WARNING! This story is double spaced and was made and edited in very little time. This story is also about Ancient China.
A Hero’s Word
Chapter 1: Alone
This is the courageous, wonderful story of how I, Wan Meng son of Ji and Qian Meng,
saved the day by defeating a fat pirate named Chao Yin, who captured my parents, and saved
my
parents. We first start off with me, Wan Meng, as a depressed, angry, young man. After my
parents got captured I didn’t know what to do with myself. Sometimes there would be people
glaring at me with a stern face while I browse through the markets or working at my boring, job in
the fields by the place where they dock the boats. I would sometimes just whack people in the
head for no reason and blame it on a bird or someone else. It made me feel better, okay? Back
then I was a vicious, bad, and evil person. Now I am all good. But back then, I wanted revenge.
Revenge on the pirates who captured innocent people, including my parents, and tortured them
for money. I especially wanted to kill Chao Yin, a bounty hunter who was the leader of many
pirates. He was the son of Ching Shih, the famous chinese pirate leader. With his fat, roundish
body, his dirty, uncleaned mustache, his extra extra large filthy tunic that barely fit. I especially
hated his gross, disgusting grin. You could see his yellowish blackened teeth with bits of fish
and bugs. I heard sometime his mouth would foam for no reason. Anyway, Right then and there
when they got taken from me, I learned how important my parents were to me. I would of held
onto my memories with them until I die. I had no one to care for, no one to love. No one liked me.
Probably due to the fact that I yelled at random people, but maybe because they didn’t like my
personality or my mustache. I don’t know. I also stopped going to the buddhist temple. I couldn’t
bare the constant meditation. You always have to meditate with dirty, stinky, old poor people
who are always really irritating and noisy. There is only one thing that would make me happy.
Get revenge. That’s what I wanted do. I wanted to go to the southern islands, find my parents,
kill Chao Yin, and become the hero of this story.
Chapter 2: A Hero’s Beginning
Late one night, In the year 937 C.E., Ji Meng, wife of Qian Meng, was brought home after
giving birth to her new son, Wan Meng. She came home and saw her baby in his new crib.
My mother was very attached to me. She was scared if I even got 8 feet near the door. She
wore a smile every time she saw me. My mother had to rest because she just gave birth 24
hours ago.
A few years later, I started to grow fast and was already half the size of his mother.
“We will have to stop feeding him,” said Ji jokingly, “This boy is growing too fast.”
After a couple more years, I was starting to grow less, but I was still tall for my age.
After all that growing, I was finally ready for the first day of school.
Ji said, “Make sure to make lots of friends.”
“I am the friendliest person ever! I bet “friend” was my first word.”
I was very good in school. I never did anything bad and had a good life. Most of my
friends didn’t go to school, and were my neighbors, but I never stopped trying to make friends.
More years went by and soon I got into the gifted program and graduated early at age 14. This
was most irregular, but my teacher thought I was ready.
I started to get bored. I didn’t have school, and I was too young for work. One day I
decided to go on an “adventure.” I will travel throughout
the village and go into the forest and play. “I should probably go pack some more things to
bring.”
I said while outside playing in the dirt, “I already got some tunics in my bag, but they might be too
big.”
I started to run to my house while thinking about how adventurers travel. “I know they can travel
by foot, like the silk road, but they can travel by boat too. I’ve seen someone travel on
horseback.” I was so excited, I didn’t see the smoke coming out of the village.
I was about to walk into a burning building when I noticed that I was on fire! I ran screaming as
the house fell, crumbling to the ground. I ran flinging my arms around like noodles and jumped
into the well. My clothes were all wet and and I was surprised no one was looking at me. No one
was there. I searched the houses and what I found was just a bucket full of tears. Everyone was
dead. I was in shock. After a couple hours trying to dig graves for the dead villagers, I noticed a
large, slightly burnt envelope that read,
“My dearest son,
There are pirates coming and they will try to kill us. They are all lead at the helm of Chao Yin. I
will try to persuade him to let us live. If all goes wrong, we want you to take this.
Love,
Your Father and Mother.”
There was something stuck inside the large envelope. It was a padded box and inside was my
mother’s silver necklace with jades chained to it. I put it in my bag and ran
back to the fields which was in the next village over. On the way I stumbled into people that were
checking out the smoke. They said that they traveled far and wide throughout the silk road and
the indian ocean, which was good for exploration. told them what happened, with the village.
They seemed surprised and angry. They happened to know a lot about Chao Yin and his army of
pirates. They have had many people go in and out and write things about the pirates. They would
try to send it in a bottle across seas or most commonly send a messenger bird because they
would think they would of survived. The villagers then told me to stay in their town. It had food,
large markets, affordable housing, and an overall bigger village. I accepted their offer because I
thought that was something my parents would of wanted me to do. I did it all for them.
Chapter 3: Flipped Upside down
Life was hard after the fire. I started living with the field owner, Yu Wei, who was cruel
and harsh. He told me to go back to school, even if I already graduated, and fit in with the other
kids. I took orders, but was always silent. School was the best thing I had, besides my dad’s
tunic and my moms necklace. Due to his old age, Yu Wei died of heart failure and I inherited his
house and field. Yu Wei never did marry and had been alone ever since his parents dumped
him in this village to start another family. That’s probably how he got so mean. Either that or he
had mean parents. I doubt it though. I heard they were nice. At least that’s what Ju Wang, the
town mayor of sorts(he’s mostly in charge of the town) told me. He is probably the nicest thing to
come out my miserable life at the time. He taught me how to run a business and how to maintain
a home. He was wonderful. He was like a father to me. He even lettered soldiers to find my
parents and kill Chao Yin, even though every soldier who went looking for Chao Yin always
came up missing. After 4 years went by, Ju Wang moved to a different town and I was alone for
once in my life. Nothing to do, just like when I graduated. Only thing to do was work in the fields.
That’s when my life really went downhill.
As you may remember, we left off on Chapter 1 with “travel to the southern islands, find
my parents, kill Chao Yin, and become the hero of the story.” This is where it starts to kick in. So
I packed all of my things after realizing my revenge plot and started to steal a boat. I was about
to untie the ship knot when all of a sudden I hear this familiar voice.
“Why steal that boat, when you could use this one!”
It was Ju Wang! I looked up at him and started to get on his Towered boat.
“Where you headed, kid.” said Ju Wang while giving me a hug.
“I am going to kill Chao Yin and rescue my parents.” I said while wielding a sword that I
inherited from Yu Wei.
“You think it’s as easy as 1 2 3? You need a plan.” said Ju Wang.
I pulled out a map that I was working on since the day my parents got captured. Me and Ju
Wang discussed and discussed while heading out to seas.
“So, did anything happen when I was away? Any marriages, deaths, inventions….” said Ju
Wang seeming bored after the discussion about the plan.
“Nothing,” I started to murmur under my breath. “I did sort of become depressed and angry at
everything.”
Ju Wang turned towards me.
“If we are going to talk about this, we are going to need to break out the tea.” Ju Wang unfolded
his hidden sack and pulled out some special green tea and starts making some with a candle. I
told him everything that I did and he understood why I did that unlike everyone else.
“I do have some questions for you, Ju.” I started to ask, “Like if you have pants and jacket for
this rough winter, if you have a weapon, if you…”
“All I need is right here” said Ju Wang, rudely cutting me off and pointing to his silk bag. “I also
have some questions for you, boy. Like if you know a lot about Chao Yin, or if you know how to
use your sword, or….”
“All I need is right here.” I said, cutting him off like he did to me and pointing to my forehead.
“Oh I see what you did there. You were always a smart kid. Always showing people whose
boss.”
“I know,” I reply, “I always knew. I bet my first word was “leader.”
