And I see you’re dead without me.
The sight of you, I’ll place my shades and hide,
Let the space all near me, near me melt swiftly,
The icy ghoul’s laugh, my heart’s now pierced, and pierced
But I’m not the one to be pitied.
Two delicate flowers, floating on the sea,
One’s drowned and broken, the other one’s me-
Ask, all you want now,
But silence’s the receive,
My pain’s too, shame now,
To share with your physique,
Cry, behind a mask,
Yearn, for moving on,
Cry, behind a mask,
Hide, hide behind it.
The question is, they ask me now is blunt and without care,
Mindless faceless robots, robots unaware,
Shouldn’t they go squawking, to the one numb, and gone?
Better them be safe, then sorry.
Innocent young buds, clueless to, the chance of role reverse,
Nursing enemy’s hope, feeding think-so’s,
In the wake of what’s turned to be damned…
Turned to be damned, be damned,
And to think, all I wanted was love,
All I wanted was love-
Ask, all you want now,
But silence’s the receive,
My pain’s too, shame now,
To share with your physique,
Cry, behind a mask,
Yearn, for moving on,
Cry, behind a mask,
Hide, hide behind it.
From far away I will witness this mess,
And blame it all on my atrociousness,
And the scars from the memories will never lay to rest,
For the time I put my heart forth you could never be the best-
Ask, all you want now,
But silence’s the receive,
My pain’s too, shame now,
To share with your physique,
Cry, behind a mask,
Yearn, for moving on,
Cry, behind a mask,
Hide, hide behind it.
Beg, all you want now,
But disgrace’s too far deep,
My pain’s too, fresh now,
It’s not for you to keep,
Cry, behind a mask,
Shout and let it all out,
But cry behind a mask,
And hide far behind it.
And to think, all I wanted was your love.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,521 Literary Works • 672,596 Reviews
First off, you have waaaay to many commas. You don't need a comma every place where the reader should pause for breath. I won't go over it all, but you should ask an english teacher or google for comma rules, because you had a lot of unecessary commas.
I liked the theme, and for the most part your rhythm is good. However, there are places that just don't fit. In fact, as for the actual diction, it sounds choppy. I feel like there are places where you just forgot what you were saying. Like the chorus:
keep writing!
Now, with that out of the way, this is great.
"Ask, all you want now,
But silence’s the receive,
My pain’s too, shame now,
To share with your physique,
Cry, behind a mask,
Yearn, for moving on,
Cry, behind a mask,
Hide, hide behind it."
I don't like the second line. It fits with the flow and all, but it just sounds weird. Maybe say, but Silence you receive. Something more like that. Don't just manipulate the sentence to fit the way you want it to. Also, "My pain's too," too what? that line doesn't make any sense at all.
And, yearn for moving on doesn't seem to fit all that much either. It seems too blunt. I think you could find a more creative way for wording that.
All in all, this needs some work. Read it to yourself, not as the lyrics of a song, but as a poem. Make sure it isn't choppy. Make sure you are actually saying what you want to say.
that's all, I hope I helped you.
I really enjoyed this and I thought most of it was well written, except for the main chorus and kind of the second chorus near the end
"Silence's" seems to be very odd to use here. When I tried to see how it would sound if being sung...well it just doesn't sound right. It's the same when you put "disgrace's". It would be a lot better if you put "Silence is" and "Disgrace is" because it flows a lot better. Seriously, try singing those parts and you will see what I'm talking about.
I LOVE this. Great job!
My only critique is:
Here you had a rhyming scheme, and I really loved it!
But here all you did was repeat. Not that it's bad, I was just expecting rhyming.
Again, Great job! Keep writing
xoxo,
Kiicoh.