I watched as the razor blade punctured my arm, a small trickle of blood running from the fresh wound. A strange happy feeling, a sensation I had grown used to, flowed over me. "Thank god for endorphin" I thought to myself. As I slowly slid back to lay down on my bed, I looked at the blood covered scars that littered my arm "All because of you..." I coldly whispered. Memories filled my head of her, rendering my endorphin release useless. Anger and sorrow bubbled up from my heart, mixing together to form a combination of the two.
You idiot. You really need to forget her. I thought to myself. Well, another endorphin release wasted. Careful not drip blood all over the floor I walked to the bathroom. I washed off the blood, the towel and the water turning red. I carefully put a band-aide over the wound. My mind wandered, slowly remembering her. Her deep blue eyes, her blond hair, her graceful figure. I had dedicated my life to her, hell, I gave up my virginity for her. "GODDAMMIT!" I shouted, slamming my head against the mirror. It cracked from the force of the blow, cutting a deep gash in my head. "Damn it..." I quickly grabbed a hand towel and rapped it around the wound. The crack in the mirror wasn't that noticeable, as long as you didn't look at it.
"Are you okay in there Kyle?" My mother yelled from somewhere in the house. I could here her footsteps quickly cludding up the stairs.
"Yeah mom. Just fell." My cell phone quiet loudly, playing 'Jesus of Suburbia'. I checked my pockets. Must have left it in the room.
"It's for you." She called out softly enough for me to hear.
"Duh." I tried to hide the towel, but it was useless. She'd see it no matter what. At least this phone call would delay her questions. My mom was standing outside the door, my cell phone in hand. I quickly grabbed the phone from her, ignoring her questioning looks. I ran into my room and shut the door. "Hello?"
"Hi Kyle...this is Hannah." My mood went from bad to worse.
"Oh, it's...you." I said as coldly as possible. I looked at the "end" button, tempted to hang up, but some little sliver of me kept me from doing it. Deep inside a little part of me still loved her.
"Please don't hang up Kyle."
"I won't. Why would you want to talk to me? Just the other day you were telling me to leave you alone."
"Don't yell at me. All I want to do is just talk. You need to understand what's going on. Come over, please." Now I really considered hanging up. But once again, the sliver of love I had for her stopped me.
"Okay. I'll be over in a second." I hung up and slipped the phone into my pocket. Nodding to my mom, I ran down stairs and grabbed my coat.
"Where are you going young man?" My mother asked.
"Over to Hannah's. Be home before dark." She gave me one of those "That's really what you're doing?" looks, but I didn't care. She could bitch all she wants about it later, but right now I was settling something.
Hannah's house wasn't that far from my house. Just a few blocks or so. I remembered how to get there by heart, from walking there everyday. My heart lurched again, remembering all the things we did on the walk there. God, get yourself together! I smacked myself across the face, immediately regretting it. Hannah would know I was hurting myself.
There it was, Hannah's house. The large blue house with the porch light on. I could see her silhouette standing behind the glass door. The moment she noticed me walking across the street she opened the door. I strode across the lawn, and up onto the large ranch porch. My extra large Converses got caught on the top step, laying me flat on the wooden porch.
"Are you okay?" Hannah reached down for me but I swatted her away.
"I'm no baby. I can do it myself." I struggled to my feet, making sure not to show how much it hurt. "Now, what do you want to talk about."
"Please, let's talk about it in my room." She sensed my anger. The room had been the place that nights ago they had had sex for the first time. Just forty minutes after she made him throw on his clothes and leave. She told him never to talk to her again and forget he ever loved her. He asked if she was upset because they had sex. She screamed that she wasn't upset about that, but just wanted him to leave. "Okay, maybe we'll just go around back to the patio" I nodded, still fuming over the last remark. We walked around back. The patio. I had rarely been in the backyard, considering her parents were always back here. Good. A nice place to talk with no romantic memories. She walked towards a patio couch and sat down. I sat as far away from her as possible, wanting nothing to do with her.
"So..."