Chapter 4: The End Of It All
After a couple of freezing cold days, we finally arrived at the small island where Chao
Yin’s boat was docked. There were men carrying silk and jade from a recent heist. There were
probably about 6 strong men carrying boxes and 3 stronger men guarding the ship with an
additional guard guarding Chao Yin, who was in the back of the boat.
“Do you remember the plan?” I asked Ju Wang while hiding behind some rocks.
“Yes. Do you have the supplies?” He responded. “Yes. Now let’s go.”
We started jumping from rock to rock hiding behind some humongous stones. I pulled out a
firecracker, lit it, and threw it at other side of the bay when the guards weren't looking.
“Hey someone’s overthere!” said one of the guards.
“GET UM’!” said the other 5 guards synchronized perfectly.
It had seemed that they do not know what a firecracker is and they haven’t had any school
education like I was lucky enough to have. I mean, a lot of kids didn’t go to school, but they
knew what a firecracker was. Anyway, we even more time to sneak into the boat, take out the
guards, find my parents and kil Chao Yin. We snuck into the boat though a tight door at the
bottom. We came up through the floorboards and I chopped of one of the guards leg off.
“EEEAA UUUGGHH AAAAHHH!!!” screamed one of the guards limping arounds and
eventually falling to the floor bleeding everywhere.
The 2 guards turn towards me trying to swing their swords at me while Ju Wang tried to search
for prisoners with 2 bronze daggers. I swung my sword back and
forth getting it blocked every time. I eventually sliced the pirate’s hand off while also killing the
pirate with the chopped of leg. I finish one pirate off with stab through the heart and I finish the other
pirate with a slice to the neck. Blood sputters everywhere while I try to block it with quick
maneuvers and I see the life drain from their eyes.
I move on to find Ju Wang. Ju wang walks down a hallway while looking at the prison
with cold almost dead prisoners and he eventually found 2 people that matches the drawing.
“Are you the parents of Wan Meng?”
Their faces shot up and my mother quickly asks, “Yes, we are. Has something happened to
him?!”
Ju Wang replied with, “No. He is fine. He and I, Ju Wang, are here to rescue you. Anyone else
who wants to come may come, but you have to run as fast as you can. We have no time to
lose.”
Around a hundred prisoners quickly escaped went to the storage room, packed a lot of food,
then ran towards the top of the ship. While the prisoners were escaping, I found the room of
Chao Yin. The guard was sleeping so it was easy to kill him with just a stab from the top of the
skull down through to the bottom of his neck. He rushed into Chao Yins room finding overweight
Chao Yin standing up saying,
“Well, well, well. You’re the savior I’ve been hearing about. You're the son of….” He froze
silently. After a few seconds he said,”The Dong family? No,no,no,no,no,no….The Liang
family….wait your the….”
I gave him like 10 seconds to figure it out.
“The Li Family?”
I stood there with my hand over my head in disappointment.
“The MENG family!” I said sternly.
He replied with, “Yeah! The Meng family! See, I was close. Now prepare to die!”
He pulled out his sword and charged so fast at me that his blubber juggled and wiggled it’s way
towards me. I dodged him and he he hit the wall and broke his nose.
“YOU MADE ME BREAK MY NOSE!!!” He said nasally and distortedly.
He swung and swooshed his sword and I couldn’t find an opening to slice him. This was the
hardest battle I’ve ever fought!. I then realized that I needed to believe. I needed to clear my mind
and let my body do wants natural I closed my body and meditated briefly.
“What on earth are you doing?!” Chao Yin exclaimed.
I felt my body swooshing and swishing around and I finally heard an “AAOOUU WWGH.” Then I
opened my eyes then I saw Chao Yin on the ground covering the wound on his stomach.
“It doesn’t matter. I fulfilled my destiny. Being the best pirate ever. Just kill me and get it over
with.”
I quickly said, “Okay.” I raised my sword and Chao Yin whimpered,
“NONONONO I WAS JUST KIDD--”
It was over. Chao Yin paid for his crimes. I then said,
“Looks like his pride,”
I then put on dark, faded glassed I got from Yu Wei’s old stuff and then said,
”Was to die for.”
