Hey all, sorry to repost this one so quickly, I'm thinking of entering it into a poetry competition and would appreciate any comments that you can offer. It's been redone a little from the version that I last posted.
Through blurry thoughts of black and misty death,
Half formed flutters of the lost fight now fade,
The clashing of blades dimmed like his last breath,
In the stilled sands of holy time she preyed.
Shadowed and fuzzy figures did loom nigh,
The unseen battlefield fell dark as sin,
And the rain fell hauntingly from on high,
Like ethereal swords it slashed the pale skin.
His eyes widened with horrid clarity,
His bloodied arms wrapped round her, foe –or friend,
This ghostly form that gave no charity,
Though his life was coming to a sad end.
He moved close, pitifully protective,
He sought to shield her in the coming dim,
Clutching her to him without perspective,
She wore a longing smile as she kissed him.
He saw then he shielded death – and also life!
He gazed with sick longing in his final breath,
Before his eyes glazed and her tears were rife.
In the deadly coils of life, he knew death.
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Nice ~double meaning of prey/pray in the last line of the first stanza. The "and" of the first line of the second stanza seems unnecessary and makes the line sound cluttered (to me).
Protective/perspective in the fourth stanza sounds... odd. It technically rhymes, but maybe too much of the word rhymes? (If there's such a thing as that?) Though I did like the phrase "pitifully protective".
"In the deadly coils of life, he knew death."
^This line made the ending seem abrupt to me. Also, as "life" makes an internal rhyme with "rife", it sounded like "death" was breaking the rhyme scheme.
Erm, I had no idea where the guy came from; he was just suddenly there in the middle of the poem, and by the end, it seems to be all about his revelation, yet it starts out with the "she". Is it feasible to mention the "he" earlier in the poem?
Re: ethereal swords, you could say "Like ethereal swords [s]it slashed[/s] slash the pale skin"
Isn't this the one you wanted me to critique? Oh well.. .
Preyed/prayed. I assume you do mean prey, and this wasn't a typo, but either way, the word usage/pun that I mentioned above was interesting.I'm... not entirely sure what to say. Honest truth: I suck with poems that are written in this style because it takes me a while to read and comprehend them. It hurts my brain. But from what I did comprehend, I liked it ^_^ I couldn't exactly pick out the whole idea and theme and everything but... it was still good. (I know it doesn't make sense, how can I like what I don't understand?) I'm sure if I read it four or five times and analyzed it, I could better understand but I don't like doing that. lol.
Grammarness: you should turn that - into a — (ALT+0151)
Also: The rhyme scheme was nice, I picked up on even though it didn't stand out, but I knew it was there. I just have a question, does this had a continual rhythm? (I was too lazy to count) if it doesn't, changing that will make it better. (I'm so lazy tonight...)
Hope I helped! I had nothing helpful to say...
Thanks all, I've edited the original with your suggestions. Does the rhythm flow better now? I fixed up that last line and the "a high" to "on high".
On the ethereal swords part, I think that if I reduce that anymore it will be off the syllable count (unless I'm counting out that line wrong). Any suggestions for a way to fix that line would be appreciated.
The rhyming was great not forced at all, it all flowed well.
Your feeling was powerful as well, I got a really nice mental image while reading this and read it over several times.
Excellent job on this.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
Very well done not like I have ever read in my life are you sure you didn't get that off of a popcical stick or a forture cookie?
I liked the concept of this and you had some very powerful language. For the most part, your rhyming flowed naturally and was not forced. I liked it.
For the most part, your rhythm is all right, but there were a few spots where I felt the rhythm faltered a little.
Here, the second and fourth lines seems a bit off rhythm. I think that if you said 'like a sword slashed his pale skin', it would flow better. It is your decision, of course, but that part seemed off to me. Also, in the 3rd line you say ' a high' which sounds a bit strange. I think 'on high' would sound better.
I understand that the 'and life' part is essential to the poem, but with that part, the rhythm in this last stanza is very off. If there is any other you could include that, it would make this ending much stronger.
I really enjoyed this poem. All I can suggest is reading it over and looking for rhythm . Nicely done and please keep writing. If you have any questions, please PM me.