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Fallen Hero

(There is a prolouge that makes this more understandable.)

Origins

"Are we there yet?" Meg asked her father.

"No. We're a good hour and a half away. You should now that by now, I mean you are 15 years old." Jason Granger loved his daughter, but sometimes she pissed him off so much.

"Me? I've haven't gone to Grandma's house like all of two times in the past year. I haven't seen her since you and mom divorced." She knew she had hit him hard. Her father was still very touchy about his recent divorce. Meg only used that one when she was really pissed off.

"I...ah...would like you not to mention that."

"Why not?" She snickered.

"Well, just because your mother and I aren't together any more, doesn't mean I'm not your father." A small tear rolled down his face. Meg inwardly smiled. She had gotten him. She could make him do just about anything now. She noticed that their hovercar was swerving side to side.

"Dad pay attention." Her father began hitting his head against the steering wheel, crying and cursing. The car was now completely in the other lane.

"Why Mary? I Loved you..."

"DAD, THE ROAD!" He wouldn't listen to her. Meg screamed as she noticed a huge hoverfreight plowing towards her. "OH MY GOD DAD PAY ATTENTION!" But it was too late. The truck was nearly on them and her dad was no where near done crying, when all of a sudden a ball of green hit their car.

Is this death? Meg wondered. Was death a world bathed in green. She let her mind wander until she got the strangest feeling she was falling. The green light faded to reveal the fact she and her father were plummeting down the 44 story drop to ground level. She knew it was stupid to build 44 roads on top of each other.

"Goddammit I'm going to-" She couldn't finish her sentence due to the fact their car hit every single road, building, and lamp post on the way down. Suddenly they stopped and the green light once again bathed the car in it's glory. Were they on the sub-street, lying crushed under the immense weight of the car? Her father lay out cold next to her.

"What is up with that green light?" She jumped back as a face appeared on the windshield of their hovercar.

"If you are getting this message, it means you have been given the key to an interplanetary war that's been raging for centuries."

"What the hell is this? Some sort of demented advertisement?"

"You must keep it safe. Do not use it. Tell no one you have it. Tennyson will never find it if you do." A small black object appeared on her dashboard.

"Oh my god...it's the Omnitrix." She reached for it when it hurled itself on to her wrist. At first she was horrified, but realized that it was hers now.

"Keep it safe. and whatever you do, do not---" The face vanished, leaving Meg alone in the darkness.

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Thu Nov 15, 2007 7:14 pm

Rydia wrote a review...

Hello again, thought I'd take a look at the next part too. Again, I'd advise against the full caps and I think you need to slow down your action a bit, spend more time describing the scenes. The base of the story is good but it would be even better with more descriptions. Here's a few suggestions -

You should know that by now, I mean you are 15 [I'd suggest writing this out in full.] years old."

I[s]'ve[/s] haven't gone to Grandma's house like all of two times in the past year. [I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say here but it doesn't make sense to me. Maybe make it a bit clearer?]

Meg only used that one when she was really pissed off. [Don't repeat pissed off. Replace the second use with mad or angry or something.]

The truck was nearly on them and her dad was [s]no where[/s] nowhere near done crying, when all of a sudden a ball of green hit their car.

The green light faded to reveal the fact she and her father were plummeting down the 44 story drop to ground level. She knew it was stupid to build 44 roads on top of each other. [I'd write 44 out full both times.]

Suddenly they stopped and the green light once again bathed the car in [s]it's[/s] its glory.

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Overall, the base of this is good and you have some interesting action, a nice plot start and quite a bit of character development but you need to add more descriptions and slow down a touch. Hope this helps,

Heather xx

For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle