16+ Violence

Stoneslide - Prologue Part 2

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

“Juniper!” Ketani shouted. He swung around to face Bansen and Rozalin. “The hawk, did it get her?”

Bansen shook his head, jaw set grimly. “No. Lucky mouse though.” He turned back to the army, and Ketani could make out moonlit figures readying their bows.

Rozalin shook her head. “Good for you, Ketani, but the army is getting closer. Get everybody with a weapon.” She ran down the rock, wasting no time.

Ketani shot a glance at the rock to see Juniper watching him. He felt a tug of pain. Not because of an arrow, but because of worry for Juniper and quite frankly all the mice below the surface. “It’s alright, Juniper! You’ve got Flekkanos, right?”

The reply was prompt; a quick nod of a silhouette. “Good. Then run before any Frozenmoon mice get you. Wolf Plains will be safest now!” He looked around him, and he was the last mouse on the boulder.

The first arrows were beginning to be shot. The slivers of bark dipped in metal began whizzing by him, and Bansen himself was nearly missed.

“Get down here, Ketani,” Bansen called. “Now!”

Still, with the arrows whizzing by, Ketani Highfeather checked to see if Juniper was out of harm’s way. She wasn’t visible on the stone.

The hawk that went for Juniper just circled the air, and then started to fly back to the army. Ketani immediately started to run for the tunnel’s end, and back beneath the ground.

“Holy Hawk, Ketani.” Ketani was grabbed by Brightwhisker, the old mouse glaring at him fiercely. “What’s going on up there?”

It only took one worried look from Ketani before Brightwhisker must’ve clued in. His face fell.

“Bansen didn’t tell you?”

Brightwhisker shook his head.

“So they aren’t involving us in the battle, eh? It’s Frozenmoon. Grab all the mice and get to the forges.”

Brightwhisker nodded and started dashing towards the bunks, at least that was what the Hoof Spots squirrels called the dorms. “You aren’t the ‘Whisker yet, Ketani.”

Yet? Ketani nodded, following his leader. He was now running on all fours, turning at the tunnels behind the old mouse.

Brightwhisker stopped at the bunks, where most of the mice were, fur bristled in shock. “Where were you guys?”

Highfeather shook his head. “Frozenmoon’s up there. Who cares?”

The mice seemed to take the hint, all getting out of their bedrolls with a start. There were murmurs, and then Morlyle stood up. He murmured something under his breath that even Ketani couldn’t hear. Then the guard tuned to the rest of the Wolf Plains mice. “What would they say now, with us sleeping away the battle? Let’s get those Frozen mice out!” Morlyle shouted, pointing to the door.

Mice immediately started moving out, swinging a weapon from the hooks above their moss beds to their paws. They all kept their weapons in close to their body, as they were told to. The hoppers stood still in the giant burrow, only moving to get out of the ways of the older mice. Morlyle was the last of the mice out, besides Brightwhisker and Ketani. “Are Flekkanos and Juniper safe? Juniper wasn’t at training.”

Ketani Highfeather nodded. “I told them to start running back for Wolf Plains, alright? There’s a battle going on and we’ll need all paws with their weapons.”

Morlyle smiled half-heartedly, black eyes shining. “Let’s get rid of this army once and for all.” With a javelin in his paws, he started running down the tunnels.

Ketani nodded, and after Brightwhisker, started to run for the forges. He left training to look for Juniper before he was given a weapon. That would need to be remedied.

He remembered the distinctive soft, orange light that Juniper had shown him before, on one of their many outings together. He hoped she was safe. In the tunnel, any light was easily seen, be it from a skylight or from the forges. Ketani stopped and in amazement stood stock-still. How Juniper would have loved to see this forge. It blazed bright and fiery, weapons glowing bright orange as they were cooled in water that just got hotter with each blade being made. Around fifty ground squirrels stood in there, blasting swords in and out at full fury. And in the giant clearing of dirt and stone, those were only the squirrels that were at the forges. Ground squirrel after ground squirrel grabbed swords, javelins, spears, anything that they could get their paws on and ran out to the skylight shrouded by heavy moss.

