i like ben 10 and it sounds cool and stuff. i want to know why ben is evil though. ill stay tuned
"WE HAVE AN ESCAPEE! LOCK DOWN HAS BEEN INITIATED!" The sirens and the loud speakers blared this message as Gwen Tennyson ran through the huge prison. A pack of vulpimancers (Wild Mutt) chased after her, while thousands of pyronites (Heat Blast) used their fire powers to try to kill her. She had to make it out of this damn prison or the universe would crumble. A huge hulking robotic brute stood on a nearby roof top, shouting order to his men. He could never get what she had. She would die protecting this.
"STOP HER! I need that women!" She looked down at the small box she carried. All this work and death for so small of a thing so small? But it was. This small item was the key factor if that huge beast behind her would take over or not. The item she carried was the most amazing tool in the world, and in the wrong hands it became the most deadliest weapon.
She was shocked to see that the hundreds of vulpimancers were gaining on her. She couldn't fight them off by herself, but then again, she wasn't by herself. "Do I really have to use it?" It had to be the only way. She opened the box revealing a green and black watch. The Omnitrix. She let it jump unto her wrist. The awesome power flowed through her body. She turned to face the charging brutes.
"10,000 aliens to chose from? Hmm...I like this one the best." She slammed her hand down onto the button on top. There was a flash of green, and then where Gwen had once stood, now stood a 13ft tall monster. She was a Yangaro, a T-Rex like alien. "Time to die!"
"I don't think so." The huge robot landed in front of the now standing still vulpimancers. "You're going to give me the Omnitrix Gwen."
"I don't think so. Not after you killed Grandpa." The robots visor went up to reveal a man of about thirty. "I thought you were a hero Ben. Not a bad guy."
"I guess you were wrong." The battle went quickly. Even a thirteen foot tall monster can't last long against nearly two hundred vulpimancers and Ben. Gwen fell to the ground in defeat.
"I have you now. The Omnitrix will be mine again!" He reached over turned off the watch.
"No...I still can save it. You're weak. You can't possibly-ARGH!" Gwen's right arm glowed green, and a sudden orb formed around the Omnitrix.
"NO! You're using magic!" The omnitrix slowly came off her wrist and shot off into the sky, leaving Gwen far below.
"Where did you send it? WHERE?" Ben smacked her.
"Away from you."
"You'll die for this." He shoved his hand through her stomach. "You will never stop me. I will find the Omnitrix if it's the last thing I do."
i like ben 10 and it sounds cool and stuff. i want to know why ben is evil though. ill stay tuned
Partly that and partly because it was unanswered itself and partly because you deserve a crit after the interest you've shown in my storybook and partly because I like to give out critiques. So yes, partly =)
Hmmm. I think this has the potential to be a really good start but it needs a little work. I'd suggest that you don't write in capitals to show shouting. It looks unproffessional and it really isn't necessary. Also, add more description. Give the reader something to visualise so that they get drawn into the story more. Here's a few other small suggestions -
All this work and death for so small of a thing[s] so small[/s]?[Probably a typo but I thought I'd point it out.]
This small [Maybe use minuscule or tiny to avoid repetition?] item was the key factor [s]if[/s] in whether that huge beast behind her would take over or not.
The item she carried was the most amazing tool in the world, and in the wrong hands it became the [s]most[/s] deadliest weapon.
The Omnitrix. She let it jump [s]unto[/s] onto her wrist.
"10,000 [I think you should write this out in full.] aliens to choose from? Hmm...I [A space between the ellipse and 'I'] like this one the best."
The robot's visor went up to reveal a man of about thirty.
He reached over and turned off the watch.
"NO! You're using magic!" [This line seems to be just for the benefit of the reader and not something anyone would actually say. Maybe change it to something like 'What sort of magic is this?']
________________________
Other than that, I thought your action was good and you had some really nice dialogue. Hope this helps,
Heather xx
120,240 Literary Works • 649,231 Reviews
Points: 890
Reviews: 79
Donate