Blood clots formed over her new cuts, and she collected them on the blade looking interested and fulfilled with how they looked on the razor sharp entity. Her eyes scanned over to the mirror opposite her she starred at the image of herself and screamed loudly, scraping the blade over her skin again as tears fell mixing with the liquid leaving her body.
How had she managed to get to the position she was it right now. Sat shredding her arms in her bedroom while her family sat below her laughing loudly, every laugh from her family drove her to do it more. The PERFECT brother and sister over powered the reject of the family, they had no idea about her cutting and that was how she liked it.
Her breathing began to slow down and the tears dried upon her cheeks, the blade had stopped driving into her skin. And so she sat still, breathing little by little, calming her body down.
Her lips part and she whispers to herself “Why do I do this…”
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This story was good, but you need to rewrite some of the sentences. You really should continue this piece. She sounds like a middle child, lost between her brothers and sisters. The bitter cold loneliness is eating her up inside. She is screaming for help, but her cries are unheard and lost in the wind. She needs to get it out, but she cant, so she cuts her self. That's the image it paints in my head. Yeah, i got an overactive mind. It get all my energy out in the form of stories. So anyway keep up your awesome work. If you need help, PM me!
Hi. Before I critique this I'd like to tell you about our two for one reviewing policy here. I see that you've already posted something and only done one review. We'd all really appreciate it if you'd do another as soon a possible, and then keep your reviews/posts at 2/1. This gives all work the chance to be critiqued. Now, onto your critique.
Blood clots formed over her new cuts, and she collected them on the blade looking interested and fulfilled with how they looked on the razor sharp entity. This sentence is really long and kind of confusing. I'd completely re-write it. Perhaps make it one or two sentences, and don't use they so much. Her eyes scanned [s]over to[/s] the mirror opposite her as she starred at the image of herself and screamed loudly Why would a cutter scream? It doesn't seem like the ind of thing you'd do because you wouldn't want anybody to know., scraping the blade over her skin again as tears fell, mixing with the liquid leaving her body.
How had she managed to get to the position she was it right now. This sentence is really random. There needs to be something following on, it can't just end there because it makes no sense. She [s]S[/s]sat shredding, her arms in her bedroom while her family sat below her laughing loudly[s],[/s]; every laugh from her family drove her to do it more. The PERFECT Perfect would be better in italics than capitals, I think. brother and sister over powered the reject of the family, they had no idea about her cutting and that was how she liked it. This sentence doesn't make much sense. They overpowered her? You need to write it and be more clear.
Her breathing began to slow down and the tears dried upon her cheeks[s],[/s]. [s]t[/s]The blade had stopped driving into her skin. And so she sat still, breathing little by little, calming her body down.
Her lips part and she whispers to herself “Why do I do this…”
I think you need to treat this subject more carefully. Have you had any experience, because you don't sound like it. If you haven't, do some research. I like how vague your information is, and I think this works well as a short piece, but it does need a bit more. Don't be afraid to write about something like this, but don't be cruel about it either. Bits of this could offend people, and I know you probably weren't going for that, but it's true. And the screaming bit made no sense to me. I'm not a cutter, but I know a lot about it and they don't scream while in the middle of harming themselves.
Good luck, an remember to do that critique!
Hey Madam Charlotta, and welcome to YWS! I'm Stella, you'll catch me hovering around here!
Okay, YWS had a sort of unspoken rule (or spoken rule) that you leave two reviews for every piece you stick up. This is just so that everybody gets some good reviews. So you need to do some reviewing before you think of putting any other pieces up. Okay?
Right so, onto the critique.
NITPICKS
(Nitpicking is what we call obsessing over little details).
Blood doesn't clot that quickly, it would tend to just bleed.
The story is told for her point of view, right? So she wouldn't look anything, she would feel it. Also I'm not sure about the wording. They're kind of boring words. Also Whyy is she interested? Why is she fulfilled?
You later say that her family don't know she's up there. Now, I don't know about your family, but if mine heard me screaming, they'd probably come to check it out.
Questions end with a question mark.
Capitals burn except as headings, etc. Use italicized, bold, or underlined text.
That's all one word.
You told us she liked it. Also, why is it present tense?
II. DESCRIPTION
You said this was too descriptive but really, it's not very descriptive at all. All you do is describe the cuts on her arm. What about her, her surroundings? The pain itself? Her thoughts as she digs the blade in? Expand on everything.
III. CHARACTERIZATION
Your MC to me, seems an undeveloped stereotype. Because of this, I found it difficult to share her pain. You may know this girl inside out, but I don't. Tell me about her. All I know is that she cuts and she has a brother and a sister.
IV. LENGTH
This was really short. Too short in fact. At this length, there's no real chance for development. You need to lengthen it, much more, and fill in all the blanks. Why do her family leave her out? What about friends, acquaintances?
V. OVERALL
Your writing is good, but you need to seriously expand and work on your characters. Forget the stereotypical emo, and work on this girl. Show her to us. Tell us who she is, how she feels. More, more, more!
Hope I've been of help.
PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella.
woah i feel just like that, without as many cuts. joking, it seems a good story and i really want to see where this goes. id say to put some more on so people get who she is.
2 reviews:1 post. You have 2 things up so you need 4 reviews. Any way - my stuff is in red =]
Okay, a few things from that: your descriptions are good but sometimes you say things without needing to - sometimes just using the actual word is just as good as some kind of roundabout description of it. It's just less forced and easier to take in that way.
You missed a couple of question marks, misplaced a couple of commas - no big deal.
Subject matter:
I have experience with this (I'm recovered now, or as close as it gets) and to be honest, this comes across to me as a bit glib and unemotional. I can see where you tried to get the feelings across - the anger at the family, the screaming, but it didn't speak to me of the real mind-bending self-hatred that makes a person do this. A family who are laughing without her? Why does that hurt her so much? I think if this is really going to hit hard (and with a subject like this you need to make with the hitting) you really need to make it longer and add more detail.
It does seem to me like you're writing from some experience - is that true? (Sorry if this is too personal). The sort of insanity followed by calming and too-late rationality - that rings true.
If you do more to this I'll be interested in reading it.