“Ketani, stop dawdling and get a damned weapon!” a ground squirrel shouted. Ketani nodded, realizing that it was Bansen’s voice. Highfeather looked around frantically until he saw a glass spear. He grabbed it, wading through the ground squirrels running out in a mostly neat line. He started running with the Ground squirrels but as soon as Ketani got by, Bansen stepped in front of the other Ground squirrels. “You’re all fantastic fighters, but we need to have half our forces above ground and half of them below. Go into all the skylights you can and keep watch at them. If the Frozenmoon mice don’t fall into the traps, then pull them down and stab them. If they do fall though, we don’t want them alerting the others. Put them out of their misery quickly.”

The ground squirrels nodded.

Bansen shook his head, and started clapping his hands. “Then get on the move on. This is the battle that we’ve all been waiting for!” There were no words. The ground squirrels all seemed to nod simultaneously, and then started running back. An older squirrel nodded. “General Kane,” Bansen said. “I thought you had the…” He paused, eyes wider than a lake. "The chokers."

“Still do. But if I’m going to die, I’m going to die fighting. Ungh!” he grunted, collapsing onto his knees. He had a coughing fit that lasted only a few seconds. “Alright, Bansen. I’m not going to pull down Frozenmoon warriors like a coward. I’m going up there and fighting this battle to the death.”

Ketani started running up, looking at what was happening before him. Warriors were now fighting left and right, and arrows were no longer being flung. Behind him, Ketani saw Edvard letting as many of his own arrows fly to the Frozenmoon mice.

Ketani deflected a blow with his glass spear, and then twisted it around. It was almost instinctive. He kicked forwards to stop the blow of the nearly black mouse’s sword and then pushed his glass spear forwards. It stabbed her through the chest, and as the mouse choked with blood sputtering out of her mouth, Ketani wondered what it really meant to fight. Finally, the mouse’s yellow eyes dimmed and glazed over.

It was to kill. All of these mice still had thoughts. Their own families… But Highfeather had his own family to worry about too.

Ketani ran into the battle. He was doing this to protect Wolf Plains, and never again be taken over by this scourge. With every mouse he would kill, he was saving the life of other good mice. He struck once more, instinctively ducking his head at another mouse. He glared, dark blue eyes shining. The black-headed mouse didn’t choke. In fact, he wasn’t even hit.

“So what’s that, old mouse?” he teased, curling his lip up. “Is Sandil too much for you? You can’t handle true power? The power of purity?”

Ketani breathed in, trying to let himself stay mostly calm. Anger in a battle was dangerous, the eagle circling your head. “No,” he said. He turned around, swinging his spear to hit him on the head.

This warrior was far more trained than the other one. He ducked and swung his sword at Ketani. It slashed at his leg and he cried in pain. Ketani glared at the young mouse, who looked as if he were no older than fifteen seasons. He kicked Ketani, throwing the older mouse to the ground. “Don’t act like I don’t know who you are,” he said. “Ketani Highfeather, the mouse who sucks up to Brightwhisker. Maybe you’ll be leader of your oh-so-precious Wolf Plains some day. Course, if I let you live.” He kicked Ketani in the stomach, and the mouse on the ground writhed. His spear lay inches away from him. Too far to be grabbed.

Ketani widened his eyes, wondering what else this mouse knew. The young mouse’s sword was touching Ketani’s chest, the long straight blade glittering in the moonlight. “How’d you know this?” he asked, shuffling closer to his spear. If he could just grab it, then his life would maybe be saved.

“I have my informants, Burrower,” he spat. “Living right in your city.”

Highfeather nodded, trying to keep the distraction going. He felt the blade clipping his fur by every little bit he moved. He looked over at the spear. Without a second word, he rolled over, wincing as the sword ran down his side. He jolted out of the way just in time for the young mouse to thrust his sword down, and Ketani grabbed the spear. While the young mouse was unbalanced, he got to his feet quickly, holding his sword out. Just before the black and white mouse could get his full balance Ketani mustered the will to kick him to the ground. He held the spear close, the tables now turned on this young warrior.

It made the mouse look even more intimidating. Ice blue eyes glowing and some inner instinct burning, he kicked the mouse down. The warrior grunted, and the looked straight into Ketani. The eyes weren’t like a soldiers. They blazed in fear, and the young mouse started grabbing for his sword. Ketani kicked them away. He was not going to be killed by this mouse. He wouldn’t be killed by any of them.

