Published December 29, 2007
I died ten years ago in a plane crash. Convient way to hide a dead body that doesn't exist isn't it? No one questioned the government when they said they found the wreckage of my small plane in a forest in Alaska. But why would they? It seemed logical enough. The government even had pictures of my exact plane, chared and destroyed, stuck between to pinetrees. Everyone thinks I'm dead. But I'm not.
I was a hitman before I "died", hunting down people for my boss Carl Musellini. The government needed an inside man to take him down. That's where I came in. They promised me one million dollars to take down Musellini's whole operation. i did it, no sweat. Oh, I did it so clean they never knew what hit them. The government liked the job I did so much, they offered me a job offer I couldn't turn down. I was to be government agent. Turns out Musellini wasn't the head oif the casino mob. They offered me as much money as I wanted to take them all down. How could I refuse? That's when the plane crashed. They had to cover up my dissaperance in a good way. That's good enough for me.
And so, that's how I ended up here, cowering under a desk getting shot at my twenty mobsters. I should have really have become a dentist. I quickly pulled out my machine gun from it's holster. Thank god it was already loaded. Bullets wizzed over my head, leaving holes all over the wall and desk.
"Come on out!" Someone shouted.
"My pleasure." I jumped from my hiding place and began to shoot. My bullets ripped through the frontline of men, blood spewing everywhere. My body hit the ground and I rolled out the door. The men shouted behind me as I slammed the large metal door shut, dragging a chair over to keep them from leaving. I randomly shot at the thing plaster wall, hoping one of them might be behind it. Bad mistake. Seems like they like to copy. Machine gun fire ripped through the wall, barely missing my bald head. "Time to leave." I grabbed the bomb I had been given by Long and started the countdown. Barley missing the bullets I made my way over to the door. I dropped it right next to it. "Hope you like your present."
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140,287 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a really good story. I did not expect to actually enjoy reading it, but I did. It really was a kind of surprise as I don't usually read stories like these. Your narration was very clear and confident - you seemed to know exactly where you wanted this story to go. Your writing style is very well-developed as well. You have a strong sense of your language and you provided us with just the right amount of information that kept us engaged in the story without giving away too much.
You have done an excellent job in establishing your character. I think my first impression of the story was that it has a really strong lead protagonist. His voice is very clear and distinctive and we can sense the personality of this person from the very beginning. He has a strong presence throughout the story and he is not one of those lead characters you are confused about - you know right from the beginning that this man means business.
Interesting piece of backstory for our character. I really appreciate you providing us with this information as it helps us catch up with this man and really understand where he is coming from. Otherwise, the story would have confused the readers and they wouldn't have been able to understand what was going one. Also, I loved the humor you have managed to incorporate so subtly in the story. We can tell that the humor is because of the personality of the narrator who is a little cocky and arrogant about his abilities.
Also, you need to capitalize the 'i'. Every time you start a new sentence after a period, the first letter of the first word has to be in the upper case.
The transition was not very clear in this part. One minute we were talking about some other job, but then we are back to the plane crash where the narrator was 'supposed' to have died; basically the starting point of the story. I was a little confused in this part and I am sure your other readers might also feel the same. So maybe you can clarify this part so that we can keep up with the story without getting confused about the different plot points.
Its not always easy to include or describe action scenes in your story, but I think you did this rather well. I was very much engaged in the story and I was able to follow your words and paint a rather vivid picture in my mind of what was going on. The action, combined with the narrator's overconfident sass made for an entertaining read. I especially liked his dialogue at the ending - it almost sounds like a catchphrase.
On a separate not, you need to space out your dialogues. Try to include the dialogues in separate paragraphs of their own. Otherwise it clutters up the story and makes it look to clunky.
That's all!
keep writing and have a great day!
Nice beginning, I'm very interested in the rest of the story. Here's some of the things I picked up on and some of my suggestions which may make it a little better (Note, I said may, it's up to your personal preference whether or not you take notice).
"chared and destroyed, stuck between to pinetrees."
I think it'd be better if that was a full stop instead of a comma.
"charred and destroyed. Stuck in between two pinetrees."
"I was a hitman before I "died", Hunting down people for my boss Carl Musellini. The government needed an inside man to take him down. That's where I came in. They promised me one million dollars to take down Musellini's whole operation."
Again, instead of a comma after 'died' I think a full stop would be better. and wasn't your MC hunting people FOR Musellini? And now suddenly you're taking HIM down, maybe you could explain this a little better? (Or maybe I'm just easily confused ^^; )
"The government liked the job I did so much, they offered me a job offer I couldn't turn down."
this sentence has 'job' in it too many times, try changing it to something like; "The government liked how I did the job so they made me an offer I could'nt refuse".
