z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter One: A Message (part one)

by Snazzy


I walked down the long halls of the AOTG, short for the Academy Of The Gifted. I looked at my watch, and started to jog. I finally reached my classroom, and I rushed in.

"And that's what you would do if-" Mr. Barnes looked over at me, and frowned. "Hello Rainey." He pointed to a desk close in front. "Nice of you to join us today." A few students snickered.

I blushed and sat down, plopping my backpack onto the floor next to me. A tall girl with blonde hair looked over. She smirked, and looked back at Mr. Barnes. I smiled politely, and looked at the board. On the front of the board was written in bold black letters- Winterhaven. I frowned, and turned to Mr. Barnes.

"As I was saying, Winterhaven is a land filled with many fascinating creatures. One of them, the Miste Giants, are one of the largest of the giants." Mr. Barnes pulled down a large picture of a Miste Giant. It's big brown eyes glistened, and his lips were drawn back in a wide smile. "Though they are very rare, only about five are left in all of Winterhaven." Mr. Barnes continued.

I raised my hand. Mr. Barnes ignored me. "They mainly feed on..." He coughed. "Errr, human flesh."  A few students groaned. I raised my hand higher. Mr. Barnes sighed. "Yes, Rainey."

"Why are we learning this?" I asked, twisting the charm on my bracelet.

Mr. Barnes hesitated, something he never does. "There will be-er-, field trips..." He stuttered when he spoke.

I frowned. "Okaaaay..." I drew out the word, pondering what he had just said.

Mr. Barnes nodded. "Right. Now as I was saying, the Miste Giants normally feed on human flesh, therefore should be avoided at all costs."

I raised my hand again, and a few students laughed. Mr. Barnes silenced them with a stern look, and glanced at me. He coughed. "Yes, Rainey..." He said, slightly annoyed. I smiled.

"How do people know that Miste Giants eat humans? I mean," I paused twirling my pencil around in the air. "-was there some sort of, I don't know, expedition? To see if they do?"

"Well-"

I interupted him. "And how would that expedition even be possible? I mean, wouldn't they have to actually, bring a real live human?"

"Rainey-"

"Well I guess they could, but that would be sort of dangerous..." I talked slowly, thoughtful.

"Rainey!" Mr. Barnes yelled.

I stopped twirling the pencil, and looked up at him. "What?"

Mr. Barnes sighed. "We just know, Rainey. Not everything has a complicated reason..." He said, glaring at me.

"But there is Mr. Barnes! There has to be! The world is a complicated place!" I twirled my pencil again.

Mr. Barnes shook his head. "Are you questioning my teaching?"

I frowned. "Well, you are the one with the fancy degree and such..." I said, and Mr. Barnes smiled. "But what good is a piece of paper?" A couple of students 'ooohhhed'.

Mr. Barnes face turned a bright red. He motioned me to his desk. I flinched, and stood. Slowly I made my way over to his desk. He leaned in closer to me.

"I would like to see you after classes today Rainey..." He murmured, glancing at his watch. He then stood as the bell rang.

I sighed. "Whatever." I grabbed my backpack and flung it across my shoulder. The tall blonde girl stood, and looked at me. She whispered something to another girl, and then walked over, her green eyes shimmering.

"Hello," she said simply.

I smiled a little as I searched through my bag for my schedule. "Hi."

"I'm Kiara." She chirped, and looked at my bag with searching eyes. "Watcha' looking for?"

"Schedule." I muttered, searching harder.

Kiara laughed. "Oh, I'm sorry! You're new here, aren't you?" I nodded. "What's your name?" She asked.

"Rainey..." I said, looking up from my bag.

Kiara muffled a giggle, and looked back at the girl. She smirked. "Ummm....Rainey. You have the same classes as me...P.E. is next." She trailed off looking at the clock. "Come on. I'll show you."

I followed her reluctantly. Finally she stopped outside big double doors. "Here we are!" She opened one of the doors. I nodded and stepped in. She followed me.

The first thing I saw was a large bald man with a long red beard covering half his face. The large man looked over at me. "Aye! Ye must be the new lassie!" He boomed. "What's 'yer' name?" I cowered beneath him.

"Rainey..." I muttered, looking around. Two boys near the edge of the gym threw a couple of dodgeballs at the ceiling. The large man broke out into a wide grin. Not that I could see it, his beard was in the way.

"Well hello Rainey! Welcome to the AOTG!" He paused looking over at the boys. "The name's Bearnard Lochland...but ye can call me Coach Loch." Conor winked, and looked back over at the boys. "Aye! You over there! 'Git' back here!" He ran over to the boys.