Ketani looked up and around him, checking that no mouse would stab him from behind or was charging at him right now. “You, young mouse…” He shook his head. The dark blue eyes were like a hopper. No, they were those of a hopper, a child even. “You can leave, but if you come back… If you come back, there won’t be any mercy from me or the rest of Wolf Plains.”

He reminded her of Juniper. The same dark blue eyes, though not near as warm as hers. They were strange, scared, but still angry.

Angry like a bitter mouse, envious of something.

The young mouse glared, brushed his paws, and didn’t even bother picking his sword up. He just ran through the turmoil, the Frozenmoon mouse in his red ochre paint, pretending to swing wildly as though he were fighting. Maybe he was, Ketani realized.

Rozalin had a rapier that she was using well, stabbing into opponents and running on. She seemed to have no emotion as she did it, but then Highfeather saw the gang of mice that started to surround Rozalin. Ketani’s eyes widened. The young mouse glared and started spinning around, but the Frozenmoon mice jumped away at the first hint of Roz’s blade. Then they started advancing.

Rozalin started looking around wildly, looking for any break in the wall of warriors. Ketani started advancing from behind the circle, hoping no mice could see him. Rozalin shut her eyes, preparing for death, it seemed. Ketani Bit his lip. He narrowed his eyes. Nobody would kill his student, fiance, or son. Flekkanos was his son, and that would be what he would call Flekkanos. Ketani leaped up as soon as the first mouse was about to swing at Rozalin, who looked as though she realized her only defense was swinging around wildly. He brought his spear down immediately, blocking out the sounds of the battle. The dying mice, ground squirrels, even the Hoof Spots prisoners were too much.

Dying, death, pain, and horror. That was war. He blocked out the choking sounds of the mouse whose lung had been stabbed through. Ketani saw Rozalin’s surprised face, bright green eyes blazing. He saw the mice change formation immediately.

Now they were surrounded. Ketani breathed in, hoping Rozalin could hear what he would have to say next. He pulled his spear from the dark gray mouse, watching her cough away her last breaths. He narrowed his eyes. If it could be over. He, nor any creature, should have to endure this. “Roz,” he whispered, hoping the rosy-blond mouse could hear it.

She flicked her ears, a Burrowing technique that was passed from trainer to trainee since even Amberwhisker’s time. She was listening.

“Good,” he whispered. Hoping nobody was listening, he continued. “Now. When the time comes, stab forward. If we can lower their numbers, we’ll be able to fight them.”

“Kay,” Rozalin whispered. Ketani knew he couldn’t fight well. It was why he was a burrower, not a guard. “Give me the signal.” The signal was always code for whiskers, ears, and the tail twitching all at once.

Ketani twitched his tail, whiskers and ears. Rozalin nodded, and then they stabbed outwards. Two mice were impaled on their weapons, and in a fleeting moment, Ketani felt… Different. He shook his head from the cloudy feeling. He was in training for less than an hour, but remembered to keep a clear head. One of the constant cries from Captain Bansen. He grabbed Rozalin’s paw, and the argente mouse looked up at him in surprise. “You’re my student Roz, one of the best that I’ve ever had. Let’s fight this battle, and if by some hawk-forsaken reason we die, then so be it.”

***

Captain Bansen leaped into the air, striking down a mouse with a swipe of his claws. He didn’t even bother to use his barbed wire whip.

Highfeather had run a small distance and struck his spear into a mouse about to attack Rozalin, but seemed to have a considerable less amount of enthusiasm. He hadn't ever killed a creature for anything, even if the creature honoured Sandil, god of Frozenmoon, mouse hell.

Bansen had no way with words, but managed to say, "It's okay Ketani. These mice are monsters. Be glad you killed them."

Ketani nodded grimly, and barely missed a Frozen mouse's attack with his dagger. He stabbed harder, and the mouse choked and died, as this was a more dangerous hit to his heart. Ketani threw him off his spear and grunted, but the mouse made his way to the ground.

