2 lost murdered souls (villanelle form)

Wondering souls:

With shattered hopes and kidnapped dreams that tie our hearts in laces,
Lost souls on an open path confused but devastated
With thoughts of what we’ve loved but lost, that ships tears down our faces.

Now alone, all blue and cold, we’re done with airs and graces,
Blinded by our soulless eyes, with no blood, but fuelled by hatred.
With shattered hopes and kidnapped dreams that tie our hearts in laces,

He snatched away our happiness, now replaced by empty spaces -
Occur tiny voids inside our minds, our futures fixed and fated,
With thoughts of what we’ve loved but lost, that ships tears down our faces.

Waiting here in the in-between, watching over our families paces,
We’ve stalked them since our final night; broken, lost and weighted,
With shattered hopes and kidnapped dreams that tie our hearts in laces,

Wondering around this now untouchable world, we can leave no marks or traces
Now we’re done, invisible, our lives are gone and dated.
With thoughts of what we’ve loved but lost, that ships tears down our faces.

The story of two murdered girls rest at the top of unsolved cases,
Our bodies lie still like marbled rock, lives gone but once created
With shattered hopes and kidnapped dreams that tie our hearts in laces,
With thoughts of what we’ve loved but lost, that ships tears down our faces.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
shatteranged
Review

Yes, it should be "wandering", not "wondering".

With thoughts of what we’ve loved but lost, that ships tears down our faces.

Are you using "ships" as a synonym for "sends"? I had to read this line a couple times before I understood what you were trying to say. Like MrMustard mentioned, "ships" is usually used in the context of delivery/packaging, so the conjunction of "ships" + "tears" feels rather awkward to me.

Now alone, all blue and cold, we’re done with airs and graces,
Blinded by our soulless eyes, with no blood, but fuelled by hatred.

I like the first line! The rhythm is good, the meaning is clear, and fits well with the theme of your poem. Because they're dead ("all blue and cold") they no longer have any need for politeness ("airs and graces"), whether it be genuine or artificial. The second line, however, is much too vague in comparison - the phrase "blinded by our soulless eyes" in particular doesn't make any sense to me. How can one be blinded by soulless eyes? Also, is "with no blood" again referring to the fact that the girls are dead, or is it referring to something else?

Waiting here in the in-between, watching over our families paces

I think you mean the possessive, "families' paces".

The story of two murdered girls rest at the top of unsolved cases,

The rhythm sounds off, like there's an extra syllable. May I suggest, "The story of two murdered girls rest atop of unsolved cases"?

The phrases "shattered hopes" and "what we've loved but lost" are common and overused, but they're not necessarily bad phrases because they definitely get the point across - cliches are cliches because they're tried and true. However, I do feel that your refrains could be stronger if you could replace them with something more original.

I hope my review isn't too harsh... I enjoy villanelles and I know they're difficult to write because of the rigid structure. In consideration of this, you did a really good job with this poem overall. Looking forward to reading more material from you, keep writing!

User avatar
armstronge
Review

This is good. I can feel the emotion in it!

"#FF0000 ">Wondering around this now untouchable world, we can leave no marks or traces
Now we’re done, invisible, our lives are gone and dated.
With thoughts of what we’ve loved but lost, that ships tears down our faces."

Is the word "wondering" supposed to be "wandering"?

You might have over done the phrases "With thoughts of what we've loved but lost, that ships tears down our faces." and "With shattered hopes and kidnapped dreams that tie our hearts in laces."

But other than that, the poem is great! I love it! Keep on writing!

User avatar
MeanMrMustard
Review

Hey, Maddi, I enjoy villanelle's, and I have time to do a well thought out review for you. So to begin...

MaddiRose wrote:Wondering souls:

With shattered hopes and kidnapped dreams that tie our hearts in laces,
Lost souls on an open path confused but devastated
With thoughts of what we’ve loved but lost, that ships tears down our faces.


So "Wondering", I'll make notice see if this is clear in the poem's details and overall theme. Title isn't such a big thing, but it can shed light on poem's quality.
"With", by starting out this way we're in media res, as the action has occurred and we are being filled in.
I wonder, do you use "shattered" and "kidnapped" to allude to what happened to the females? Also, who's heart is being tied into laces. By narration throughout the poem, then it's the dead souls of the women...however is it best with what you're attempting that THEIR hearts are heavy? Or those that loved them?
The second line is, interesting, it can only be judged by later content. Careful with words like "open", whose path?
The third repeats my sentiment from before, who is the speaker? We shall make sure later on~
(Also, "ships"? In the modern sense that has to do delivery and packaging, and it's not clear if you mean otherwise with the implicit action being shown. It's too perfunctory to be convincing.)

Now alone, all blue and cold, we’re done with airs and graces,
Blinded by our soulless eyes, with no blood, but fuelled by hatred.
With shattered hopes and kidnapped dreams that tie our hearts in laces,


Hmm, this first line is a snag. Are the souls blue and cold? Clearly I won't know until later, so that's fine for now. However, "we're done with airs and graces,"...I think I know what you mean, but then I'm not sure if I do at all. This might mean something to you, but to the reader, it's fluffy language that has no additional, ambiguous meaning.
So in the second line...we have interesting wordplay at first, and then some inclusion of blood, but there's hatred. What's this mean? This time, you have a meaning behind these words, but I'm not sure if it's clear to you.
Does blood have anything to do with being blinded by rage, or a soul (where do soulless eyes come from)? I would be careful with phrases like "blinded by rage" and adapting it to such a poem form like this. It just doesn't fit to me.
So this line now again (third one), and I have to admit, I'm not sure who this speaker is. Maybe the loved ones of those who have passed? Maybe the dead people? The real problem is there is not real clear indication of voice when the reader would need it.

He snatched away our happiness, now replaced by empty spaces -
Occur tiny voids inside our minds, our futures fixed and fated,
With thoughts of what we’ve loved but lost, that ships tears down our faces.


The first two lines tell me what's obvious. When you make the reader aware of what's loss an tragedy, there's no need to beat around the proverbial bush any longer. This would have been much more jarring and compelling if you just came out and said "They was killed by a bad man, from the bad place". I think you're using too much flowery language right now, which is making it harder to see how "Wondering souls" fits this poem, and robs your repeated rhyme here of its heavily needed importance.

Waiting here in the in-between, watching over our families paces,
We’ve stalked them since our final night; broken, lost and weighted,
With shattered hopes and kidnapped dreams that tie our hearts in laces,

Wondering around this now untouchable world, we can leave no marks or traces
Now we’re done, invisible, our lives are gone and dated.
With thoughts of what we’ve loved but lost, that ships tears down our faces.


Both of these stanzas give me the same feeling as the one before, but I'm beginning to feel like they're just tacked on. However, it is nice to see that the souls of the departed are the speakers, so that clarifies the title a little, though it doesn't make your repeated rhymes as strong as you'd like.

The story of two murdered girls rest at the top of unsolved cases,
Our bodies lie still like marbled rock, lives gone but once created
With shattered hopes and kidnapped dreams that tie our hearts in laces,
With thoughts of what we’ve loved but lost, that ships tears down our faces.


The second line here, the meter is "o-UR bod-IES LIE st-ILL LIKE mar-BLED ROCK, LIVES GONE but ONCE cre-ATED" with the stressed syllable being the capitalized letters. It's the best example of too much being done in a line, and then detail that's questionable in its necessity to be made clear.

So overall, make clear your idea of death and the state it make someone, but don't bring it up as much as you do. If you keep using an idea and symbol like that, it doesn't the point clear of why the reader should care or if you have any point. As I said before, why would dead people's hearts be in knots? Would this be more applicable to their family? And the "ships tears down our faces", I'm still on the fence with that. It's your call.

Good luck and thank you for the opportunity to review! :)



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— Napoleon Bonaparte