I sighed. "Great..." I muttered, and turned back to Kiara. But she wasn't there. I looked towards the locker rooms, and walked towards the door.

"Wait, you mean she did!" Came a voice from inside.

I paused outside the door, and listened quietly.

"Pshh..." That was Kiara. "She's all like, weirdish, but I got her wrapped around my finger."

This time a third voice sounded quietly. "Are you sure...? She seems, okay." There was a pause before Kiara answered again.

"She's a nobody, Jo. You heard Mr. Barnes. She's just here because the AOTG needs more students." Kiara said sharply.

I drew in a quick breath, and let it back out. I pulled open the door, and smiled. "Hey Kiara!" I chirped happily. I had to fake it out. Like I did everything.

Kiara frowned, but recovered. "Hey Rainey!" She looked over at a shorter red head. "This is Katey and this," she paused looking at an average sized girl with brown hair. "This is Jo."

Katey flipped her hair over her shoulder, and smiled. Joe looked away quickly, her face turning as red as Katey's hair. I smiled a little.

"Rainey." I said, and Katey started to speak.

"Nice meeting you." She said quickly, and headed out. Kiara smiled, and followed her.

Joe looked at me, and I smiled. "Hi." I said, and fumbled with my backpack's zipper. Joe didn't reply. She only nodded, and headed out after the two girls. I sighed, and pulled out my gym clothes. I quickly pulled them on, and changed into my gym shoes. I glanced at myself in the mirror, then headed out into the gym.

Coach Loch was saying something to the two boys, and I laughed a little. He turned around after a while, and called the students together. "Alright!" He began, his voice echoing across the gym walls. "Today we will be working on a wee bit of..." He trailed off eyeing us. "A wee bit of, teleporting."

Kiara whispered something to Jo, and smiled. Jo fidgeted a little, but nodded. I rolled my eyes. Honestly, I was nervous. This was my first training in something, supernatural. I shook away my fears, and listened.

"Each of ye will pair up with someone else, and practice, and I will monitor your progress in this do-hickey right here." He held up a small device. "Now, go!" Coach Loch exclaimed. Students scurried around finding partners. Kiara paired up with Katey, and Jo paired up with another girl. I looked around for a partner. Everyone was taken except for one tall boy with brown hair.

Coach Loch looked at us. "Go on, you two pair up."

I sighed, and walked over to him. I tried to be cheerful. "Hi! So I guess we're partners..."

The boy nodded, and I frowned. I glanced over at where the two boys had been throwing balls at the ceeling. I smiled slyly. "What were you guys doing over there?" I asked, recognizing him.

The boy smirked. "Coach Loch would never believe us, but, we were trying to get the lepruchaun down."

I laughed. "Sounds like fun. So, what's your name?" I questioned, glancing around the gym as students teleported back and forth.

"Amadeus."

I smiled a little. "Really?"

Amadeus frowned. "Yeah, what's so wrong about my name?"

I shook my head. "Nothing, that was my father's name..." I murmured.

Amadeus smiled a little. "Neat." He glanced at Coach Loch, and frowned. "Well, better get teleporting, or Coach Loch might get a wee bit angry!" He laughed.

I laughed, and nodded. "Sure." I said. "Let's get started."


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Wed Jun 07, 2017 5:55 pm
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BeTheChange wrote a review...



Your grammar is better in this version, although you do use a few too many commas.
I like this story for the most part. The plot isn't the most original thing out there, but it's not super-cliche, either--I think it has potential.
One nitpick I have is the dialogue tags. They're okay in moderation, but contrary to popular belief, "said" is usually better than "laughed", "boomed", etc.
Well, I'll take a short break and then move on to your next folder. I've looked ahead, and it's a fairly long story. I hope it's as good as, or even better than, this! :)




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Sun Mar 08, 2015 2:26 pm
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PickledChrissy wrote a review...



Heya, Chrissy here for a review!

Well, I'm going to focus on nitpicking first.

I blushed and sat down. I plopped my backpack onto the floor next to me.


It would help with the flow a lot, if you combined these two. Just a suggestion, you don't have too. They are fine the way they are, it just might help.

I blushed and sat down, plopping my backpack onto the floor next to me.


See what I mean? It helps quite a bit, because your flow is pretty poor, to tell the truth. Don't worry. Just needs a little work. Also, try not to start so many sentences with "I".

He coughed. "Errr, human flesh." He muttered.


The "He muttered" was unnecessary, I think. You can just take it out. It doesn't add anything.

"Well I guess they could, but that would be sort of dangerous..."