A pure black mouse with chilly blue eyes glared at him, and bared her teeth. She was small, and by her facial features she could be barely older than four seasons old. She ran, and with her over-sized dirk, leaped with so much power as to reach his height. She thrust her dagger down, narrowly missing Bansen. This little mouse was dangerous. She lifted again, and was now over Bansen's head. If she succeeded her blade would hit his brain. He swung his paw over, and flung the mouse out to the side. She sprawled over the ground, but dusted herself off. He heard her leap again from behind, and than a small cry of pain from the little mouse.

"I've got this little brat, Sarth. You need to find Tandrai," Rozalin growled, and the rosy-blonde's fur bristled to make the stocky mouse look twice as large. It worked.

He ran towards a mouse aiming to get the mouse called Edvard from behind, but Edvard turned around and looked in fear at what was above the captain before he struck the Frozen mouse with his elbow, staggering him to the ground.

Bansen turned his head up, and his blood went cold. In a silent swoop, a bright red hawk had him in its talons, and he felt the sharp claws pierce his back fur. He cried out in pain, but couldn't help but stare as with each hefty, wind filled flap of the red tailed hawk's wings, he was lifted exponentially higher into the sky. It chilled his blood more than the war cry of Frozenmoon's army.

He could see the carnage from his view up there, but he still had his whip in his paw. He grunted, and threw it into the sky, trying to hit the hawk in its hypnotizing amber eyes.

He saw the black metal hit its mark, and even captain Sarth had to cringe when he saw the ungodly amount of blood that can fall out of a hawk's eye. It shreed again, and his ears rang. He heard a sharp cry, and the crack of a whip, completely different from his barbed wire one.

"This is our battle, Sklar. You will not fall. If you do, it will be your undoing." A voice came from above, a sweet silky voice disguising that of pure psychopathy. "But meanwhile, bird... I have to deal with this squirrel here." She whipped once more, and it sounded like the hawk swore, however gravelly its voice was.

The mouse carrying the voice crawled down, a lithe and slender mouse, with a pelt of the blackest night, just like the young mouse down there's. Her face was painted ochre, a sign of royalty among Frozen mice apparently. She was the only one to be wearing it. She shuffled around in her leather belt, and pulled out two double-sided daggers. She put them into her mouth, and then climbed down the hawk's body.

She managed a perch on the hawk's scaly talons and drove the double-sided knives into his starboard hind leg. He cried out in pain as she twisted them into his leg, slowly and methodically.

"Right into the bone," she seethed, bright blue eyes twinkling psychotically, "For whenever you walk, you'll limp, provided you survive my army's wrath at all. But I want to leave a mark on you, much more painful that way. Nice and slowly," she said, thick fur swaying wildly in the cool air from their altitude. "Why?" she laughed. "You attacked my daugh-" She was cut off as a glass rod pierced through her body and she coughed. Blood sputtered out of her mouth, and then she slid off the slender, twisted spear. He looked up, and there was more blood coming from the hawk's stomach. It choked itself, and flapped weakly for moments.

The hawk lost altitude. With a thought as quickly as he could, he climbed the side of the hawk, and one of the daggers fell out of his legs. It flailed to the ground helplessly.

He was on top of it, and the hawk, with its ochre-painted head feathers, died after the stomach acid was draining out over his feathery underside. It dropped immediately, and he was thankful that he had the spear in his hands so that he wouldn't accidentally impale himself once the hawk landed. He looked at it closely, while taking a grip onto the leather reins that the dead mouse had used before what could only be imminent death.

It landed with a sickening crunch, and Bansen had to cringe as the bones shattered from the fall. The momentum hit him in his legs, and he had to grind his teeth together to hold himself together.

Highfeather breathed in deeply, chestnut fur still bristling. "You've got the spear?" He said jokingly. A grim joke, but a joke nonetheless.

Captain Sarth Bansen breathed. "You killed her, Ketani." He dropped his whip onto the feathery back of the hawk, and tossed the glass spear to Ketani. "Take it, it's yours."

Ketani picked the glass spear up, and inspected the blood-soaked spear. He plunged it into the ground, and took a glance to his port. "That's her. Queen Tandrai."

Bansen could barely contain his triumph. "We've done it."

Ketani turned back to him. "The war is won."