Then I stormed out and met Ju Wang with the prisoners and….My parents!
We then talked about what happened in the last 8 years. I then had questions like “What was
being a prisoner like? Do you know who burnt down the house? Do you want you necklace or
can I keep it? But in the end, when we all were gobbling up food on the boat, I asked,
“What was my first word?”
My parents laughed and my mother said,
“Ironically enough, It was “hero.”
FOOD AND CLOTHING.
-------------------------------------------------------
people wore tunics
men shorter tunics to knees
women longer tunics to feet
sometimes jackets over tunics
padded jackets over tunics when cold
sometime pants underthem.
poor people made hemp/ramie clothes
rich people had silk clothes
men and women mostly long hair
“got hair fro parents disrespectful cut it”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hi I'm Terian805 and I'm going to review your work.
One thing I admired was maintaining the point of view of your main character, and conveying their view on the world. For example "I ran flinging my arms around like noodles" was a cool simile which would probably be the thoughts of a boy in Ancient China.
I also liked your choice of vocabulary, metaphors such as "and what I found was just a bucket full of tears." I liked.
As well as this you fleshed out the characters very well, and how they are looked upon by other people. When you introduced a new character they were mostly instantly described and put a good image in my head without getting to bogged down on description.
However I would improve the structure as a whole. The story does get bogged down on exposition, particularly in the first chapter and gradually gets slightly boring. To improve this try and replace it with action and tell the reader what you want to say through actual events in the story. For example when you speak about the main character being depressed and angry after his parents got captured, maybe describe him working, or in a market, and he is remembering what happened.
As well as this I found the way characters spoke to each other slightly too modern for Ancient China. Perhaps this is just me and it is not much of an error, but try to make dialogue more 'high and mighty' if you take my meaning.
There were some grammar errors but overall it was a nice little story and I recommend you keep writing!!
I'm Maddie and I'll be reviewing your work!
Ooh de lally, where do I start with this review? Maybe with the nitpicks.
The double spacing is very hard to tell where a new paragraph starts and ends. It ends up with the reader being confused.
I had no idea that China had schools way back when. I didn't believe it at first though, so had to do a bit of searching myself.
For grammar, you have pretty much the same problem I did. You didn't have a comma at the end of your sentence instead of a period. (This counts for dialogue only.)
Example:
You should write it like this: ""All I need is right here," I said,"
It's just easier to read and you won't get any more comments on your back about this. I can lead you to a link that I found amazingly helpful. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/view ... 51&t=44898
So, onto new subjects, which I'll probably dwell on just as much as any other subject.
Your style is very childlike. It seems to be the story that your teacher wanted as an assignment so you wrote it and got it done with. You add a lot of exposition that seems stilted and unnecessary in this story too. For example, Nobody goes around thinking that. It sounds like a Social Studies textbook where they claim real kids are writing for this book, but then the kids write stuff like, "I want to know how old that windmill is. I will look through a museum." Yeah. Don't be that guy. Add it in softly, such as a scene in the school.
I read a book once on self-editing once, still read it. It tells something that could very well be the precursor to showing and telling, something your story definitely needs to become acquainted with. Scenes are pieces in the work that include dialogue, characters doing things, and generally advancing the plot along with their characters. For example, once more:
Ken lifted his glass, taking a long sip, "And what's it to you?"
"My kids are what it is to me," Ash growled, "I don't want them around a drunken wreck like you." She took a step around the table and recoiled at one venomous glare from him.
So, that's a scene. But then there's something else called Narrative summary, which is just saying how that scene went, without going through the work of writing the scene. Your story is pretty much made of this. Example:
Ken and Ash argued.
See? You not only take out valuable parts of a story, but sometimes this can slow it down to molasses in January.
This story is good, and I can see it working out, but take more time in your proofreading and editing. I hope to see revised versions of this, so message me when you've got them.
Keep writing!
Maddie out!