I like this line, and I LOVE how she is droning on and on, but how is she saying it? Is she thoughtful? Talking slowly? Come on, give us a little bit of info. Show, not tell.

"RAINEY!" Mr. Barnes yelled.


Oh, no. You didn't. I must be dreaming. Never capitalize words. If you are trying to give his voice volume, then the "yelled" is fine.

Kiara muffled a giggle


You got your point VERY well here. She came across as fake, a bit of a drama queen. The kind of girl that's used to being in the spotlight. Confident in her powers of manipulation, is she. Something tells me she is going to find out otherwise later on...

I sighed, and pulled out my gym clothes. I quickly pulled them on, and changed into my gym shoes.


I'd like to know what they looked like. The shoes and the clothes. Details are necessary for getting a good picture in your head. Talk about the color, if they are comfortable, or not. Maybe they have a bright neon green streak running down one side, and blue on the other! ;)

"Amadeus."


Actually, I like the name. Sounds cool. Don't you dare even consider changing it! just in case you were. :D

Well, this is a cool Chapter. The idea is awesome, and if the writing is a little rough, who cares? That's what we are here for! And besides, this is a first draft. They are almost always a little rough, and this is better than most I have seen.

I like your main character. She is new and still feeling out of place. Doesn't know how to shut her mouth. :D I love that reply. About the pieces of paper. *thumbs up* PERFECT!

Well, I don't have anything else left to say, at least not bad, anyways, sooo...

KEEP WRITING! :D




Snazzy says...


Thanks for the review!! :D



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Sat Mar 07, 2015 6:05 pm
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ChiravianSkies wrote a review...



Guten Morgen, SnazzyPencil. I'm Maddie and I'll be reviewing your work.
Your story's a bit confusing. It seems to be all over the place, and I understand this is to introduce things, but it doesn't seem to have any foreshadowing for the plot at all. But, nevermind.
I kinda don't like Rainey. When she asked what a degree really meant to Mr. Barnes, I kept on thinking she was *That* kid in class. The one who snarks at everything and never gets any actual learning done. Then when she smiles at her dead father's name at the end. She seems unlikeable.
I'm also very fond of teachers. These ones always seem to fall flat. At my old school, before I was homeschooled, our class knew which substitute teachers did what. Mrs Pedletsky was my personal favourite. She was the nicest of them, and we always got to do something cool at the end of the day. In total contrast, there was Mrs. Martinuk. NEVER cross paths with her. Ever.
In here, Mr. Barnes and Coach Loch seem to be very stereotypical. Barnes did what any teacher would, right down to calling her name out. Loch, well, have you heard of Gobber the Belch fron the HTTYD books, the coach from Meet the Robinsons? Yeah.
Just one last thing,

"Hello." She said simply.

Watch for this. You should add a comma instead of a period at the end of the dialogue. (But only if a tag is right after.) And never capitalize the first word of a tag.
So it would look like this:
"Hello," she said simply.
So, that's the end of my review. Work on your characters, and keep writing!
Maddie out!




Snazzy says...


:D Thanks for the review! :)



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Fri Feb 27, 2015 6:44 pm
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pmye says...



I like your story. I wonder if you could cut down on the dialogue, and work on describing the story more. I love how your story is easy to follow, and I don't get confused when reading it. Over all, I love your story.




Snazzy says...


Thanks! :D



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Fri Feb 27, 2015 3:47 pm
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Cithara wrote a review...



Hey Snazzy! I’ve finally snagged a first chapter, instead of reviewing something for the first only halfway through.

First thing I want you to look over when you revise is grammar. You have a lot of misspelled words and incorrect grammar usage, not to mention your sentence structure, especially in dialogue. Your dialogue can be touched on quite a bit, because even though dialogue is a great way to reveal characterization, it can also bore the reader or slow down a scene. Use dialogue carefully! This might help you a bit with dialogue (and other sources in the forums) Emotion Through Dialogue. Just read over your dialogue again and ask yourself, “Is this really contributing to the scene? Or is it slowing it down with unnecessary filler?”
Another thing is action. You use a lot of short sentences to describe your action, and I see a pattern with it all: [character] does this, [character] then does that, [character] and then [character] says this. Here are a few examples I found in the story:

I grabbed my backpack and flung it across my shoulder. The tall blonde girl stood, and looked at me. She whispered something to another girl, and then walked over. Her ponytail bounced.