Sarth nodded, and turned around, grunting as he pulled the remaining dagger out of his haunch. He struggled to stand up on top of the dead hawk, and raised what must have been queen Tandrai’s dagger. "Do you see this?" he shouted. "This is the dagger of your queen. You will leave and never fight again." He took in a deep breath. "Or Hoof Spots, Wolf Plains, and all the cities down to even Saldiro will fight. We will track you down and destroy you all."

There were murmurs in the crowd of Frozen mice, and he climbed down the hawk with difficulty, as the mouse that looked barely four seasons old walked up and stopped at the pitch black body of the queen. A tear rolled down her cheek. She opened her mouth, but no sound came out.

He just killed this mouse's mother. Bansen breathed in. It was bad enough to kill a creature, but killing a mother to now orphaned young ones was worse. He stepped towards her tentatively. "Little mouse, what's your name?" He asked, stroking her fur in sympathy.

A larger mouse, pure white with flaming amber eyes, stepped forwards. He bared his teeth, and Bansen realized how young the both were. "Her name is-"

He was cut off as the young mouse shoved him away, yet managed to be gentle about it. "M-My name is Tulun."

Highfeather, a tower over even a ground squirrel, shrunk and took the tiny mouse in his paws. "I can't leave her to the wild, Sarth. I'll take her in, and the other one."

"What? They're Frozenmoon mice. It's one thing to let ‘em live, but to take two in to live in your city. What if the big white one becomes 'Whisker? Will he take Wolf Plains and turn it into the next Frozenmoon?"

Highfeather lowered his ears, and then patted Tulun's head. "It's a risk I'm willing to take." To the rest of the Wolf Plains mice, he breathed in. “Wolf Plains mice. Back home we go!”

Out of the corner of Bansen’s vision, a mouse slipped out of the ranks of Wolf Plains.

***

Juniper looked across the field, breathing in hopefully. All the screaming of battle had stopped. It had been only a short time since the first cry had started. What caused the battle to end so quickly? The death of Highfeather or Bansen? She hoped not. Biting her lip, she continued trekking down the cow-stomped field.

She then flicked her ears. She heard something, and it wasn’t Flekkanos. Flekkanos had worn himself out, even though he didn’t do any of the walking.

“Hello?” she whispered. She tried looking for a weapon, just in case a Frozenmoon mouse tried to follow her. There wasn’t even a thorn on the ground. She tensed up, hoping to see someone. She looked back, noticing the grove of trees she was close to. The circle of birch, pussy willow, and spruce was a landmark she remembered. Maybe there’d be some sort of weapon in there. The black-and-grey mouse started backing away to the trees.

The creature following her didn’t reply.She started turning back, ready to run for the woods. She was barrelled over by some creature she didn’t know about. She rolled over to the ground. She looked around from the ground. Thank the Great Hawk her satchel with Flekkanos in it was tossed to the side in the right moment. He’d probably be less hurt than her.

Juniper choked as she felt a strong paw on her neck. She felt a warm breath on her neck, and then a chuckle in her ear. “This one’s for Carin. Maybe Ketani will see you there, lying dead and lifeless on the ground. Then he will feel my pain. And only then.” He growled. She felt the pain lessen from her neck as he lifted off. At least it sounded like a male mouse. She felt a kick on her stomach that shot a pang of agony through her. “Maybe,” He began. “You’ll see good ol’ Brightwhisker in Eversun. Or Frozenmoon. Whichever,” He said, kicking her to the side again. She closed her eyes and rolled over in pain. Let it be over. “Fits you.”

He kicked her again, and as she rolled over for the third time, she was stopped by him putting his hind paw in front of her. She caught a glimpse of brown fur hanging from the leg in front of her. “And don’t think, miss, that you’ll get a choice.” She felt a stabbing pain in her chest, and she opened her eyes wide. She couldn’t even scream as the weapon was pulled out of her and stabbed back into her from all angles, like killing a weasel that dared enter Wolf Plains. She only mustered the strength to cough out blood and cry quietly.

Then the stabbing stopped. She coughed out blood,and without the energy to even see if Flekkanos was safe, she closed her eyes. For the last time, she didn’t know.

