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Young Writers Society



The Fallen Hero

by MadHatter


The hover car laid in the middle of a dark road. “Oh my god…the sub-streets…” The sub-streets were the scummiest place on Earth. To conserve room on Earth, society built up. The world slowly left there “primitive” homes behind and moved to higher and higher levels. The top level was the newest, which basically meant that it was for the rich. The lower you got, the scummier it became.

Meg’s eyes slowly adjusted to the little light that could reach down here. She began to make out the forms of the scuz bags that lived here. Most of them just stood there, dumbfounded by the huge falling object that had landed in front of them. Meg just laid there, having no clue whether to be horrified, or angry.

The residents soon lost interest in the car, seeing that it wasn’t attacking them, or putting on a show. The crowd dispersed and began completing the tasks they had set out to do. Meg eased up a bit, relaxing her grip on the car chair. So much had happened in the past few minutes. Her head was still swimming with all these new things. Her dad and almost killed her, she had found the world’s deadliest weapon, and now she was lying in the middle of the sub-streets surrounded by the skuzziest creeps in the galaxy. “What else could go wrong?”

“Hey boss, there’s a girl in here.” Meg’s eyes widened.

“Oh God, please don’t let them hurt me.” She prayed as she got as low as she could to the floor. Maybe they wouldn’t see her and think it was just a trick of the eye. But she knew it was useless. She peered through the window to look at who was coming. A large group of aliens and humans was headed her way. At the front were a black pyronite and a large three armed termmanid (Four Arms.).

“I don’t see anyone.” The pyronite directed this comment towards the termmanid. . Meg let out a loud sigh of relief. A little too loud of a sigh.

“I guess you were right. C’mon little girl. Daddy won’t hurt you. I’ll take good care of you.” He laughed. The gang all snickered as the neared the car. She looked down at the Omnitrix. The woman had told her not to use it, but she wouldn’t want her to die when she could’ve saved herself. She had read enough about it in her History Text book to know how it worked, but what alien to choose was a total mystery to her. The first one she saw would have to work. She quickly moved her dad to the back seat in case she grew so big she would crush him.

“Let us in babe, we’ll make you feel right at home.” The termmanid sneered.

“I hope this makes you feel right at home.” The button on the Omnitrix popped up, showing the silhouette of the alien. She gulped and slammed her hand down on the button.

She felt weird. Her arms became hairy; and her legs became furry and lanky. Meg felt her pants rip to reveal two tails. Her eyes narrowed and her nose shrank. Meg’s canine’s enlarged, and her finger nails slowly turned into claws.

Finally it was over and she looked down at herself. She was a seven foot tall blue, two-tailed cat.

“Oh my god…what on Earth is that?” The termmanid asked out loud.

“I’m…ah…” She thought about what she should name this alien, but decided to forget it. “I don’t know who I am, but I’m sure that I’m going to whoop you.” Meg heaved open the car door and leaped out. She was surprised how high she jumped with such little effort.

“Listen, whatever you are, we don’t want to cause no problems. No problems.”

“And I assume that’s because I just turned into a giant cat. You’re not getting away from this that easy.” By instinct alone she pointed at the gang. Her claws began to glow. A blast of pure electricity shot out.

They screamed in agony, writhing every so often as the power got greater. The pyronite leader gave her a pleading look.

“Oh, you won’t be getting any mercy from me you dirty little perves.”

“I think that will be quite enough.” Meg whirled around. An old wrinkled Vulpin (Cannonbolt) stepped out of the shadows behind her. “Nice showmanship with the Omnitrix young lady.”

“ I don’t have any Omnitrix. No way…what are you talking about?”

“Okay, what species are you?”

“A blue cat thing…”

“I was right. And by the way you’re currently a Felinok.” Meg heard footsteps behind her. She turned around to see the gang running away into the streets.

“How do you know all that stuff?” She suspiciously eyed the Vulpin.

“I know it’s hard but please, just trust me. Let’s get you and your father down to my place. I’ll explain everything there.”

“Sir, we have a lock on the last time the Omnitrix was used.” The vulpin computer monitor told Ben.

“Good…where?”

“In sector one on the sub-level.”

“Are you telling me that some dirty little scuz bag is running around with my Omnitrix?”

‘Well, no. It seems that some teenage girl has it.”

“Get the invasion ship ready, oh and fetch me Animo. I need him.”


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2631 Reviews


Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

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Sun Nov 25, 2007 4:36 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello again! I like the action you have and Meg's a very welll established character but I think you need to add a little more description. For example, rather than telling us about the horrid place, describe it. Also, try to be a little more accurate in your action. Sometimes it's nice to have a few realistic details in fantasy novels just so that it's easier to relate to. Here's a few suggestions -

Her dad and almost [I think you mean 'Her dad had almost...'] killed her, she had found the world’s deadliest weapon, and now she was lying in the middle of the sub-streets surrounded by the skuzziest creeps in the galaxy.

At the front were a black pyronite and a large three armed termmanid (Four Arms.). [What's with the words in the brackets. It's a bit confusing. Do you mean the pyronite has one arm?]

The pyronite directed this comment towards the termmanid. . [Typo with the periods and you don't really need that first sentence. It's clear that the comment isn't to Meg .] Meg let out a loud sigh of relief.

A little too loud of a sigh. [This is a bit awkward. Maybe 'Prehaps a little too loud.']

The gang all snickered as they neared the car.

She quickly moved her dad to the back seat in case she grew so big she would crush him. [I've forgotten how old she is but if I remember right she was younger than me and I couldn't move my father to the back seat quickly. And neither would I want to after a crash. He was driving so he's likely to be a little bruised or have whip lash if nothing else.]

Meg’s [s]canine’s[/s] canines enlarged, and her finger nails slowly turned into claws.

Other than that, I thought you had some entertaining dialogue and I like how it's developing so keep up the good work! Oh and you might want to have a line between the part with Meg and the little paragraph at the end so that your reader isn't confused by the scene change. Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx




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441 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 441

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Tue Nov 20, 2007 9:41 pm
Gwenevire wrote a review...



Very nice work Mad! :D

I think it needs a little work thought.

First is first.

You said scuz bag(s) a little to much (over used)

It was a little hard to follow unless this is a second part after a beginning or something.

I think you need to make another info page on all the weird creatures that you have in this story. You know like a read me.

Maybe you should put a little more explanation into everything as I said a little hard to follow.

Other than that.

I like you ideas and where you are going with the story. It needs some work.

PM me once you have gotten' more!

Good Luck
Genevieve
xox





Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice