Wow. You really get chilled when you read this. The last stanza doesn't really end. It would be better if it had a definite finish, I think. But, good job!
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Freeze my blood till I have rose-red
wood in my veins:
Blood they say is
the thought of the brain.
Place me in ice and
exorcise that Sylvan Beast.
Yet, though freezing, freezing
froze ⎯ and thought impaired ⎯
it still remains. Doctor’s griping
hands: Warm. Healer’s chants:
Insensate.
Rhymes and
sermons.
Priestly white and echoes of,
“Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust,”
from graven tomb;
children’s voices ⎯ so
recognizable ⎯ chant:
Bleeding leaks you Red,
Freezing stops you Dead.
Strange intonations ⎯
Though, in thoughtless expanse
they may easily have not
said anything at all.
I preferred lacklustre solidity:
but thought, they say
Wow. You really get chilled when you read this. The last stanza doesn't really end. It would be better if it had a definite finish, I think. But, good job!
I didn't actually realise there were squares in the poem until I recently read over it. They're em-dashes, I copied it from word so it must be a formatting problem.
Thanks for the comments.
Nice pacing. It was very effective.
What's up with the question marks? Did something happen with the formatting, or is there just a space separating them from everything else? If it's not a mistake, take out the spaces. Otherwise it doesn't make much sense.
Bleeding leaks you Red,
Freezing stops you Dead.
I preferred lacklustre solidity:
but thought, they say
OHHHH.....AND BY THE WAY, IT ALMOST MADE ME CRY.....because its just soooo emotional and I LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-LULU_DAISY_101
That poem was soooo deep.....It made me feel dead in my stomach and alive in my eyes. A true person had to right this....IT WAS JUST SOOOOO AWSOME.....keep the good stufff comming.
-lulu_daisy_101
Hey Mad. Great job on this poem. It seems really well thought out and the imagery is superb. I especially liked the first stansa. It draws the reader in very well. I just noticed a few things here and there:
Freeze my blood till I have rose-red
wood in my veins:
Blood they say is
the thought of the brain. (This is amazing)
Place me in ice and
exorcise that Sylvan Beast.
Yet, though freezing, freezing
froze ⎯ and thought impaired ⎯(A bit jumbled. I get what you're saying but you need to make it clearer. Oh and 'And' here needs a capital letter)
it still remains. Doctor’s griping (Shouldn't this be gripping?)
hands: Warm. Healer’s chants:
Insensate.
Rhymes and
sermons.
Priestly white and echoes of,
“Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust,”
from graven tomb;
children’s voices ⎯ so
recognizable ⎯ chant: (You need to capitilize your letters after a question mark)
Bleeding leaks you Red, (Again, the capitial letters are confusing)
Freezing stops you Dead. (Loved this)
Strange intonations ⎯
Though, in thoughtless expanse
they may easily have not
said anything at all.
I preferred lacklustre solidity:
but thought, they say (Full stop)
WOOooooooWWWWWWWWWW That was a great poem! It was so creepy, but it was fantastic! Love love love love loved, the imagery. This in my opinion, was one of the best poems I ever read. I'm going to read it again and again! keep it up!
Points: 890
Reviews: 2
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