She then heard the mouse again, whispering in her ears. “Don’t think I’ll leave you to die slowly either, Juniper. Maybe your hopper will get caught by a hawk crawling around. Looking for the mother that abandoned him. Or maybe I’ll take him in myself,” he chuckled. “See you later, Juniper.” One more swift kick to the side, and then everything went black.

(I apologize for the length of this work. I just wanted the prologue to be 2 parts. That's it. XD)

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Pretzelstick
Review

Heya MaddieMouse, pretzelsing here for a review of this next part of your prologue. There is just so much action here and some things that were unclear to me.
Anyways,let's begin,shall we?

At the beginning,while Ketani was taking his time and trying to see if Juniper was alright was kind of unnecessary. She nods to him that she and Flekkanos is safe (at least at the beginning). Isn't that all the assurance that is needed for Ketani? He knows that Flekkanos is safe with Juniper and he goes underground to help prepare all of the other mice. That extra pause isn't really needed here.They don't have some "sweet" time on their hands,do they Maddie?

“The hawk, did it get her?”


While reading this out loud this is something that I heard:
"The hawk didn't get her?"

I think that you really need to maybe rephrase this and write something like:

"Did the hawk get her?"
Those first couple of sentences are important to catch the readers attention.Now I will try to move onto the general and talk about this second part of the prologue as a whole.

“You aren’t the ‘Whisker yet, Ketani.”


Who is this 'Whisker'? Is that a rank among Wolf Plains mice or the status of a person?(for ex.Brightwhisker) Also if you did an apostrophe on one side you have to do one on the other so it would look like this:
'Whisker'

Ketani knew he couldn’t fight well. It was why he was a burrower, not a guard.


Then why was Ketani on the front lines? Why was he even fighting if he didn't really know how? Now I understand why he was an underground type of mouse xD

I feel like we need some even more background information,in the sense that I want to know why Frozenmoon is against and warring against the Wolf Plains mice. What happened between them that is making this conflict happen? I don't think that you have mentioned this and it's very very important to always show us the reason behind an action(or at least in my opinion).

There is a spy in the city? This must be very interesting, but I think that you could show a little bit of Ketani's mental process. Maybe let him make a mental list and cross off/eliminate the mice that weren't likely to do this or think about the mice that he would like to interrogate after this is all over.

She was small, and by her facial features she could be barely older than four seasons old.


I am wondering how does Ketani know how old she is by just looking at her? I mean,what facial features suggest this way. I would like to know,and also point out,as my friend once did, How do you know exactly how old someone is?You can only know about. (also-is four seasons one year old or four years old?)

He was on top of it, and the hawk, with its ochre-painted head feathers, died after the stomach acid was draining out over his feathery underside


I think that it's very unrealistic that a little mouse killed a large hawk.Perhaps injured it,but then again,if the hawk flies higher and higher,above the trees,then no harm from the ground can come to him. I suggest to have it a tidbit more realistic you should just maybe make it injured?And,if I read correctly,it was Bensen that killed her?


Highfeather lowered his ears, and then patted Tulun's head. "It's a risk I'm willing to take."


This is kind of like stupid move on Ketani's side. I mean,he had just heard about the spies circulating around his town,and now he is willing to take in Tulun's the Queen's daughter. I am pretty sure that she harbors revenge and hatred toward Bensen for sure. Can't another family from Frozenmoon take her in? Don't they have enough honor for their Queen to take in her lonely orphan. I also assume that she has some other relatives here too. Just my opinion here.

She couldn’t even scream as the weapon was pulled out of her and stabbed back into her from all angles,


So I don't understand or picture how you can stab someone from all angles. I just imagine her being stabbed from one angle :o because that is how it usually goes.

When someone was stabbing Juniper,I felt so sad and bad,so you really did accomplish your job.To have your MC of the prologue die,and in such a short time,is fast-paced, but I really almost grieved for the loss of her.I just wondered if Juniper got a glimpse of the mouse's face or recognized the accent/voice of it? Because I would like to know a little bit more about her murdered and why the hell he wanted to kill her? Like,Juniper didn't do anything wrong to him probably,she didn't even fight. But as I see this was a way to get back at Ketani,I guess?