"Yeah..." I mumbled. "What didn't I understand? The part about you making me leave? Or the part about you never loving me?" My voice slowly getting louder.
"Please, this is no time to get mad. We need to sort this out."
"No time to get mad? You're the ex-love of my life and you kicked me out!Is this because you didn't want to have sex?"
"No. I wanted to. I wanted to share my first time with you. You don't understand." Both of our voices slowly got louder. Soon we'd both be shouting, and then the moment would be ruined. I tried my best to keep my cool, but it didn't work.
"No, I don't understand. I can't possibly even fathom what you were thinking."
"You're right. You can't." Hannah's eyes slowly watered. It was then that I noticed how bad she looked. Her skin had a green tint to it, her usually glistening hair was dull. "You don't know what's it's like..."
"What? Breaking your boyfriends heart?"
"No...Kyle...I'm dying." My heart skipped a beat.
"What?"
"I have a terminal disease. The doctors can't find a cure and they predict I'm going to go contagious in a few weeks. I have only months to live." I thought that over again. She was dying? My mouth went dry and my throat tensed up. She was crying now and I wasn't to far away from doing it myself.
"I didn't know..."
"No, you didn't." She sobbed. "I told you to leave because I didn't want you to be there when I...when I...when I died. I thought the pain of just losing my love would be better than losing the love of your life altogether. I never meant to cause you such pain." I knew in my heart that I should hug her, but my mind would not let me. I was supposed to hate her for what she did. But my heart kept telling me that she did what she did because she loved me. Finally, my heart won. I got up and walked over to her. I slowly picked her up and hugged her.
"Don't blame yourself. You did it because you loved me. I understand that now. I'm sorry." She kissed my cheek.
"I never wanted you to see me die. I wouldn't be strong enough to watch you die."
"Neither would I." I hugged her tighter. We slowly began to sway, side to side, almost as if we were in a dance. It seemed that the love we had for each other tonight destroyed all else. We forgot that Hannah was dying, that we had just broke up, even that it was nearly midnight. Everything disappeared in that haze of love we shared. I didn't know what we'd do, I didn't know where we'd go from here, but I did know that I loved her and that was all that mattered.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Ooh! I liked it. I didn't want to stpo reading... I do think that you should look up the meanings of the words that you are unsure of. Like endorphines.
Great ending. I never would have known.
I didn't give much critique... I feel horrible. It was too good.
Damn. IT WAS TOO GOOD TO CRITIQUE.
I like to critique.. (sniff)
Keep writin'!
I understand. It is a overused idea, specially with teens. Emo behaviours are not accepted, it's just extremely common. It's all the same plot with a lot of young teenagers nowadays. And I'm probably one of them who has done it at one time or another. Heh.
I am actually probably one of the least angsty people around, and I'm sorry if it was rather angry venting-the whole concept disgusts me, and by reproducing it in things that other teens are going to read, it presents the image that cutting and similarly unnecessary and overly emo behaviours are accepted and commonplace. Forgive the lecture, but I am not the only person that has mentioned that it is an inappropriate and overused idea.
Have you actually ever fell in love? Gave your virginity away to someone you thought you were going to be forever? Well, yeah you probably have. This is actually very common with teenagers, its a reflection of life. Yes, teenagers do seem to exaggerate everything, yet it does happen. More often than you may think. You of all people should know, you're only 21.
Anyway...
The story.
I felt as if it was rushed, one minute we're watching Kyle cutting himself, next we're finding out Hannah's dying. I feel as if it is too much drama is such a small space of time.
Yet it was good, and quite sad, you can in some way relate. Not to the cutting, but to the loss of someone you had given everything to. I just wish it went more into it, so we could feel for Kyle more.
Hey, MH! Nice story.
The way you start the story draws me in immediately. I'm curious as to why the boy is cutting himself. I think the description of the actually cutting should be more vivid, though. You don't have to spend a lot of time describing it, but it would be cool if the readers could kind of feel it.
I lost track of who was saying what during the long dialogue scene at Hannah's house. It would be easier to understand if you added some tags, and maybe a little action so it's not just talking heads.