Turns out Musellini wasn't the head oif the casino mob. They offered me as much money as I wanted to take them all down. How could I refuse? That's when the plane crashed. They had to cover up my dissaperance in a good way. That's good enough for me."
Disappearance? why was he made to disapear? And maybe the words "after all" behind "mob" will make it more obvious that the job wasnt finished yet.
"And so, that's how I ended up here, cowering under a desk getting shot at my twenty mobsters. I should have really have become a dentist. I quickly pulled out my machine gun from it's holster. Thank god it was already loaded. Bullets wizzed over my head, leaving holes all over the wall and desk."
Again, full stop at; "here. Cowering". How do you know it's exactly twenty mobsters?
"Really I should have become a dentist." will get rid of the double 'have'. the last sentence is a bit too plain for this scene. I think it needs a little more drama. Maybe something like; "Bullets whizzed about my head, creating holes where ever they hit. The desk and walls were covered in them, almost like a dart board."
"My pleasure." I jumped from my hiding place and began to shoot. My bullets ripped through the frontline of men, blood spewing everywhere. My body hit the ground and I rolled out the door. The men shouted behind me as I slammed the large metal door shut, dragging a chair over to keep them from leaving. I randomly shot at the thing plaster wall, hoping one of them might be behind it. Bad mistake. Seems like they like to copy. Machine gun fire ripped through the wall, barely missing my bald head. "Time to leave." I grabbed the bomb I had been given by Long and started the countdown. Barley missing the bullets I made my way over to the door. I dropped it right next to it. "Hope you like your present."
"My pleasure." How exactly does he say this? And try for "Bad mistake, it seems they can do it too." I think "seems like they like to copy" is a too weak sentence for an action scene."Time to leave." Again, how is this said?
"Barley missing the bullets I made my way over to the door." Try a comma at "bullets, I". Lastly, "I dropped it right next to it. " instead of using It for both the bomb and the door, maybe have something along the lines of; "Barley missing the bullets, I made my way over to the door and dropped the bomb right next to it."
All in all it's a very good start to a story. It attracts the attention of the reader by starting it so dramatically. I think the only thing you might need to work on is keeping it dramatic.
Wow, I really really liked this. This would be my type of story. I don't have any questions, seeminglymeaningless got it all. Nice begining.
I like the "come out" line. where he says "my pleasure" Funny.
Hey,
Wow! Great story! Beginning sucked me right in! Below are the mistakes I stumbled upon:
------------------
I died ten years ago in a plane crash. Convient --------- convenient -------- way to hide a dead body that doesn't exist isn't it? No one questioned the government when they said they found the wreckage of my small plane in a forest in Alaska ----- "in an Alaskan forest" will get rid of the double "in" -------------. But why would they? It seemed logical enough. The government even had pictures of my exact plane, chared ------- charred ------ and destroyed, stuck between to ------- two ---------- pinetrees. Everyone thinks I'm dead. But I'm not.
I was a hitman before I "died", hunting down people for my boss Carl Musellini -------- the name reminds me muesli - *laughs* sorry --------------. The government needed an inside man to take him down. That's where I came in. They promised me one million dollars to take down Musellini's whole operation. i <----- capital I ------- did it, no sweat. Oh, I did it so clean they never knew what hit them. The government liked the job I did so much, they offered me a job offer I couldn't turn down. I was to be government agent. Turns out Musellini wasn't the head oif ------- of -------- the casino mob. They offered me as much money as I wanted to take them all down -------- you've used the word "down" at least three times now ----------. How could I refuse? That's when the plane crashed. They had to cover up my dissaperance ------- disappearance ----------- in a good way. That's good enough for me.
And so, that's how I ended up here, cowering under a desk getting shot at my ----- by ------- twenty mobsters. I should have really have become a dentist. I quickly pulled out my machine gun ------- machine gun from a holster???? -------- from it's holster. Thank god it was already loaded. Bullets wizzed ----------- whizzed --------- over my head, leaving holes all over the wall and desk.
"Come on out!" Someone shouted.
"My pleasure." I jumped from my hiding place and began to shoot. My bullets ripped through the frontline of men, blood spewing everywhere. My body hit the ground ----- maybe, "I hit the ground" instead of my body hit the ground ------- and I rolled out the door. The men shouted behind me as I slammed the large metal door shut, dragging a chair over to keep them from leaving. I randomly shot at the thing plaster wall, hoping one of them might be behind it. Bad mistake. Seems like they like to copy. Machine gun fire ripped through the wall, barely missing my bald head. "Time to leave." I grabbed the bomb I had been given by Long and started the countdown. Barley missing the bullets I made my way over to the door. I dropped it right next to it. "Hope you like your present."
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Good story!
The only thing I noticed was that first you're explaining your "death", and then straight away you're in the middle of battle. . . That bit was just a bit confusing to read ^^
Waiting for the next part!
- jai -