Just one last little comment for your last sentence.It was an authors note so you should put it in italics. But my main concern here is: you never ever have to apologize for the length of your writing.That just isn't necessary because you as a writer decide,and whatever length you do is perfectly fine <3

Anyways,that's it from me.If you have any questions then please reply below.I hope that this review helps you improve your writing.

/pretzelsing/

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

This is a part that has some important happenings, it seems! In the first part to your prologue, I thought for sure Juniper was going to get snapped up by that hawk later on. It turns out she doesn't get caught by a hawk, but by a Frozenmoon mouse? What I didn't really like about the part where she dies (?) was that I couldn't exactly picture what her killer looked like. Since it was being told from her POV, and her vision was most likely fairly fuzzy, I can understand that. But still, there should be some sort of description in there somewhere when it comes to his appearance. Maybe she can catch a glimpse of him before he begins to kick her? And you can go off of that? Just a thought. Without a good visual of her killer, I was having trouble picturing the entire scene. Just my opinion on it. ^^

What really struck me about Juniper dying ( I'm still not sure if she's dead or not xD) was that it hit me as truly emotional and sad. I mean, I've only known this character for a prologue and once you killed her I was seeing the sadness in her death. That's something that is pretty hard to accomplish in so short a time. You have to basically build up your character, find a way for your readers to relate to that character, ect..., From such a short time that we had with her, I was surprised by how much character development we have here, and how much emotion there was when she died. It is veeery well done. Keep it up.

Before I actually go into my critique, I would like to mention that a brief run-through for small typing errors is in order. Nothing too terrible, but just small things like the instead of then and so on. Those little buggers can confuse the reader, if they aren't taken care of. So just a quick reminder to make sure that those are taken care of before you publish.

He turned back to the army, now marching, not charging, but taking their sweet time to strategize as they walked.


This sentence is really quite a mouthful. I would suggest trying to cut out now marching, not charging and see how that goes? Maybe add the adjective marching to army, in the first element of the sentence? It might run smoother.

The slivers of bark dipped in metal began whizzing by


Haha, I looove this. <3 Slivers of bark dipped in metal is just too awesome; it really shows that it is mice shooting these arrows. :D

Holy Hawk, Ketani.” Ketani


Although, it technically wouldn't be considered redundant, the two Ketain's make it really seem that way when you read it out loud. Maybe replace the first Katani for something else? Maybe he has some sort of nickname or the old mouse could refer to him as boy? Just something like that, as to avoid the sound of redundancy.

“Get down here. Ketani.” Bansen called. “Now!”


Is that meant to be a comma after here instead of a period? It would make more sense if it was. ^^

Ketani spat on the ground. “Bansen didn’t tell you?” Brightwhisker shook his head. “So they aren’t involving us in the battle, eh?” Brightwhisker narrowed his eyes. “It’s Frozenmoon. Grab all the Wolf Plains mice and get to the forges.”


Who exactly is talking? I know that Brightwhisker and Ketani are speaking, but it is rather difficult to tell which one is speaking at the appropriate time. The best way to avoid confusion like that, is to separate the different dialogue of the different characters. Soo, for example:

Ketani spat on the ground. “Bansen didn’t tell you?”

Brightwhisker shook his head. “So they aren’t involving us in the battle, eh?” Brightwhisker narrowed his eyes. “It’s Frozenmoon. Grab all the Wolf Plains mice and get to the forges.”


See? Here, I really do not know who is actually talking in the second paragraph, but I took my best shot at it. If you have action sentences before dialogue, and you are mixing the action sentences with the dialogue (in the same paragraph) then it's best to put some dialogue tags in there. Just to ensure that nobody gets confused as to who is speaking. Make sense? If not, then please say so, so that I can clear up anything. :c

Frozenmoon’s army is marching on the city now.”


Is implies that it is happening the present, so now is really unnecessary.

"It's okay Ketani.


Comma after okay.

It shreed again, and his ears rang.


Shreed? I'm wondering if that is a typo, or an actual word? :)

"That's her. Queen Tandrai."


Whoah, Ketani killed the Queen? I wonder what's going to happen to him in the future, once everybody finds out that he did that.

That's basically all I can find! I did mention before that the dialogue punctuation and capitalization needed some brushing up on, but if you apply that in your later writing, I'm sure you'll do fine.