I think a good alternate title would be Blood, Blades and Tears. Or maybe just Blood, Blade and tears.
The whole thing was charged with emotion. It felt really personal, like I was up close to the characters and inside their lives. It was a great length, too. Thanks for posting it.
Step one: change the title. I hate the title to death. I started to read this, expecting to laugh at a piece of pointless emo swill, when in reality it wasn't bad at all. I personally don't think cutting makes for a good plot device. I just don't.
I don't want to get into a huge argument about emo stuff either, and I know it's a choice, but I find that cutting is so overused that any drama that can be extracted from it ends up being offset tremendously by the bad taste it puts in the mouths of rational people.
You can leave the cutting in, but don't make the scene so long, my god. Also, in terms of plot, I would suggest drawing out the revelation at the end a little bit. Make it more dramatic, and give us some foreshadowing and ambiguity before you dump it on us. You have a nice story underneath that beginning, and the syntax mistakes that I found were all corrected by other people.
Ya but Myrddin what you have to understand is this is the way the boy expresses himself. it happens to a lot of people. i don't like reading about cutting because i have a huge fear of my wrists being cut. Bu you don't have to go off on the kid. and "I need a therapist" theme come up so frequently in teen writings" maybe its because the characters do need a therapist. not dissing you Mad but maybe the writer needs a therapist, ever think of that? and to communist daughter, trust me i have know some one very close to me with a terminal illness, she didn't change one bit, except when she was lying on her death bed. the only critic against you i have is that you get third person and first person mixed up and switch between. back off the kid jeeze
Why does this angsty, ridiculous, "I need a therapist" theme come up so frequently in teen writings? It's disgusting. The same story could have been told without the guy being an over dramatic slice and dice junkie, and wouldn't immediately induce a feeling of complete disdain.
Sorry, however "human" it makes the story, I can't help but feel obligated to point out that there are better ways to write than to fall back on the desperate, needy idiocy of self-mutilation.
Everyone else has spoken their piece on critique, so I won't repeat what they are saying. I'll just go with the warm, fuzzy feeling that praise brings.
I'll admit that I didn't like this at the beginning. It was just really depressing and not my thing. But I stuck it through to the end and I liked the original twist at the ending. You don't see many things like that.
Really interesting. It could use a little editing (see everyone else's comments for that) but I do think that this has the potential to be a really great piece of work.
~GryphonFledgling
Hey, Madhatter!
Cool story--it was very human, which is always a good thing for a little drama. ^_^ You have two characters that I care about, as well as a very [bitter]sweet storyline: what's not to love?
Mainly what I'm going to look at today is how you can make your story stand out a little more. At the moment, it's a really good start, but it just doesn't have that "pizazz". It's a little bland. But that's easy to fix, right?
A few main areas to look at:
EMO-OSITY:
The main thing, if anything, that will tick people off about this piece is the self-mutilation stuff. Granted, you can keep it in, but then you need to treat it as a very serious thing--your character needs to have definite motives.
You'll have to determine just why it is your character cuts, and doesn't do something else, like starve himself.
- Does he find the blood fixating?
- Does the sharp pain remind him of anything else? If it feels good to him, why?
Having these motives is what will seperate your character from wannabe-emmo type characters--it'll make him more 'legit', so to speak. It'll also give us deeper insights into who he is as a person.
DOING IT
Doing It is one of those iconic universal experiences that [nearly] everyone has. And so losing your viriginity is kind of important, as well--and it's a great opportunity for character development. Granted, you don't have to go into any kind of graphic detail, but knowing the basic who, what, where, when, why of the thing will help you out in the long run. My main character, bless his soul, just lost his virginity in a Boy Scout sleeping bag in the school basement.
This says several things about himself and his boyfriend. A) on account of the sleeping bag, his boyfriend is the polar opposite of himself, being athletic and hardy and woodsy and whatnot. B) on account of the school basement, where no one dares go. This says something about the fact that they do not do in in a proper bed room and/or house setting--what does one do when you're not certain of your parents' reactions? C) on account of the time--late afternoon--where parents will be at work, the priest will be conducting service, and students will be out of the building.