Here you tell us (not even describe us; you have a problem with telling and not showing) what the narrator does. Then you switch us over to a tall blonde, which a very generic description, and then that person walks over. Her ponytail bounces. Okay, so why should I care her pony tail bounces? What does that add to the story? If anything, note the way she walks, and include that with her hair bouncing. Smooth this transition over with cleaner descriptions. It could go something like this: “I casually grabbed my backpack and slung it over my shoulder. The tall blonde girl stood and looked at me [possibly insert a description about her eyes, because I have no idea what her face looks like], and then proceeded to skip over to me. Her ponytail bounced as she did so, reinforcing the stereotypical blonde.” I’m not asking you to do it like this, but quite possibly my example wasn’t as choppy as your many short sentences together. Another example:

Mr. Barnes face turned a bright red. He motioned me to his desk. I flinched, and stood. Slowly I made my way over to his desk. He leaned in closer to me.

See all those short sentences? Not to mention your lack of description. You tell us very simple actions that can be interpreted in many different ways. Exactly how did she flinch? Which part of her flinched? You can detail these tiny parts without weighing down the scene. Refer to this topic to beef up your descriptions without weighing down your scene. Also, showing not telling!.

"How do people know that Miste Giants eat humans? I mean," I paused twirling my pencil around in the air. "-was there some sort of, I don't know, exepedition? To see if they do?"
"Well-"
I interupted him. "And how would that expedition even be possible? I mean, wouldn't they have to actually, bring a real live human?"
"Rainey-"
"Well I guess they could, but that would be sort of dangerous..."
"RAINEY!" Mr. Barnes yelled.

Many misspelled words here, and your dialogue is short and choppy. Instead of typing “RAINEY!” in all caps, just say “Rainey!” because you’re already indicating that he’s yelling, so don’t double up on his scream. That’s where showing comes into play, and that’s something, as I’ve mentioned before, you don’t do at all. It’s not something that can’t be fixed, but when you go back to revise, really think. What’s going to engage my readers when I write dialogue? If I want to go down a comedic path (which is what I feel here) how do I do it? Practice!

Another thing I want to note is in all stories, regardless the genre, there has to be an element of realism in order for the fantastical elements to thrive. If there isn’t a balance of some sort, your story will fall flat. So, this story takes place in a school. If we think about middle/elementary [as I presume this is what level they are in] we can determine that the new kid usually won’t be accepted easily. Cliché and stereotypical as it may be, it’s the truth, and one has to find ways to incorporate that.

Here’s where I see some of those unrealistic, but could be realistic, situations:
Kiara laughed. "Oh, I'm sorry! You're new here, aren't you?" I nodded. "What's your name?" She asked.
"Rainey..." I said, looking up from my bag.
Kiara muffled a giggle, and looked back at the girl. She smirked. "Ummm....Rainey. You have the same classes as me...P.E. is next." She trailed off looking at the clock. "Come on. I'll show you."


Most people normally don’t do that. They don’t giggle and come to the new girl. For one thing, how does this girl know Rainey is some of her classes? Is that was the schedule says? Do they have a list of names of the students who attend each class? It just confuses me a little bit. Moving on to the emotional parts—I’ve been in middle school, and even better yet, I’ve been the new kid in middle school. I know what it’s like, and usually someone doesn’t come to me saying “Let me show you around.” Either a teacher appoints or someone or I had to ask. Of course my situation won’t be everyone’s situation, but here I just can’t connect and I don’t believe this girl is really going to want to be nice or helpful. I’m not sure why she’s giggling either xD If you could clear that up in revision, that would definitely help the story.

As I read on, your characters start to become less believable. The coach is very stereotypical as far as Irish coaches are (yeah I have yet to meet one, but still.) The man booming almost everything he said seemed very unrealistic. Here’s a bit on Supporting Character.

I think the most intriguing part is when you introduce to us teleportation practice in gym class. What I want you to do is take that bit and beef it up. Slow that scene down so we can get a feel for what they’re actually learning. Why are they learning that? I’m confused, because the way you introduced the school was that it was a regular school. Never did you mention, “Hey this is a school for the supernatural.” I don’t want you to tell us, of course, but to show us how this is a school for the supernatural. You just casually note it at the end and how she’s afraid, etc.

And what really irks me is the whole part about her dad and his name. We don’t know who she is really, let alone her family or their back story. And maybe that name was common in this time when the book takes place? Make us believe this boy’s name being the same as her father’s name is significant to the story!

All in all, you’ve got a pretty good start. You have structure, but it’s weak and a little all over the place. Smooth your transitions and show us what’s happening—don’t tell us. That sums up my main issues with the chapter. I hope I helped in any way! If you have any questions, I’ll hopefully be around to answer them! xD
~Writer~




Snazzy says...


:D Thanks for the help! :)




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