Overall, this is a chapter that has some definite emotion in it. I'm really curious to see what takes place in Chapter 1, and the question of whether or not Juniper is dead or not is reaaally grating on me! I mean, everything going black doesn't exactly mean that she's dead, right? Of course, it does imply that she could be dead, but still... nothing wrong with hoping that she isn't. At least, I hope she isn't. She seems like a super cool character. And also there's poor Ketani. :( I guess I'll have to read further to see what happens.

Keep writing!

~Cricket

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Heya! Sorry it took me a few days to get around to this.

Onto business:

Like the first part of the prologue, this is quite good. Of course, given the length of the two pieces combined, it makes me wonder if this was worth turning into a prologue or simply making it chapter one. (I suppose I shall find out, hmm?)

I can also sense a great deal of foreshadowing, which is excellent! I can't wait to see which characters end up in the spotlight later on. (I'm guessing the Frozen mice and Flekkanos, definitely, though I don't know which side any of them will be on.)

Moving on:

Like Celtic said, your dialogue is a little odd. It's stiff and mildly disjointed, not because of the dialogue itself, but because the actions around it do not quite explain everything. More important than the actions of others during dialogue are the emotions and expressions of the character speaking. For instance:

Ketani spat on the ground. “Bansen didn’t tell you?” Brightwhisker shook his head. “So they aren’t involving us in the battle, eh?” Brightwhisker narrowed his eyes. “It’s Frozenmoon. Grab all the Wolf Plains mice and get to the forges.”
I think Celtic misunderstood, and that this is all Brightwhisker speaking. However, the characters and actions placed around his dialogue don't match. Brightwhisker's eye-narrowing should come before he says "So they aren't involving us in the battle." It better explains the idea that he is suspicious. Then, before he says "It's Frozenmoon," he should have a moment of understanding. Remember: actions funnel dialogue.

I think that's all for now. As always, excellent writing. The action pieces were stunningly portrayed-- just the right balance of emotion and movement. I cannot wait to move on to the next part!

Great work!
-Buggie

Sadly, the Frozenmoon mice don't make a much larger appearance until book 2. Many of the main characters of the prologue show up in later chapters, though for Bansen I'm never sure... XD Thank you for the review!

Hi I'm Celticmusicgirl and I'll review your work today.
My review will be focusing mainly on spelling, grammar, punctuation, and how well things make sense.
First, you had one piece of dialogue that, in my opinion, was a bit wordy.
You said, "“No. Lucky mouse though.”" I think you could say "luckily" instead of "lucky mouse though". This is just a suggestion. What you have is fine, just a bit wordy. I saw a quote once that said use one word instead of two when you can or something along those lines.
Second, in the same paragraph, you said " He turned back to the army, now marching, not charging, but taking their sweet time to strategize as they walked." i think since you are referring to 1 army, it should be "its" instead of "their".
Third, you said "Ketani shot a glance at the rock to see Juniper watching him. He felt a tug of pain. “It’s alright, Juniper! You’ve got Flekkanos, right?” " I think i missed something here. does Juniper react when Ketani is, shot with an arrow I assume, to cause Ketani to reassure her? The way this reads, he gets hurt then instantly reassures Juniper before she even reacts.
Fourth, you should space out quotations by different people. For example, you said "Ketani spat on the ground. “Bansen didn’t tell you?” Brightwhisker shook his head. “So they aren’t involving us in the battle, eh?” Brightwhisker narrowed his eyes. “It’s Frozenmoon. Grab all the Wolf Plains mice and get to the forges.”"
It would be easier to determine when the speaker changes if you skip to the next line after one gets through speaking then entering the other speaker's comments. For example, Ketani spat on the ground. “Bansen didn’t tell you?” Brightwhisker shook his head.
“So they aren’t involving us in the battle, eh?” Brightwhisker narrowed his eyes.
“It’s Frozenmoon. Grab all the Wolf Plains mice and get to the forges.”
if you put each separate piece of dialogue on different lines, it helps the readers to keep up with who is speaking when.
This is all I have time for right now I will try to come back to this later if you'd like. Please feel free to message me if you have any questions or comments.



Brain freezes are temporary, but milkshakes are forever.
— SilverNight