It's no picturesque romp on silk bedsheets--it just wouldn't be in character if it were.
That's what you need to determine about your characters. There's oodles of strange emotional baggage that goes along with it, and a lot of reasons to suspect freaking out. Mainly because it's usually terrible, partly because (on the girl's behalf) it hurts and there's blood involved. Not a fun day on the beach.
This could be a part of your main character's insecurity. Does he feel inadequate? Is he afraid he hurt her?
Make sure you know these scenes pretty well--they're what can make or break characters.
TERMINAL ILLNESS
The fact of the matter is: sickness is gross. People who are terminally don't act like themselves--they're in pain, they're spacey, they're whatever.
It would add a lot to your story if you knew specifically what disease Hannah was dying from. This way, you can have specific symptoms and a proper timeline--onset, climax, death, and so forth. Then how she acts at different points throughout the story will be more realistic (and you'll also find that it's easier to write for her).
Additionally, you'll want to know a lot about Hannah and how she reacts to her disease. The whole way through the story, she seemed a little detached--she wasn't really sad, and her motives weren't explained a whole lot. You could see kind of why she made him leave, but it wasn't like, "Oh, if I were in her place, I'd do the same". Finding out what diseasae she has will also help a little with this. If it's a quick disease, she's likely to be more weirded out. If it takes a long time to kill her, chances are she's desperate and sick of it.
Make sure you know your characters and your facts; that way, the pyschology--and therefore the way your readers relate to your characters--will come a little more effortlessly.
__
Thanks for the read, Madhatter! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
Hey, Mad! Thought I'd pay your work a visit.
Memories of her filled my head...
If he's thinking to himself and not talking to himself, use italics instead of quotations.
Watch your tags. [/i]"It's for you," she called out...[/i]
Stop switching tenses! Lol. *catches breath*
There it was--Hannah's house.
Make this a new paragraph. I had to read it a few times before I knew that we were back to the present.
This is probably best as an exclamation.
Maybe...My heart seemed to have stopped.
Tags! ^^ "No, you didn't," she sobbed.
That was sad.
Anyway, good job. That was depressing. It was a bit emo-ish in the beginning, but it got better in the end. Kudos!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
**Edit: FireArris critted at the same time as me, so sorry for any repeated comments. ^^
Hi Madhatter.
already pointed out, don't confuse it.Here are the mistakes:
put the "All because of you..." a space down.
try: My head filled with memories of her,
just put: mixing together to form a combination.
make it italic and take away the quotations.
The blood would take longer than that to be all done, it would take awhile for the cut to stop bleeding.
My mother
Then his mother probably wouldn't hear it.
try: 'Jesus of Suburbia'.
Did he say this? Or did he think it?
two things, one: LOL!! Two: also, did he think this? Or did he say this?
try: I ran
'end'
The first sentence sounds like he said it nicely, but then the second sentence and 'I sneered.' made is sound like he said it in a mean way.
just put: the sliver stopped me. You had just mentioned the sliver a few seconds ago.
try: 'Really?'
Did he say that or think that?
so....he slapped himself?
You went from 1st person to 3rd person.
silhouette. Take away an L.
replace to period with a question mark.
maybe: forget she ever loved him. On the one below, it matches what I said you should put her.
This is one of the reasons you need to change the one above.
this isn't a question, change the question mark to a period or an explanation point.
Maybe: I was close to doing it myself.
put: I wouldn't be strong enough to watch you die.
I loved the idea of this story. The thing that I like about it is that he ends up hating her because she kicked him out. But she did it for love and for him, that is the type of story I like. I also liked some of the humor parts. I like the main character because you get to see what his life is about, and you get to see his emotions and his changes when things happen. I think you have good character development, same with Hannah, you got some of her different emotions and good reactions. Good job with this piece!
Firearris
Thanks. Was my piece that good that you didn't need a long review or is it just that bad that you don't want to give it one?
Endorphins. Don't confuse it with morphine.